Page 253: The Art of Wanting to Give Up (and Not Doing So)

Last week was one of the hardest weeks I've had in months. I'm good under pressure and find that I work really well in those conditions, but it's only when necessary. Last week, up until yesterday, felt unnecessary and I became a hopeless wreck.

There are very few outside influences that sends my anxiety off the charts. Money is one of them. I loved my job and everything that came with it, so it broke my heart when I no longer felt comfortable there after Tym's death. I blame him and the circumstances, even though he couldn't control dying. Still, he was the only person who could throw me off my perch and he did. Not having a job and not making as much money as I used to has me in a spiral of anxiety and frustration.

I missed two classes last week and that made me feel even worse because I am so content with my school schedule, but I am literally being pulled in two different directions. I can do school and not make any money or I can work and not take classes. When I started this semester, I thought I was doing what God had wanted of me, but I'm not sure anymore.

I thought about giving up last week. I thought about dropping my classes and not looking for work and instead just laying in bed and crying until I ran out of tears. I felt like being in a maze I couldn't get out of, and then I went to class on Thursday and saw an alarming video on war in my Peace Studies class.

Talk about a mindfuck.

When I came out of class that day, I felt even more hopeless than before because that feeling of defeat was on a more global scale. I was sure that the only way that things would get better was if I became President or if God just ended the world. Until yesterday, I was all for God ending the world now. Do you know what happened next?

I remembered that it was my half-birthday.

My half-birthday is nothing special, if I'm being honest, but I think it's special because it's the birthday of an old friend of mine. Until last year, I wished her a happy birthday and she would wish me a happy half-birthday. On my birthday, I would wish her a happy half-birthday and she would wish me a happy birthday. Even though we weren't super close, it was our tradition and that tradition reminded me that there are bad things in the world but there are also good things in the world. I also felt like if I just gave up, I would be letting God and my family down, especially since I was as strong as I could be after Tym died.

I wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing. I wish I knew that things would be okay. I don't know anyone who likes being scared and uncertainty is a scary thing for me. I'm trying to build myself back up from Hell Week, but I think I'll be different this time. I'll have to be more compromising and non-resistant because there are things that need to be done right now and it'll just keep getting worse if I'm not flexible to it. I've been through situations like this many times. I know how this works and I know that I'm going to have to start fighting again. So, let's do this.

Page 35: In Which Natasha Gets Real

I, uh, I've been having sort of a visceral reaction to my job. It's weird, but I am no longer fond of my job when I'm not working and I'm happy when I'm there. My job and I are in a very peculiar relationship right now. That being said, I plan on leaving soon.

Before there is any overreaction, I know that it's really weird for me to be so in love with this job and then announce 15 months later that I'm quitting. Right now, this is just a plan. I have not turned in any notices.

I'm tired and when fronted with a choice between school and work, I'm choosing school because I worked hard to get into my school. I essentially spent my entire leave back in November working on getting into this school from spending money to get my transcripts to buying my transcripts to bringing them to the admissions office to dealing with financial aid to picking and choosing my classes. It was tough to do all of it, but it was really worth it. I love my classes and I'm happy going there.

My job hasn't become any harder than it was, but some of the people make it really hard to be happy there. On top of that, I'm just a little disillusioned. It feels like everything I'm doing is in vain. I don't want to get promoted. I don't want any prizes. I just want my work to be acknowledged and it's not. So, it feels like I'm not going to get much further there. That much was true when I got my $.12 raise. The funny thing is, it's really one or two people that has corroded any positive feelings with my job and it shouldn't be that way, but it is.

School and working full time are completely different entities, but I don't feel stifled at school. I'm not getting paid at school, but I can advance there. I can go there knowing that my work is being noticed by someone. I can be free there. I can be free at my job but only during my breaks and lunch time.

Right now, it's up in there when it comes to whether or not my feelings about my job will revert back to love and I don't like giving up, but I don't have much fight left. I want to save it for something that I feel would be worthwhile.

Page 15: In Which Natasha Is A Bit Overwhelmed

I'm a little overwhelmed.

I look at the clock and find that days are going by so fast. I start school in 11 days and I don't know if I'm ready. I'm nervous, but ready is something I'm not sure I am.

At work, I am doing exemplary, but I feel like there's something lacking. I don't like my direct supervisor at all and I don't like how passive-aggressive he is, but I'm still struggling with wondering if he is enough to make me quit this job. I don't want to quit and if I had my way, these people would have to pry me away from my cubicle, but I also don't want to lose it on anyone.

I've also been in search for the perfect computer, again. I think that the perfect computer, though, is Isla (the one before Petunia). My mom doesn't like the way that Isla handles and all the computers I'm searching for is identical to Isla. Isn't that ironic?

I had to disconnect myself from my FitBit for a while. It's getting too obsessive and since I've missed a couple of days because the battery died, I feel like I am slipping away from it. I knew it would happen, but I think I just need to either start again or give myself a freaking break.

I want to believe that this time of the year is what is overwhelming me. I'm dealing with school and Peak Season at work. I want the best of both worlds, but what am I willing to give for it to happen? Even that question is a bit overwhelming.

Page 11: In Which Natasha Rants About Work (Again)

I'm going to preface this by saying that I love my job, but I hope you are all ready to read a lot of complaints about Peak Season.

Today was a true picture of peak season. It was so busy, I didn't take my lunch or my last break. I was literally on the phone all day, with the exception of my first break and a couple of bathroom breaks.

My FitBit also died as well.

It was just a huge mess of le pooh.

I got spoiled and took advantage of the hold times at work. Busy is busy, but this is busy.

Yet, I feel like I have gotten part of myself back. I feel more determined and fiery that I have in a very long time. Maybe I do have reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I feel strong and I'm totally determined to keep going. There's a spark in me that hasn't been there in months.

Peak Season still sucks, though.

Page 10: In Which Natasha Talks About the Elephants in the Room

There are a few things that never fails to annoy me. Most of them are work-related but the personal one is a little irksome as well.

At work, my co-workers never tend to remember my schedule. I can mention a bazillion times that I am coming in for overtime on Fridays because I normally have Wednesdays and Fridays off, but they're still surprised when I come in on Fridays. The same also holds true when these same co-workers ask me if I work on the weekends. I already explained that I do, so I thought there would be some retention there. I love them to death, but having to repeat my schedule to anyone, including my family, is not a thing I enjoy doing.

There's also this question that I get asked all the time and I'm at the point where I don't even know if I should answer it anymore. The question is almost always, "Have you been to this country/city/hotel?"

This is the most annoying question because almost every time I say that I haven't, I get asked why. The reason is because I'm working and doing my job to book or help them in some way with their vacations. I can't go to Cancun, Punta Cana or Montego Bay if I'm helping clients or travel agents. It makes me wonder just how strong their attention span or empathy levels are.

The question that creates the biggest elephant in the room is my marital status. I get if I'm married more times than I can count (and definitely more than I did when I was, indeed, married). When I explain that I happen to be a widow, I get asked about what happened. I'm sorry, but living it the first time was hard. Constantly explaining it is not helping matters. This question is almost as bad as when I'm asked how I'm doing.

Do you have any elephants in the room?

The Break

I had a plan to stay at work until January and then start to look for something else, maybe move to another department or just start all over again with another job. The whole "tone down the resilience" incident left a bad taste in my mouth and not only shook my confidence in myself but also shook my confidence in what I'm doing. Dealing with clients and travel agents is stressful to begin with but there had also been some internal changes at the office that I think has affected me.

My colleagues and I don't have sales quotas but now, there's a huge board at the front of the office that lists the week's top sales from client directs and travel agents as well as a huge notepad that encourages us to list our sales above $6000. My old lead, who I had finally grown to like, had to trade me and my other teammates to other leads within the office, which lead to me having the said lead that who thinks my resilience is a detriment. On top of that, I work in travel and have no time to actually, you know, travel, as well as the fact that my training colleagues seem to be doing new and amazing things and I feel...stuck.

I'd be lying if I said that I returned to work with the confidence that I could be the person I was before I got that phone call. I tried. I really did. But, it has not been the same since. I already had issues with getting calls about clients/travelers who either had a death in the family or had died before Tym. I'm like Izzie Stevens that way. After Tym, it hits too close to home and although I don't deal with those kinds of calls anymore (it's not guaranteed that I won't get another call like that again), I just can't muster up the urgency that some of these people have when they're vacationing to places like Aruba and the Bahamas. I still believe in the Dream Vacation. I believe in it wholeheartedly. I just think that the Dream Vacation should not cause that much stress for anyone.

As much as I enjoy what I do, I can't say that it's never boring anymore. I can't say that there is always something new anymore. I can't pretend that I am completely fine and I can continue on with my job without going into some kind of meltdown. I had to find a compromise and I found it.

I'm on break from work again. My intent is to stay away from work for a couple of weeks but I don't really know if my intent is going to go to plan. I have a lot going on. I managed to get through the mysterious rash and the uncontrollable crying and maybe even the aimlessness, but dealing with actual, physical grief while having an anxiety disorder that my job still does not know about is pretty hellish. Also, it's only been less than four months since Tym was killed and normal is a far away dream. I couldn't have time off of work for more than maybe two weeks back in the Summer because I didn't have the seniority at the time, but now I do and I think I need to utilize some of it to just recover.

I go back to seeing my psychiatrist again tomorrow. Because of my work schedule and being exhausted/busy during my days off, I hadn't seen him in maybe a month or so. I had made progress to the point where I only see him every two weeks, but I may have to go back to seeing him every week. I don't know. I won't know until I see him in the morning.

There is a plus side to all of this. I started really making a concerted effort to work on my return to school. This morning alone, I spent an astronomical amount to get my transcripts from one college, which I then sent a transcript request for. I also purchased my GED transcripts (I wonder who actually knows that I was a high school dropout) and am planning to get my transcripts from the two year college (the one I was at for four years) tomorrow or Friday. I also plan on paying another astronomical amount of money to the last school I went to. I also paid off an ambulance bill. It was random but I did it.

I don't think that this decision to take a break from work was easy. It felt like it was, but it's really not. It's my livelihood and it was my escape, a home away from home away from Barnes and Noble. Today was my day off and I already have gone back and forth about whether I should just skip the break or not. I hope to find some balance, though. I hope that when I return to work, I will be strong enough to stick it out and maybe feel like I did when I first started.

Biting Down

On Friday, I decided to forgo the apartment. I left a message on the leasing company's voice mail and told them not to process my application. When I called in today to make sure they had gotten the message, it was very succinctly implied that I would've been approved if I hadn't left the phone message. I'm fine with it. I didn't want to pay off one lease to sublease something else.

I also got my passport book on Friday. After making a phone call to the suggested contact, I was told to show my supervisor my passport. I made a brief stop to my job, on my day off, to do so. He told me the next day that it was pretty much all in vain and that I needed to tone down my resilience. He may have implied that I needed to stop being so overeager, but he used the word resilience and wordsmith that I am, it upset me because my resilience is what is keeping me at that job. It made me cry and it made me wonder what other strengths I have that are perceived as weaknesses.

I got my passport card today. Apparently, I can't use it for air travel. I'm glad that I didn't just get the card, I guess.

Today, my mother talked to me about something Matthew McConaughey said about losing his father when he was 22. I guess he said that once something like that happens, everything changes and never goes back to the way it was. My mother emphasized that this is what's happening to me. I, of course, pushed back and said that I managed to bounce back and keep things pretty much the same after my father died when I was 21 and then after my grandmother died when I was 22. My mother then pushed back and said that this, Tym's death, may be the last straw. Now that I do think about it, though, things did change after my father's death. I didn't care as much about the classes I was taking anymore and just pretty much stayed holed up on my computer.

What I mean to say, though, is that everything has indeed changed and I'm still struggling to find some semblance of what it was so I could hold it together. I don't think I can do that for much longer. The tagline of this blog is "life with brand new eyes," but that doesn't mean that the perspective is better.

So, I've finally decided to commit to school. I filled out a new application and paid the application fee. I am planning to pay off the past balances at my previous schools so I can get all of my transcripts. I even have my classes selected for the spring.

I've also started to pursue FMLA or short-term disability so I could take another sabbatical off from work. I told my doctor almost a month ago that I had never been depressed, but I think I may have situational depression. Yet, I have diabolical plans to deconstruct the disaster area/warehouse that I call my room. My only problem is that I want to enjoy my three paycheck month of December. Choices.

Have I mentioned that I'm writing again? I'm writing more than I have in a very long time, and it's not just because of NaNoWriMo. I don't even think it's because I don't have to worry about life insurance bullshit anymore. I think writing is where my mind goes to protect me. Writing is my compass and my refuge. It's my safe place.

I'm not in the process of finding myself after this huge mess now. I just really want to breathe and go from there. I'll have to make decisions soon, despite my wish not to, but this is what adults do. At least I have my resilience going for me.

August Events and September Goals

August went by in a flash. I can't fathom that it's been more than a month since Tym's death and at the same time, I think that I'm healing.

If I could describe August with one word, it would be healing. I had set goals for myself but I didn't follow through on them because I really was trying to overlook the real problem and try to force myself into normality after such a tragic event. Every time I tried to act as if everything is okay, the effort was met with anger, heart-wrenching sobs and a pain in my chest like I have never known. So, something had to change.

Last month, I started seeing a psychotherapist to help with the grief as well as with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but mostly for the grief. I have quite an interesting one and he's very accommodating and understanding. He may be my favorite one yet. In addition to the psychotherapist, I got a new primary care physician and a new OB-GYN. Both of them, ironically, are men. I guess this is the year that I start being less subjective and see male doctors across the board.

My health came to the forefront of the month as my blood pressure skyrocketed. That's not a gross exaggeration, either. My blood pressure was 180/100. Then, it was 186/96. Then, it was 120/70. Then, it was 140/80. My primary care physician is going to follow up with me on it later this month. I hope it goes lower but I don't know if it will, to be honest.

I also dealt with a bout of insomnia. I would go to sleep and wake up only two hours later, then spend four hours up before going back to sleep for another three hours. That was hard as well. My primary care physician put me on something to help the problem, and it's working but it's also temporary. I can deal with that.

Because of the high blood pressure and the stress of forcing myself to act normal, I ended up taking the last two weeks of August off of work. It took me two weeks to come to terms with the fact that I was not doing well enough to work but I managed to bring in $20,000 worth of sales on the Saturday and Sunday before I went on break. I was really worried about what could happen if I took this break but at the last minute (or Friday, to be exact), my leave was officially approved by the company that handles the short term disability and FMLA claims for my job. So, most of the absences that I racked up in August won't be held against me. I'm so grateful about that.

Last but not least, August brought the life insurance policies. Tym named me beneficiary of the policy he had at his job and then his father started working towards a policy that Tym had for his motorcycle and in case there was an accident that left him severely injured or dead (which it did). For the policy that Tym's dad was working on, Tym's insurance company went after the insurance company that covered the person that killed Tym. I was notified about this information because I am Tym's wife. I got a letter in the mail on Saturday about a settlement from the other guy's insurance company but I came to a decision about that. Last Thursday, I got a letter in the mail from the insurance company that awarded me the life insurance from Tym's job. During a phone call to get an explanation about the letter, I found out that Tym took out a second policy and I was listed as the beneficiary on that one as well. So, life insurance. Yeah.

Now, we're in September and in the final months of 2014. This month will bring my 10 month work anniversary, so I'm excited about that. My biggest goals are to take each day at a time, to take care of myself and really establish a schedule when it comes to work. I've been off for a while, so I'm a bit nervous about going back starting tomorrow. Nevertheless, I'm excited as well. I still have a job to go to, which means that I get to be with my work family and earn my own money. That is something to be happy about.

Another goal that I have for this month is to get back into writing. I have this nifty writing/book review blog that I neglect so often and I also want to start on my second book. See, I think that one book just proves that you can write a book. A second book proves that you're capable of keeping the momentum. I want to keep the momentum.

What are your plans for September?

One Week

[caption id="attachment_16685" align="aligncenter" width="311"] The card I'm going to send my in-laws. I bought it yesterday.[/caption]

 

When I woke up this morning, it was 11:47 am. I had woke up earlier in the night and couldn't get back to sleep right away but when I did, that's the time that I woke up. If this was any other day, I would've freaked out because I should have been at work but I think that particular time is forever stamped in my brain. 11:47 am on Sundays will always make me cringe.

Today, one week has passed since Tym died and I think I've cried on all but one day in this past week. I actually thought I was getting better, but I'm not. The sadness and feelings come and go like they should and I let them ride because I think it would be worse to try to let it build up. When I feel halfway okay, I try my best to hold on to that feeling but for the most part, I ask myself a lot of questions and think about things. I was able to get out of the house and be among people but when I'm alone, I'm mostly with my thoughts.

Tomorrow, I go back to work and to be honest, I think I'm going to welcome it. It's going to provide a welcome distraction. I'm really glad to have my job so I can go somewhere for the day and not think about marriage, separations and deaths. I also have a lot of support from my co-workers and my supervisors so if I need to go cry somewhere, I'm sure that they'll understand. Plus, I can go back to concentrating on my own money. That may sound like a really weird statement, but I am so grateful to God that I am earning my own money so I can think about that instead of thinking about an inheritance.

The subject of said inheritance had come up a couple of times last week from Tym's parents and my mom. It's well and fine, but it's not going to bring Tym back so we could talk and snark at each other on the phone. I always felt more comfortable with my own money, and that is probably never going to change. I'm just really glad that I have a place to earn my own keep and remain independent. Tym probably liked that the best about me anyway.

I've been praying a lot more than I used to. When Tym died, I asked everyone and my mother to pray over him and his family. I didn't feel like I needed prayers for whatever reason but people did pray for me and I felt it deep down in my soul. Having faith in something has helped me so much more than not having faith when my father died. I was a lot angrier then, even though my anger has not quite dissipated. In those eight years, I've learned to bite my tongue and be mature about my grief. To be honest, I still have a ways to go with that maturity thing, but I am getting better with it. I'm trying to fight being dark and twisted.

I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible for myself. I'm going to see my new doctor on Wednesday and I see a new therapist on the 13th so I could get some grief counseling. The death certificate should be coming in the mail this week and from there on, I will deal with what I need to deal with. In the meantime, I'm going to pray for a whole lot of strength for myself and my in-laws as well as peace for Tym. He deserves it, even if he was a bit of a dork.

Goodbye, June. Hello, July

My first big purchases of the month was a 17 month planner and a Moleskine ruled book. If that is not an indication of how I'm doing, I don't know what is.

Life is in warp speed right now, with no immediate plans of stopping. In a span of two months, my 401k has earned more than what my first 401k (six years ago) earned in a span of over six months. My routine is pretty good and when I can help it, I like to fall asleep before 10 pm. I'm planning on visiting Summerfest in a couple of days. I really like my direct supervisor. I have a mentor. I'm living a life I couldn't even imagine having last year and it feels good.

June was a blur, for lack of a better word. I worked a lot, slept a lot and pretty much learned by trial and error with my schedule at work. The lesson with that one was that I am better off keeping my schedule as normal and regular as my co-workers' schedules are.

I reached seven months at work in June. If my job had been a pregnancy, I'd be nearing the end of it and looking forward to a pretty little baby. Luckily, I'm just at a job and I'm still there. I have pretty paychecks along with amazing friends and new skills that I want to keep working on. I hope that years pass before I near the end of this job and by then, I'll be pretty damn awesome in travel.

As for school, that's also something that I've been learning about by trial and error. My last class was a wash, but I was able to drop the class before I failed it and all hell broke loose. The upside about that is that I finally decided what I would like to do with my life: teaching. My school doesn't carry an Education program online but I would like to work something out with this school before I change schools again. Worst case scenario is that I'll just have to go to grad school to teach.

I plan on teaching Creative Writing to high school students.  I think that it's because my 14 year old self still hasn't forgiven herself for moving from high school Creative Writing  to third period Science because she wanted to be with her friends. Even more so, I want to teach Creative Writing because I've learned so much from the two different CW courses that I have taken and completed. The irony of this is that it took me five years and multiple majors for me to figure out that teaching is where I really belong.

Currently, I'm in a class about mythology. I feel like I'm ready to approach this class with renewed vigor. Last week was a bust but I still have faith that I will kick ass in this course. Plus, it's going to be great to learn more about mythology.

Now, we're in July. Over half of the year is done. I'm equal parts shocked and happy. I don't like to set goals for the month because I never follow through if I plan something out, but I'm generally trying to work on myself and keep doing well at work. I hope that July isn't terribly hot. That's about it.

What are your July plans?

A Pledge to Myself

I'm going to drop an honesty bomb right now: working makes it hard to concentrate on anything else going on in my life. There are some weeks that pass in a blur and I'm really too tired to concentrate on anything else. I can't do half of the things I thought I would be able to do because I'm so tired sometimes. There are a million things I want to do but I'm normally worn out.

On top of this, I lost my work friend. She was the first person I introduced myself to on my first day and she was also new. She was the one I went to Baskin-Robbins with on Monday nights. She was the only one I could confide in about my failed marriage, my life and my writing. Her leaving was very abrupt and on Monday, I cried when my trainer cleaned her desk out. She sat right behind me so it was hard to ignore it. I'm heartbroken and miss her every day.

It's safe to say that the honeymoon period is over at work but I am always grateful for what I do and I know the best that I can do is work my ass off. However, I can't pretend that I'm not doing everything in my power to prioritize the important things in my life. When I can't do something or don't do something, I always blame the situation or someone else when I don't think I've tried as hard as I possibly could. It's all about responsibility and I don't take a lot of it, which also means that I give my power away and that never goes well.

Here's what I've been telling myself during the past few weeks: I have this new future and there are so many things I want to do because I owe it to myself to do the best I can and live fully as much as I can. There are some things that I wrote off (*clears throat* getting married again, eating real seafood and traveling) and now, I want to jump into them with both feet. I want to learn how to cook food on a charcoal grill. More so, I owe it to myself to be responsible for everything I do, say, think and choose. I want to stay in school and I want to do well at work. It's hideously difficult to really prioritize both of them but I don't want to give up until I absolutely have to. I owe it to myself to keep going, though.

The World is a Rainbow Colored Oyster

This blog has seen better days, most specifically when I was posting more often. That's alright, though. I've been living a somewhat chaotic but never boring semi-quiet life. I've been making decisions for right now and for my future, and that's been fun.

Tomorrow, I will be celebrating my six month work anniversary. I've already talked about how fast life goes there but it's shocking because I've been looking at the new training class and it's amazing that I've already gotten past all of the things that they're now getting ready to go through. It felt like it was just yesterday when I was going into greenhouse but that was actually five months ago. During this time, my job has become a part of me. My colleagues know me, even if they're in the Orlando office. My travel agents and consumer directs know me and ask for me by name when they're not trying to call me directly. I've established my place there and my reputation as a dependable, helpful rep. The last couple of nights, I've had to be taken off of the phones because the call center had closed and I was still on calls. Needless to say, I would've gone on those calls for hours had I not had to go home.

Last week, I bought two more rats. It wasn't expected at all but I did buy them and it's been pretty chaotic the last two days since they've learned how to escape their cage. I hadn't had a pet since I was still in training because that was when Sonic died, so I don't feel so confident like I had before. Still, I'm powering through and being a pet mom is not as intense as being a real mom but there are still some struggles, man.

I've been spending more time with my sister. She had been going through a hard time and I think it's getting better. We've been really supporting one another as of late. I had a really tough time on Wednesday, and she not only took me to my favorite store (Williams-Sonoma), but she also bought me a smoothie and spaghetti. It was the best and I felt so coddled. I hadn't felt so coddled in a long time. It's nice to be coddled and cared for every once in a while.

Going back to career and work for a minute, I've decided that I want to be at my job for at least five years. I've gotten myself a mentor. She's one of the supervisors and I really like her. I learn a lot from her and she's very accommodating and attentive. I never thought I would have a mentor but now I do and it's pretty great.

I've also been reading Lean In and Thrive. Actually, I purchased them and began to read them but I put them aside temporarily because I had other books I needed to finish first. I'm taking this job and work life seriously, and it's not been easy to adjust my sleep schedule yet. I'm optimistic that by the end of this year, I'll finally have it all together.

How have you been lately?

Weekday Weekend & the Final Countdown

Come to think of it, that would be a wonderful band name.

Last week, I cried in front of one of my bosses. I lamely lied and sat that I lost my cat of three years, Sprinkles, and he bought it. After the crying jag, though, I realized that I needed more rest than I was giving myself. While I am still madly in love with my job, Peak Season has taken its toll on me and I need a little bit of space.

Fast forward to this past Tuesday. I came into work happy and ready to get the day done because I had requested to use some of my VIP time to come in at 12:30 pm instead of 11:00 am and I was still leaving at 7:30 pm. I had also decided on Weepy fake cat death Tuesday that I needed an additional day off. Thursday the 13th was the only day that was still available on the calendar that day, so I requested to take off. It was convenient and although I did have some doubts, I feel like taking this extra day off was the best decision that I could make for myself.

Yesterday, I went to the dentist and had my tooth fixed for the third time in two years. I also had my last bottom wisdom tooth pulled, so I've been in a fairly realistic amount of pain but it really came out the way it came in: with only minimal issue. Actually, I didn't even know I had wisdom teeth coming in until they were there. Nevertheless, I am fine. I have some penicillin and Tylenol, so I will be fine and dandy.

Today (that Thursday I've been talking about), I went shopping and it's very different to go shopping when I don't have to worry about catching the bus to go to work. I went to Barnes and Noble, which is something I usually do to kill time before I catch the bus to work or after work on Fridays and Saturdays, and it was so nice to catch a bus going home. I did think about going into work for a couple of hours because I really am a workaholic, but decided against it in the end because I have some overtime to do tomorrow. I got my sister her birthday gifts today because tomorrow's her birthday and I do have to go into work for four hours, so I can't hang with her like I want to. She loved her gifts, I must say, and that makes me so happy.

My 29th birthday is in approximately a week and do you know what I'm going to be doing? I'm going to be working, because my job really is such a blessed gift to me that keeps on giving. I have been able to do so many things and have so much more freedom than I had before, and I feel like I should be somewhere I love and doing something I love (other than being surrounded by my family). I'll probably eat a pizza or celebrate with a cupcake, but I really want to be at work and that'll be where I'll be.

Weekday Weekend continues tomorrow and then I'm back at work until Wednesday. I am so happy to have this time to rest, relax and get ready for a return to the grind.

this week in rambling

On Friday, I finished my last week of classroom training at work. It consisted of eating bagels and Kringle, and taking an exam of everything I've learned for the past three weeks. It felt very final, even though I will be spending Monday in the classroom for a short time. This is it, though. I will be going to my very own desk and taking calls and doing what I was trained for after Monday.

I thought long and hard about a promise I'd made when I got my job. I said that I wouldn't speak much about it and then went back on that promise.

Here's the thing, though. My job is my life now. I'm never going to name names or get super specific about my job but I can't stop talking about what I do and how much it's made me happy. Other things will be going on in the new year and I'll talk about that when it begins but now, I'm really happy with my job being the biggest thing in my life. I've said it before and I'll say it again. The atmosphere is really lovely and the people are so hospitable. I know that I can go far at this place and I intend to.

This week, I received some 401k paperwork and while I've anticipated signing up for another 401K for some time, I decided that I'm not going to for now. It's a huge step in adulthood to have one but I'm not too excited that the money is not FDIC-insured like it would be at a bank. That being said, I'm contributing an extra 6% of my paycheck to my online savings account instead of having a 401K. I don't have a debit card or anything that would need me to touch my savings and since I already had a plan in motion to save money there, adding more money wasn't that hard.

My job gave me a book where I can list my professional and personal goals as well as my actions, and it's been my companion for the past week and a half. Thanks to that book, I already have a list of 2014 goals (personally and professionally) established. The great thing for me about having a job is that it pushes me to be more active in many aspects of my life. I come home tired, but I'm also more aware of the things that I am lacking in or things around me that are lacking and I act in response faster than I do when I'm just at home. I get up much earlier so when my schedule changes, I'm going to be able to do more before I get into work. The goal book (which is what I'm calling it for now) allowed me to really think about what I wanted to do with my life and my job this upcoming year and I'm very proud of what I came up with. Look forward to that in a post in December.

Speaking of December, I'm planning on having a relaxed Christmas, since I have the day off. I have mentioned before that I decided on my first day of work that I wanted to have a mellow Christmas with my mom and that's still the plan. I'm still getting my siblings gifts but I don't think there's going to be a huge dinner or even a tree. This is a really big step for me and my mom, given that I was so miserable last Christmas. I think that my mom and I grew even closer this year, so spending the holiday with her and hopefully having a good time is going to be so great.

work hard, play hard

I'm about less than eight days away from my first day of training at work and today, I finally looked at the benefits paperwork I was given at the interview. I had put it aside with the assumption that I'd get an interview but I may not get the position but now that I do have the position, I started going over things with my mother (which I don't think I've ever done before). I told my mom about the 401k and she recommended that I did it, although I was all ready to jump on it. I let her know about the VIP (vacation, illness and personal) time, the long-term and short-term disability, the wellness program, the floating holidays (which are three days I can use to celebrate a holiday such as Easter) in addition to the regular holidays off. I started thinking about earning all of this.

I made a promise to myself to get through this four-week training without missing any days but I'm also thinking about my time on the floor and how I deserve to give this place 100% of my dedication. This place is the only job (business) in about four years and eleven months that has decided to take a chance on me, just like my boss Linda did after I quit my first work-study position, so I owe it to them and myself and my mother to do the best I can so when I take time off or go on a vacation, it's well deserved. I want to be able to take my birthday off as one of my floating holidays and feel like it's okay to do so because I've maybe pulled in overtime or did so well that I'm not costing anyone time or money because to me (now) and the travel industry, time is money.

I just read this blog post, which was tweeted from a friend of mine, and what really caught my attention is how Nolan described how our parents (and their parents) had photos of themselves at work and the occasional cocktail party because they worked hard and played hard. That struck a nerve with me. Work hard, play hard. In my family, this pretty much means a lot. My brother is almost always out with his friends or traveling somewhere, buying something. However, he works two full-time jobs. Two. He goes to one job and then to the other once his first job ends for the day or he works his second job on weekends when he may have a day or two off during the week. Even if he does have a day off from one job, he's probably working at the other job. My sister has Tuesdays and Sundays off, but she's always doing mandatory overtime (as far as I know). My father didn't really have days off because he drove a semi long distance. My mother is always working at something, be it her religious articles or a customer service job (I feel like Meredith Grey to my mother's Ellis Grey in customer service). I'm already the person in the family with the least amount of jobs. I don't want to be the person in the family who doesn't work hard.

That's not going to be the case, though, because I know my work ethic.

The case is that I am ready to be a good employee and spend a good amount of time at this job. I may take a trip and have fun, but I also know that when I go back to work, I'm going to be at my best. I enjoy playing hard, but I enjoy working hard more.

if anyone asks me about my first job, i will most likely never say that this was it.

What you're seeing here is a profile. The statistics are pretty clear cut (though not entirely entire) and the little 8 at the top of the page is just floating around, but they all mean something.

It means that my first job wasn't the door to door one or the awesome office job I had. It means that my first job was as a freelance writer.

I found a listing for freelance writers on a job board across from the computer lab where I went to in order to escape and get away. Never mind that I was living in a residence for women. I just knew that my father had died a little more six months before, my mother, sister and I had just got out of being homeless,  I didn't have my high school diploma or GED and I wanted to make money. So. I signed up to become a writer with a company called Associated Content on January 10, 2007. My first article was about astrology determining your childhood. I got paid about $5 or $6.

From there, I kept writing. I had to find out how good I was and how much money I could make. Along the way, I wrote some very interesting articles about the art of the female body, television, online schooling and mental health. One of my articles that chronicled my perspective of the homeless situation my family and I found ourselves in made it to the front page.  An article about toxic people was (and still is) the most popular article I've ever written. By the time I stopped writing for AC (which is now Yahoo! Voices), I had written 52 articles and retired almost 10 of them last year. Here is a list of most of my articles.



The ones that are retired are in red, but the majority of my articles are still active and online. You can also see the dates in which they were published were before my 22nd birthday. I never got paid much of anything and when I did, I used it for food or to buy CDs off of eBay. It was virtually pennies, though. Then, I started getting paid for performance, which is basically just royalties. Here are some pics of money I was paid per article.



As of today, in which I received $9.64, I've made $637.22 in about six years.

I was never ashamed of having this job. It got me a position as a staff writer at my school's newspaper. It showed me that I am good at journalism, enough in where I got paid for it. The only reason I stopped was because I started going to school and I got married and I got a real job that paid and had benefits. This took the back burner. I would eventually like to get back to it one day, but we'll see.

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