Two Wednesdays ago, I took my first midterm of the year. I also donated blood for the first time about ten to fifteen minutes beforehand. When I got home, I felt like I would die. I didn't, but I slept a lot until I felt fine again. It took about a week before I was completely fine again, but I am still really proud that I donated. Almost 20 years ago, I was hospitalized and given blood transfusions that surely saved my life, besides the birth control pills, so donating blood has always been important to me.
My midterms are officially done and I did well on my Global Studies 101 exam, which means that I actually got a C+. My teacher gave us a 6 point boost, so my official grade is a B. I don't know what the grade on my Peace Studies midterm is, but I feel a little iffy about it. The short answer questions really threw me off (and I didn't really review until right before the test). Now, I'm slowly guiding into that lull of class that most students are in as we enter the final weeks of class. I am still ridiculously glad that I decided to take classes this semester because I feel more and more at home as time passes. I don't know what I'm going to do once this semester is over.
Yesterday, I realized that I have shopping fatigue again. It has become too tedious and exhausting to shop for myself, but I do enjoy shopping for other people. I had shopping fatigue a little over two years ago and the only thing that fixed it was getting job so I was too tired to do anything else but appreciate shopping again. Coming off a year where I spent a lot of money to get past grieving, feeling this fatigue is nice for me and maybe my bank accounts. It's a sign of normalcy that has returned to my life since the insanity of what happened.
Normalcy hasn't been something that I've been consciously striving for. I don't know when I stopped working towards it, but I have and it's been nice. I like thinking about my future and wrapping it around school and my family. It's a bit refreshing to think about what I am going to minor in (which will be history and American Sign Language) and what I'm going to do for Thanksgiving. It's nice to even think about going on trips because one of my favorite vloggers has motivated me to travel. It's nice to be just a 30 year old woman and that's it. I miss Tym all the time, even more so yesterday during a difficult time getting to Target, but I also realized that he took care of me a lot.
While I am fairly independent, I am smart enough to know that I've been coddled and guarded the majority of my life. I enjoy it, but I think I enjoy my independence and diving into the unknown a little more. I've established a new kind of comfort zone and I know not to push myself beyond it too much.
I have a lot more that I want to talk about because the last couple of weeks have been pretty good, but I'll end this post here. I'm doing really well and feeling optimistic. That's the point.
Showing posts with label lately. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lately. Show all posts
October 30, 2015
October 16, 2015
Page 278: An Education
I have been so intellectually stimulated in the past month and a half. I've been to my fair share of colleges (four, I think), so there has been moments when I've been really into what I was studying at the time. However, I have never been this intellectually stimulated when it's come to my education and I am willing to invest everything I have (and will have) to continue getting this "education high."
I've never had a hard time believing that I was a smart person. I heard about my intelligence so much when I was a child, so I don't think I was ever insecure about it, but there has always been a question about whether I was being intellectually challenged and/or stimulated. When I dropped out of high school at 15, my grandmother inadvertently vouched for me when she told my mother that I wasn't being challenged and the boredom was the reason I didn't want to go to school. I don't know if that was ever fully the case, but I do remember not being as engaged as I should have been. I was pretty much waiting to get to college but even then, staying engaged posed a challenge for me because classes were either too easy or not easy enough.
Did I mention that I had really low expectations coming into this semester? I did. I wasn't even sure I was going to be taking classes this semester until the week before classes started, so I didn't have a lot of time to think about the classes I was going to take and how I would feel about them. I just knew that this was going to be the last year I would be able to go to school before my financial aid completely ran out and given that I was still unemployed, I decided to give this year a shot.
I was excited by all of the new student welcoming things and socializing, especially because I'd never been to a big university before and my first days of class at MATC were not as exciting, but I had no idea that I would end up learning so much and contributing to my education as well as the education of my classmates.
My teachers are highly intelligent women (My Global Studies 101 professor is a PhD in Nursing and does study abroad in Kenya, where she also helps people with HIV and AIDS while my Intro to Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies teacher is a Masters' in Sustainable Peacebuilding student who is only a year older than me and was an English and photography major). I get along with a few of my classmates. One of my classes has a huge number of students while the other has a smaller number students, so that balances out. I really can't find much wrong with my classes at all. Even the distance between my classes (one is literally a sky-walk away from the Union while the other one is about a five-minute walk away from the Union) is wonderful.
This week, a public defender came into my Intro to Conflict Resolution class to speak about incarceration rates and how the prison system has, in essence, become the "new Jim Crow" and I was amazed. Here was a lawyer who was my age and doing her best with her education. She was also super intelligent and I was a little in love with her. It was wonderful and may have reignited an interest for me to pursue law further down the line.
It's amazing to me that at the age of 30, fifteen years after I dropped out of high school, I finally know what it feels like to have this kind of mental stimulation in school. When writing became common and repetitive, after I lost my job and no longer had a daily challenge, and now that cooking is somewhat impossible in my kitchen; school came along and I am so ecstatic that it did.
I've never had a hard time believing that I was a smart person. I heard about my intelligence so much when I was a child, so I don't think I was ever insecure about it, but there has always been a question about whether I was being intellectually challenged and/or stimulated. When I dropped out of high school at 15, my grandmother inadvertently vouched for me when she told my mother that I wasn't being challenged and the boredom was the reason I didn't want to go to school. I don't know if that was ever fully the case, but I do remember not being as engaged as I should have been. I was pretty much waiting to get to college but even then, staying engaged posed a challenge for me because classes were either too easy or not easy enough.
Did I mention that I had really low expectations coming into this semester? I did. I wasn't even sure I was going to be taking classes this semester until the week before classes started, so I didn't have a lot of time to think about the classes I was going to take and how I would feel about them. I just knew that this was going to be the last year I would be able to go to school before my financial aid completely ran out and given that I was still unemployed, I decided to give this year a shot.
I was excited by all of the new student welcoming things and socializing, especially because I'd never been to a big university before and my first days of class at MATC were not as exciting, but I had no idea that I would end up learning so much and contributing to my education as well as the education of my classmates.
My teachers are highly intelligent women (My Global Studies 101 professor is a PhD in Nursing and does study abroad in Kenya, where she also helps people with HIV and AIDS while my Intro to Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies teacher is a Masters' in Sustainable Peacebuilding student who is only a year older than me and was an English and photography major). I get along with a few of my classmates. One of my classes has a huge number of students while the other has a smaller number students, so that balances out. I really can't find much wrong with my classes at all. Even the distance between my classes (one is literally a sky-walk away from the Union while the other one is about a five-minute walk away from the Union) is wonderful.
This week, a public defender came into my Intro to Conflict Resolution class to speak about incarceration rates and how the prison system has, in essence, become the "new Jim Crow" and I was amazed. Here was a lawyer who was my age and doing her best with her education. She was also super intelligent and I was a little in love with her. It was wonderful and may have reignited an interest for me to pursue law further down the line.
It's amazing to me that at the age of 30, fifteen years after I dropped out of high school, I finally know what it feels like to have this kind of mental stimulation in school. When writing became common and repetitive, after I lost my job and no longer had a daily challenge, and now that cooking is somewhat impossible in my kitchen; school came along and I am so ecstatic that it did.
October 9, 2015
Page 271: The Art of Reinvesting in Myself
 |
| Me, three years ago |
I went to the dentist and instead of him doing constant extractions, I asked him to repair my teeth. At the time, I thought that they were in such disrepair that they would all need to be removed. However, my dentist gave me fillings and allowed me to smile fully, as you can see in the picture above. I took some work but I paid my dental insurance premiums and did the work of getting to my appointments and letting Dr. Meinhardt work his magic.
After a huge fight with my mom that left us barely talking to one another and made me a wreck during the summer of 2012, I decided to start going to therapy. I did the work of going every week and being able to talk through all of my problems as well as allowing myself to take the proper medication to help my anxiety. I had thought that therapy was not for me after two horrible instances with doctors who either misdiagnosed me with every mental illness in the book or thought that I didn't take therapy seriously. I was able to express myself better without ranting on my blog or bottling it all up.
Despite all the things I still needed to work on like my marriage, money skills and the fact that I had no solid job, I was really proud that I had fixed my teeth and started to go to therapy and that made a huge difference.
A year later, I hit a major hurdle. I went into a self-imposed seclusion. I left school. I stopped going to the dentist. When my therapist from the year before had begun a new rotation and I had to see a new therapist, I started to lapse until I just wasn't going anymore. I barely went to the doctor and put off my hand surgery until September of that year. I got a new job in November, so I put my everything into that. Then, I didn't have time to go to therapy or to the dentist. My marriage had even gone from the sporadic visit from Tym to speaking solely on the telephone sporadically until he died last year.
For the most part, I spent the last months of 2014 working, grieving and spending money. I saw a therapist sporadically until he decided that he would not support my extended medical leave. I fired him promptly and didn't see anyone else until I saw a therapist once earlier this year. I never saw him again.
Despite the joy I feel that I'm in school and I'm studying something really important to me, I really feel...unhealthy (for lack of a better word).
My teeth have gone into disrepair again. I have more weight than my frame can handle and I now have to take blood pressure medication. I'm crying more than I did before Tym's death and probably during my grieving phase. When I'm at school; I suck back Wild Cherry Pepsi like it's water and my stomach has a hard time tolerating caffeine. My diet is nearly as healthy as I would like it to be and that's really disappointing because I really enjoy cooking and I am a great cook.
Mentally, I don't feel well at all. I'm not sleeping well. I've been having more panic attacks. I don't write nearly enough so I'm not really expressing myself that way. I hide away in my disheveled bedroom with the lights either dimmed or off, though my lights are so dimmed that I would be better off not having it on at all. I don't even listen to my music as much as I used to. I almost always feel trapped and powerless and incompetent. The dosages of my medication has increased instead of decreased.
It's really obvious that shit needs to change.
After getting myself this low, it feels pretty impossible to even think about where to begin but I guess that I'm acknowledging that there is a problem and I want to change it is a pretty big step. I know that there is a huge chance that Tym's death is part of why I've let myself deteriorate, but I don't want that to become an excuse that I'm using five or ten years down the line. It bugs the hell out of me that I am still grieving and it's only been a little over a year (and I know that it will take time, but I'm not a patient person).
I'm going to make some changes, though. If I could do it at 27, and that was a good year out of a shitty decade, I can do it at 30. My hope is that I won't have to do it again at 33 or 43 or ever because starting over all the time sucks. Now, though, I'm going to do it because I need to. I may not always want to, but I need to.
I'll start with therapy again, because I have a plan with that. I have an appointment in November and I'm going to go, whether I have a job or not, because I need my mental health to be in the best optimal condition. I'm going to make better choices with my diet, in hopes that I'll start cooking again soon. I have a slow cooker and I love that thing so much, so I definitely plan on using it again. I'm going to purchase dental insurance again because I really need to get my teeth worked on again and I like having wonderful front teeth or a nice set of teeth that I can flash when I smile.
I think if I can start with these things, everything else will fall into place. Great things are not easy things but they're necessary. I'm necessary.
October 6, 2015
Page 268: Figuring it Out as I Go
It wasn't my intention to be away as long as I have been. It's just that the longer I looked at my blog, I realized that I didn't have much to write about. To be honest, I still don't, but I think we'll be okay. We'll just have to take things slowly.
Last Thursday, I officially took the plunge and declared Global Security as my major. If I'm being technical, Global Studies is my major but Global Security is the track I'm in. I've decided to simplify things and say that I am a Global Security major. I feel accomplished now, especially because I'd come into school as Undeclared. I had set up an appointment and gone to that appointment to declare myself as an English major, but something went horribly wrong there. Now, I have an official major and I'm feeling good about it. I have about 55 credits to go, so that's about four more years or less if I decide to take 15 credits each semester. I'll figure it out, but it's not something I'm worried about.
As of today, I am sick. I have a cold, and I don't even think it's a bad one but it's definitely trying to take me down. I missed two days of classes, but I have an interview tomorrow so I have to go. Next week is also the midterms, so I want to be absolutely on top of my game for them. If that means I have to pump myself with so much cold medicine, I'm sweating DayQuil, so be it.
I feel hopeful. This is a statement I've used many times thus far, but I do feel hopeful. Last night, I was feeling pretty dark, so it's nice to wake up and feel like things will be okay. I feel like a lot is going on in my life, but I don't think there's ever been a time where a lot hasn't been going on in my adult life. I tend to do well when overwhelmed, believe it or not. Methinks it's the anxiety that gets me going.
I'm super excited about going down this road to whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to do. Global Security and peace building is actually making me reassess who I am as a person and how I do things, because I don't want to be a hypocrite. It's hellish and wonderful trying to be a better woman. It's also hellish and wonderful assessing just how much power I have to make positive change. I'm not going to be able to make a difference overnight and I'm trying to reconcile with that, but I think it will be okay because the change I hope to make will be long-lasting and that's better than anything else.
Last Thursday, I officially took the plunge and declared Global Security as my major. If I'm being technical, Global Studies is my major but Global Security is the track I'm in. I've decided to simplify things and say that I am a Global Security major. I feel accomplished now, especially because I'd come into school as Undeclared. I had set up an appointment and gone to that appointment to declare myself as an English major, but something went horribly wrong there. Now, I have an official major and I'm feeling good about it. I have about 55 credits to go, so that's about four more years or less if I decide to take 15 credits each semester. I'll figure it out, but it's not something I'm worried about.
As of today, I am sick. I have a cold, and I don't even think it's a bad one but it's definitely trying to take me down. I missed two days of classes, but I have an interview tomorrow so I have to go. Next week is also the midterms, so I want to be absolutely on top of my game for them. If that means I have to pump myself with so much cold medicine, I'm sweating DayQuil, so be it.
I feel hopeful. This is a statement I've used many times thus far, but I do feel hopeful. Last night, I was feeling pretty dark, so it's nice to wake up and feel like things will be okay. I feel like a lot is going on in my life, but I don't think there's ever been a time where a lot hasn't been going on in my adult life. I tend to do well when overwhelmed, believe it or not. Methinks it's the anxiety that gets me going.
I'm super excited about going down this road to whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to do. Global Security and peace building is actually making me reassess who I am as a person and how I do things, because I don't want to be a hypocrite. It's hellish and wonderful trying to be a better woman. It's also hellish and wonderful assessing just how much power I have to make positive change. I'm not going to be able to make a difference overnight and I'm trying to reconcile with that, but I think it will be okay because the change I hope to make will be long-lasting and that's better than anything else.
September 25, 2015
Page 257: I Hope It's Not a Load-Bearing Wall
Yesterday, Meredith Grey bashed through her old life with a sledgehammer.
Okay, that is a bit of hyperbole, but I feel like Meredith was ready to start anew in last night's season 12 premiere of Grey's Anatomy. For a brief time during the end sequence of the show, I saw myself.
Okay, that is a bit of hyperbole, but I feel like Meredith was ready to start anew in last night's season 12 premiere of Grey's Anatomy. For a brief time during the end sequence of the show, I saw myself.
***
Welcome to your life. There's no turning back.
At around 3:30 am, I found myself crying and laughing at the same time.
I would be lying if I said that life since Tym's death has been easy. It's a constant cycle of change. Some days, I'm okay. Some days, I'm not. Whether I'm okay or not, I've pushed forward and continuing to live because there is so much that I want to do with my life.
I've been having bad dreams lately, dreams where I've been haunted by ghosts in almost a literal sense. I've dreamed about Tym. I've dreamed about my maternal grandmother. I've dreamed about my father. I wake up feeling panicked and sick and sad. It's likely that my stress has manifested in these dreams but I've never dreamed about my late relatives suffering like I've had this week. In an effort to fix this, I finally made a call to speak with a therapist again.
Going back to yesterday's episode of Grey's Anatomy, Meredith was pretty pissed with Amelia about putting a hole in the wall of the living room in their house. Of course, this caused conflict throughout the episode but there was a moment where Owen, dependable Owen, was almost caught in the middle of an argument between Mer and Amelia about the wall during a surgery. His response to diffuse the situation? He asked if the wall was load-bearing and then advised that the foundation of the house could collapse if it was. Again, the parallel between Meredith and myself and that damn wall was resonating.
In the past few months, I have really beaten myself up because I feel like I've made some really huge mistakes. I know that grief was motive, but that feeling of failure never goes away. When I'm not feeling like I'm a total fuck-up, I think about how far I've come in the past year. It probably wouldn't seem like I've made much progress but I think I have.
I've fully dedicated myself to school. I have struggles with wanting to go and having to sit through class and questioning if I'm even making the right decision. However, I am learning so much and my critical thinking abilities have improved and I've finally found a place where I feel like I can try to make a difference and satisfy myself at the same time. Yesterday, I had a wonderful lecture at school. Later that day, I had a conversation with my mother and told her that this is "my work." I discussed what the lecture was about and the new Global Goals initiative and said, "My work would include..." I felt really freaking successful in that moment.
In the meantime, I'm also looking for a job because I want to keep working on my studies and I'm going to have to start paying my tuition soon. I also have a lot of things I want to do with my life in general and while getting unemployment is great, I miss the astronomical amount of money I made biweekly when I was working (especially with the mandatory overtime).
I like that I'm moving forward and I want to keep moving forward, but I really do hope that I don't let my foundation collapse because I've destroyed a load-bearing wall. Since none of that is actually literal for me, it means that I hope that I can keep myself up without making myself sick or letting everything I am building right now fall apart. I like to think that I have a lot of time to do everything I want, but I'm still learning and maybe that's a good thing.
September 15, 2015
Page 247: This Passion Thing
I'm a firm believer that when someone finds their passion, he or she will start seeing life differently. Suddenly, everything in their lives mean nothing until that moment when they find their passion and start following it. Their lives have indelibly changed.
Of course, that's how I thought it went for people who found their passion. I had yet to find mine.
I thought it was writing for a good long while. I really did. I felt like I could write my way through life and I would be complete. Then, I finished my book last year and there was a period in which I wondered what was next. That didn't last long, though, because my husband died and I was totally consumed with other things. Writing didn't feel like a passion anymore, though.
I thought that teaching was my passion as well. I'm not completely convinced that it's not, though. I still really enjoy the idea of teaching children and/or teenagers how to be productive members of society and possible scholars. I feel like I can do that and I would be fulfilled, but I don't know if I'm as passionate about it as I once was. I think part of it was simply projecting because I want to be a mom. Being a mom is always a passion for me, but not one that I will find any time soon.
For lack of a better sentiment, I was passionless. I didn't have a passion for anything.
Then, I started classes this semester.
I wasn't looking for anything that would make me all full of passion and want me to throw my ring in anything, but I did want this semester to mean something much different from the previous two semesters felt. I was looking to prove that I was happy to attend my dream school and that my dead person's money was being put to good use. So, I decided to take a Conflict Resolution class because I once said that I wanted to be good at that. I took a Global Studies class because I was interested in the major. I wanted to learn something before my financial aid ran out. Some. Thing.
Surprisingly, it was not my Global Studies class that made me feel passionate, although I'm learning a lot. I found my passion in my Conflict Resolution course. I felt like this was something I could talk about all day. When my teacher mentioned that she was getting her Master's in Sustainable Peace Building, my eyes glittered like I was looking at something sparkly. I found a part of a calling that I could get on board with, something I could do for the rest of my life.
On October 1st, I am going to officially change my major to Global Security.
I still write. It's not as much as it was when I was a teen or even when I was in my 20s, that shitty decade. I plan to keep working on my book and maybe age, and experience, will help me make it even better than it currently is. As for teaching, maybe I'll teach a new generation about Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies while I'm getting my Master's.
I hope to work for the Federal Government when I'm done with college. I think I would be a good asset to them. I would love to work at the United Nations or NATO, wherever I can make the biggest impact in helping the world become a little more peaceful. Who knows? I could end up becoming the first Black Female President. That would be cool.
Of course, that's how I thought it went for people who found their passion. I had yet to find mine.
I thought it was writing for a good long while. I really did. I felt like I could write my way through life and I would be complete. Then, I finished my book last year and there was a period in which I wondered what was next. That didn't last long, though, because my husband died and I was totally consumed with other things. Writing didn't feel like a passion anymore, though.
I thought that teaching was my passion as well. I'm not completely convinced that it's not, though. I still really enjoy the idea of teaching children and/or teenagers how to be productive members of society and possible scholars. I feel like I can do that and I would be fulfilled, but I don't know if I'm as passionate about it as I once was. I think part of it was simply projecting because I want to be a mom. Being a mom is always a passion for me, but not one that I will find any time soon.
For lack of a better sentiment, I was passionless. I didn't have a passion for anything.
Then, I started classes this semester.
I wasn't looking for anything that would make me all full of passion and want me to throw my ring in anything, but I did want this semester to mean something much different from the previous two semesters felt. I was looking to prove that I was happy to attend my dream school and that my dead person's money was being put to good use. So, I decided to take a Conflict Resolution class because I once said that I wanted to be good at that. I took a Global Studies class because I was interested in the major. I wanted to learn something before my financial aid ran out. Some. Thing.
Surprisingly, it was not my Global Studies class that made me feel passionate, although I'm learning a lot. I found my passion in my Conflict Resolution course. I felt like this was something I could talk about all day. When my teacher mentioned that she was getting her Master's in Sustainable Peace Building, my eyes glittered like I was looking at something sparkly. I found a part of a calling that I could get on board with, something I could do for the rest of my life.
On October 1st, I am going to officially change my major to Global Security.
I still write. It's not as much as it was when I was a teen or even when I was in my 20s, that shitty decade. I plan to keep working on my book and maybe age, and experience, will help me make it even better than it currently is. As for teaching, maybe I'll teach a new generation about Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies while I'm getting my Master's.
I hope to work for the Federal Government when I'm done with college. I think I would be a good asset to them. I would love to work at the United Nations or NATO, wherever I can make the biggest impact in helping the world become a little more peaceful. Who knows? I could end up becoming the first Black Female President. That would be cool.
September 2, 2015
Page 234: The Danger of a Single Story
Today was my first day of class for the fall semester and as previously mentioned, I am taking Global Studies 101: People and Politics as well as Intro to Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies. My Global Studies 101 course was today and along with my fellow classmates, we got down to the nitty-gritty about politics, culture and global issues. There were about 11 issues that are current, but my teacher is a RN PhD who also does research and help lots of people with AIDS in Kenya, so she warned us to let her know when she gets a little too biased about the subject of health.
There was a lot of information to obtain for the first day, but it came down to culture is acquired and culture can be used as a detriment. After the lecture, my classmates and I watched a TED Talk of Chimimanda Adichie, who is a wonderful writer. It was called The Danger of a Single Story, hence the title of this post.
In the TED Talk, Ms. Adichie spoke of how she first read stories about Caucasian children who talked about the weather and enjoyed the sun, and how it was discouraging because there was no one in the stories that was like her. When she was a child, there was also a houseboy that worked for her family and her mother always pointed out how poor the houseboy and his family were, but Ms. Adichie was shocked when she and her family visited the houseboy's home and was astonished to see a beautiful basket that the houseboy's brother made himself. She thought that the family was too poor to make anything.
When Ms. Adichie arrived in America for college, her roommate was stunned that she spoke perfect English instead of gibberish and listened to Mariah Carey instead of "tribal music." According to John Locke and Rudyard Kipling, people in Africa were dark and evil, and Ms. Adichie believed that the single idea in these stories/statements were passed down to her roommate, who made these stupid assumptions about her.
(if you want to TL;DR, watch the video here)
After watching the video, I got to thinking about what stereotypes I may be harboring for the sheer reason of because it was what I had learned. At the age of 30, there aren't many stereotypes, but that's not true of everyone. People are color are targeted constantly because of the stereotypes they are subjected to. Black people are considered to be ignorant, "ghetto" and loud. They eat fried chicken and watermelon. Hispanic people are considered to be the ones who would take any jobs, stealing the resources from this country by crossing the border. Middle Eastern people are constantly considered to be suspicious. After 9/11, I doubt that there has been one Middle Eastern adult that has not been called a terrorist. Asian people are considered to be super smart. Their women are fetishized by the "geisha" stereotype.
These problematic labels were all created by a single story that has been constantly perpetuated throughout generations. There are even more stereotypes that I haven't mentioned in this post, and a lot of people are mentioned in those stereotypes, including Caucasian people.
I know that I haven't even touched on what I will learn in this class, but a single story can be more dangerous than you know. I am definitely reflecting on what I've learned, what I've shared and how I've encouraged stereotypes. I hate the term "learning experience," especially because of the many times I've heard it this year alone, but I guess my class and today has been a learning experience for me. I have to check my stereotypical thoughts at the door, and I look forward to that because I will benefit so much from it. If I can benefit from it, I'll be able to help others benefit from it as well.
What are some of the single stories you have heard?
P.S: Did you know that today, 21,000 children have died? Did you know that African-American men in Harlem have shorter life spans than people in Bangladesh, Japan and Algiers combined? Did you also know that the U.S is #29 when it comes to the rating of our healthcare and that our GDP is $48,000 while Kenya's is $1,600? The more you know...
There was a lot of information to obtain for the first day, but it came down to culture is acquired and culture can be used as a detriment. After the lecture, my classmates and I watched a TED Talk of Chimimanda Adichie, who is a wonderful writer. It was called The Danger of a Single Story, hence the title of this post.
In the TED Talk, Ms. Adichie spoke of how she first read stories about Caucasian children who talked about the weather and enjoyed the sun, and how it was discouraging because there was no one in the stories that was like her. When she was a child, there was also a houseboy that worked for her family and her mother always pointed out how poor the houseboy and his family were, but Ms. Adichie was shocked when she and her family visited the houseboy's home and was astonished to see a beautiful basket that the houseboy's brother made himself. She thought that the family was too poor to make anything.
When Ms. Adichie arrived in America for college, her roommate was stunned that she spoke perfect English instead of gibberish and listened to Mariah Carey instead of "tribal music." According to John Locke and Rudyard Kipling, people in Africa were dark and evil, and Ms. Adichie believed that the single idea in these stories/statements were passed down to her roommate, who made these stupid assumptions about her.
(if you want to TL;DR, watch the video here)
After watching the video, I got to thinking about what stereotypes I may be harboring for the sheer reason of because it was what I had learned. At the age of 30, there aren't many stereotypes, but that's not true of everyone. People are color are targeted constantly because of the stereotypes they are subjected to. Black people are considered to be ignorant, "ghetto" and loud. They eat fried chicken and watermelon. Hispanic people are considered to be the ones who would take any jobs, stealing the resources from this country by crossing the border. Middle Eastern people are constantly considered to be suspicious. After 9/11, I doubt that there has been one Middle Eastern adult that has not been called a terrorist. Asian people are considered to be super smart. Their women are fetishized by the "geisha" stereotype.
These problematic labels were all created by a single story that has been constantly perpetuated throughout generations. There are even more stereotypes that I haven't mentioned in this post, and a lot of people are mentioned in those stereotypes, including Caucasian people.
I know that I haven't even touched on what I will learn in this class, but a single story can be more dangerous than you know. I am definitely reflecting on what I've learned, what I've shared and how I've encouraged stereotypes. I hate the term "learning experience," especially because of the many times I've heard it this year alone, but I guess my class and today has been a learning experience for me. I have to check my stereotypical thoughts at the door, and I look forward to that because I will benefit so much from it. If I can benefit from it, I'll be able to help others benefit from it as well.
What are some of the single stories you have heard?
P.S: Did you know that today, 21,000 children have died? Did you know that African-American men in Harlem have shorter life spans than people in Bangladesh, Japan and Algiers combined? Did you also know that the U.S is #29 when it comes to the rating of our healthcare and that our GDP is $48,000 while Kenya's is $1,600? The more you know...
August 31, 2015
Page 232: Goodbye, August
Yesterday, I literally scoured the internet to find out what day my father's birthday was. I promise I'm not a bad daughter. I simply thought that his birthday was today and not August 30th.
I'm a bad daughter.
Forgetting my late father's birthday aside, August was a good month. It was a full month. I strengthened my mind by playing lots of Tetris and Quiz Up. Then, I destroyed all that new brain power by watching Sex and the City as well as vlogs. I broke my social media vacation and applied to lots of jobs. I hung out with my sister and went to see a scary movie that made me scream at the beginning and completely underwhelmed me at the end. I finally renewed my library card and visited the library for the first time in at least two years. Last week, I had an internship interview. It went well and would've gone better if I was a full-time student this semester. Still, the internship coordinator loved me and I think she would've made an exception if she could have. From the résumé to my personality, she loved me.
I spent the weekend going to Best Buy, literally. I went there yesterday, Saturday and Friday. I also went there today and I was more than relieved to have everything finally settled so I don't need to go back. I had to replace my headphones, but that wasn't the issue. The issue was that I had a warranty for a DSLR I no longer have and I wanted my refund. The customer service people at Best Buy kept screwing it up, so that meant for various trips. I was highly pissed off yesterday by what I thought was complete incompetence. Finally, it was fixed, though, so I don't have to go back there for a while. I'm so happy.
This week, I start my classes and I'm excited. I didn't even think I would actually be able to go this semester, but a last-minute surprise came through and my classes were fully paid for. I'm taking Intro to Global Studies: People and Politics as well as Intro to Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies this fall and one of my classes is actually in an old hospital. I'm pretty excited about it, to be honest, although I'm a little worried about ghosts. My class is during the day, but still.
I feel like these classes will be a challenge to me mentally because the syllabi show that they will evoke emotions in completely opposite directions. We all know about politics at this point, and we know that they are not easy and not peaceful a lot of the time, so I'm going to have to deal with that in my Global Studies course. Then, I'm going to have to go into my Conflict Resolution class and learn how to become a peaceful part of society the next day. I really don't know how to feel about that, even though I am a person who is always up for a challenge. I hope that I can work through some of my feelings about what I am studying and what is going on in this country. It won't be easy. I really won't, but college isn't supposed to be easy. Right?
By the way, I started writing again. It's baby steps currently, but I've been slowly getting through the fog. I feel like something is being lifted off me, even though I can't wait until I start doing more. Maybe it was a summer thing and now that summer is almost over, the weight of not writing is lifting. That's what I hope it was. I'm ready for the fall and all the tranquility I happen to find during these months.
I'm a bad daughter.
Forgetting my late father's birthday aside, August was a good month. It was a full month. I strengthened my mind by playing lots of Tetris and Quiz Up. Then, I destroyed all that new brain power by watching Sex and the City as well as vlogs. I broke my social media vacation and applied to lots of jobs. I hung out with my sister and went to see a scary movie that made me scream at the beginning and completely underwhelmed me at the end. I finally renewed my library card and visited the library for the first time in at least two years. Last week, I had an internship interview. It went well and would've gone better if I was a full-time student this semester. Still, the internship coordinator loved me and I think she would've made an exception if she could have. From the résumé to my personality, she loved me.
I spent the weekend going to Best Buy, literally. I went there yesterday, Saturday and Friday. I also went there today and I was more than relieved to have everything finally settled so I don't need to go back. I had to replace my headphones, but that wasn't the issue. The issue was that I had a warranty for a DSLR I no longer have and I wanted my refund. The customer service people at Best Buy kept screwing it up, so that meant for various trips. I was highly pissed off yesterday by what I thought was complete incompetence. Finally, it was fixed, though, so I don't have to go back there for a while. I'm so happy.
This week, I start my classes and I'm excited. I didn't even think I would actually be able to go this semester, but a last-minute surprise came through and my classes were fully paid for. I'm taking Intro to Global Studies: People and Politics as well as Intro to Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies this fall and one of my classes is actually in an old hospital. I'm pretty excited about it, to be honest, although I'm a little worried about ghosts. My class is during the day, but still.
I feel like these classes will be a challenge to me mentally because the syllabi show that they will evoke emotions in completely opposite directions. We all know about politics at this point, and we know that they are not easy and not peaceful a lot of the time, so I'm going to have to deal with that in my Global Studies course. Then, I'm going to have to go into my Conflict Resolution class and learn how to become a peaceful part of society the next day. I really don't know how to feel about that, even though I am a person who is always up for a challenge. I hope that I can work through some of my feelings about what I am studying and what is going on in this country. It won't be easy. I really won't, but college isn't supposed to be easy. Right?
By the way, I started writing again. It's baby steps currently, but I've been slowly getting through the fog. I feel like something is being lifted off me, even though I can't wait until I start doing more. Maybe it was a summer thing and now that summer is almost over, the weight of not writing is lifting. That's what I hope it was. I'm ready for the fall and all the tranquility I happen to find during these months.
April 23, 2015
Page 114: Getting Out of the Way
Yesterday, I realized that I've gotten in my way a lot more than I thought and it isn't in a good way. If you were to ask me how I was two weeks ago, I would tell you that I'm fine. Only now have I realized that I have been lying.
I've mentioned in a previous blog post that all I wanted was to be normal again, so I don't need to rehash any of that. However, I think it's time that I get it through my head that the old normal is never coming back. Returning to who I was last summer is not going to happen. Forcing myself into that corner is just making my grief worse and unbearable.
I watched my normal favorite television show last night and as I was watching it, getting past the huge spoiler that everyone probably knows now, I started to sympathize with the character's surviving spouse a little too much. When the police were at her door and told her that there had been an accident, I thought of my very own phone call from the police and them telling me that there had been an accident. Maybe I should be lucky that Tym was dead at the site, but the conversation about how the organs weren't viable for donation was one that I also had. It still angers me when people tell me that they're sorry for my loss. The surviving character's loss was like my loss was happening again and the pain in my chest feels even worse than it did back in July.
I was told by my sister and my mother that I needed to remember how far I've come, but I think that's unfair to them and to me. I'm forcing myself not to grieve. I'm forcing myself to separate from what happened. I'm forcing myself to pretend that I can move on with my life because I'm now 30 and I need to move on with my life. Right?
I need to take a step back and really work on reconstructing my life instead of just saying that I am or planning it halfheartedly. Blogging and social media isn't really tools for getting it together, so I'm taking a step back from that as well. I won't be gone forever but while I'm gone, I'm going to finally grieve my husband.
I've mentioned in a previous blog post that all I wanted was to be normal again, so I don't need to rehash any of that. However, I think it's time that I get it through my head that the old normal is never coming back. Returning to who I was last summer is not going to happen. Forcing myself into that corner is just making my grief worse and unbearable.
I watched my normal favorite television show last night and as I was watching it, getting past the huge spoiler that everyone probably knows now, I started to sympathize with the character's surviving spouse a little too much. When the police were at her door and told her that there had been an accident, I thought of my very own phone call from the police and them telling me that there had been an accident. Maybe I should be lucky that Tym was dead at the site, but the conversation about how the organs weren't viable for donation was one that I also had. It still angers me when people tell me that they're sorry for my loss. The surviving character's loss was like my loss was happening again and the pain in my chest feels even worse than it did back in July.
I was told by my sister and my mother that I needed to remember how far I've come, but I think that's unfair to them and to me. I'm forcing myself not to grieve. I'm forcing myself to separate from what happened. I'm forcing myself to pretend that I can move on with my life because I'm now 30 and I need to move on with my life. Right?
I need to take a step back and really work on reconstructing my life instead of just saying that I am or planning it halfheartedly. Blogging and social media isn't really tools for getting it together, so I'm taking a step back from that as well. I won't be gone forever but while I'm gone, I'm going to finally grieve my husband.
April 18, 2015
Page 109: Life is an Ongoing Train
When I started this blog, I couldn't bear to spend one day away from it. I guess you could call it separation anxiety but because it was so new, I felt like I had to blog almost every night. I ended up with about 800 posts in a span of maybe two years. I think that's right.
I had to tell myself that it was okay if I missed a couple of days of not blogging. I had to train myself not to freak out if I missed a week or so. I couldn't take a blog break to save my life. Then, life got really busy and I had to begin considering hanging this blog up because I didn't have any time or any stories to tell because I was just working and sleeping. Tym's death inadvertently reinvigorated my return to this space. Even if I didn't want to blog, I needed to let my feelings out like I did when I started posting.
I've spent most of last week going to the store or sleeping on the floor because I have a slight addiction to air beds and my knee killed my last one, but life has not been boring. I finally filed my taxes (and owed money, which is so unfair). I did a phone interview that has led with me to have a Skype interview with a couple of executives in Australia this upcoming Wednesday evening (which will be Thursday morning there). I've enrolled in college classes for this Summer. I even played Monopoly on my PlayStation 3. I've also been thinking about even bigger things, like enrolling for classes for the fall semester and a possible solo business venture as well as planning for the next year, five years and ten years.
Life hasn't stopped here. Sometimes, I wish life would halt but that has yet to happen. God doesn't bless the mess. Therefore, I deal with the struggle, learn from the struggle and go from there. That is the only way I am able to keep going and keep an ounce of sanity in what seems hectic to me. That's the way I can function, because life doesn't stop. I just have to move with it.
I had to tell myself that it was okay if I missed a couple of days of not blogging. I had to train myself not to freak out if I missed a week or so. I couldn't take a blog break to save my life. Then, life got really busy and I had to begin considering hanging this blog up because I didn't have any time or any stories to tell because I was just working and sleeping. Tym's death inadvertently reinvigorated my return to this space. Even if I didn't want to blog, I needed to let my feelings out like I did when I started posting.
I've spent most of last week going to the store or sleeping on the floor because I have a slight addiction to air beds and my knee killed my last one, but life has not been boring. I finally filed my taxes (and owed money, which is so unfair). I did a phone interview that has led with me to have a Skype interview with a couple of executives in Australia this upcoming Wednesday evening (which will be Thursday morning there). I've enrolled in college classes for this Summer. I even played Monopoly on my PlayStation 3. I've also been thinking about even bigger things, like enrolling for classes for the fall semester and a possible solo business venture as well as planning for the next year, five years and ten years.
Life hasn't stopped here. Sometimes, I wish life would halt but that has yet to happen. God doesn't bless the mess. Therefore, I deal with the struggle, learn from the struggle and go from there. That is the only way I am able to keep going and keep an ounce of sanity in what seems hectic to me. That's the way I can function, because life doesn't stop. I just have to move with it.
April 12, 2015
Page 102: Still Getting There
For the past nine months, if you didn't know, I've been in a state of recovery. My husband, who I was living apart from, was killed in a road accident back in July. I've jostled with crying and being angry and spending the first week or so in a fog, trying to figure out when I should return to work and why it all sounded like the dumbest thing in the world. I thought it would be over quickly, just like I thought I got over my father's death at 21. It wasn't.
The biggest difference between my father's death and my husband's death was this: I was shielded the first time. My mom and my sister (mostly my sister) dealt with the funeral and all that good stuff. Then, life just kept coming so the grief process didn't last that long to me. Now, it feels like forever. I've dealt with the cremation, autopsy reports, what to donate to other people and science, death certificates and life insurance things as well as trying to work on things like getting back into school and trying to keep my job and medical leave. It sounds really boring but when you've never had to do it, it really drains the life out of you.
Now, I laugh more than I cry and the sun is still marvelous to look at, but I'm still not where I want to be. I saw a psychotherapist for a time after my husband's death and one of the first things I told him was that I wanted to be normal again. I'm still working towards that goal. A lot of times, I feel like I'm getting there or I'm already there. Other times, it feels like I'm in a maze I'm never going to get out of.
I keep expecting it to be like a movie, where I travel somewhere and meet quirky characters who will tell me about my husband's secret history and I either fall for someone new or leave with a renewed sense of purpose. I imagine the montage of me working hard and doing things that make me feel better and guys, it is not that at all. Instead, it's feeling depressed and sobbing for over 15 minutes while Sia's Elastic Heart played over and over (don't ask). Sometimes, it's watching a horror movie that ends ridiculously and then wanting to watch something that would give you a visceral reaction. Other times, it's being so angry that you want to grab a golf club and start bashing some windows in.
I'm not where I want to be, and I want to be there so badly. I'm going to have to let go any expectations I have of snapping my fingers and being okay in an instant. It's not easy but it's the least destructive option I have right now.
The biggest difference between my father's death and my husband's death was this: I was shielded the first time. My mom and my sister (mostly my sister) dealt with the funeral and all that good stuff. Then, life just kept coming so the grief process didn't last that long to me. Now, it feels like forever. I've dealt with the cremation, autopsy reports, what to donate to other people and science, death certificates and life insurance things as well as trying to work on things like getting back into school and trying to keep my job and medical leave. It sounds really boring but when you've never had to do it, it really drains the life out of you.
Now, I laugh more than I cry and the sun is still marvelous to look at, but I'm still not where I want to be. I saw a psychotherapist for a time after my husband's death and one of the first things I told him was that I wanted to be normal again. I'm still working towards that goal. A lot of times, I feel like I'm getting there or I'm already there. Other times, it feels like I'm in a maze I'm never going to get out of.
I keep expecting it to be like a movie, where I travel somewhere and meet quirky characters who will tell me about my husband's secret history and I either fall for someone new or leave with a renewed sense of purpose. I imagine the montage of me working hard and doing things that make me feel better and guys, it is not that at all. Instead, it's feeling depressed and sobbing for over 15 minutes while Sia's Elastic Heart played over and over (don't ask). Sometimes, it's watching a horror movie that ends ridiculously and then wanting to watch something that would give you a visceral reaction. Other times, it's being so angry that you want to grab a golf club and start bashing some windows in.
I'm not where I want to be, and I want to be there so badly. I'm going to have to let go any expectations I have of snapping my fingers and being okay in an instant. It's not easy but it's the least destructive option I have right now.
April 8, 2015
Page 98: All the Small Things
This morning, I had a very important (for me) phone call. I spent the entire time talking in the dark.
It was 10 am and my sleep had been a little fitful so I fully intended on going back to sleep after the phone call, but I didn't. It was nice dozing on and off while waiting for the phone call, though.
Lately, I've been taking really small steps that lead to really big things. I've sat with my thoughts and since I am incapable of writing down all the thoughts I have every day, I just think. There's not much else I can do. This is not new, but what is new is that I want to keep my plans very close to my chest. There is very little I'm telling my mom, and I tell her almost everything.
I think part of the reason I'm being secretive is fear. I stated in a previous post that I get nervous about blogging my plans now because I don't tend to finish it out. I'm starting to feel like a quitter and I hate that feeling. I have no problems letting something go if it feels like I'm getting nowhere or if it's too stressful and/or bad for my health, but quitting everything is just horrible.
In a letter I wrote to my sister, Tina, I said that it felt like I was returning to the real world. I don't talk about it much anymore but up until recently, it feels like I've been walking around in a fog, living in a surreal world. The fog seems to be receding, even though I know that there will be ebbs and flows of sadness and grief. I'm happy about it, though, that the fog is lifting. I feel like I can actually get stuff done without many interruptions.
It was 10 am and my sleep had been a little fitful so I fully intended on going back to sleep after the phone call, but I didn't. It was nice dozing on and off while waiting for the phone call, though.
Lately, I've been taking really small steps that lead to really big things. I've sat with my thoughts and since I am incapable of writing down all the thoughts I have every day, I just think. There's not much else I can do. This is not new, but what is new is that I want to keep my plans very close to my chest. There is very little I'm telling my mom, and I tell her almost everything.
I think part of the reason I'm being secretive is fear. I stated in a previous post that I get nervous about blogging my plans now because I don't tend to finish it out. I'm starting to feel like a quitter and I hate that feeling. I have no problems letting something go if it feels like I'm getting nowhere or if it's too stressful and/or bad for my health, but quitting everything is just horrible.
In a letter I wrote to my sister, Tina, I said that it felt like I was returning to the real world. I don't talk about it much anymore but up until recently, it feels like I've been walking around in a fog, living in a surreal world. The fog seems to be receding, even though I know that there will be ebbs and flows of sadness and grief. I'm happy about it, though, that the fog is lifting. I feel like I can actually get stuff done without many interruptions.
April 6, 2015
Page 96: Liebster-ing Again
I was not nominated for a Liebster award but Erini at Adorkable Me did an open call-out after she was nominated, and she had some really good questions that I wanted to answer. Also, I thought that this would be a good return to blogging after taking most of last week off to celebrate Holy Week.
If you're not familiar with the Liebster Award, here's the general rules: If you're nominated by a blogger, you answer the 11 questions that they have posed and then nominate 11 more bloggers for them to answer 11 questions that you have come up with. The cycle continues on and on until it doesn't. You can, like Erini, nominate anyone who wants to do it, too.
Anyway, on to the Q&A.
1) What’s one thing that you collect, and tell me about a favorite piece in that collection.
I collect mugs. I really love mugs but I don't drink much tea or coffee, so they mostly sit and look pretty. My favorite mug is one that I bought at Barnes and Noble that has a really nice design of Paris on it. I don't like traveling, but the mug makes me smile.
2) What TV show do you wish they’d bring back (or never ever cancel)?
I love the idea that every one involved would love to bring back Roswell, but I know that's just wishful thinking and Katherine Heigl probably wouldn't want to. So, I'm going to go with more of a recent favorite and say that I wish that Ringer would come back. I loved watching the trials and tribulations of Bridget and Siobhan.
3) What’s your favorite brunch indulgence?
I'm not actually a huge brunch person, which is probably making some of the blogosphere faint, cry or both. I am a huge steak person, though. I don't eat steak often but I do indulge when I can. Steak and cantaloupe are two of my favorite foods in the world.
4) What subject/topic makes you so excited and happy that the rest of the world seems to slip away?
As of late, it's been the movie John Wick. The plot may sound really cheesy, but the movie is really good. It's actually better than it probably should be and I love it so much because John is talked about as if he's more awesome than Chuck Norris. It used to be Chris Evans (since I was 19) and my book, but you could also get me to get the rest of the world to slip away if you bring up horror movies.
5) What is your ideal morning?
My ideal morning would start with waking up surrounded by pillows or teddy bears. I would then wake up and eat some cereal and a bagel because I don't eat breakfast regularly. I would then wash my dishes and turn on a bit of Netflix (something light like The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) while I work on some homework or write a bit. I would then either go to work or clean my house before going on a walk or going roller skating. Otherwise, my ideal morning would look like Christmas morning, all the time.
6) What’s your favorite museum?'
I really love the Chicago Art Museum. I could get just wander around in there and not have a care in the world. I went there with my husband the week before we got married and I was so happy there.
7) Salty, savory, or sweet?
Sweet. I like fruity things, although I love a good bag of Lay's potato chips or pretzels.
8) Online or Brick & Mortar? And if brick & mortar, do you prefer big chains/superstores, malls, or local?
I love brick & mortar. In terms of brick & mortar, I love big chains and malls. I don't live near many local stores, but I would explore if it was more accessible.
9) The internet, cable & satellite TV, cell services, and every computer, DVD player/VHR, movie theatre in the entire world are down for a day. (Basically no major electronic entertainment is available.) How do you spend your day?
Writing. I think that most of my writing is inhibited because of my constant access to social media and the internet. It's a time suck for me (and I have no discipline) so I'd probably get more writing done in that whole day than I have in a year.
10) What’s the one item in your closet that you would wear all day everyday if it were easier to wear the same thing every single day?
I have this Captain America t-shirt that I bought at least two or three years ago, when the first Captain America movie had come out. I still love it. If I couldn't wear my Captain America shirt, I would probably wear one of my sleep-shirts all the time.
11) And my favorite question from NPR, what books summarize you?
I never read that many of the classics because I never felt motivated to and I dropped out of high school when I was 15, but I did read a lot of books. I don't feel like many of them summarize me as good as The Stand by Stephen King. This book is about a lot of characters but I feel like it summarizes me because it is a story about how those characters choose their own narratives after this big thing hits and they're given this really important choice. I was a person who made my life dramatic because I put myself in the hands of others, even if they didn't want to do it. I like to think I've chosen my narrative now that so many big things have hit in my life.
This is the part where I'm supposed to nominate 11 bloggers to answer my questions (which are listed below) but since I'm responding to an open blogger call, I'm also going to put one out. I'm nominating YOU; bright, beautiful you. Answer the questions and spread the word, pay it forward, make it fun. Here are my questions.
1. What was the best year of your life? The worst?
2. Give me a 30 second summary for your autobiography.
3. What would you want to be your last meal and why?
4. If you were an animal that was adopted by people, what animal would you be and what name would you want?
5. What would you tell your best friend right now?
6. What would you tell your worst enemy right now?
7. Tell me about the moment you were the happiest you've ever been.
8. You have five things in your refrigerator. What are they and could you make a meal with them?
9. Biggie or Tupac?
10. What would be a challenge for you today.
11. How would you want to be remembered?
If you're not familiar with the Liebster Award, here's the general rules: If you're nominated by a blogger, you answer the 11 questions that they have posed and then nominate 11 more bloggers for them to answer 11 questions that you have come up with. The cycle continues on and on until it doesn't. You can, like Erini, nominate anyone who wants to do it, too.
Anyway, on to the Q&A.
1) What’s one thing that you collect, and tell me about a favorite piece in that collection.
I collect mugs. I really love mugs but I don't drink much tea or coffee, so they mostly sit and look pretty. My favorite mug is one that I bought at Barnes and Noble that has a really nice design of Paris on it. I don't like traveling, but the mug makes me smile.
2) What TV show do you wish they’d bring back (or never ever cancel)?
I love the idea that every one involved would love to bring back Roswell, but I know that's just wishful thinking and Katherine Heigl probably wouldn't want to. So, I'm going to go with more of a recent favorite and say that I wish that Ringer would come back. I loved watching the trials and tribulations of Bridget and Siobhan.
3) What’s your favorite brunch indulgence?
I'm not actually a huge brunch person, which is probably making some of the blogosphere faint, cry or both. I am a huge steak person, though. I don't eat steak often but I do indulge when I can. Steak and cantaloupe are two of my favorite foods in the world.
4) What subject/topic makes you so excited and happy that the rest of the world seems to slip away?
As of late, it's been the movie John Wick. The plot may sound really cheesy, but the movie is really good. It's actually better than it probably should be and I love it so much because John is talked about as if he's more awesome than Chuck Norris. It used to be Chris Evans (since I was 19) and my book, but you could also get me to get the rest of the world to slip away if you bring up horror movies.
5) What is your ideal morning?
My ideal morning would start with waking up surrounded by pillows or teddy bears. I would then wake up and eat some cereal and a bagel because I don't eat breakfast regularly. I would then wash my dishes and turn on a bit of Netflix (something light like The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) while I work on some homework or write a bit. I would then either go to work or clean my house before going on a walk or going roller skating. Otherwise, my ideal morning would look like Christmas morning, all the time.
6) What’s your favorite museum?'
I really love the Chicago Art Museum. I could get just wander around in there and not have a care in the world. I went there with my husband the week before we got married and I was so happy there.
7) Salty, savory, or sweet?
Sweet. I like fruity things, although I love a good bag of Lay's potato chips or pretzels.
8) Online or Brick & Mortar? And if brick & mortar, do you prefer big chains/superstores, malls, or local?
I love brick & mortar. In terms of brick & mortar, I love big chains and malls. I don't live near many local stores, but I would explore if it was more accessible.
9) The internet, cable & satellite TV, cell services, and every computer, DVD player/VHR, movie theatre in the entire world are down for a day. (Basically no major electronic entertainment is available.) How do you spend your day?
Writing. I think that most of my writing is inhibited because of my constant access to social media and the internet. It's a time suck for me (and I have no discipline) so I'd probably get more writing done in that whole day than I have in a year.
10) What’s the one item in your closet that you would wear all day everyday if it were easier to wear the same thing every single day?
I have this Captain America t-shirt that I bought at least two or three years ago, when the first Captain America movie had come out. I still love it. If I couldn't wear my Captain America shirt, I would probably wear one of my sleep-shirts all the time.
11) And my favorite question from NPR, what books summarize you?
I never read that many of the classics because I never felt motivated to and I dropped out of high school when I was 15, but I did read a lot of books. I don't feel like many of them summarize me as good as The Stand by Stephen King. This book is about a lot of characters but I feel like it summarizes me because it is a story about how those characters choose their own narratives after this big thing hits and they're given this really important choice. I was a person who made my life dramatic because I put myself in the hands of others, even if they didn't want to do it. I like to think I've chosen my narrative now that so many big things have hit in my life.
This is the part where I'm supposed to nominate 11 bloggers to answer my questions (which are listed below) but since I'm responding to an open blogger call, I'm also going to put one out. I'm nominating YOU; bright, beautiful you. Answer the questions and spread the word, pay it forward, make it fun. Here are my questions.
1. What was the best year of your life? The worst?
2. Give me a 30 second summary for your autobiography.
3. What would you want to be your last meal and why?
4. If you were an animal that was adopted by people, what animal would you be and what name would you want?
5. What would you tell your best friend right now?
6. What would you tell your worst enemy right now?
7. Tell me about the moment you were the happiest you've ever been.
8. You have five things in your refrigerator. What are they and could you make a meal with them?
9. Biggie or Tupac?
10. What would be a challenge for you today.
11. How would you want to be remembered?
March 29, 2015
Page 88: Embracing the Unknown
[caption id="attachment_18103" align="aligncenter" width="361"]
Taken from the box that carried my mug from Fringe Studio[/caption]
It feels like a lot of things in my life are in the air, even though that is not really the case. I haven't returned to work and I've been actively looking and applying for new positions. I haven't moved out of my current place of residence, and I'm slightly annoyed by that because I feel like I should have either decided about moving or not moving by now. Also, I want stuff. I want lots of stuff that will kill my current savings. I don't want to do that, so I'm waiting to see what happens with work and I'm annoyed by that as well. Overall, I think I'm tired of waiting. My patience did not return when I turned 30 last week.
I've made good work with distracting myself from being impatient. Last week felt super productive for me because I branched out and started talking about my creative process. Talking about my creative process is rare for me because I'm all but forthcoming about my writing. I can't blog consistently about my writing because it feels forced. It was nice discussing my creative process, though, and I found myself with like-minded people. I don't mention it often, but I am always in a search for like-minded people and during the chats I had on Twitter on Thursday, I found some of my people.
Finding some of my people and discussing my creative process with them sparked something else in me. I decided to enter something that I've never done before because I never had the confidence to do it. I've decided to run with it because I have nothing to really lose and everything to gain.
In that vein, I started to feel like I should run with doing all the things I love again. I've been itching to cook and write and blog like I used to as well as think about writing. Thinking about writing is always the motivation for me to actually write, so this is a good thing. I'm grateful to have savings in the bank so not working is something I don't need to exasperate my anxiety over, but I am a person who needs to always be doing. It doesn't matter if it's going somewhere or just thinking really hard. I have to always be active in some way, shape or form.
Since things in my life feel like they're up in the air, I have embraced it because I have so many things to keep myself busy with until things even themselves out. I've even broke out my PlayStation 2 and my PlayStation 3 in case I'm too tired to work on anything else, like writing. I feel better than I have in a long time because I have so many things to preoccupy myself with.
What do you do when things feel uncertain?
Taken from the box that carried my mug from Fringe Studio[/caption]It feels like a lot of things in my life are in the air, even though that is not really the case. I haven't returned to work and I've been actively looking and applying for new positions. I haven't moved out of my current place of residence, and I'm slightly annoyed by that because I feel like I should have either decided about moving or not moving by now. Also, I want stuff. I want lots of stuff that will kill my current savings. I don't want to do that, so I'm waiting to see what happens with work and I'm annoyed by that as well. Overall, I think I'm tired of waiting. My patience did not return when I turned 30 last week.
I've made good work with distracting myself from being impatient. Last week felt super productive for me because I branched out and started talking about my creative process. Talking about my creative process is rare for me because I'm all but forthcoming about my writing. I can't blog consistently about my writing because it feels forced. It was nice discussing my creative process, though, and I found myself with like-minded people. I don't mention it often, but I am always in a search for like-minded people and during the chats I had on Twitter on Thursday, I found some of my people.
Finding some of my people and discussing my creative process with them sparked something else in me. I decided to enter something that I've never done before because I never had the confidence to do it. I've decided to run with it because I have nothing to really lose and everything to gain.
In that vein, I started to feel like I should run with doing all the things I love again. I've been itching to cook and write and blog like I used to as well as think about writing. Thinking about writing is always the motivation for me to actually write, so this is a good thing. I'm grateful to have savings in the bank so not working is something I don't need to exasperate my anxiety over, but I am a person who needs to always be doing. It doesn't matter if it's going somewhere or just thinking really hard. I have to always be active in some way, shape or form.
Since things in my life feel like they're up in the air, I have embraced it because I have so many things to keep myself busy with until things even themselves out. I've even broke out my PlayStation 2 and my PlayStation 3 in case I'm too tired to work on anything else, like writing. I feel better than I have in a long time because I have so many things to preoccupy myself with.
What do you do when things feel uncertain?
March 27, 2015
Page 86: Design of a Decade
As of today, I've been 30 years old for a week. It's been a good week and I think I'm actually happier than I was at the hotel. To me, that reinforces that room service and a pool is not always what you need, only what you want.
As of late, I've been on an organizing kick. I've organized some parts of my room, paperwork and I started thinking about things I want to do in my 30s. It probably sounds very ridiculous to begin to plan out a whole decade, especially since things are going to happen the way they happen, but I feel like I'm going to get along better this way instead of flying by the seat of my pants like I did in my 20s.
I'm calling this plan "Design of a Decade" and as of this moment, it's a list of goals I want to complete in this decade. It's organized by things I want to learn, events and places I want to travel to and total life goals. I also plan to do my best to record my progress and the goals I've achieved throughout this blog, even though blogs may not even exist in the next 10 years.
This started out as a list on the Notes app of my phone. I was having a conversation on Twitter with my friend, Marissa, about swing dancing when I realized that swing dancing was something I wanted to learn. I put it on a list along with some other things I wanted to learn, like how to swim. It wasn't long before the list started to expand and there were more things I wanted to do besides learning new skills.
A couple of days ago, I added that I wanted to learn how to change a flat tire and fix a car because I feel like I need to know how to do that. I don't want to wait on a man or someone else to fix my car when it needs to be fixed. I don't have the patience for that when I can take a couple of classes or so and learn how to do it myself. To this extent, I've also put on my list that I am going to face my fears. There's not that many now but if I can face them and get some new fears, I'll be happy. There's one fear, though, that is not on the list. It's not there because I don't know how to face it. That fear has two parts and facing it is going to have to happen naturally.
The list has me excited for what's to come. I may take the rest of this year off as a "gap year," so I can get other things together. I'm so pumped, though. This may be my best decade yet.
As of late, I've been on an organizing kick. I've organized some parts of my room, paperwork and I started thinking about things I want to do in my 30s. It probably sounds very ridiculous to begin to plan out a whole decade, especially since things are going to happen the way they happen, but I feel like I'm going to get along better this way instead of flying by the seat of my pants like I did in my 20s.
I'm calling this plan "Design of a Decade" and as of this moment, it's a list of goals I want to complete in this decade. It's organized by things I want to learn, events and places I want to travel to and total life goals. I also plan to do my best to record my progress and the goals I've achieved throughout this blog, even though blogs may not even exist in the next 10 years.
This started out as a list on the Notes app of my phone. I was having a conversation on Twitter with my friend, Marissa, about swing dancing when I realized that swing dancing was something I wanted to learn. I put it on a list along with some other things I wanted to learn, like how to swim. It wasn't long before the list started to expand and there were more things I wanted to do besides learning new skills.
A couple of days ago, I added that I wanted to learn how to change a flat tire and fix a car because I feel like I need to know how to do that. I don't want to wait on a man or someone else to fix my car when it needs to be fixed. I don't have the patience for that when I can take a couple of classes or so and learn how to do it myself. To this extent, I've also put on my list that I am going to face my fears. There's not that many now but if I can face them and get some new fears, I'll be happy. There's one fear, though, that is not on the list. It's not there because I don't know how to face it. That fear has two parts and facing it is going to have to happen naturally.
The list has me excited for what's to come. I may take the rest of this year off as a "gap year," so I can get other things together. I'm so pumped, though. This may be my best decade yet.
March 25, 2015
Page 84: Some Ramblings
Today, I bought a book full of envelopes for my future child/ren. Being a mother has been on my mind since I was a pre-teen and it's the only thing I've never backed up on. The number of children has changed. I once wanted six, just like my grandmothers had, but I realized how much work that would be. I reduced the number to four, two boys and two girls. That's the number I stay with for the most part but I would be happy if God gave me one boy and one girl. I don't want to just stop at one because I'm the middle child and I know the pros and cons of having siblings. I've seen what it was like for my mom to raise three of us and even though it was hard, I never hated my childhood.
In terms of the book of envelopes, I have to figure out just how many letters I'm going to write and who I'm going to write them for. I would like to write letters to my firstborn, but I wouldn't want to leave any later children out, no matter how I have them.
I've looked at wedding photos and even though it hasn't been a year since Tym died, I'm slowly coming to a realization that I would like to get married again. My mom was always married to my father and when he died, that was it. However, she had three children that were 18 and older and she was in her late 40s. She had lived her life and if she were to remarry now, I think I would support it and her new husband as long as she was happy. I'm not planning on getting married tomorrow, but it would be nice to do maybe five years down the line. It would give me a chance to have the wedding I never had and have the marriage and relationship I never knew I wanted until I was married.
I want a Godly man. I want someone who believes, loves and fears God as much as I do. I also want a homebody. I want someone who is satisfied with sitting and reading with me or just watching television and drinking hot chocolate. I want someone who loves to cook and loves when I cook. I want someone who will love our children as much as I do. I want someone who has a kind sense of humor and is full of kindness and joy and contentment. I want a husband that works hard at everything he does but will appreciate that I also work hard at everything I do. I know that God has that man for me somewhere and after some time, I will be so happy when we meet.
Suddenly, I've gotten back into cooking. I think that this is because I've used my DSLR camera more. Why those two are interconnecting, I'm not sure but I have plenty of cookbooks to work from.
Speaking of books, I returned a number of Kindle books to Amazon yesterday because I had a lot of them in hard copy form. The amount I got back was astonishing. It wasn't because Amazon was being kind enough to do it, though. I was astonished because I actually spent a horrific amount of money on Kindle books. After that happened, I felt bad and set out to purge unnecessary things from my possession because it was ridiculous (nearly quadruple digits) that I had spent that much on books that I hadn't even read. Tomorrow, I'm getting rid of some movies and television shows I own on DVD and Blu-ray.
Update: Still have not done this...
In terms of the book of envelopes, I have to figure out just how many letters I'm going to write and who I'm going to write them for. I would like to write letters to my firstborn, but I wouldn't want to leave any later children out, no matter how I have them.
I've looked at wedding photos and even though it hasn't been a year since Tym died, I'm slowly coming to a realization that I would like to get married again. My mom was always married to my father and when he died, that was it. However, she had three children that were 18 and older and she was in her late 40s. She had lived her life and if she were to remarry now, I think I would support it and her new husband as long as she was happy. I'm not planning on getting married tomorrow, but it would be nice to do maybe five years down the line. It would give me a chance to have the wedding I never had and have the marriage and relationship I never knew I wanted until I was married.
I want a Godly man. I want someone who believes, loves and fears God as much as I do. I also want a homebody. I want someone who is satisfied with sitting and reading with me or just watching television and drinking hot chocolate. I want someone who loves to cook and loves when I cook. I want someone who will love our children as much as I do. I want someone who has a kind sense of humor and is full of kindness and joy and contentment. I want a husband that works hard at everything he does but will appreciate that I also work hard at everything I do. I know that God has that man for me somewhere and after some time, I will be so happy when we meet.
Suddenly, I've gotten back into cooking. I think that this is because I've used my DSLR camera more. Why those two are interconnecting, I'm not sure but I have plenty of cookbooks to work from.
Speaking of books, I returned a number of Kindle books to Amazon yesterday because I had a lot of them in hard copy form. The amount I got back was astonishing. It wasn't because Amazon was being kind enough to do it, though. I was astonished because I actually spent a horrific amount of money on Kindle books. After that happened, I felt bad and set out to purge unnecessary things from my possession because it was ridiculous (nearly quadruple digits) that I had spent that much on books that I hadn't even read. Tomorrow, I'm getting rid of some movies and television shows I own on DVD and Blu-ray.
Update: Still have not done this...
March 19, 2015
Page 78: Farewell, 29 (1 Day)
So, the past 365 days have been a whirlwind, to say the least. While I can't say that I haven't learned anything, I can definitely say that I won't miss being 29. 29 was hard and while it could be said that I have been at my most erratic this year, I gained strength from the toughest of times. The entire life I had created (through trial and error) for myself starting from when I was 22 crashed down on me, and I'm alive to talk about it. There used to be a time when I didn't even think I could wake up the next day if I wasn't earning money or my husband wasn't by my side. Oh, how far I've come.
I have an edge to me now. It may be perceived as cold, steely, bitter or hardened. I think it's all four. I can only recall one moment when I cried tears of joy this year and that was when I got my acceptance letter from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee right before I got off of medical leave from work. The rest of my tears were of sadness or anger or just all around frustration.
I nearly ended a friendship because of a sandwich. I've all but given up on my job when I realized that I no longer felt like it was home. My room is a disaster zone of stuff. I was starting the effort of getting off of all the medications I'd been put on in the past five years when I ended up being forced to take more stuff. My insomnia's a bitch and I literally cried at 4 this afternoon because I felt alone, tired, crampy and missing Tym. Still, this is probably the happiest I've been in almost a year. That is saying a lot but I would go through everything all over again if it meant that I have grown as much I think I have. To be honest, I worried that I wouldn't grow up at all. My mom thought I was joking when I told her my growth could've gone one way or the other. I wasn't.
I sit here now, a little more than an hour away from my birthday, and I can't manage to smile because I'm tired again. However, I am looking forward to the next 365 days as well as the next 10 years. I've said that a lot but it's true. I'm ready for this to be the most fearless and happiest time of my life (before my children come, of course). I have time for that, though. As for the rest of tonight and maybe tomorrow? I'm getting some writing done.
I have an edge to me now. It may be perceived as cold, steely, bitter or hardened. I think it's all four. I can only recall one moment when I cried tears of joy this year and that was when I got my acceptance letter from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee right before I got off of medical leave from work. The rest of my tears were of sadness or anger or just all around frustration.
I nearly ended a friendship because of a sandwich. I've all but given up on my job when I realized that I no longer felt like it was home. My room is a disaster zone of stuff. I was starting the effort of getting off of all the medications I'd been put on in the past five years when I ended up being forced to take more stuff. My insomnia's a bitch and I literally cried at 4 this afternoon because I felt alone, tired, crampy and missing Tym. Still, this is probably the happiest I've been in almost a year. That is saying a lot but I would go through everything all over again if it meant that I have grown as much I think I have. To be honest, I worried that I wouldn't grow up at all. My mom thought I was joking when I told her my growth could've gone one way or the other. I wasn't.
I sit here now, a little more than an hour away from my birthday, and I can't manage to smile because I'm tired again. However, I am looking forward to the next 365 days as well as the next 10 years. I've said that a lot but it's true. I'm ready for this to be the most fearless and happiest time of my life (before my children come, of course). I have time for that, though. As for the rest of tonight and maybe tomorrow? I'm getting some writing done.
March 18, 2015
Page 77: The Surprise Gift to Myself (2 Days)
I've wanted to travel for some time now. Although I don't have a lot of wanderlust, working for a travel company has given me the itch to really get out there and see the world. The last time I'd gotten on a plane was when I was on my way to Florida, and that was fun, but I had never traveled by myself. I also didn't partake in any room service in the hotel in Florida.
Room service and a pool in a hotel to me is like working brakes and steering in a car. It's pretty necessary and that I had deprived myself of the experience for almost all of my life is ridiculous.
I spent some time with my sister yesterday and even though I didn't get much out of it, I started to look for hotels in Milwaukee that had a pool (indoor because this is Milwaukee we're talking about) and 24 hour room service. All signs pointed me to only one hotel. I didn't think much of it at first but then, I came home and said that it would be nice to spend a few days at said hotel. My mom encouraged it and before I had finished my Chicken McNuggets, I was getting ready to book a room in a five-star hotel in Milwaukee. Then, I invited my sister to spend time with me there. At that point, it had become something that not only I was excited about but my mom and sister were also excited.
Today has been a whirlwind but a good one. I forgot a few things before I left and I have a raging headache. Still, I also ate room service twice, played around in a pool with my sister, showered in a shower closet and jumped up and down on my bed. Yes, I did all the major things a child probably does. Do I regret it? No! I've stepped out of my comfort zone and I love it.
What I love more is that I am here for three more days.
Room service and a pool in a hotel to me is like working brakes and steering in a car. It's pretty necessary and that I had deprived myself of the experience for almost all of my life is ridiculous.
I spent some time with my sister yesterday and even though I didn't get much out of it, I started to look for hotels in Milwaukee that had a pool (indoor because this is Milwaukee we're talking about) and 24 hour room service. All signs pointed me to only one hotel. I didn't think much of it at first but then, I came home and said that it would be nice to spend a few days at said hotel. My mom encouraged it and before I had finished my Chicken McNuggets, I was getting ready to book a room in a five-star hotel in Milwaukee. Then, I invited my sister to spend time with me there. At that point, it had become something that not only I was excited about but my mom and sister were also excited.
Today has been a whirlwind but a good one. I forgot a few things before I left and I have a raging headache. Still, I also ate room service twice, played around in a pool with my sister, showered in a shower closet and jumped up and down on my bed. Yes, I did all the major things a child probably does. Do I regret it? No! I've stepped out of my comfort zone and I love it.
What I love more is that I am here for three more days.
March 16, 2015
Page 76: An Honest and Fearless Life (3 Days)
A couple of days ago, I made this grand lament/declaration to my mom. I told her, as I was coming through the door from running errands, that I could've gone on some great trip while I've been on leave and I didn't. I said that I was so concerned that I would be doing the wrong thing because I am on medical leave and I shouldn't travel, so I didn't go. Her response was that it would've been wrong to go on a vacation while on medical leave but that I could go on a vacation any time I wanted because I was grown and I could afford it. She told me to plan it and go from there. So, I planned it and later decided that home would be best.
I have a running joke with my mom that I am honest more than 50 percent of the time. Lately, my honesty has ranged between 85 to 92 percent. I pride myself on being honest, especially these days. I don't worry much about how I may seem to other people. I've stopped being the person who is rude or inappropriate just to get a reaction, but I really value honesty. I really do. I don't think I appreciated it as much as I do now, but it's big for me.
I want to be as fearless as possible in my 30s. That's my goal. I'm going to succeed in that because I am learning a lot and gaining wisdom. I also have the privilege of being in good company with the friends and family I have. At times, I have no clue about living without fear, so it feels like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. Then, there are other times when I know that I've got it right. I want to strive to have that feeling all the time.
I say this a lot but change is coming. I can feel this strange itch, telling me that I need to keep doing the things I like and stop doing the things I don't like. I am going to have to make some tough decisions and be okay with it because that's the best I can do, but I know it is not going to be easy. I'm not that afraid, though. I can do it.
I have a running joke with my mom that I am honest more than 50 percent of the time. Lately, my honesty has ranged between 85 to 92 percent. I pride myself on being honest, especially these days. I don't worry much about how I may seem to other people. I've stopped being the person who is rude or inappropriate just to get a reaction, but I really value honesty. I really do. I don't think I appreciated it as much as I do now, but it's big for me.
I want to be as fearless as possible in my 30s. That's my goal. I'm going to succeed in that because I am learning a lot and gaining wisdom. I also have the privilege of being in good company with the friends and family I have. At times, I have no clue about living without fear, so it feels like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. Then, there are other times when I know that I've got it right. I want to strive to have that feeling all the time.
I say this a lot but change is coming. I can feel this strange itch, telling me that I need to keep doing the things I like and stop doing the things I don't like. I am going to have to make some tough decisions and be okay with it because that's the best I can do, but I know it is not going to be easy. I'm not that afraid, though. I can do it.
March 14, 2015
Page 73: Dreams (6 Days)
My sister's 34th birthday was today and we hung out for the first time in forever. It was short but really awesome. We don't spend much time together now that we're getting older and life is propelling us forward, but we had a really nice day.
Now that it's almost midnight, the last birthday of the year in my family (now) is mine. That means in 6 days, I will be 30 and I'll be entering a new decade of my life.
I had stated that I didn't want the final days of 29 to be sad or joyless and it hasn't been. I've done a lot of laughing, dancing, having fun and planning my future in the most minuscule of ways. The weather has been beautiful and I've been interacting with people. Madonna has pleasantly surprised me. I've been reading an old friend's new book and I'm thinking ahead to my beautiful future. I feel like great things are on the horizon.
Time is a beast. It either goes really fast or really slow. It leaves bruises or the best memories. In my nearly 30 years, I have my fair share of both, although the bruises have mostly come in the past 10 years. This upcoming birthday has me excited, but also nervous. I can't take many more time bruises but I could go for a whole lot of dreaming and adventure. I could go for more love than I can take. I could go for a baby or two. Best of all, I could go for some more faith and wisdom.
Now that it's almost midnight, the last birthday of the year in my family (now) is mine. That means in 6 days, I will be 30 and I'll be entering a new decade of my life.
I had stated that I didn't want the final days of 29 to be sad or joyless and it hasn't been. I've done a lot of laughing, dancing, having fun and planning my future in the most minuscule of ways. The weather has been beautiful and I've been interacting with people. Madonna has pleasantly surprised me. I've been reading an old friend's new book and I'm thinking ahead to my beautiful future. I feel like great things are on the horizon.
Time is a beast. It either goes really fast or really slow. It leaves bruises or the best memories. In my nearly 30 years, I have my fair share of both, although the bruises have mostly come in the past 10 years. This upcoming birthday has me excited, but also nervous. I can't take many more time bruises but I could go for a whole lot of dreaming and adventure. I could go for more love than I can take. I could go for a baby or two. Best of all, I could go for some more faith and wisdom.
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The majority of the photos and all of the thoughts on this blog comes from yours truly, so be nice and ask if something interests you. Okay? Okay.