Page 271: The Art of Reinvesting in Myself

Me, three years ago

 Three years ago, I took an interest in myself and decided to make improvements.

I went to the dentist and instead of him doing constant extractions, I asked him to repair my teeth. At the time, I thought that they were in such disrepair that they would all need to be removed. However, my dentist gave me fillings and allowed me to smile fully, as you can see in the picture above. I took some work but I paid my dental insurance premiums and did the work of getting to my appointments and letting Dr. Meinhardt work his magic.

After a huge fight with my mom that left us barely talking to one another and made me a wreck during the summer of 2012, I decided to start going to therapy. I did the work of going every week and being able to talk through all of my problems as well as allowing myself to take the proper medication to help my anxiety. I had thought that therapy was not for me after two horrible instances with doctors who either misdiagnosed me with every mental illness in the book or thought that I didn't take therapy seriously. I was able to express myself better without ranting on my blog or bottling it all up.

Despite all the things I still needed to work on like my marriage, money skills and the fact that I had no solid job, I was really proud that I had fixed my teeth and started to go to therapy and that made a huge difference.

A year later, I hit a major hurdle. I went into a self-imposed seclusion. I left school. I stopped going to the dentist. When my therapist from the year before had begun a new rotation and I had to see a new therapist, I started to lapse until I just wasn't going anymore. I barely went to the doctor and put off my hand surgery until September of that year. I got a new job in November, so I put my everything into that. Then, I didn't have time to go to therapy or to the dentist. My marriage had even gone from the sporadic visit from Tym to speaking solely on the telephone sporadically until he died last year.

For the most part, I spent the last months of 2014 working, grieving and spending money. I saw a therapist sporadically until he decided that he would not support my extended medical leave. I fired him promptly and didn't see anyone else until I saw a therapist once earlier this year. I never saw him again.

Despite the joy I feel that I'm in school and I'm studying something really important to me, I really feel...unhealthy (for lack of a better word).

My teeth have gone into disrepair again. I have more weight than my frame can handle and I now have to take blood pressure medication. I'm crying more than I did before Tym's death and probably during my grieving phase. When I'm at school; I suck back Wild Cherry Pepsi like it's water and my stomach has a hard time tolerating caffeine. My diet is nearly as healthy as I would like it to be and that's really disappointing because I really enjoy cooking and I am a great cook.

Mentally, I don't feel well at all. I'm not sleeping well. I've been having more panic attacks. I don't write nearly enough so I'm not really expressing myself that way. I hide away in my disheveled bedroom with the lights either dimmed or off, though my lights are so dimmed that I would be better off not having it on at all. I don't even listen to my music as much as I used to. I almost always feel trapped and powerless and incompetent. The dosages of my medication has increased instead of decreased.

It's really obvious that shit needs to change.

After getting myself this low, it feels pretty impossible to even think about where to begin but I guess that I'm acknowledging that there is a problem and I want to change it is a pretty big step. I know that there is a huge chance that Tym's death is part of why I've let myself deteriorate, but I don't want that to become an excuse that I'm using five or ten years down the line. It bugs the hell out of me that I am still grieving and it's only been a little over a year (and I know that it will take time, but I'm not a patient person).

I'm going to make some changes, though. If I could do it at 27, and that was a good year out of a shitty decade, I can do it at 30. My hope is that I won't have to do it again at 33 or 43 or ever because starting over all the time sucks. Now, though, I'm going to do it because I need to. I may not always want to, but I need to.

I'll start with therapy again, because I have a plan with that. I have an appointment in November and I'm going to go, whether I have a job or not, because I need my mental health to be in the best optimal condition. I'm going to make better choices with my diet, in hopes that I'll start cooking again soon. I have a slow cooker and I love that thing so much, so I definitely plan on using it again. I'm going to purchase dental insurance again because I really need to get my teeth worked on again and I like having wonderful front teeth or a nice set of teeth that I can flash when I smile.

I think if I can start with these things, everything else will fall into place. Great things are not easy things but they're necessary. I'm necessary.

Page 253: The Art of Wanting to Give Up (and Not Doing So)

Last week was one of the hardest weeks I've had in months. I'm good under pressure and find that I work really well in those conditions, but it's only when necessary. Last week, up until yesterday, felt unnecessary and I became a hopeless wreck.

There are very few outside influences that sends my anxiety off the charts. Money is one of them. I loved my job and everything that came with it, so it broke my heart when I no longer felt comfortable there after Tym's death. I blame him and the circumstances, even though he couldn't control dying. Still, he was the only person who could throw me off my perch and he did. Not having a job and not making as much money as I used to has me in a spiral of anxiety and frustration.

I missed two classes last week and that made me feel even worse because I am so content with my school schedule, but I am literally being pulled in two different directions. I can do school and not make any money or I can work and not take classes. When I started this semester, I thought I was doing what God had wanted of me, but I'm not sure anymore.

I thought about giving up last week. I thought about dropping my classes and not looking for work and instead just laying in bed and crying until I ran out of tears. I felt like being in a maze I couldn't get out of, and then I went to class on Thursday and saw an alarming video on war in my Peace Studies class.

Talk about a mindfuck.

When I came out of class that day, I felt even more hopeless than before because that feeling of defeat was on a more global scale. I was sure that the only way that things would get better was if I became President or if God just ended the world. Until yesterday, I was all for God ending the world now. Do you know what happened next?

I remembered that it was my half-birthday.

My half-birthday is nothing special, if I'm being honest, but I think it's special because it's the birthday of an old friend of mine. Until last year, I wished her a happy birthday and she would wish me a happy half-birthday. On my birthday, I would wish her a happy half-birthday and she would wish me a happy birthday. Even though we weren't super close, it was our tradition and that tradition reminded me that there are bad things in the world but there are also good things in the world. I also felt like if I just gave up, I would be letting God and my family down, especially since I was as strong as I could be after Tym died.

I wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing. I wish I knew that things would be okay. I don't know anyone who likes being scared and uncertainty is a scary thing for me. I'm trying to build myself back up from Hell Week, but I think I'll be different this time. I'll have to be more compromising and non-resistant because there are things that need to be done right now and it'll just keep getting worse if I'm not flexible to it. I've been through situations like this many times. I know how this works and I know that I'm going to have to start fighting again. So, let's do this.

Page 222: Life, Death and Taxes

I find that I think more about mortality than I probably should. I don't really think I had done that before but with Tym's death, it feels like my time could come at any minute. I try not to think about it a lot because no one can predict the future (remember 12/21/12 and Y2K?) but that chill creeps up now and then. I can probably chalk it up to my anxiety and I should probably go back to seeing a psychiatrist, but it's there and I try to combat it as much as I can.

It doesn't help that there are so many deaths of young people of color, including transgender women, are prevalent these days. Part of the reason I'm trying to distance myself from Twitter before I can disappear for good from most social media (I like Instagram) is that it's all right in my face. It's hard to get through the day without finding out about some person of color being beaten or killed. There isn't a day that goes by where other people of color aren't fighting for the rights of the dead. Twitter is basically just a 140 character version of the news to me, emphasizing the overwhelming bad. It's too much and it makes me feel like my death is looming ever closer.

Living hasn't been much better, but I think it's improving. I force myself to think about life, my life and the future that I want, but I'd be lying if I said that I knew that my future would be exactly what I wanted. When I was younger, I took the easy route. I didn't want to go through all the hoops of getting into my dream school, so I went to other schools and spent pretty much all of my financial aid there. Now that I'm at my dream school, I don't even know if I will be able to afford to finish there. I rushed into a relationship with the first guy I ever fell in love with because I was head over heels for him. I rushed into a marriage that only rushed our separation and now, he's dead and I'm contemplating how to tell the next guy I meet that I'm a widow because I'm worried that he will always be a shadow looming over all of my next relationships.

I want to live. I want children. I want to graduate college,  I want a great job.

I think about how long I'm going to live. I'm worried that I won't/can't have children. I don't think I'll be able to graduate college and I worry that a great job won't allow me to have the time to work on my academic career.

I'm also in more debt than I was before Tym died.

Being on a limited income doesn't allow me to figure out where I'd even start with paying off my debt. I want to pay them down, because I loved having credit cards and having some financial freedom and not having to worry about my cell phone and never being in the negative, but I now have to also pay for insurance and find a way to pay the IRS because I still owe them.

I want a job again. I'm working towards working, but -- and there's always a but -- I don't want to fail my upcoming classes and a part-time salary is not going to help me move forward with paying down my debts. I also don't know how to side hustle anymore.

Then again, I was never a side hustle kind of person.

There are things that I am hopeful for, though. There are a lot of things, really. I get to go to school this semester and I didn't think I would be able to. I start in two weeks and the news made me the happiest I've been all summer. I am getting job interviews over the phone but people are interested in me working with them. These things are small but to me, they're important and it gets me to think about being alive a bit more than being on Twitter.

Maybe this is hope. Hope, to me, is what determines who is alive or not. People who want to live find hope in many things. People who either want to die or have resigned themselves to a short life think that hope is pointless. Hopefully, I can just figure out all the things that are bothering me now so I can live a little more freely than I am living now, but I choose to live.

Page 35: In Which Natasha Gets Real

I, uh, I've been having sort of a visceral reaction to my job. It's weird, but I am no longer fond of my job when I'm not working and I'm happy when I'm there. My job and I are in a very peculiar relationship right now. That being said, I plan on leaving soon.

Before there is any overreaction, I know that it's really weird for me to be so in love with this job and then announce 15 months later that I'm quitting. Right now, this is just a plan. I have not turned in any notices.

I'm tired and when fronted with a choice between school and work, I'm choosing school because I worked hard to get into my school. I essentially spent my entire leave back in November working on getting into this school from spending money to get my transcripts to buying my transcripts to bringing them to the admissions office to dealing with financial aid to picking and choosing my classes. It was tough to do all of it, but it was really worth it. I love my classes and I'm happy going there.

My job hasn't become any harder than it was, but some of the people make it really hard to be happy there. On top of that, I'm just a little disillusioned. It feels like everything I'm doing is in vain. I don't want to get promoted. I don't want any prizes. I just want my work to be acknowledged and it's not. So, it feels like I'm not going to get much further there. That much was true when I got my $.12 raise. The funny thing is, it's really one or two people that has corroded any positive feelings with my job and it shouldn't be that way, but it is.

School and working full time are completely different entities, but I don't feel stifled at school. I'm not getting paid at school, but I can advance there. I can go there knowing that my work is being noticed by someone. I can be free there. I can be free at my job but only during my breaks and lunch time.

Right now, it's up in there when it comes to whether or not my feelings about my job will revert back to love and I don't like giving up, but I don't have much fight left. I want to save it for something that I feel would be worthwhile.

Page 15: In Which Natasha Is A Bit Overwhelmed

I'm a little overwhelmed.

I look at the clock and find that days are going by so fast. I start school in 11 days and I don't know if I'm ready. I'm nervous, but ready is something I'm not sure I am.

At work, I am doing exemplary, but I feel like there's something lacking. I don't like my direct supervisor at all and I don't like how passive-aggressive he is, but I'm still struggling with wondering if he is enough to make me quit this job. I don't want to quit and if I had my way, these people would have to pry me away from my cubicle, but I also don't want to lose it on anyone.

I've also been in search for the perfect computer, again. I think that the perfect computer, though, is Isla (the one before Petunia). My mom doesn't like the way that Isla handles and all the computers I'm searching for is identical to Isla. Isn't that ironic?

I had to disconnect myself from my FitBit for a while. It's getting too obsessive and since I've missed a couple of days because the battery died, I feel like I am slipping away from it. I knew it would happen, but I think I just need to either start again or give myself a freaking break.

I want to believe that this time of the year is what is overwhelming me. I'm dealing with school and Peak Season at work. I want the best of both worlds, but what am I willing to give for it to happen? Even that question is a bit overwhelming.

Moving On

Today, I put all of the information I'd received about Tym since his death in a padded envelope, wrote his name on it and put it all away. Hopefully, I will never have to look at any of it ever again.

On Saturday, I received his autopsy report. I needed it to send to a claims coordinator for the accidental death and dismemberment policy that Tym took out and named me beneficiary of. I read it, and not much of it was a surprise except for the two or three tattoos that he'd gotten before his death. The next day, I faxed it to said claims coordinator and learned on Monday that the claim was approved. Like I've always felt, the money is inconsequential because it won't give me a chance to talk to Tym or touch him again. The relief I have that I don't have to continue a paper chase and learn all of the details behind his death is startling, though. I don't have to think about the paperwork concerning his organ donations, the crash details or anything else. I don't have to worry about any more insurance policies coming out of the woodwork and the bittersweet guilt and burden that comes with it. I don't have to read anyone else's condolences if I don't want to. I can start to let him go. I can start to move forward, I think.

I won't be attending his memorial service this upcoming Saturday. I already said goodbye to him back in July when his body was in a cardboard shaped coffin. I prayed for his soul, told his body how I felt and forgave him for his transgressions then. This memorial service is not for me. It's for his sisters and whoever else want to go. They can see him as ash and watch him be buried. I refuse to do it. I would rather remember him as a person, even if he was not in his body and I was poking at his earthly shell. So, I'm not going. I sent his parents a card expressing regret that I wouldn't be attending, but I don't regret it and I probably never will. This entire situation, and people's behavior because of it, has nearly driven me to the brink of insanity. I want to be sane again.

The persistent itching I've been going through is not making it easy. I thought it was one of the medicines I've been taking but I haven't taken it for almost three days and I'm still itchy. I don't have eczema and I don't have another bout of chicken pox. It's probably stress related. I see my primary care physician tomorrow, but I've also invested in an arsenal of anti-itch stuff that has either worked for a short time or has not worked at all.

When I wasn't itching, I began to invest in things that would bring me back to my core loves: movies, cooking and writing. My collection of movies, old favorites and new releases, has grown exponentially and I love it. I have a new TV, so it's been so entertaining. I've bought books on writing and I've bought a slow cooker as well as a food processor, both of which has produced a lovely and delicious Calabrese-style pork ragu. I've also started a collection of high quality herbs and spices as well as invested in durable dinnerware and silverware. I am getting pretty proud of my kitchen. I just need to organize it.

I need to organize my entire house, to be honest.

As for the books, there are a lot of them. Seriously, there are A LOT of them. I've purchased cookbooks, books on writing, new adult books, young adult books, contemporary fiction, books on how to write, books on how to write about how to write and books that are meaningful and languid. Such a meaningful and languid book I've bought was Light Gets In by Esme Weijun Wang.

I'd learned about Esme through the website Your Super Awesome Life. I think it was last year when I won a contest in which Esme's photos were the prize. I'd already knew the owner of Your Super Awesome Life, Ashley Wilhite, for years (we have a tradition where we wish each other happy birthday and happy half birthday because she's six months older than I am), so I'd followed her through her business and came across Esme and her wonderful pictures. When I bought Light Gets In, I also bought the audiobook because her narration is just so succinct and brilliant. On her blog, she does audio versions of her posts. It's simply amazing and Light Gets In is definitely a book that will stay with me. Through her writing, I'm finding my way through my own healing.

On Friday, I had an adventure. It was actually an excellent adventure.

I had pre-ordered the iPhone 6 Plus 64GB in Gold at 8:30 am on September 12th and was told that it would take 3 weeks for it to be delivered. I didn't have to pay a deposit or upgrade fee on it because of my cell phone carrier's new iPhone program, so I ordered it without expectations. On September 17th, I decided that my original phone, which was a white 16GB iPhone 5C, was sufficient enough and called in to cancel my order. On the release day, which was Friday, I came home early from work and found a box waiting for me. I am pretty aware of when I purchase things on the internet but I wasn't expecting a package that day. It didn't take long for me to realize that Sprint had sent me the phone anyway. After opening the packaging it was in, I decided that I was going to keep this phone. I then proceeded to spend an hour on the line with Sprint to let them know that I was planning on keeping the phone, but they advised me to go to the Sprint Store to get it activated. An hour away from the store's closing, I went in and became a special butterfly when the rep that took care of me announced that no one had seen or unboxed an iPhone 6 Plus due to the insane delay in delivery now (which is now estimated at about 6 to 8 weeks). Mine's was activated without difficulty and I still have my iPhone 5C. My new phone's name is Blair, obviously from Gossip Girl.

[caption id="attachment_17682" align="aligncenter" width="289"] Meet Blair Waldorf Leigh[/caption]

She is a big girl, 5.5 inches to be exact. My sister thought that Blair was a behemoth, but she's the most beautiful phone I think I've ever had. Given that I've had her less than a week, I still have to work out all of her abilities, but I do have the fingerprint ID down. I also got her a double layer case and the tempered glass screen protector. I'm obviously being very wise.

I don't think that I've reached complete closure as of yet, but now I feel like I can start to get past my grief and begin to finally heal. There's one more thing I need to wait for, but that's not going to finish until October or November. Then, I can proceed with my plans for school and my job. This is the beginning of the end...and it feels like I can start to breathe again.

July Events and August Goals

A lot more happened in July than Tym's departure, I promise.

July was a hard month in general. I dealt with health issues like the (redacted) from hell and the headache from hell as well as some random insanity like a headache induced crush on someone at work I previously did not like, but I also reached some killer milestones like finally making the top ten in sales at work and just this small event in which I finished my book.

I'm sorry. Let me repeat that. I finished my book.

After almost seven very long years of writing on and off, my book is finally finished. It's done. I don't have to continue writing it anymore.

*cue world's biggest smile*

Finishing my book was not particularly a goal I thought I would finish any time soon because I was constantly directionless but I began to write a page of it (longhand) at work and that turned into eight pages in about three and a half days and once those pages were done, I was finished with it. Then, I typed it and did some corrections and when "the end" appeared on my screen, I felt so happy. I had finally finished my book.

I'm going to do some rewrites on it before I start to workshop it and give it to editors and stuff. A year ago or so, I told my friend Katie that I would definitely employ her once it was finished and I'm going to keep that promise because she's a doll and I adore her (and I keep my promises). For now, though, it's just resting. I've spent a lot of time working it over.

In a nutshell, I'm glad July is over. It was a challenging month and the fact that fall is getting closer makes me so much happier. I do have some goals for August, though, in light of the craziness I've been in the middle of.

Yes, I have goals. Don't faint. Here they are:

Concentrate on my job: There's no shocker here. The last couple of days have been hard, really hard and it's taken a lot for me to stay. It's uncharacteristic of me but at the same time, I'm adjusting to a new, unexpected chapter of my life. I would like to keep my job, so my biggest goal is to be able to tune everything out at work and continue to bring my A game.

Work on self care: Again, Tym's departure has rocked me and I don't know if I'm taking care of myself as I probably should. I'm struggling a lot with grieving, so I think some self care is in order. I have an appointment set up to return to therapy but at home, I am sleeping a lot and generally trying my best to relax. Netflix has been my best friend as of late. I would like to continue that routine and just take care of myself so I don't get sick or anything. I want to keep track of my health and not push myself any more than I already do. Also, I think that the self care also means to be patient with myself and others. No explanation needed on that.

Write: I always intended to write a book series and now that the first book is done, I'm ready to tackle what's next with my characters and their story. Also, I want to write more to my friends via email and snail mail. Being busy has kept me from really doing that last month but I miss doing it and I want to make it a top priority of mine to keep on that. If I have your address, expect a letter (or two) from me this month. Part of writing more also means blogging more as well. My blog has suffered immensely this year and I promise to make up for it.

Eat Better: I miss cooking. Simple as that. My other friend, Germana has been taking pictures of the meals that she's purchased from Blue Apron and it's inspired me so much to try either Blue Apron or Plated.

Laugh: This is part of being patient with myself and others when it comes to grief. I've been making jokes and I'm able to laugh, but I am still acknowledging that Tym has departed. I have to remember that it's okay to be funny and laugh at funny things.

What are your goals for August?

(image by Hannah of Pommel Lane. find the image here.)

August

We're more than halfway done with the year. Where did the time go? Was I working that much? Was I so concerned with trying to juggle life that it's passed by so quickly? Wasn't it just March or something?

I wished that July ended on a better note. I really do, but no time machine has been built (yet) so I have to take what I can get. Some moments are not as hard as the others. I think I ran out of tears because I don't think I've cried at all today. I did laugh, though. I've been pretty much distracting myself with YouTube, movies and other things. I also set some appointments and called about things concerning Tym, like getting a copy of his death certificate and stuff.

It's been less than a week but it feels like months have passed and sometimes, life is insanely slow and I'm surprised when I look at the clock and an hour has gone by. I still zone out in places and I generally worry that I'm going to freak someone out. That's how life is lately.

I'm going to have to adapt to this new normal. This won't happen quickly, but I'm afraid that I won't make it out of my grief. There's this really dark place I tend to go to and getting out of it is not easy. There's a part of me that wants to make people feel uncomfortable and a part of me that is following up on issues I had put aside. Today, I was thinking about some of the people I notified and how I notified them when I was at Wal-Mart. I was satisfied about how I told them and I still don't feel bad about it. My mind is going to places that I thought I had closed for good, the kind of anger that I had when I first moved back home almost five years ago. I think that at times, I'm more dark and twisty than Meredith on Grey's Anatomy. I don't want to get out of control.

My nine month job anniversary is on Monday, which is when I'm supposed to return back to work. There's some general nervousness about how I'll handle being there. I really hope that I don't get anymore calls telling me that someone else died. Other than that, I'm just going to have to take one day at a time.

Goodbye

Yesterday, I said goodbye to Tym before they cremated him. I got on a Greyhound bus by myself and proceeded to spend almost four hours going through his personal effects to take with me, speaking with his HR manager about the life insurance policy he listed me as the beneficiary of and going to see him before he became ash. I spent time with his parents and they looked older, like this aged them at least 10-20 years. His mom was tired and frail.

My family was worried about me going to see his body because of my sister's encounter with my father at his funeral. To be honest, I didn't know if I would be able to go through with seeing him. When I first seen him in his coffin shaped cardboard box, I almost turned the other way but I ended up staying in the room, where solemn music was playing and the seats were empty. I spent a good bit of time with his body and talked to him. I scolded him a little. I prayed to God to keep him safe in Heaven. I asked my loved ones that have departed to watch over him because Lord knows he needs it. I told him that I donated some of his parts and stuff to science and to other people because I think he'd get a kick out of being donated to science. Then, curiosity got the better of me and I got a little pokey.

His hair felt normal and so did his facial hair. His shoulder felt stiff and his face felt weird, but I didn't get too touchy-feely. He looked peaceful but not at the same time. Everything but his face was covered by a white sheet because of the accident and all, but I got to say goodbye. I said goodbye to something that looked very much like a wax figure, but I said goodbye and that's what really matters to me.

I guess the hardest thing for me is the fact that there are things I'll never be able to do with him again. I won't be able to text him or call him and talk with him in real time. I won't be able to hug him or touch his face or run my fingers through his hair. He won't ever hold my hand again or poke my nose or kiss me. That's what I want the most, too. I've called his phone at least five times in the past three days, hoping he would pick up. Of course, he hasn't because he's currently busy with being dead. I wish I could be selfish with him just for one day or night or month or year. I wish I could physically touch him. Most of our photos always had us touching, hugging each other, holding hands, etc. I feel deprived of it all and there's a hole in my chest that misses him desperately.

As for the funeral, I guess that the person who hit Tym was insured and is supposed will be paying for the expenses for the cremation and everything. Dad #2 (Chris, aka Tym's father) told me that he dealt with closing Tym's bank accounts and everything. A lot of people know my address and phone number now, though, because I was his next of kin, emergency contact, his wife. There's supposed to be a whirlwind of a windfall and it's not something I'm entirely enthused about. It's been really hard to talk about how much I stand to inherit without bursting into tears or nearly doing so or feeling guilty. That he was insured is okay, but nothing will take his place. Getting a shitload of money isn't going to heal me.

I miss him terribly and it's not getting better. I'm angry and tired all the time when I'm not medicated, numb or sad. I just miss touching him and talking to him. I don't think that will go away but there was a brief time on the way to Ripon where I felt alive and normal. Everything was so technicolor and peaceful and different than how I saw it when I was 25 and was spending the week with Tym down there, miserable because I'd just moved back home only months before and was still sad that he was not coming home.

I have some of his stuff. It's in a bag in my room. The rest of his belongings will be given away because he had a lot of things and I didn't want it all. I don't know when I'll actually go through the stuff I have but I feel better knowing it's here and his parents won't have to see some of the things they shouldn't see. He's nothing but memory and tangible things now. It's stupid and doesn't make any sense but this is my new normal.

'Til Death Do Us Part

This morning, I woke up and got ready for work.  I no longer trust the bus that normally gets me to the halfway point on my work commute, so I decided to leave early and take a walk. This resulted in me getting into work on time and going through a somewhat slow day. I wasn't planning on leaving early because I had not gone into work last Sunday and Monday.  I planned on getting through the day, taking calls and coloring. I was happy because I was just given a letter that told me that I was now the member of a credit union. I was thinking about getting paid and spending my day off with my sister and talking with her over our plans to move in together.

When my first break of the day arrived, around 11:47 am, I went into Not Ready mode so I wouldn't accidentally miss any calls and then, my phone rang. There wasn't any phone number so I thought it was my leasing company, but it was the Milwaukee Police Department. They said they needed to speak to me but wanted to see me in person. I thought I was in trouble and that I was getting arrested. When they told me that wasn't happening, I then asked if one of my loved ones had been arrested. Once we cleared that nobody had been or was going to be arrested, I asked the next question that someone like me would ask: Who Died?

They didn't tell me who it was at first, and that made the call so much harder. I thought it was one of my siblings and I couldn't keep waiting for them to beat around the bush. Then, they finally told me that it was Tym, the man I had separated from. When I confirmed that my husband's name was Tym, they told me that he had died that morning and then proceeded to give me a phone number in order for me to contact who I would later find out was the medical examiner.

After the call, I fell into the grass in front of my job (even though there were road workers out there) and sobbed. I then called my mother first but couldn't reach her, so I told my sister. After that call, I pulled myself together enough to tell the on-duty supervisor of the day that I needed to leave because my husband had died. He gave me a phone number for me to call if I needed more than three days bereavement leave. When I went back outside, I called the medical examiner and she told me how he had died and that he had been wearing his helmet, as well as that she had spoken to my in-laws and that I had  to speak with my in-laws to determine whether or not we would decide to donate whatever we could as well as whether he was going to be buried or not. I spoke with my father in law after that phone call, and it was very civil. We've decided that he would be cremated and I needed to go down to Ripon to see him. After that, my sister came to get me and brought me home.

Telling my mother was the hardest thing. She and Tym had some very rough patches in their relationship, but she still cared for him and considered him a somewhat good decision in someone to marry. When we first split up, she encouraged that he and I should stay close to one another from time to time. I imagine that my mother now feels like my grandmother felt when she was told that my father died eight years ago.

I told her that I thought that this was all stupid and it didn't make any sense and that I didn't know how to feel or to think because I'm angry that he'd gotten another motorcycle and died not even a good week after getting it. I'm angry at him for so many things and yet I miss him. Then, I feel like I shouldn't miss him at all because we were going to get a divorce, but I was still his person. I was still his person and now, I'm person-less.

I just got off of the phone with the people who call about organ, tissue, etc. donation. I told them to take as much as they could but to make him look whole for the viewing. My mom and sister wanted me to take my anxiety meds and sleep but I can't. I feel bad about tweeting about his death and telling people on Facebook but my mom says that I can feel like I want and do what I want because I'm grieving but is this the proper grieving protocol? I have no idea. The person I gave my life to in front of God and the Honorable Allen Murray in Chicago is now dead and I have things I need to do, things to reconcile, etc.

To the Faithful (and) Departed

I finished my first class with a B-. Even though I thought the class was redundant, I still powered through on the last night of it and managed to pass with a B-. It's not my best grade by a long shot, but I still feel very proud of it because working full time poses challenges academically that I haven't had in years.

Speaking of work, peak season still rages on and will continue to do so for a few more weeks. However, it's slowly taking us down and bringing us to our breaking points. My four month work anniversary was on Tuesday, and I can still see how far I've come from when I first started. I've learned some great things and I continue to learn and love my job, but I had a crying spell on Tuesday because I was so exhausted. One of my work brothers went to the hospital temporarily for pneumonia because working weeks at 12 hours a day weakened him. People have started quitting and one of my work sisters may be one of them. All of us in the office are being tested to see how much we can take and I know I can take it to the end but when the dust clears, those still left will be a little more battle-worn. I forgot how challenging being in the real world could be and the challenges make me stronger, but I think it also adds more chips to my heart that will harden me that much more.

Speaking of the real world, my sister and my ex-husband are also in a similar boat. My sister's stress has taken her to places that she never went before, places I have been. It's strange seeing her go through something I went through almost five years ago and I go into denial because I can't imagine it happening to her, but it has and I'm being as supportive as can be right now. That support goes a long way. As for my ex-husband, he will never be able to run or play basketball again. He's been having back problems for a long time but last year, he had surgery for extreme pain that was going into his leg. That surgery either didn't work or made it worse and he's going to have another surgery this year to take the pain away. He will never have full strength in his left leg again. I know that everything will be okay but it's still painful to be an observer of their struggles.

Despite the struggling and the stress, I was dancing on my way home last night. I was happy. I had gotten rest on my day off. I'd had a good day. I have given up expensive lunches for Lent so the sandwich I had from Subway kept me pretty full and energized. I have new eyeglasses and my relationship with my family is at its best. I still feel so blessed. It's a constant feeling I have now. It can be easy to feel this way and forget about everyone else's struggles and pain. It can be easy to feel so self-absorbed and I have been in that place before, living my life and not too concerned about anyone else while they're not doing so well. It's different now, though. I feel connected to myself and my loved ones and it feels right to live my life and still look out of them. This is still my time of learning but when it's done, I will miss those who have fallen.

slowly going along the path

Yesterday, I finished week two of training in the classroom at work. This upcoming week will be my final week in the classroom and then, my classmates and I will be going into what is called "greenhouse," where we'll start to get a feel for taking calls and being on the floor with the other specialists. It feels like the week dragged on at times, but it really flew by and I had no idea how fast this moment would come.

Sometimes, I think about what I would be doing right now if I didn't have a job, and I can't even imagine the desire to be in that headspace anymore. Earlier this year, I felt like being at home and resting was the perfect thing for me and it was. It was for a great amount of time but now that I'm working, I feel like I'm right where I need to be. I'm getting a really good challenge and meeting new people. I'm out of the house every day and in an atmosphere that similar to school but also immensely different. I'm living in a trial and error period and goodness, there's been quite a few errors, but I'm learning.

I still feel like I'm in a dream, even if that dream is to wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning to get an hour or so before I have to get ready for work. Having a job has awakened some dormant interests in me, though. During the first week, I wanted to write desperately, and that's still happening a bit. The desire is strong, though, and I haven't felt like that in a good long while. I also feel excited to start shopping again. At the end of last year and earlier this year, I actually felt depressed about going out and buying things. To me, it felt like too much work and I even ventured into online shopping in February, but I'm starting to feel giddy about it again. The fact that Christmas is coming and December is a three paycheck month makes my excitement just that better.

Life has not been perfect by far. Going out and buying lunch is just too much work for me. Winter is coming, and I need to start dressing for it. I also see all of the things and want to buy them so I can have them tomorrow. Then, there's also the itch of living on my own battling the itch of wanting to stay home a little longer because it's just really nice and comforting to have my mom with me and I can possibly buy all the things. Paranoia and perfectionism have been making themselves known. I miss Sonic with every beat of my heart. My pedestrian rage has come back, I'm really starting to figure out who and what is worth my time and money and sometimes, my bed feels like a comfy alternative to waiting for a bus in chilly weather.

However, I go into work and during that time, everything melts away. On that campus, I am just fine and I am happy. I am grateful and I feel blessed. It's like being a child in kindergarten learning my alphabet and a teenager in college whose knowledge is vast at the same time.

God has put me right where I want to be, and I couldn't be any more content.

lead, or get out of the way

Today went magnificently fast and although I wish that was what I was going to blog about, that's just not the case. Today, I'm going to talk about trying to stay positive and being the change I wish to see in the world.

My life feels brand new. I have a great job and while I'm now in week 2, it's still awesome. I've met some great people who I hope will be friends for a long time and I've decided that this is going to be a place where I'm going to stay for as long as they will keep me. I can now make long-term plans for myself and my family, and I have something to dedicate myself to. I'm even planning on returning to school while working. It's not perfect, but it's pretty nice.

I've been struggling with feeling negative towards some people who are close to my heart. It has been building up for months and I'm trying not to reach my wits' end, even though I'm almost there. I've had conversations about it with other people closest to me and it's all just really frustrating because it all feels unnecessary to me. It seems like in this certain situation, someone else's history is repeating itself and I'm the someone whose history it is. It didn't go well when it happened to me so it makes me really cringe when I see someone I love doing the same thing. It's really frustrating.

I was told earlier tonight that I have to lead by example if I want things to change. I'll admit outright that I am not a person who would outright want to be a leader but in this case, I'm going to have to step forward and take charge. I may have to be annoying about it. I may shed some tears, but I'm going to lead because I was told to. I was told to be a good example to make change, so I will because I'm tired of feeling like something is always broken. I'm tired of wondering if things will just never change for the better in terms of the people in my life and what they're dealing with, which makes me have to deal with it either directly or indirectly.

I will lead by example. I will make the change I wish to see in my life and the world. I will.

push

Last night, I made quite a dumb (but awesome and fun) decision. I was in the middle of watching an old episode of the Twilight Zone when I realized two things: I didn't want to be someone who pushed until someone pushed back and I wanted to try NaNoWriMo again.

So, I'm doing it. I'm participating in NaNoWriMo.

I didn't plan on doing it originally. I don't expect to finish or win this year because I participated in 2009 and didn't even finish the story because I had to concentrate on work. The same will be true this time, although I didn't know that I'd have a new job when I decided that I wasn't going to do it. I haven't done much writing this year, though, so I feel like I need this. I'm trying something new, so I'm excited and gung-ho about it. Writing it will be the beast, though. I know that already.

On the topic of being a "pusher," the episode of Twilight Zone (entitled "Shatterday") is one that I've watched a fair amount of times and it never fails to make me think. If one was to watch it, the first thing they'd notice would be that Bruce Willis actually had hair in 1985. It was the first thing I'd noticed as well. However, the concept is priceless: Peter Novins is trying to reach his girlfriend when he realizes that he's dialed his own phone number. He laughs the mistake off but gets the shock of his life when someone that sounds just like him answers on the other end. The Peter who answers the phone decides that his life needs some improvement as Peter the caller has been making some terrible decisions, and both Peters embark in a battle over who really deserves to live.

While I doubt that I'd ever call my own phone number and another version of me will pick up, the episode makes me think every time I watch it. Peter the caller is very egotistical. He's alienated his mother, is getting ready to get dumped by his girlfriend and convinced a woman to leave her husband only to abandon her and her son. He's not a good guy and the Peter who answers the phone wants all that to change, even if that means that Peter the caller will cease to exist. I've been in the position of both Peters. I've been the one who is so problematic that I've almost lost everyone that matters. I've also been the one who is so hellbent on making things right that it was the only thing that matters. I've been on the receiving end of people who make terrible choices and only have excuses.  I've also been a spectator to the train wreck lives that these people live. It's not good and while I can't change anyone else, I don't want to become someone who pushes until someone or something pushes back.

walking with my feet in front of me

I received this email earlier tonight about a waiting list I was on that had now opened up, but I can't remember when I even signed up for the list anymore. Even so, I thought about joining and being a part of this thing that I was on the waiting list for, and realized that the chasm between who I was last year and who I am now is growing bigger by the day.

I stand up taller than I used to. I was a slumper and every once in a while, I still slump and walk as if I'm still bow-legged. I feel like a penguin when I do. I walked with my feet outwards until I was 18 and then, I started going to the library.

I hadn't had a library card for almost ten years at the time and because it had been that long, and I'd obviously checked out one book during that time, I was given a brand new card. It was like a clean slate, so I started going to the library to surf the internet and pick out books and movies and CDs. I went almost every day and I was so excited to get there and jump on a computer that I would normally walk from my home and get there before it even opened. The staff even knew me by name. During that time, I started to walk with my feet in front of me instead of outwards. It made me faster and I went from getting to my destination in about 30-40 to getting there in about 17 minutes tops, with my headphones on and taking the side streets.

Now, it's ten years later and instead of the library being a change in my life, it's a psychiatrist. I've mentioned Cute Doctor quite a bit now and even though I'm only going twice a week instead of every week, I still remember that I have to go. Of course, this is after the Great Hideout of 2013, where I rescheduled so many appointments because I just needed to be home. I walk almost too fast for my own good now and can get from the bus stop to the waiting room in about 9 minutes.

One thing I also noticed is that I've become more of a pillar of support for my mom than I think I've ever been. I don't think I was ever a selfish person, and I know I was never quite a person about material things, but I find myself keeping things to myself if I know it will affect my mother negatively. I, of course, do what I have to in order to feel better, but I don't do it in front of my mother. I listen to her more. I try to push her to do more things for herself and most importantly, I've found ways to depend on myself and God more than being solidly dependent on her because that's not progress to me. I still lean on her and she's always super supportive of me, but I want to fly on my own and I can't do that if I tell myself that my mom is always a phone call away. I can't make her make decisions for my life. She has given me a great gift in teaching me how to establish my faith and keep God close to me.

Things are hard for me sometimes. I struggle more than I want to and it's taken a toll, but I think that I'm more confident than I should be. Like I've mentioned before, it's not in me to stay down, even when I feel so beaten up. I'm like my mother that way. I'm not where I want to be and I'm often impatient in wanting to be at my current finish line. I'm a lot better than I was last year, though. I think I've forced myself into transitioning, and it's not the first time I've done that and I'm pretty sure that it won't be the last time, but I feel pretty good with the results. As long as I feel like I'm getting some good progress in after some hard shit, I'm good. I think I can deal.

hello, august!

I can't say enough about how much I loved today.

Today, I have a whole lot of friends starting VEDA (or Vlog Every Day in August). I have another friend who's on a digital sabbatical for the month. As for me, I have some interests of my own to pursue. But, I'll get to that in a minute.

Last night, I couldn't sleep and when I did go to sleep, I had coughing fits I wasn't fully aware of. Not getting any sleep would be enough for me to feel pretty crappy and feel like that all day, but I didn't. Instead, I did some shopping and got some stuff to eat as well as some cold medicine and allergy medicine so the coughing fits won't happen again. I also got some orange juice and soup because I still feel pretty crappy on the inside and orange juice and soup always makes one feel better.

After doing some printing, I decided to stop by Barnes and Noble because there's been a book I've wanted for at least two weeks. I had taken a nap and woke up hours before, as well as edited the latest complete chapter of my book. I was bored and it was almost 5:30 pm so I got dressed and headed out. At the mall I went to, which is an outdoor/indoor mall, I grabbed some gelato at this really cool place. It was raspberry and had a really cool waffle cookie that came with it.



I finished my gelato before I bought anything at Barnes & Noble, but I did manage to walk past a live band and basically bask in the nice weather. There was a live band playing and everyone was really nice. Also, I finally added the Shazam app to my phone after two incidents where I went to the same mall with my sister and missed out on really cool songs. Then, I entered Barnes & Noble.

I went in there with a plan, but I was tempted many times with cute stationery and awesome journals like this one of Ryan Gosling.

(retail price: $9.95)

I kid you not. This is a real journal and it had different "Hey Girl" quotes in it. I know I have at least one friend who will squeal over this.

As for me, I almost bought it but I had set a price limit in my head. That didn't stop me from buying a pretty notebook, though. Truthfully, I'm glad that I was able to get out of that store with money still in my bank account because temptation is a fickle bitch.

Before coming home, I finally did two things that I've needed to do for at least two months: fix my key and buy some spoons. I broke my key in half months ago when I tried to open the security door to my home and last month, I had to throw away my previous spoons. So, I'm back to using my own set of keys and eating soup. I'm also feeling optimistic about this month, but I'm also going to pray my little heart out.

I'll be back tomorrow but after Saturday, I'm going to be off the grid for the month. I'm going to try really hard to stick through a digital sabbatical as well as saving money this month. Happy August to you all!

on falling free and never being alone

By general rule, I'm never actually alone. I live at home so I pretty much continue to see my mother 24/7. I also have a pet guard rat who lives in my closet (it's actually a domestic, from the Humane Society, rat so there's no need to freak out). My sister lives less than a block away, eleven units down from me and my mom. My brother and I converse over the phone and through text. Sometimes, I see him, too. My phone is never off because I may get a text from my sister late at night or I may need to call my mom when I'm at the store to see if she needed something or make sure I'm getting the right thing, or if Sonic (my pet guard rat) may finally start talking and insulting me about not getting his food in a timely manner.

Last weekend, I was alone except with two cats. I was not at home and in living by myself for those two and a half days, I hated it. I constantly visited my home and basically kept myself busy doing stuff. I normally like being by myself but I felt completely alone and worried, and I learned that I don't do well alone in that situation. It reminds me of when my husband told me that he was staying with his parents and not coming back to Milwaukee. I was blindsided and it took me at least two months to learn how to live by myself, although I'd never done it before. Yeah, I hate that feeling. I get left alone with my anxiety and...eh.

I was taught a lesson, though, but I feel like I had to really fall away from any kind of metaphorical security blanket and just learn to trust God. I made a lot of phone calls to the same set of phone numbers multiple times a day and took care of the cats as best as I could. I prayed more than I think I ever have before and tried to distract myself a great deal. Otherwise, I felt like I was by myself and God got me through it all fairly well. I guess He decided to show me exactly what I was capable of under pressure. He knew that I could handle it and probably figured that it was about time for me to really tap into what I could do. I didn't feel like I was doing anything out of the ordinary, doing what I would've done no matter what, but I guess I was.

I have such an adrenaline crash and it's going to take some time until all is completely well again, but I learned so many things this past weekend. I may not have been around a lot of people or family, but God was with me the entire time and He was listening to me. I had to finally fall backwards and let God catch me, and He did. He made things okay again and I feel even stronger that He will never leave me alone.

fragments on a friday (4)

*This week was rough! Some of it was self-inflicted and some of it was rough for other people. This week drove me to a limit, showed me what I'm capable of and pushed me to figure out if that person is someone I want to be. I had to grab on to faith harder than I have in a while and I think it was beneficial because instead of running away from God, I went to him and asked him for help. Yesterday, my mom told me everything I needed to hear in order to be the person I want to be and make the choices I should make. It felt like God Himself was speaking through her. Last night, I was able to figure out so much, things I already knew but hadn't thought through clearly. So, this week was rough, but I at least learned something and grew stronger.

*Today was surreal. I can't really get into any details because it's a huge family matter but I will say that shit has gotten real. I've been pondering if my position in life is to observe but today, I think I realized that it's to observe and learn, and stay close to family. And let me tell you how hard it is to observe things happening. I'm so tempted to intervene and I'm willing to get myself in trouble to save a family member if it didn't mean worrying my mom more than she might be. The wheels turn in my head and sitting by myself isn't good because I'm planning elaborate ideas that doesn't involve killing anyone or robbing a bank. I also didn't know how much I'd been relying on social media until today when all I wanted to do was tell everyone what the what is, but I'm not because it's not my story to tell and it's my family who'll have to deal with it together.

*I made chicken cacciatore again this morning/afternoon. It was a good distraction as I was able to really tweak my heavily adapted recipe and actually pay attention to what I was doing. I added diced tomatoes, more mushrooms, green pepper and sliced onion and used smaller, free range chicken thighs. I think it's better than the original batch I made, but that's probably the point. I'm also getting more comfortable with cooking chicken. I've only cooked chicken three times in my life, but I did it well. I don't know how often I will actually continue to mess around with poultry but it's a great skill to have.

*I think I may have a summer cold. My nose has been running nonstop today and I took a Benadryl and a sip of cold medicine. Neither of them worked, so I don't know what's going on but my body is leaning towards summer cold because I'm not really allergic to things other than certain foods.

*Last night, I realized how much my parents were made for one another. When I was a kid, and up until just recently, I concentrated mostly on memories of my parents arguing (although I still believe my childhood was wonderful if not spoiling). I thought that they didn't like each other and I was wrong about that. My mom told me that my dad was never anything but happy each time she was pregnant (and sad when she miscarried) and I thought about how they were a good balance for me, my siblings and each other (although today was one of the rare days I'm glad my dad is not here). My dad was working long distance a lot, but my mom was there and when my dad came home, we had a lot of fun. One day, I'll explain all the money I got as a kid from my parents without earning it, since that was a little part of how my parents raised me, my sister and my brother. Anyway, really getting it now makes me hopeful that when I marry (again) and have children (finally), I'll be sure to have a balanced relationship with my husband.

young and restless

Before getting my first office job, I used to love staying at home. Everything I did at the time was at my house, so I didn't have to go anywhere, and I enjoyed it. I could write with my headphones on. I could play my PS2. I could eat whatever I wanted. Home was my refuge.

Then, I started working.

It took some getting used to and it felt like I never had time to just breathe, especially when I moved into my own place. Time felt like it slipped away from me way too quickly. When I stopped working, though, I began to feel unsettled and full of discord. I thought it was because I was no longer making my own money, which had a lot to do with it, but it was also that I was so used to working that I felt extremely restless at home.

Doing my classes online helped ease the restlessness for a time, but I still ended up in need of outdoor time. I took at least one on-campus class each semester and then signed up for extracurricular activities. Simply put, I was always doing something to keep me busy at home or at school.

This month has been one of the hardest months I've experienced in a very long time. I've spent most of my time at home and I am bored out of my mind, not to mention broke as all get out. Transportation has been limited, my stomach has started a revolution against me and I can only get so much rest. I've been resting since Spring Break. Enough is enough.

A plan has been set into motion, but I'm now in the sad phase of this restless issue. I'm glad that most of my friends are on the internet because I am a sorry, sorry sight to see right now.

I'll be going now. I have some more lumping to do.

fragments on a friday

*I woke up in the middle of a thunderstorm this morning. Before then, I had no idea that it was going to rain and waking up briefly at 3:15 am just made me feel frustrated. I've been having some strange dreams lately and waking up in the middle of the night seems to make me feel worse.

*Within a span of a week and a half,  I had dreams about children. One dream had me going to a rundown urban library to pick up my adopted son Connor, who was spending time with my sister. The second, most recent, dream had me in a luxury hotel room with my sister, Sophia. Our father was an egomaniac would didn't seem too hesitant to disown us if we didn't follow him in the "family business." I don't know how old I was supposed to be, but Sophia was definitely about five years old and had a sprained ankle from dance class (?). I ended up putting her to sleep in a king size hotel bed in our room (telling a receptionist at the front desk that she was my daughter) before running back to the room because I had to get my camera to take pictures of celebrities. In doing that, I ended up almost drowning (?!) but safely returned to the room, where I woke her up. That dream ended with me and her trying to prep the room for an inspection. I think that these may possibly be my two options in life. In both dreams I was single, so maybe I'll be a single mom. Who knows?

*The night before last, I had a panic attack. I haven't had one in a while but I wasn't feeling well and was waiting to see if I was actually going to be sick while playing Tetris on my phone. Once the nausea intensified, I ended up laying back down and eventually fell asleep. That is the best I've ever handled a panic attack before.

*My sister makes great money at her job. She makes at least $400 in commission alone. Being that I am still unemployed, my mouth waters at the opportunity of having a job where I can work hard, bring in some major overtime and solidify my independence. Also, it enables me to take care of my mom and either do for her what I feel like I should be doing or allow her to take care of herself better than she's been allowed to since I moved in. Also, my bills are very minimal compared to my siblings, since I don't drive. A place of my own would probably be my biggest expense but I am very flexible. I could live in a studio or a one bedroom very comfortably and I don't have any furniture yet. As you can tell, I'm constantly thinking about this.

*This past week, I've really grown and reinforced a "get over it" theory in myself and my family. My siblings, most particularly my sister, takes it really hard when my mom gets ticked off. In the past year, I like to think that I've done a lot of growing and learning, so my mother's anger doesn't affect me as much as it used to. Instead of wanting to hide away and be fearful, I try to be more patient and listen. I think it's working and I told my sister to really just try not to let it bother her. I also tell my mom the same thing about things that tend to linger. I love my family to pieces and successful conflict resolution is something that I hope will bring us closer.

*In conclusion, the better part of the weekend and this week has been spent on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. As stated on the sidebar, I'm a Buffy enthusiast and have been since I was 13/14. So, I've seen it all before, but I hadn't seen it with the help of the Snark Squad. Reading their summaries/observations while watching is like starting a new show and laughing the entire time.

What's been up with everyone else?