It wasn't my intention to be away as long as I have been. It's just that the longer I looked at my blog, I realized that I didn't have much to write about. To be honest, I still don't, but I think we'll be okay. We'll just have to take things slowly.
Last Thursday, I officially took the plunge and declared Global Security as my major. If I'm being technical, Global Studies is my major but Global Security is the track I'm in. I've decided to simplify things and say that I am a Global Security major. I feel accomplished now, especially because I'd come into school as Undeclared. I had set up an appointment and gone to that appointment to declare myself as an English major, but something went horribly wrong there. Now, I have an official major and I'm feeling good about it. I have about 55 credits to go, so that's about four more years or less if I decide to take 15 credits each semester. I'll figure it out, but it's not something I'm worried about.
As of today, I am sick. I have a cold, and I don't even think it's a bad one but it's definitely trying to take me down. I missed two days of classes, but I have an interview tomorrow so I have to go. Next week is also the midterms, so I want to be absolutely on top of my game for them. If that means I have to pump myself with so much cold medicine, I'm sweating DayQuil, so be it.
I feel hopeful. This is a statement I've used many times thus far, but I do feel hopeful. Last night, I was feeling pretty dark, so it's nice to wake up and feel like things will be okay. I feel like a lot is going on in my life, but I don't think there's ever been a time where a lot hasn't been going on in my adult life. I tend to do well when overwhelmed, believe it or not. Methinks it's the anxiety that gets me going.
I'm super excited about going down this road to whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to do. Global Security and peace building is actually making me reassess who I am as a person and how I do things, because I don't want to be a hypocrite. It's hellish and wonderful trying to be a better woman. It's also hellish and wonderful assessing just how much power I have to make positive change. I'm not going to be able to make a difference overnight and I'm trying to reconcile with that, but I think it will be okay because the change I hope to make will be long-lasting and that's better than anything else.
Showing posts with label Accountability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Accountability. Show all posts
October 6, 2015
September 20, 2015
Page 253: The Art of Wanting to Give Up (and Not Doing So)
Last week was one of the hardest weeks I've had in months. I'm good under pressure and find that I work really well in those conditions, but it's only when necessary. Last week, up until yesterday, felt unnecessary and I became a hopeless wreck.
There are very few outside influences that sends my anxiety off the charts. Money is one of them. I loved my job and everything that came with it, so it broke my heart when I no longer felt comfortable there after Tym's death. I blame him and the circumstances, even though he couldn't control dying. Still, he was the only person who could throw me off my perch and he did. Not having a job and not making as much money as I used to has me in a spiral of anxiety and frustration.
I missed two classes last week and that made me feel even worse because I am so content with my school schedule, but I am literally being pulled in two different directions. I can do school and not make any money or I can work and not take classes. When I started this semester, I thought I was doing what God had wanted of me, but I'm not sure anymore.
I thought about giving up last week. I thought about dropping my classes and not looking for work and instead just laying in bed and crying until I ran out of tears. I felt like being in a maze I couldn't get out of, and then I went to class on Thursday and saw an alarming video on war in my Peace Studies class.
Talk about a mindfuck.
When I came out of class that day, I felt even more hopeless than before because that feeling of defeat was on a more global scale. I was sure that the only way that things would get better was if I became President or if God just ended the world. Until yesterday, I was all for God ending the world now. Do you know what happened next?
I remembered that it was my half-birthday.
My half-birthday is nothing special, if I'm being honest, but I think it's special because it's the birthday of an old friend of mine. Until last year, I wished her a happy birthday and she would wish me a happy half-birthday. On my birthday, I would wish her a happy half-birthday and she would wish me a happy birthday. Even though we weren't super close, it was our tradition and that tradition reminded me that there are bad things in the world but there are also good things in the world. I also felt like if I just gave up, I would be letting God and my family down, especially since I was as strong as I could be after Tym died.
I wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing. I wish I knew that things would be okay. I don't know anyone who likes being scared and uncertainty is a scary thing for me. I'm trying to build myself back up from Hell Week, but I think I'll be different this time. I'll have to be more compromising and non-resistant because there are things that need to be done right now and it'll just keep getting worse if I'm not flexible to it. I've been through situations like this many times. I know how this works and I know that I'm going to have to start fighting again. So, let's do this.
There are very few outside influences that sends my anxiety off the charts. Money is one of them. I loved my job and everything that came with it, so it broke my heart when I no longer felt comfortable there after Tym's death. I blame him and the circumstances, even though he couldn't control dying. Still, he was the only person who could throw me off my perch and he did. Not having a job and not making as much money as I used to has me in a spiral of anxiety and frustration.
I missed two classes last week and that made me feel even worse because I am so content with my school schedule, but I am literally being pulled in two different directions. I can do school and not make any money or I can work and not take classes. When I started this semester, I thought I was doing what God had wanted of me, but I'm not sure anymore.
I thought about giving up last week. I thought about dropping my classes and not looking for work and instead just laying in bed and crying until I ran out of tears. I felt like being in a maze I couldn't get out of, and then I went to class on Thursday and saw an alarming video on war in my Peace Studies class.
Talk about a mindfuck.
When I came out of class that day, I felt even more hopeless than before because that feeling of defeat was on a more global scale. I was sure that the only way that things would get better was if I became President or if God just ended the world. Until yesterday, I was all for God ending the world now. Do you know what happened next?
I remembered that it was my half-birthday.
My half-birthday is nothing special, if I'm being honest, but I think it's special because it's the birthday of an old friend of mine. Until last year, I wished her a happy birthday and she would wish me a happy half-birthday. On my birthday, I would wish her a happy half-birthday and she would wish me a happy birthday. Even though we weren't super close, it was our tradition and that tradition reminded me that there are bad things in the world but there are also good things in the world. I also felt like if I just gave up, I would be letting God and my family down, especially since I was as strong as I could be after Tym died.
I wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing. I wish I knew that things would be okay. I don't know anyone who likes being scared and uncertainty is a scary thing for me. I'm trying to build myself back up from Hell Week, but I think I'll be different this time. I'll have to be more compromising and non-resistant because there are things that need to be done right now and it'll just keep getting worse if I'm not flexible to it. I've been through situations like this many times. I know how this works and I know that I'm going to have to start fighting again. So, let's do this.
September 8, 2015
Page 240: My Conflict with My Conflict Resolution Course
I want to start this post off by saying that I am in love with my classes and I hope that this is indeed learning on my part. I hate hypocrisy with a fiery, burning passion, so it would kill me if I was a hypocrite or became one.
*
I am a person with a bad temper. I always have been. I was born with it. Seriously, I was 5 pounds, 8 ounces and screaming my little head off with my fist balled up when the doctors delivered me via c-section. When I've lost my temper, I've grabbed things. I've been involved in house-destroying fist fights. My mother told me at 13 that I would need to learn self-control after a particularly disturbing incident involving me, a baseball bat and a family member that was causing trouble, and what I would have done.
As I've gotten older, I've learned a lot of self-control and I haven't had a fist fight in about seven years. I've learned to keep my temper under a lot of control, even to the point of having to take anti-anxiety medication because all of that anger is turned inward and becomes nausea and panic attacks. If I find myself in a conflict, I shut down. I cut people off. They cease to exist. It works to an extent, so I can keep from doing or saying something hurtful and cruel because I've seen cruelty and I don't want to be a cruel person.
I've become very interested in trying to improve the world. On the night that President Obama was elected, I told my sister, my husband and my mother that I helped change the world. Even though I am older and more realistic, I feel like I can do good. It gives me a sense of purpose. There's just something about writing that doesn't fulfill me and I see it as a selfish hobby, a selfish existence, at times. I don't feel this way about any writer except myself, but we're all our own worst enemies. To me, writers can change the world but I can't if I'm writing.
I want to teach. I love children and I feel like I could help them become great people, but even that's not enough for me anymore. I didn't realize this until I started taking the courses I'm in now. The courses enforced in me a feeling that I need to help change the world for the better. It enforced me a feeling that I've finally figured out what I want to do with my life, and maybe this is why I'm here.
There's a small problem that I've encountered, though.
My temper has come back and I am very angry.
It's been like this for a while now, on and off, but my Intro to Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies course has made me become aware of the injustices in the world and it's making me rage on all of the things that are problematic on a global and familial scale. I want to change things, yes, but I also want to solve the problems I'm having with violence. That is not resolving conflict or being peaceful at all. It's also against my faith, so this craving goes against a lot of things. I rant sometimes and it helps sometimes. Shutting down is pretty good, too. It keeps me from going ballistic. My attitude is problematic, to say the least, and I want to change it. It's just hard because it feels like all the wrong people doing all the wrong things have all the power and there's no way to stop them. I feel powerless.
My biggest goal at this moment is to become a better advocate for sustainable peace-building and I can't do that if I'm raging out. Maybe I'll take up boxing or something.
September 2, 2015
Page 234: The Danger of a Single Story
Today was my first day of class for the fall semester and as previously mentioned, I am taking Global Studies 101: People and Politics as well as Intro to Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies. My Global Studies 101 course was today and along with my fellow classmates, we got down to the nitty-gritty about politics, culture and global issues. There were about 11 issues that are current, but my teacher is a RN PhD who also does research and help lots of people with AIDS in Kenya, so she warned us to let her know when she gets a little too biased about the subject of health.
There was a lot of information to obtain for the first day, but it came down to culture is acquired and culture can be used as a detriment. After the lecture, my classmates and I watched a TED Talk of Chimimanda Adichie, who is a wonderful writer. It was called The Danger of a Single Story, hence the title of this post.
In the TED Talk, Ms. Adichie spoke of how she first read stories about Caucasian children who talked about the weather and enjoyed the sun, and how it was discouraging because there was no one in the stories that was like her. When she was a child, there was also a houseboy that worked for her family and her mother always pointed out how poor the houseboy and his family were, but Ms. Adichie was shocked when she and her family visited the houseboy's home and was astonished to see a beautiful basket that the houseboy's brother made himself. She thought that the family was too poor to make anything.
When Ms. Adichie arrived in America for college, her roommate was stunned that she spoke perfect English instead of gibberish and listened to Mariah Carey instead of "tribal music." According to John Locke and Rudyard Kipling, people in Africa were dark and evil, and Ms. Adichie believed that the single idea in these stories/statements were passed down to her roommate, who made these stupid assumptions about her.
(if you want to TL;DR, watch the video here)
After watching the video, I got to thinking about what stereotypes I may be harboring for the sheer reason of because it was what I had learned. At the age of 30, there aren't many stereotypes, but that's not true of everyone. People are color are targeted constantly because of the stereotypes they are subjected to. Black people are considered to be ignorant, "ghetto" and loud. They eat fried chicken and watermelon. Hispanic people are considered to be the ones who would take any jobs, stealing the resources from this country by crossing the border. Middle Eastern people are constantly considered to be suspicious. After 9/11, I doubt that there has been one Middle Eastern adult that has not been called a terrorist. Asian people are considered to be super smart. Their women are fetishized by the "geisha" stereotype.
These problematic labels were all created by a single story that has been constantly perpetuated throughout generations. There are even more stereotypes that I haven't mentioned in this post, and a lot of people are mentioned in those stereotypes, including Caucasian people.
I know that I haven't even touched on what I will learn in this class, but a single story can be more dangerous than you know. I am definitely reflecting on what I've learned, what I've shared and how I've encouraged stereotypes. I hate the term "learning experience," especially because of the many times I've heard it this year alone, but I guess my class and today has been a learning experience for me. I have to check my stereotypical thoughts at the door, and I look forward to that because I will benefit so much from it. If I can benefit from it, I'll be able to help others benefit from it as well.
What are some of the single stories you have heard?
P.S: Did you know that today, 21,000 children have died? Did you know that African-American men in Harlem have shorter life spans than people in Bangladesh, Japan and Algiers combined? Did you also know that the U.S is #29 when it comes to the rating of our healthcare and that our GDP is $48,000 while Kenya's is $1,600? The more you know...
There was a lot of information to obtain for the first day, but it came down to culture is acquired and culture can be used as a detriment. After the lecture, my classmates and I watched a TED Talk of Chimimanda Adichie, who is a wonderful writer. It was called The Danger of a Single Story, hence the title of this post.
In the TED Talk, Ms. Adichie spoke of how she first read stories about Caucasian children who talked about the weather and enjoyed the sun, and how it was discouraging because there was no one in the stories that was like her. When she was a child, there was also a houseboy that worked for her family and her mother always pointed out how poor the houseboy and his family were, but Ms. Adichie was shocked when she and her family visited the houseboy's home and was astonished to see a beautiful basket that the houseboy's brother made himself. She thought that the family was too poor to make anything.
When Ms. Adichie arrived in America for college, her roommate was stunned that she spoke perfect English instead of gibberish and listened to Mariah Carey instead of "tribal music." According to John Locke and Rudyard Kipling, people in Africa were dark and evil, and Ms. Adichie believed that the single idea in these stories/statements were passed down to her roommate, who made these stupid assumptions about her.
(if you want to TL;DR, watch the video here)
After watching the video, I got to thinking about what stereotypes I may be harboring for the sheer reason of because it was what I had learned. At the age of 30, there aren't many stereotypes, but that's not true of everyone. People are color are targeted constantly because of the stereotypes they are subjected to. Black people are considered to be ignorant, "ghetto" and loud. They eat fried chicken and watermelon. Hispanic people are considered to be the ones who would take any jobs, stealing the resources from this country by crossing the border. Middle Eastern people are constantly considered to be suspicious. After 9/11, I doubt that there has been one Middle Eastern adult that has not been called a terrorist. Asian people are considered to be super smart. Their women are fetishized by the "geisha" stereotype.
These problematic labels were all created by a single story that has been constantly perpetuated throughout generations. There are even more stereotypes that I haven't mentioned in this post, and a lot of people are mentioned in those stereotypes, including Caucasian people.
I know that I haven't even touched on what I will learn in this class, but a single story can be more dangerous than you know. I am definitely reflecting on what I've learned, what I've shared and how I've encouraged stereotypes. I hate the term "learning experience," especially because of the many times I've heard it this year alone, but I guess my class and today has been a learning experience for me. I have to check my stereotypical thoughts at the door, and I look forward to that because I will benefit so much from it. If I can benefit from it, I'll be able to help others benefit from it as well.
What are some of the single stories you have heard?
P.S: Did you know that today, 21,000 children have died? Did you know that African-American men in Harlem have shorter life spans than people in Bangladesh, Japan and Algiers combined? Did you also know that the U.S is #29 when it comes to the rating of our healthcare and that our GDP is $48,000 while Kenya's is $1,600? The more you know...
January 15, 2015
Page 15: In Which Natasha Is A Bit Overwhelmed
I'm a little overwhelmed.
I look at the clock and find that days are going by so fast. I start school in 11 days and I don't know if I'm ready. I'm nervous, but ready is something I'm not sure I am.
At work, I am doing exemplary, but I feel like there's something lacking. I don't like my direct supervisor at all and I don't like how passive-aggressive he is, but I'm still struggling with wondering if he is enough to make me quit this job. I don't want to quit and if I had my way, these people would have to pry me away from my cubicle, but I also don't want to lose it on anyone.
I've also been in search for the perfect computer, again. I think that the perfect computer, though, is Isla (the one before Petunia). My mom doesn't like the way that Isla handles and all the computers I'm searching for is identical to Isla. Isn't that ironic?
I had to disconnect myself from my FitBit for a while. It's getting too obsessive and since I've missed a couple of days because the battery died, I feel like I am slipping away from it. I knew it would happen, but I think I just need to either start again or give myself a freaking break.
I want to believe that this time of the year is what is overwhelming me. I'm dealing with school and Peak Season at work. I want the best of both worlds, but what am I willing to give for it to happen? Even that question is a bit overwhelming.
I look at the clock and find that days are going by so fast. I start school in 11 days and I don't know if I'm ready. I'm nervous, but ready is something I'm not sure I am.
At work, I am doing exemplary, but I feel like there's something lacking. I don't like my direct supervisor at all and I don't like how passive-aggressive he is, but I'm still struggling with wondering if he is enough to make me quit this job. I don't want to quit and if I had my way, these people would have to pry me away from my cubicle, but I also don't want to lose it on anyone.
I've also been in search for the perfect computer, again. I think that the perfect computer, though, is Isla (the one before Petunia). My mom doesn't like the way that Isla handles and all the computers I'm searching for is identical to Isla. Isn't that ironic?
I had to disconnect myself from my FitBit for a while. It's getting too obsessive and since I've missed a couple of days because the battery died, I feel like I am slipping away from it. I knew it would happen, but I think I just need to either start again or give myself a freaking break.
I want to believe that this time of the year is what is overwhelming me. I'm dealing with school and Peak Season at work. I want the best of both worlds, but what am I willing to give for it to happen? Even that question is a bit overwhelming.
January 13, 2015
Page 13: In Which Natasha Observes The Big Miracles in Small Moments
I am a firm believer that my wrongdoings will always bite me in the ass eventually.
Case in point: My sister and I got into a text-gument last month and besides telling her that she was ungrateful, I also said something really mean that I shouldn't have because I was told it in confidence. We forgave each other a couple of days later, but my mom found out about it yesterday and she is now really angry at me. I'm not even going to say that I don't deserve it because I deserve about 75% of it. I was really being a brat and it was unfair.
Today was a crap day, despite my biggest wish for it not to be. I was just angry, and I didn't go to bed angry but I was just frustrated at work. Today was just not my day and not even my fries and milkshake could make me feel better.
Yet, something changed when I was heading home.
My cab driver didn't know where he was going to get to my job and he drove around to get to me. I was getting ready to unleash some unnecessary roughness on him but then, I got in the car and as he drove, I decided to tell him the story of the office park I work at. I don't know why, but I did. I didn't even think I knew the story, but I did. So, I told it to him. Then, we started talking about my getting to work and coming home. Then, I told him about Tym.
He responded very kindly and told me that I was a good person who would find another husband and that God had great plans for me because God was great, as well as that I should not cry because God would help me. He was so kind and I didn't feel like I deserved it but by the time the cab ride was over, I gave him $40 and was nearly in tears of joy because of his kindness. He told me about his family and I felt so warm and like I needed to hear that after a day and a half of feeling like crap because of anger and frustration.
On top of that, I'd been worried about my financial aid to go to school this semester because I'm running out of my undergrad financial aid, but I saw my award letter for the semester and found that I had enough not only to cover my classes and fees but I would also get a bit of a refund back as well.
I felt well and truly blessed.
I am one of those people who questions my purpose now and then, but I get reminders that I just need to keep going on the straight and narrow and not be an asshole to people. I guess that's a miracle to me.
Case in point: My sister and I got into a text-gument last month and besides telling her that she was ungrateful, I also said something really mean that I shouldn't have because I was told it in confidence. We forgave each other a couple of days later, but my mom found out about it yesterday and she is now really angry at me. I'm not even going to say that I don't deserve it because I deserve about 75% of it. I was really being a brat and it was unfair.
Today was a crap day, despite my biggest wish for it not to be. I was just angry, and I didn't go to bed angry but I was just frustrated at work. Today was just not my day and not even my fries and milkshake could make me feel better.
Yet, something changed when I was heading home.
My cab driver didn't know where he was going to get to my job and he drove around to get to me. I was getting ready to unleash some unnecessary roughness on him but then, I got in the car and as he drove, I decided to tell him the story of the office park I work at. I don't know why, but I did. I didn't even think I knew the story, but I did. So, I told it to him. Then, we started talking about my getting to work and coming home. Then, I told him about Tym.
He responded very kindly and told me that I was a good person who would find another husband and that God had great plans for me because God was great, as well as that I should not cry because God would help me. He was so kind and I didn't feel like I deserved it but by the time the cab ride was over, I gave him $40 and was nearly in tears of joy because of his kindness. He told me about his family and I felt so warm and like I needed to hear that after a day and a half of feeling like crap because of anger and frustration.
On top of that, I'd been worried about my financial aid to go to school this semester because I'm running out of my undergrad financial aid, but I saw my award letter for the semester and found that I had enough not only to cover my classes and fees but I would also get a bit of a refund back as well.
I felt well and truly blessed.
I am one of those people who questions my purpose now and then, but I get reminders that I just need to keep going on the straight and narrow and not be an asshole to people. I guess that's a miracle to me.
January 11, 2015
Page 11: In Which Natasha Rants About Work (Again)
I'm going to preface this by saying that I love my job, but I hope you are all ready to read a lot of complaints about Peak Season.
Today was a true picture of peak season. It was so busy, I didn't take my lunch or my last break. I was literally on the phone all day, with the exception of my first break and a couple of bathroom breaks.
My FitBit also died as well.
It was just a huge mess of le pooh.
I got spoiled and took advantage of the hold times at work. Busy is busy, but this is busy.
Yet, I feel like I have gotten part of myself back. I feel more determined and fiery that I have in a very long time. Maybe I do have reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I feel strong and I'm totally determined to keep going. There's a spark in me that hasn't been there in months.
Peak Season still sucks, though.
Today was a true picture of peak season. It was so busy, I didn't take my lunch or my last break. I was literally on the phone all day, with the exception of my first break and a couple of bathroom breaks.
My FitBit also died as well.
It was just a huge mess of le pooh.
I got spoiled and took advantage of the hold times at work. Busy is busy, but this is busy.
Yet, I feel like I have gotten part of myself back. I feel more determined and fiery that I have in a very long time. Maybe I do have reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I feel strong and I'm totally determined to keep going. There's a spark in me that hasn't been there in months.
Peak Season still sucks, though.
January 6, 2015
Page 6: In Which Natasha Talks About Her Spending Freeze
Life in my corner of the world has been very nice as of late. I feel like I've gotten back into the groove at work and a lot more solid than I had in a while.
I have a problem, though. I was supposed to have been on a pseudo-spending freeze in December, but it just got worse. December was Christmas and I was determined to have the best Christmas ever, so I spent like a maniac on my family, friends and myself. On December 31st, my mother allowed me to have a little spending spree and Oh My Goodness, I went nuts. I spent more at Victoria's Secret in one day than I had in at least two years maybe. I also went back to Sephora, because I can now find a reason to go to the store or order online every time. Don't even get me started on Williams-Sonoma. Also, did you know that I can't leave Target without at least two of their high-end notebooks? Yeah, it was pretty bad. So much so, my credit card payments this month was astronomical (I'm too ashamed to actually give you the figure).
Since this is a problem, one that even my mother has noticed, I'm going on a spending freeze until mid-February starting tomorrow.
I've become to dependent on money in the past few months. I used it as a way of coping as well as a way to get rid of it because it's not good when you receive a check and burst into tears that are not full of joy. Going to Target is the only way I truly hang out with my sister. I am at the top of both Best Buy and Sephora's memberships, where you have to spend at least $1,000-$2,000. There was at least a solid block of over a month where my mother and I just ate take-out. The people at my nearby Wal-Mart know who I am. I'm not broke in the least bit, but I don't want to be broke before the middle of the year either. So, I need to do this spending freeze.
The plan is this: I am not buying anything that is not related to general living, school or work. That narrows my purchases down to the essentials (feminine products, towels, laundry, etc.), food, bills and transportation to both work and school. Everything else gets saved. This plan also helps me now because I'm back at work again and since it's Peak Season there, I'm doing mandatory overtime. Mandatory overtime equals bigger paychecks, which equals more money to save and more time to rest because I'm not hanging out at stores all the time.
I may start working on a journal that tracks my spending, but I'm pretty confident that I can hold through without recording it because I'm sticking to the basics.
Have you ever done a spending freeze? Did it work for you?
I have a problem, though. I was supposed to have been on a pseudo-spending freeze in December, but it just got worse. December was Christmas and I was determined to have the best Christmas ever, so I spent like a maniac on my family, friends and myself. On December 31st, my mother allowed me to have a little spending spree and Oh My Goodness, I went nuts. I spent more at Victoria's Secret in one day than I had in at least two years maybe. I also went back to Sephora, because I can now find a reason to go to the store or order online every time. Don't even get me started on Williams-Sonoma. Also, did you know that I can't leave Target without at least two of their high-end notebooks? Yeah, it was pretty bad. So much so, my credit card payments this month was astronomical (I'm too ashamed to actually give you the figure).
Since this is a problem, one that even my mother has noticed, I'm going on a spending freeze until mid-February starting tomorrow.
I've become to dependent on money in the past few months. I used it as a way of coping as well as a way to get rid of it because it's not good when you receive a check and burst into tears that are not full of joy. Going to Target is the only way I truly hang out with my sister. I am at the top of both Best Buy and Sephora's memberships, where you have to spend at least $1,000-$2,000. There was at least a solid block of over a month where my mother and I just ate take-out. The people at my nearby Wal-Mart know who I am. I'm not broke in the least bit, but I don't want to be broke before the middle of the year either. So, I need to do this spending freeze.
The plan is this: I am not buying anything that is not related to general living, school or work. That narrows my purchases down to the essentials (feminine products, towels, laundry, etc.), food, bills and transportation to both work and school. Everything else gets saved. This plan also helps me now because I'm back at work again and since it's Peak Season there, I'm doing mandatory overtime. Mandatory overtime equals bigger paychecks, which equals more money to save and more time to rest because I'm not hanging out at stores all the time.
I may start working on a journal that tracks my spending, but I'm pretty confident that I can hold through without recording it because I'm sticking to the basics.
Have you ever done a spending freeze? Did it work for you?
November 22, 2014
Catch Up
I've been on sabbatical from work for a little over a week now, and I think it's been going well. I'm finally starting to get comfortable with being at home instead of going to work. It was quite a challenge with me and my mom earlier this week but I'm finally getting that I should be relaxing while I'm out.
My room is looking a lot better than it did. My bookshelf broke when I was adding my collection of cookbooks, so I finally bought a shelving unit that is so much better. I also bought a lot of plastic containers that is holding things that I'm not using at all. My room is starting to look like an actual room, which is saying a lot. I framed my pictures and put them on my wall, and it looks so lovely now because I have almost three gallery walls complete. I plan on buying another shelving unit for my newly acquired beauty products and my DVDs and video games.
NaNoWriMo has been a bust. I am still at about 10% of the original goal and I don't think that I'm going to spend the next 8 days trying to catch up. I'll just finish up my project later and then go from there. I did finish going over Collide and added some extra stuff while also taking out other things. I also recreated my original playlist and changed that up as well. I decided to work on Collide because it's finished, I have to get it ready for its critique, and I really love playing in that world. My Collide world is the world I played in for the past eight years. I adore it.
The biggest thing happening to me since leaving work is that I've been battling a bad cold for almost a week now. It goes away and then comes back. The only explanation to this cold is that my immune system finally dropped and let some germ in when I decided to take time off of work. Pisses me off. Waking up feeling better is great but as the days progress, I have the sniffles and I blow my nose and nothing changes. I haven't had a cold like this in at least two years or so and while I haven't been brought down by it, my wallet has. My sleep schedule has also suffered dramatically but I'm determined to ride this out.
I also have a Playstation 3 and it has kept me some great company while I'm not feeling well. I try not to invest too much in becoming a gamer again, but it's been hard. Being sick does take me out of commission for a lot of things so I haven't actually played it in a few days. This will improve, though, because I have strategy guides for some of the awesome games I have.
What's been going on with all of you guys?
My room is looking a lot better than it did. My bookshelf broke when I was adding my collection of cookbooks, so I finally bought a shelving unit that is so much better. I also bought a lot of plastic containers that is holding things that I'm not using at all. My room is starting to look like an actual room, which is saying a lot. I framed my pictures and put them on my wall, and it looks so lovely now because I have almost three gallery walls complete. I plan on buying another shelving unit for my newly acquired beauty products and my DVDs and video games.
NaNoWriMo has been a bust. I am still at about 10% of the original goal and I don't think that I'm going to spend the next 8 days trying to catch up. I'll just finish up my project later and then go from there. I did finish going over Collide and added some extra stuff while also taking out other things. I also recreated my original playlist and changed that up as well. I decided to work on Collide because it's finished, I have to get it ready for its critique, and I really love playing in that world. My Collide world is the world I played in for the past eight years. I adore it.
The biggest thing happening to me since leaving work is that I've been battling a bad cold for almost a week now. It goes away and then comes back. The only explanation to this cold is that my immune system finally dropped and let some germ in when I decided to take time off of work. Pisses me off. Waking up feeling better is great but as the days progress, I have the sniffles and I blow my nose and nothing changes. I haven't had a cold like this in at least two years or so and while I haven't been brought down by it, my wallet has. My sleep schedule has also suffered dramatically but I'm determined to ride this out.
I also have a Playstation 3 and it has kept me some great company while I'm not feeling well. I try not to invest too much in becoming a gamer again, but it's been hard. Being sick does take me out of commission for a lot of things so I haven't actually played it in a few days. This will improve, though, because I have strategy guides for some of the awesome games I have.
What's been going on with all of you guys?
November 12, 2014
The Break
I had a plan to stay at work until January and then start to look for something else, maybe move to another department or just start all over again with another job. The whole "tone down the resilience" incident left a bad taste in my mouth and not only shook my confidence in myself but also shook my confidence in what I'm doing. Dealing with clients and travel agents is stressful to begin with but there had also been some internal changes at the office that I think has affected me.
My colleagues and I don't have sales quotas but now, there's a huge board at the front of the office that lists the week's top sales from client directs and travel agents as well as a huge notepad that encourages us to list our sales above $6000. My old lead, who I had finally grown to like, had to trade me and my other teammates to other leads within the office, which lead to me having the said lead that who thinks my resilience is a detriment. On top of that, I work in travel and have no time to actually, you know, travel, as well as the fact that my training colleagues seem to be doing new and amazing things and I feel...stuck.
I'd be lying if I said that I returned to work with the confidence that I could be the person I was before I got that phone call. I tried. I really did. But, it has not been the same since. I already had issues with getting calls about clients/travelers who either had a death in the family or had died before Tym. I'm like Izzie Stevens that way. After Tym, it hits too close to home and although I don't deal with those kinds of calls anymore (it's not guaranteed that I won't get another call like that again), I just can't muster up the urgency that some of these people have when they're vacationing to places like Aruba and the Bahamas. I still believe in the Dream Vacation. I believe in it wholeheartedly. I just think that the Dream Vacation should not cause that much stress for anyone.
As much as I enjoy what I do, I can't say that it's never boring anymore. I can't say that there is always something new anymore. I can't pretend that I am completely fine and I can continue on with my job without going into some kind of meltdown. I had to find a compromise and I found it.
I'm on break from work again. My intent is to stay away from work for a couple of weeks but I don't really know if my intent is going to go to plan. I have a lot going on. I managed to get through the mysterious rash and the uncontrollable crying and maybe even the aimlessness, but dealing with actual, physical grief while having an anxiety disorder that my job still does not know about is pretty hellish. Also, it's only been less than four months since Tym was killed and normal is a far away dream. I couldn't have time off of work for more than maybe two weeks back in the Summer because I didn't have the seniority at the time, but now I do and I think I need to utilize some of it to just recover.
I go back to seeing my psychiatrist again tomorrow. Because of my work schedule and being exhausted/busy during my days off, I hadn't seen him in maybe a month or so. I had made progress to the point where I only see him every two weeks, but I may have to go back to seeing him every week. I don't know. I won't know until I see him in the morning.
There is a plus side to all of this. I started really making a concerted effort to work on my return to school. This morning alone, I spent an astronomical amount to get my transcripts from one college, which I then sent a transcript request for. I also purchased my GED transcripts (I wonder who actually knows that I was a high school dropout) and am planning to get my transcripts from the two year college (the one I was at for four years) tomorrow or Friday. I also plan on paying another astronomical amount of money to the last school I went to. I also paid off an ambulance bill. It was random but I did it.
I don't think that this decision to take a break from work was easy. It felt like it was, but it's really not. It's my livelihood and it was my escape, a home away from home away from Barnes and Noble. Today was my day off and I already have gone back and forth about whether I should just skip the break or not. I hope to find some balance, though. I hope that when I return to work, I will be strong enough to stick it out and maybe feel like I did when I first started.
My colleagues and I don't have sales quotas but now, there's a huge board at the front of the office that lists the week's top sales from client directs and travel agents as well as a huge notepad that encourages us to list our sales above $6000. My old lead, who I had finally grown to like, had to trade me and my other teammates to other leads within the office, which lead to me having the said lead that who thinks my resilience is a detriment. On top of that, I work in travel and have no time to actually, you know, travel, as well as the fact that my training colleagues seem to be doing new and amazing things and I feel...stuck.
I'd be lying if I said that I returned to work with the confidence that I could be the person I was before I got that phone call. I tried. I really did. But, it has not been the same since. I already had issues with getting calls about clients/travelers who either had a death in the family or had died before Tym. I'm like Izzie Stevens that way. After Tym, it hits too close to home and although I don't deal with those kinds of calls anymore (it's not guaranteed that I won't get another call like that again), I just can't muster up the urgency that some of these people have when they're vacationing to places like Aruba and the Bahamas. I still believe in the Dream Vacation. I believe in it wholeheartedly. I just think that the Dream Vacation should not cause that much stress for anyone.
As much as I enjoy what I do, I can't say that it's never boring anymore. I can't say that there is always something new anymore. I can't pretend that I am completely fine and I can continue on with my job without going into some kind of meltdown. I had to find a compromise and I found it.
I'm on break from work again. My intent is to stay away from work for a couple of weeks but I don't really know if my intent is going to go to plan. I have a lot going on. I managed to get through the mysterious rash and the uncontrollable crying and maybe even the aimlessness, but dealing with actual, physical grief while having an anxiety disorder that my job still does not know about is pretty hellish. Also, it's only been less than four months since Tym was killed and normal is a far away dream. I couldn't have time off of work for more than maybe two weeks back in the Summer because I didn't have the seniority at the time, but now I do and I think I need to utilize some of it to just recover.
I go back to seeing my psychiatrist again tomorrow. Because of my work schedule and being exhausted/busy during my days off, I hadn't seen him in maybe a month or so. I had made progress to the point where I only see him every two weeks, but I may have to go back to seeing him every week. I don't know. I won't know until I see him in the morning.
There is a plus side to all of this. I started really making a concerted effort to work on my return to school. This morning alone, I spent an astronomical amount to get my transcripts from one college, which I then sent a transcript request for. I also purchased my GED transcripts (I wonder who actually knows that I was a high school dropout) and am planning to get my transcripts from the two year college (the one I was at for four years) tomorrow or Friday. I also plan on paying another astronomical amount of money to the last school I went to. I also paid off an ambulance bill. It was random but I did it.
I don't think that this decision to take a break from work was easy. It felt like it was, but it's really not. It's my livelihood and it was my escape, a home away from home away from Barnes and Noble. Today was my day off and I already have gone back and forth about whether I should just skip the break or not. I hope to find some balance, though. I hope that when I return to work, I will be strong enough to stick it out and maybe feel like I did when I first started.
August 6, 2014
July Events and August Goals
A lot more happened in July than Tym's departure, I promise.
July was a hard month in general. I dealt with health issues like the (redacted) from hell and the headache from hell as well as some random insanity like a headache induced crush on someone at work I previously did not like, but I also reached some killer milestones like finally making the top ten in sales at work and just this small event in which I finished my book.
I'm sorry. Let me repeat that. I finished my book.
After almost seven very long years of writing on and off, my book is finally finished. It's done. I don't have to continue writing it anymore.
*cue world's biggest smile*
Finishing my book was not particularly a goal I thought I would finish any time soon because I was constantly directionless but I began to write a page of it (longhand) at work and that turned into eight pages in about three and a half days and once those pages were done, I was finished with it. Then, I typed it and did some corrections and when "the end" appeared on my screen, I felt so happy. I had finally finished my book.
I'm going to do some rewrites on it before I start to workshop it and give it to editors and stuff. A year ago or so, I told my friend Katie that I would definitely employ her once it was finished and I'm going to keep that promise because she's a doll and I adore her (and I keep my promises). For now, though, it's just resting. I've spent a lot of time working it over.
In a nutshell, I'm glad July is over. It was a challenging month and the fact that fall is getting closer makes me so much happier. I do have some goals for August, though, in light of the craziness I've been in the middle of.
Yes, I have goals. Don't faint. Here they are:
Concentrate on my job: There's no shocker here. The last couple of days have been hard, really hard and it's taken a lot for me to stay. It's uncharacteristic of me but at the same time, I'm adjusting to a new, unexpected chapter of my life. I would like to keep my job, so my biggest goal is to be able to tune everything out at work and continue to bring my A game.
Work on self care: Again, Tym's departure has rocked me and I don't know if I'm taking care of myself as I probably should. I'm struggling a lot with grieving, so I think some self care is in order. I have an appointment set up to return to therapy but at home, I am sleeping a lot and generally trying my best to relax. Netflix has been my best friend as of late. I would like to continue that routine and just take care of myself so I don't get sick or anything. I want to keep track of my health and not push myself any more than I already do. Also, I think that the self care also means to be patient with myself and others. No explanation needed on that.
Write: I always intended to write a book series and now that the first book is done, I'm ready to tackle what's next with my characters and their story. Also, I want to write more to my friends via email and snail mail. Being busy has kept me from really doing that last month but I miss doing it and I want to make it a top priority of mine to keep on that. If I have your address, expect a letter (or two) from me this month. Part of writing more also means blogging more as well. My blog has suffered immensely this year and I promise to make up for it.
Eat Better: I miss cooking. Simple as that. My other friend, Germana has been taking pictures of the meals that she's purchased from Blue Apron and it's inspired me so much to try either Blue Apron or Plated.
Laugh: This is part of being patient with myself and others when it comes to grief. I've been making jokes and I'm able to laugh, but I am still acknowledging that Tym has departed. I have to remember that it's okay to be funny and laugh at funny things.
What are your goals for August?
(image by Hannah of Pommel Lane. find the image here.)
July 27, 2014
'Til Death Do Us Part
This morning, I woke up and got ready for work. I no longer trust the bus that normally gets me to the halfway point on my work commute, so I decided to leave early and take a walk. This resulted in me getting into work on time and going through a somewhat slow day. I wasn't planning on leaving early because I had not gone into work last Sunday and Monday. I planned on getting through the day, taking calls and coloring. I was happy because I was just given a letter that told me that I was now the member of a credit union. I was thinking about getting paid and spending my day off with my sister and talking with her over our plans to move in together.
When my first break of the day arrived, around 11:47 am, I went into Not Ready mode so I wouldn't accidentally miss any calls and then, my phone rang. There wasn't any phone number so I thought it was my leasing company, but it was the Milwaukee Police Department. They said they needed to speak to me but wanted to see me in person. I thought I was in trouble and that I was getting arrested. When they told me that wasn't happening, I then asked if one of my loved ones had been arrested. Once we cleared that nobody had been or was going to be arrested, I asked the next question that someone like me would ask: Who Died?
They didn't tell me who it was at first, and that made the call so much harder. I thought it was one of my siblings and I couldn't keep waiting for them to beat around the bush. Then, they finally told me that it was Tym, the man I had separated from. When I confirmed that my husband's name was Tym, they told me that he had died that morning and then proceeded to give me a phone number in order for me to contact who I would later find out was the medical examiner.
After the call, I fell into the grass in front of my job (even though there were road workers out there) and sobbed. I then called my mother first but couldn't reach her, so I told my sister. After that call, I pulled myself together enough to tell the on-duty supervisor of the day that I needed to leave because my husband had died. He gave me a phone number for me to call if I needed more than three days bereavement leave. When I went back outside, I called the medical examiner and she told me how he had died and that he had been wearing his helmet, as well as that she had spoken to my in-laws and that I had to speak with my in-laws to determine whether or not we would decide to donate whatever we could as well as whether he was going to be buried or not. I spoke with my father in law after that phone call, and it was very civil. We've decided that he would be cremated and I needed to go down to Ripon to see him. After that, my sister came to get me and brought me home.
Telling my mother was the hardest thing. She and Tym had some very rough patches in their relationship, but she still cared for him and considered him a somewhat good decision in someone to marry. When we first split up, she encouraged that he and I should stay close to one another from time to time. I imagine that my mother now feels like my grandmother felt when she was told that my father died eight years ago.
I told her that I thought that this was all stupid and it didn't make any sense and that I didn't know how to feel or to think because I'm angry that he'd gotten another motorcycle and died not even a good week after getting it. I'm angry at him for so many things and yet I miss him. Then, I feel like I shouldn't miss him at all because we were going to get a divorce, but I was still his person. I was still his person and now, I'm person-less.
I just got off of the phone with the people who call about organ, tissue, etc. donation. I told them to take as much as they could but to make him look whole for the viewing. My mom and sister wanted me to take my anxiety meds and sleep but I can't. I feel bad about tweeting about his death and telling people on Facebook but my mom says that I can feel like I want and do what I want because I'm grieving but is this the proper grieving protocol? I have no idea. The person I gave my life to in front of God and the Honorable Allen Murray in Chicago is now dead and I have things I need to do, things to reconcile, etc.
When my first break of the day arrived, around 11:47 am, I went into Not Ready mode so I wouldn't accidentally miss any calls and then, my phone rang. There wasn't any phone number so I thought it was my leasing company, but it was the Milwaukee Police Department. They said they needed to speak to me but wanted to see me in person. I thought I was in trouble and that I was getting arrested. When they told me that wasn't happening, I then asked if one of my loved ones had been arrested. Once we cleared that nobody had been or was going to be arrested, I asked the next question that someone like me would ask: Who Died?
They didn't tell me who it was at first, and that made the call so much harder. I thought it was one of my siblings and I couldn't keep waiting for them to beat around the bush. Then, they finally told me that it was Tym, the man I had separated from. When I confirmed that my husband's name was Tym, they told me that he had died that morning and then proceeded to give me a phone number in order for me to contact who I would later find out was the medical examiner.
After the call, I fell into the grass in front of my job (even though there were road workers out there) and sobbed. I then called my mother first but couldn't reach her, so I told my sister. After that call, I pulled myself together enough to tell the on-duty supervisor of the day that I needed to leave because my husband had died. He gave me a phone number for me to call if I needed more than three days bereavement leave. When I went back outside, I called the medical examiner and she told me how he had died and that he had been wearing his helmet, as well as that she had spoken to my in-laws and that I had to speak with my in-laws to determine whether or not we would decide to donate whatever we could as well as whether he was going to be buried or not. I spoke with my father in law after that phone call, and it was very civil. We've decided that he would be cremated and I needed to go down to Ripon to see him. After that, my sister came to get me and brought me home.
Telling my mother was the hardest thing. She and Tym had some very rough patches in their relationship, but she still cared for him and considered him a somewhat good decision in someone to marry. When we first split up, she encouraged that he and I should stay close to one another from time to time. I imagine that my mother now feels like my grandmother felt when she was told that my father died eight years ago.
I told her that I thought that this was all stupid and it didn't make any sense and that I didn't know how to feel or to think because I'm angry that he'd gotten another motorcycle and died not even a good week after getting it. I'm angry at him for so many things and yet I miss him. Then, I feel like I shouldn't miss him at all because we were going to get a divorce, but I was still his person. I was still his person and now, I'm person-less.
I just got off of the phone with the people who call about organ, tissue, etc. donation. I told them to take as much as they could but to make him look whole for the viewing. My mom and sister wanted me to take my anxiety meds and sleep but I can't. I feel bad about tweeting about his death and telling people on Facebook but my mom says that I can feel like I want and do what I want because I'm grieving but is this the proper grieving protocol? I have no idea. The person I gave my life to in front of God and the Honorable Allen Murray in Chicago is now dead and I have things I need to do, things to reconcile, etc.
June 2, 2014
Because Things Just Change
Once upon a time, I was able to be a wife, work full time and be a full time student.
Somewhere in life, that has changed dramatically.
I've been struggling with school and keeping appointments. Basically, I've been struggling to keep up with anything outside of work. That's okay, though.
See, this is how I think of it: almost seven years ago, I decided to do the virtual impossible and try to catch up to my peers. I spent less than a year doing that and it burned me out terribly. I think that I spent more time trying to recover from those actions and those choices than I spent actually making the choices and doing the actions. I'm not that 22 year old girl anymore and I'm not going to try to do the same things that she did.
I decided to drop school for a bit. I've had a good run these past five months trying to make it work and I can't. I am much more engrossed in my job than I am in class and I would rather not see my grades continue to suffer in an effort to prove myself wrong. I refuse to do that.
Work is going well so I am going to stick with that. I'll reach my seven month anniversary in less than two days now and I've never been so happy. In order to keep living a content life, I've realized that some things just change. I'm okay with that.
Somewhere in life, that has changed dramatically.
I've been struggling with school and keeping appointments. Basically, I've been struggling to keep up with anything outside of work. That's okay, though.
See, this is how I think of it: almost seven years ago, I decided to do the virtual impossible and try to catch up to my peers. I spent less than a year doing that and it burned me out terribly. I think that I spent more time trying to recover from those actions and those choices than I spent actually making the choices and doing the actions. I'm not that 22 year old girl anymore and I'm not going to try to do the same things that she did.
I decided to drop school for a bit. I've had a good run these past five months trying to make it work and I can't. I am much more engrossed in my job than I am in class and I would rather not see my grades continue to suffer in an effort to prove myself wrong. I refuse to do that.
Work is going well so I am going to stick with that. I'll reach my seven month anniversary in less than two days now and I've never been so happy. In order to keep living a content life, I've realized that some things just change. I'm okay with that.
May 21, 2014
Right Now
Remember when I said that I would take personal responsibility and take my power back? That is going really well.
I am now in almost total control of my schedule and I love it. I wanted it to be a trial run but yesterday was really awesome so I have asked to keep it as is until I can't do it anymore. I work every day of the week but Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are my short days. I don't work more than six hours on those days and I work overtime on Fridays. I work full shifts on Tuesdays, Thursdays and on the weekend, but I also get paid a dollar more on the weekends. This is absolutely perfect because I am able to do my school work and feel fully rested. I also have something to do every day and I'm getting paid to do it. I am really in love with this right now.
I want to go to Fort Lauderdale. I've been going back and forth about where I should go for some time away and I wanted to go somewhere I'd never been for some me time and while researching hotels at work, I saw that Fort Lauderdale would be the best place for me to look out at the ocean, sit by the pool and just do whatever I wanted. I still want to go somewhere with my sister, but I also needed a place where I could just go by myself and maybe write, maybe lounge at the pool, maybe eat myself fat. I also decided that I wanted to go somewhere in the United States because I decided to spend some time in Cancun next year to honor the 10th anniversary of an event. So, I want to go to Fort Lauderdale. I will be going to Fort Lauderdale.
Also, Hilton Head Island is calling me.
Clearly, the travel bug has bitten me and I love it.
I guess that's how I've been feeling lately. I am in love with my life right now, especially since I've taken more control and I want to do things right. I've been doing things right so far but I also feel like I've been half-assing my way through a few things and I don't want to do that. So, I'm not going to anymore. If I want to go to work every day this week and next week (although I have Memorial Day off), I'm going to do it and I'm not going to complain about it. I'm going to do my job and enjoy every hour I'm still there.
I'm ready for more of this feeling.
I am now in almost total control of my schedule and I love it. I wanted it to be a trial run but yesterday was really awesome so I have asked to keep it as is until I can't do it anymore. I work every day of the week but Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are my short days. I don't work more than six hours on those days and I work overtime on Fridays. I work full shifts on Tuesdays, Thursdays and on the weekend, but I also get paid a dollar more on the weekends. This is absolutely perfect because I am able to do my school work and feel fully rested. I also have something to do every day and I'm getting paid to do it. I am really in love with this right now.
I want to go to Fort Lauderdale. I've been going back and forth about where I should go for some time away and I wanted to go somewhere I'd never been for some me time and while researching hotels at work, I saw that Fort Lauderdale would be the best place for me to look out at the ocean, sit by the pool and just do whatever I wanted. I still want to go somewhere with my sister, but I also needed a place where I could just go by myself and maybe write, maybe lounge at the pool, maybe eat myself fat. I also decided that I wanted to go somewhere in the United States because I decided to spend some time in Cancun next year to honor the 10th anniversary of an event. So, I want to go to Fort Lauderdale. I will be going to Fort Lauderdale.
Also, Hilton Head Island is calling me.
Clearly, the travel bug has bitten me and I love it.
I guess that's how I've been feeling lately. I am in love with my life right now, especially since I've taken more control and I want to do things right. I've been doing things right so far but I also feel like I've been half-assing my way through a few things and I don't want to do that. So, I'm not going to anymore. If I want to go to work every day this week and next week (although I have Memorial Day off), I'm going to do it and I'm not going to complain about it. I'm going to do my job and enjoy every hour I'm still there.
I'm ready for more of this feeling.
May 14, 2014
A Pledge to Myself
I'm going to drop an honesty bomb right now: working makes it hard to concentrate on anything else going on in my life. There are some weeks that pass in a blur and I'm really too tired to concentrate on anything else. I can't do half of the things I thought I would be able to do because I'm so tired sometimes. There are a million things I want to do but I'm normally worn out.
On top of this, I lost my work friend. She was the first person I introduced myself to on my first day and she was also new. She was the one I went to Baskin-Robbins with on Monday nights. She was the only one I could confide in about my failed marriage, my life and my writing. Her leaving was very abrupt and on Monday, I cried when my trainer cleaned her desk out. She sat right behind me so it was hard to ignore it. I'm heartbroken and miss her every day.
It's safe to say that the honeymoon period is over at work but I am always grateful for what I do and I know the best that I can do is work my ass off. However, I can't pretend that I'm not doing everything in my power to prioritize the important things in my life. When I can't do something or don't do something, I always blame the situation or someone else when I don't think I've tried as hard as I possibly could. It's all about responsibility and I don't take a lot of it, which also means that I give my power away and that never goes well.
Here's what I've been telling myself during the past few weeks: I have this new future and there are so many things I want to do because I owe it to myself to do the best I can and live fully as much as I can. There are some things that I wrote off (*clears throat* getting married again, eating real seafood and traveling) and now, I want to jump into them with both feet. I want to learn how to cook food on a charcoal grill. More so, I owe it to myself to be responsible for everything I do, say, think and choose. I want to stay in school and I want to do well at work. It's hideously difficult to really prioritize both of them but I don't want to give up until I absolutely have to. I owe it to myself to keep going, though.
On top of this, I lost my work friend. She was the first person I introduced myself to on my first day and she was also new. She was the one I went to Baskin-Robbins with on Monday nights. She was the only one I could confide in about my failed marriage, my life and my writing. Her leaving was very abrupt and on Monday, I cried when my trainer cleaned her desk out. She sat right behind me so it was hard to ignore it. I'm heartbroken and miss her every day.
It's safe to say that the honeymoon period is over at work but I am always grateful for what I do and I know the best that I can do is work my ass off. However, I can't pretend that I'm not doing everything in my power to prioritize the important things in my life. When I can't do something or don't do something, I always blame the situation or someone else when I don't think I've tried as hard as I possibly could. It's all about responsibility and I don't take a lot of it, which also means that I give my power away and that never goes well.
Here's what I've been telling myself during the past few weeks: I have this new future and there are so many things I want to do because I owe it to myself to do the best I can and live fully as much as I can. There are some things that I wrote off (*clears throat* getting married again, eating real seafood and traveling) and now, I want to jump into them with both feet. I want to learn how to cook food on a charcoal grill. More so, I owe it to myself to be responsible for everything I do, say, think and choose. I want to stay in school and I want to do well at work. It's hideously difficult to really prioritize both of them but I don't want to give up until I absolutely have to. I owe it to myself to keep going, though.
March 7, 2014
To the Faithful (and) Departed
I finished my first class with a B-. Even though I thought the class was redundant, I still powered through on the last night of it and managed to pass with a B-. It's not my best grade by a long shot, but I still feel very proud of it because working full time poses challenges academically that I haven't had in years.
Speaking of work, peak season still rages on and will continue to do so for a few more weeks. However, it's slowly taking us down and bringing us to our breaking points. My four month work anniversary was on Tuesday, and I can still see how far I've come from when I first started. I've learned some great things and I continue to learn and love my job, but I had a crying spell on Tuesday because I was so exhausted. One of my work brothers went to the hospital temporarily for pneumonia because working weeks at 12 hours a day weakened him. People have started quitting and one of my work sisters may be one of them. All of us in the office are being tested to see how much we can take and I know I can take it to the end but when the dust clears, those still left will be a little more battle-worn. I forgot how challenging being in the real world could be and the challenges make me stronger, but I think it also adds more chips to my heart that will harden me that much more.
Speaking of the real world, my sister and my ex-husband are also in a similar boat. My sister's stress has taken her to places that she never went before, places I have been. It's strange seeing her go through something I went through almost five years ago and I go into denial because I can't imagine it happening to her, but it has and I'm being as supportive as can be right now. That support goes a long way. As for my ex-husband, he will never be able to run or play basketball again. He's been having back problems for a long time but last year, he had surgery for extreme pain that was going into his leg. That surgery either didn't work or made it worse and he's going to have another surgery this year to take the pain away. He will never have full strength in his left leg again. I know that everything will be okay but it's still painful to be an observer of their struggles.
Despite the struggling and the stress, I was dancing on my way home last night. I was happy. I had gotten rest on my day off. I'd had a good day. I have given up expensive lunches for Lent so the sandwich I had from Subway kept me pretty full and energized. I have new eyeglasses and my relationship with my family is at its best. I still feel so blessed. It's a constant feeling I have now. It can be easy to feel this way and forget about everyone else's struggles and pain. It can be easy to feel so self-absorbed and I have been in that place before, living my life and not too concerned about anyone else while they're not doing so well. It's different now, though. I feel connected to myself and my loved ones and it feels right to live my life and still look out of them. This is still my time of learning but when it's done, I will miss those who have fallen.
Speaking of work, peak season still rages on and will continue to do so for a few more weeks. However, it's slowly taking us down and bringing us to our breaking points. My four month work anniversary was on Tuesday, and I can still see how far I've come from when I first started. I've learned some great things and I continue to learn and love my job, but I had a crying spell on Tuesday because I was so exhausted. One of my work brothers went to the hospital temporarily for pneumonia because working weeks at 12 hours a day weakened him. People have started quitting and one of my work sisters may be one of them. All of us in the office are being tested to see how much we can take and I know I can take it to the end but when the dust clears, those still left will be a little more battle-worn. I forgot how challenging being in the real world could be and the challenges make me stronger, but I think it also adds more chips to my heart that will harden me that much more.
Speaking of the real world, my sister and my ex-husband are also in a similar boat. My sister's stress has taken her to places that she never went before, places I have been. It's strange seeing her go through something I went through almost five years ago and I go into denial because I can't imagine it happening to her, but it has and I'm being as supportive as can be right now. That support goes a long way. As for my ex-husband, he will never be able to run or play basketball again. He's been having back problems for a long time but last year, he had surgery for extreme pain that was going into his leg. That surgery either didn't work or made it worse and he's going to have another surgery this year to take the pain away. He will never have full strength in his left leg again. I know that everything will be okay but it's still painful to be an observer of their struggles.
Despite the struggling and the stress, I was dancing on my way home last night. I was happy. I had gotten rest on my day off. I'd had a good day. I have given up expensive lunches for Lent so the sandwich I had from Subway kept me pretty full and energized. I have new eyeglasses and my relationship with my family is at its best. I still feel so blessed. It's a constant feeling I have now. It can be easy to feel this way and forget about everyone else's struggles and pain. It can be easy to feel so self-absorbed and I have been in that place before, living my life and not too concerned about anyone else while they're not doing so well. It's different now, though. I feel connected to myself and my loved ones and it feels right to live my life and still look out of them. This is still my time of learning but when it's done, I will miss those who have fallen.
February 17, 2014
What the Hell?!
I was not informed that I had not blogged in two weeks. Not informed at all. I thought it had been a week, tops, maybe five or six days.
I really suck, don't I?
Anyway, I've been doing well and making progress, the big kind of progress. I've been working overtime (literally) and doing homework. I'm doing almost four times as much as I was doing last year and despite all the tiredness, I'm still happy. Here's a little update on how I'm doing.
Work
I am still in the midst of peak season at work and will be until the end of March. This week, I am planning to work every day (including Saturday and Sunday). This may change but I am scheduled to do it. Here's some really awesome news, though. In December, I had brought in over $60,000 in revenue from reservations I've made. In January, I brought in $125,685.
I am serious.
I'm still in shock that pulling in that kind of revenue is a little above the norm at work. Granted, I was #11 on the list and I'd only been there for two months, but it's not hard to make that much because most people are calling in to make reservations for trips anyway. Plus, my colleagues are super nice and I feel like I am really in a supportive environment.
Here's a random work thought. A year or so ago, I told my mother that I could see myself in a hotel room, on the phone and alone. I thought that I was supposed to do something that would lead me to travel internationally and now, I technically have that kind of something with my job. What if it wasn't a thought but a glimpse of my future?
School
Next week, I start my new class. It's hard to believe that I've actually been sticking with school, isn't it? To me, it is. Five weeks has passed in a blur, but I'm still hanging in there. I want to finish my class somewhat successfully, even if I hate it.
Which I do because I felt redundant for someone who's been in college for almost five years anyway.
Maybe "hate" is too strong a word. I just feel like the class was unnecessary.
Anyway, my next class is a literature class, and maybe I'm too excited about that one but I think it's going to be marginally better than the student success class I'm currently in.
Money
I have a full blown Barnes and Noble addiction. It's actually been compounded on to my existing Amazon addiction. Barnes and Noble is my hideaway, my home away from home away from home. I go there whenever I have money and I've actually left the stores nine out of ten times with something in my hand, be it a soda or a collection of magazines and/or journals. I keep trying to keep from getting a membership because "I don't shop there enough to justify it" but I really do need the membership because I can't stay away.
I filed my federal taxes at the end of January and got my refund last week, which was promptly spent. It was then that I realize that things had to change. I really want to save money, especially now that I am gainfully employed in something that is not work study or freelance. I know that there's many ways to save money but I bought Financially Fearless by Alexa Von Tobel, the CEO of LearnVest. She has a really great 50/20/30 method where 50% of your paycheck goes to bills and living expenses, 20% goes to savings and investments and 30% goes towards things like shopping and/or traveling. It's very easy to do and through trial and shopping errors, I'm really trying to save and I've had at least $10 in both of my savings accounts for some time now.
Organization
This is probably the weakest part of my life right now. My room looks like a few tornadoes have gone through there. At least my web activity has seen more of my attention. I've finally established email accounts for each facet of my life. I have one for my general stuff, one for strictly bills and one for shopping. I believe that this method is also featured in Financially Fearless. It's been going well so far. It's nice to see everything in its right place (Radiohead song title cheer!) and feel a little more organized. Now if I can just figure out which of the five 2014 planners I've bought is the one I want to use continuously.
Life
So, here's the deal. Later this year, I think I'm going to start the process of adopting a child. I'm old enough to do it and I have a way to support a child. I just want to make sure that I have this job longer than six months before I get things rolling. There are so many children in the world that need someone to love them unconditionally and take care of them, and I feel like I'm mature enough to be a mother.
In the meantime, I've been doing a lot of writing related things. I've gotten some books on self-editing and writing in general. I've been writing letters again to my friends because I'm convinced that I am the queen of sucky friends. I bought some cards lately and it felt good to actually let some of my closest friends in on what I've been up to. There's one friend whose name starts with Miranda that I miss writing to. She had a rough go at the end of last year, but I want her to know that all is well, that I miss her and that I hope she's been having the best pie-filled days.
I've also been attempting warm baths with Epsom salt. It's only been twice, but I'm getting better at it. My tub is too small to really get comfortable, though.
I thought about traveling (outside of work) this year, but I decided to spend that money on making my new/current home look good. This also goes hand in hand with saving money. There is more things that I need than what I want, so I'm going for it.
How has life been for you lately?
I really suck, don't I?
Anyway, I've been doing well and making progress, the big kind of progress. I've been working overtime (literally) and doing homework. I'm doing almost four times as much as I was doing last year and despite all the tiredness, I'm still happy. Here's a little update on how I'm doing.
Work
I am still in the midst of peak season at work and will be until the end of March. This week, I am planning to work every day (including Saturday and Sunday). This may change but I am scheduled to do it. Here's some really awesome news, though. In December, I had brought in over $60,000 in revenue from reservations I've made. In January, I brought in $125,685.
I am serious.
I'm still in shock that pulling in that kind of revenue is a little above the norm at work. Granted, I was #11 on the list and I'd only been there for two months, but it's not hard to make that much because most people are calling in to make reservations for trips anyway. Plus, my colleagues are super nice and I feel like I am really in a supportive environment.
Here's a random work thought. A year or so ago, I told my mother that I could see myself in a hotel room, on the phone and alone. I thought that I was supposed to do something that would lead me to travel internationally and now, I technically have that kind of something with my job. What if it wasn't a thought but a glimpse of my future?
School
Next week, I start my new class. It's hard to believe that I've actually been sticking with school, isn't it? To me, it is. Five weeks has passed in a blur, but I'm still hanging in there. I want to finish my class somewhat successfully, even if I hate it.
Which I do because I felt redundant for someone who's been in college for almost five years anyway.
Maybe "hate" is too strong a word. I just feel like the class was unnecessary.
Anyway, my next class is a literature class, and maybe I'm too excited about that one but I think it's going to be marginally better than the student success class I'm currently in.
Money
I have a full blown Barnes and Noble addiction. It's actually been compounded on to my existing Amazon addiction. Barnes and Noble is my hideaway, my home away from home away from home. I go there whenever I have money and I've actually left the stores nine out of ten times with something in my hand, be it a soda or a collection of magazines and/or journals. I keep trying to keep from getting a membership because "I don't shop there enough to justify it" but I really do need the membership because I can't stay away.
I filed my federal taxes at the end of January and got my refund last week, which was promptly spent. It was then that I realize that things had to change. I really want to save money, especially now that I am gainfully employed in something that is not work study or freelance. I know that there's many ways to save money but I bought Financially Fearless by Alexa Von Tobel, the CEO of LearnVest. She has a really great 50/20/30 method where 50% of your paycheck goes to bills and living expenses, 20% goes to savings and investments and 30% goes towards things like shopping and/or traveling. It's very easy to do and through trial and shopping errors, I'm really trying to save and I've had at least $10 in both of my savings accounts for some time now.
Organization
This is probably the weakest part of my life right now. My room looks like a few tornadoes have gone through there. At least my web activity has seen more of my attention. I've finally established email accounts for each facet of my life. I have one for my general stuff, one for strictly bills and one for shopping. I believe that this method is also featured in Financially Fearless. It's been going well so far. It's nice to see everything in its right place (Radiohead song title cheer!) and feel a little more organized. Now if I can just figure out which of the five 2014 planners I've bought is the one I want to use continuously.
Life
So, here's the deal. Later this year, I think I'm going to start the process of adopting a child. I'm old enough to do it and I have a way to support a child. I just want to make sure that I have this job longer than six months before I get things rolling. There are so many children in the world that need someone to love them unconditionally and take care of them, and I feel like I'm mature enough to be a mother.
In the meantime, I've been doing a lot of writing related things. I've gotten some books on self-editing and writing in general. I've been writing letters again to my friends because I'm convinced that I am the queen of sucky friends. I bought some cards lately and it felt good to actually let some of my closest friends in on what I've been up to. There's one friend whose name starts with Miranda that I miss writing to. She had a rough go at the end of last year, but I want her to know that all is well, that I miss her and that I hope she's been having the best pie-filled days.
I've also been attempting warm baths with Epsom salt. It's only been twice, but I'm getting better at it. My tub is too small to really get comfortable, though.
I thought about traveling (outside of work) this year, but I decided to spend that money on making my new/current home look good. This also goes hand in hand with saving money. There is more things that I need than what I want, so I'm going for it.
How has life been for you lately?
December 20, 2013
life maintenance: the 2014 plan
![IMG_0252[1]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_ut_zwvios_MryhV-fh-yJOGoHEdvt2yxPyTlQ9CFk0VHvIsEq_JHRzcPKH3R7SGby4L8u0QYDP7znShJBXvaeQPTGowdSUnsvAPIyPu8J774GWByzA14_ZQZHajMIJeXl0vws_JmOImh13Jh44N_4BKro=s0-d)
As of January 2nd, I will be returning to my therapist.
Things have been going very well for me since I started working again, but that is the exact reason why I know I need to go back to seeing my therapist. It is all too easy to throw something like this to the wayside because I feel like things are good. The overwhelm, frustration and all of those negative thoughts and feelings are just waiting to attack, though. I've already had a couple of days where I struggled and took it very hard. On top of that, taking medication is good and fine, but it doesn't help me if I'm taking the medication but nothing has changed. I had gotten to a point with my doctor where I told him that I wanted to get off of everything I'm taking for my anxiety/panic attacks, and there hasn't been a plan put into place for that to happen.
To reiterate, my life is at an all time high but I feel like I need to reinforce methods and behaviors that will combat any slip-ups or downfalls. I call this "life maintenance."
This year, I didn't do enough for my health and when I did, it still wasn't optimal. I didn't visit my dentist nearly enough. I missed quite a few appointments with my former therapist and my current one. My diet wasn't the best because I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. I also didn't rest enough. Part of my life maintenance will be to reach a level of healthiness that I feel is acceptable. That means cutting back on junk, eating more full meals, reducing my medicine intake and being as active as possible, as well as making medical appointments and going to them. One of my job's core values is wellness and I most definitely want that to be my top core value as well.
(There's a fantasy that I have where I can wear a swimsuit like Amy Adams' swimsuit in American Hustle so that is also why wellness is a big thing.)
Another aspect of my life that I'm doing maintenance on is my finances and time priorities. Now that I have stable employment, I know what I'm getting paid and when. I was overwhelmed with the holiday season but I have a savings plan that begins in mid-January already in place. I have an established amount that I want to get to and I plan on hanging on to that set amount for as long as humanly possible. I also have a list of things I need and I hope to get each thing in a sequence throughout 2014. Bills are top priority and they will get paid with every check, if there is anything due. I do fairly well with not spending a lot on things that I don't need, but I want to do better.
I receive about three hours of time off every two weeks that rolls over to each year, but my job's peak season is January-March. I don't plan on taking much time off outside of the two days I have scheduled off already, so I can save my PTO for a vacation or if I'm not feeling well. I also have two floating holidays that I have to use in 2014, so that gives me some time to really decide what I want to do with them. I have Wednesdays and Fridays scheduled off, so I want to use those days to get things done. I also want to use that time to spend time with my family and myself so I can go back into work fully rested and ready to do my job.
In terms of my faith and where it fits into my life maintenance, I feel like it's the only thing that really matters. I have nothing without my faith, I am nothing without my faith, and that is something that will always need constant maintaining. I want to find a church where I can attend a Wednesday service and I want to continue to make myself available for God to do His work. My faith may not be something I talk about all the time here, but it's the foundation of everything I am and that won't change.
As for goals, I have just one so far: learn to drive. Traveling is a thing that is going to be open to me since it's a part of my job and I still have to figure out living arrangements, but driving is one thing I want to master in 2014. Once I obtain my driver's license, I can decide whether or not I will drive every day. I can decide whether or not I will move to a place further out because at that point, I can buy/lease a car if I want to. To me, the driver's license is the one puzzle piece that determines the rest of the puzzle.
2014 is going to be a year of work, and that is just within myself. It's not going to be easy at all but my motto is going to be try hard and keep trying. That's the most I can do, but believe that I am going to do it and do it as well as I can.
(written on december 20, 2013)
December 8, 2013
into place
On Friday, I officially finished my training at work. That was five weeks of extensive classroom and hands-on training that I will appreciate forever. In the history of all three and a half of my full-time jobs, I only had one to two weeks of real training.
I'm not even kidding.
Now that I am out of training, I can now do and access things that I'd been recommended to wait for until training was over. I have a new schedule where I'll be off on Wednesdays and Fridays while working earlier hours on Saturday and Sunday. I've been scheduled to spend Monday, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home (although I'm still getting paid). I've also signed up to return to school in late January. Soon, I'll be applying for my passport.
Things do not suck at all right now. I'm the happiest I've been in a really long time and my life is full. It's definitely going to take a little more time before things finally fall into a stable routine, but I still can't complain.
Yesterday (Saturday), I spent most of the day sleep in my dark room, under my warm blanket and in my flannel gown. Throughout the day, my mom was watching movies and listening to music, and I basked in the glow of the light that came into my room. Otherwise, I was pretty much in bed. It was the first time in a while where I spent almost the entire day in bed. I'd gone to the store and I'd eaten, but I mostly read and spent time on the computer. I hadn't been able to do much of that during my training schedule. Resting like that was so refreshing for my mind and body and I knew that on Wednesdays, I'll probably doing much of the same.
I have a new Kindle that I named Savannah, and it feels good to read consistently again. I don't have to worry much about my phone's and/or iPod's batteries running out because I'd been reading. I don't have to really worry about the little type on the small screen. I also don't have to worry about magazines taking up space on my phone or iPod now, because Savannah does all of that.
I feel grateful for everything I have right now. I also have a clear mindset to keep doing what I need to do in order to maintain my life. I have a lot of dreams and goals but I feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg, the beginning of something even greater.
written on december 8, 2013
I'm not even kidding.
Now that I am out of training, I can now do and access things that I'd been recommended to wait for until training was over. I have a new schedule where I'll be off on Wednesdays and Fridays while working earlier hours on Saturday and Sunday. I've been scheduled to spend Monday, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home (although I'm still getting paid). I've also signed up to return to school in late January. Soon, I'll be applying for my passport.
Things do not suck at all right now. I'm the happiest I've been in a really long time and my life is full. It's definitely going to take a little more time before things finally fall into a stable routine, but I still can't complain.
Yesterday (Saturday), I spent most of the day sleep in my dark room, under my warm blanket and in my flannel gown. Throughout the day, my mom was watching movies and listening to music, and I basked in the glow of the light that came into my room. Otherwise, I was pretty much in bed. It was the first time in a while where I spent almost the entire day in bed. I'd gone to the store and I'd eaten, but I mostly read and spent time on the computer. I hadn't been able to do much of that during my training schedule. Resting like that was so refreshing for my mind and body and I knew that on Wednesdays, I'll probably doing much of the same.
I have a new Kindle that I named Savannah, and it feels good to read consistently again. I don't have to worry much about my phone's and/or iPod's batteries running out because I'd been reading. I don't have to really worry about the little type on the small screen. I also don't have to worry about magazines taking up space on my phone or iPod now, because Savannah does all of that.
I feel grateful for everything I have right now. I also have a clear mindset to keep doing what I need to do in order to maintain my life. I have a lot of dreams and goals but I feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg, the beginning of something even greater.
written on december 8, 2013
October 27, 2013
work hard, play hard
I'm about less than eight days away from my first day of training at work and today, I finally looked at the benefits paperwork I was given at the interview. I had put it aside with the assumption that I'd get an interview but I may not get the position but now that I do have the position, I started going over things with my mother (which I don't think I've ever done before). I told my mom about the 401k and she recommended that I did it, although I was all ready to jump on it. I let her know about the VIP (vacation, illness and personal) time, the long-term and short-term disability, the wellness program, the floating holidays (which are three days I can use to celebrate a holiday such as Easter) in addition to the regular holidays off. I started thinking about earning all of this.
I made a promise to myself to get through this four-week training without missing any days but I'm also thinking about my time on the floor and how I deserve to give this place 100% of my dedication. This place is the only job (business) in about four years and eleven months that has decided to take a chance on me, just like my boss Linda did after I quit my first work-study position, so I owe it to them and myself and my mother to do the best I can so when I take time off or go on a vacation, it's well deserved. I want to be able to take my birthday off as one of my floating holidays and feel like it's okay to do so because I've maybe pulled in overtime or did so well that I'm not costing anyone time or money because to me (now) and the travel industry, time is money.
I just read this blog post, which was tweeted from a friend of mine, and what really caught my attention is how Nolan described how our parents (and their parents) had photos of themselves at work and the occasional cocktail party because they worked hard and played hard. That struck a nerve with me. Work hard, play hard. In my family, this pretty much means a lot. My brother is almost always out with his friends or traveling somewhere, buying something. However, he works two full-time jobs. Two. He goes to one job and then to the other once his first job ends for the day or he works his second job on weekends when he may have a day or two off during the week. Even if he does have a day off from one job, he's probably working at the other job. My sister has Tuesdays and Sundays off, but she's always doing mandatory overtime (as far as I know). My father didn't really have days off because he drove a semi long distance. My mother is always working at something, be it her religious articles or a customer service job (I feel like Meredith Grey to my mother's Ellis Grey in customer service). I'm already the person in the family with the least amount of jobs. I don't want to be the person in the family who doesn't work hard.
That's not going to be the case, though, because I know my work ethic.
The case is that I am ready to be a good employee and spend a good amount of time at this job. I may take a trip and have fun, but I also know that when I go back to work, I'm going to be at my best. I enjoy playing hard, but I enjoy working hard more.
I made a promise to myself to get through this four-week training without missing any days but I'm also thinking about my time on the floor and how I deserve to give this place 100% of my dedication. This place is the only job (business) in about four years and eleven months that has decided to take a chance on me, just like my boss Linda did after I quit my first work-study position, so I owe it to them and myself and my mother to do the best I can so when I take time off or go on a vacation, it's well deserved. I want to be able to take my birthday off as one of my floating holidays and feel like it's okay to do so because I've maybe pulled in overtime or did so well that I'm not costing anyone time or money because to me (now) and the travel industry, time is money.
I just read this blog post, which was tweeted from a friend of mine, and what really caught my attention is how Nolan described how our parents (and their parents) had photos of themselves at work and the occasional cocktail party because they worked hard and played hard. That struck a nerve with me. Work hard, play hard. In my family, this pretty much means a lot. My brother is almost always out with his friends or traveling somewhere, buying something. However, he works two full-time jobs. Two. He goes to one job and then to the other once his first job ends for the day or he works his second job on weekends when he may have a day or two off during the week. Even if he does have a day off from one job, he's probably working at the other job. My sister has Tuesdays and Sundays off, but she's always doing mandatory overtime (as far as I know). My father didn't really have days off because he drove a semi long distance. My mother is always working at something, be it her religious articles or a customer service job (I feel like Meredith Grey to my mother's Ellis Grey in customer service). I'm already the person in the family with the least amount of jobs. I don't want to be the person in the family who doesn't work hard.
That's not going to be the case, though, because I know my work ethic.
The case is that I am ready to be a good employee and spend a good amount of time at this job. I may take a trip and have fun, but I also know that when I go back to work, I'm going to be at my best. I enjoy playing hard, but I enjoy working hard more.
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The majority of the photos and all of the thoughts on this blog comes from yours truly, so be nice and ask if something interests you. Okay? Okay.