Page 257: I Hope It's Not a Load-Bearing Wall

Yesterday, Meredith Grey bashed through her old life with a sledgehammer.

Okay, that is a bit of hyperbole, but I feel like Meredith was ready to start anew in last night's season 12 premiere of Grey's Anatomy. For a brief time during the end sequence of the show, I saw myself.

***

Welcome to your life. There's no turning back.

At around 3:30 am, I found myself crying and laughing at the same time.

I would be lying if I said that life since Tym's death has been easy. It's a constant cycle of change. Some days, I'm okay. Some days, I'm not. Whether I'm okay or not, I've pushed forward and continuing to live because there is so much that I want to do with my life.

I've been having bad dreams lately, dreams where I've been haunted by ghosts in almost a literal sense. I've dreamed about Tym. I've dreamed about my maternal grandmother. I've dreamed about my father. I wake up feeling panicked and sick and sad. It's likely that my stress has manifested in these dreams but I've never dreamed about my late relatives suffering like I've had this week. In an effort to fix this, I finally made a call to speak with a therapist again.

Going back to yesterday's episode of Grey's Anatomy, Meredith was pretty pissed with Amelia about putting a hole in the wall of the living room in their house. Of course, this caused conflict throughout the episode but there was a moment where Owen, dependable Owen, was almost caught in the middle of an argument between Mer and Amelia about the wall during a surgery. His response to diffuse the situation? He asked if the wall was load-bearing and then advised that the foundation of the house could collapse if it was. Again, the parallel between Meredith and myself and that damn wall was resonating.

In the past few months, I have really beaten myself up because I feel like I've made some really huge mistakes. I know that grief was motive, but that feeling of failure never goes away. When I'm not feeling like I'm a total fuck-up, I think about how far I've come in the past year. It probably wouldn't seem like I've made much progress but I think I have.

I've fully dedicated myself to school. I have struggles with wanting to go and having to sit through class and questioning if I'm even making the right decision. However, I am learning so much and my critical thinking abilities have improved and I've finally found a place where I feel like I can try to make a difference and satisfy myself at the same time. Yesterday, I had a wonderful lecture at school. Later that day, I had a conversation with my mother and told her that this is "my work." I discussed what the lecture was about and the new Global Goals initiative and said, "My work would include..." I felt really freaking successful in that moment.

In the meantime, I'm also looking for a job because I want to keep working on my studies and I'm going to have to start paying my tuition soon. I also have a lot of things I want to do with my life in general and while getting unemployment is great, I miss the astronomical amount of money I made biweekly when I was working (especially with the mandatory overtime).

I like that I'm moving forward and I want to keep moving forward, but I really do hope that I don't let my foundation collapse because I've destroyed a load-bearing wall. Since none of that is actually literal for me, it means that I hope that I can keep myself up without making myself sick or letting everything I am building right now fall apart. I like to think that I have a lot of time to do everything I want, but I'm still learning and maybe that's a good thing.

Page 240: My Conflict with My Conflict Resolution Course

I want to start this post off by saying that I am in love with my classes and I hope that this is indeed learning on my part. I hate hypocrisy with a fiery, burning passion, so it would kill me if I was a hypocrite or became one.

*

I am a person with a bad temper. I always have been. I was born with it. Seriously, I was 5 pounds, 8 ounces and screaming my little head off with my fist balled up when the doctors delivered me via c-section. When I've lost my temper, I've grabbed things. I've been involved in house-destroying fist fights. My mother told me at 13 that I would need to learn self-control after a particularly disturbing incident involving me, a baseball bat and a family member that was causing trouble, and what I would have done.

As I've gotten older, I've learned a lot of self-control and I haven't had a fist fight in about seven years. I've learned to keep my temper under a lot of control, even to the point of having to take anti-anxiety medication because all of that anger is turned inward and becomes nausea and panic attacks. If I find myself in a conflict, I shut down. I cut people off. They cease to exist. It works to an extent, so I can keep from doing or saying something hurtful and cruel because I've seen cruelty and I don't want to be a cruel person.

I've become very interested in trying to improve the world.  On the night that President Obama was elected, I told my sister, my husband and my mother that I helped change the world. Even though I am older and more realistic, I feel like I can do good. It gives me a sense of purpose. There's just something about writing that doesn't fulfill me and I see it as a selfish hobby, a selfish existence, at times. I don't feel this way about any writer except myself, but we're all our own worst enemies. To me, writers can change the world but I can't if I'm writing.

I want to teach. I love children and I feel like I could help them become great people, but even that's not enough for me anymore. I didn't realize this until I started taking the courses I'm in now. The courses enforced in me a feeling that I need to help change the world for the better. It enforced me a feeling that I've finally figured out what I want to do with my life, and maybe this is why I'm here.

There's a small problem that I've encountered, though.

My temper has come back and I am very angry.

It's been like this for a while now, on and off, but my Intro to Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies course has made me become aware of the injustices in the world and it's making me rage on all of the things that are problematic on a global and familial scale. I want to change things, yes, but I also want to solve the problems I'm having with violence. That is not resolving conflict or being peaceful at all. It's also against my faith, so this craving goes against a lot of things. I rant sometimes and it helps sometimes. Shutting down is pretty good, too. It keeps me from going ballistic. My attitude is problematic, to say the least, and I want to change it. It's just hard because it feels like all the wrong people doing all the wrong things have all the power and there's no way to stop them. I feel powerless.

My biggest goal at this moment is to become a better advocate for sustainable peace-building and I can't do that if I'm raging out. Maybe I'll take up boxing or something.

Page 222: Life, Death and Taxes

I find that I think more about mortality than I probably should. I don't really think I had done that before but with Tym's death, it feels like my time could come at any minute. I try not to think about it a lot because no one can predict the future (remember 12/21/12 and Y2K?) but that chill creeps up now and then. I can probably chalk it up to my anxiety and I should probably go back to seeing a psychiatrist, but it's there and I try to combat it as much as I can.

It doesn't help that there are so many deaths of young people of color, including transgender women, are prevalent these days. Part of the reason I'm trying to distance myself from Twitter before I can disappear for good from most social media (I like Instagram) is that it's all right in my face. It's hard to get through the day without finding out about some person of color being beaten or killed. There isn't a day that goes by where other people of color aren't fighting for the rights of the dead. Twitter is basically just a 140 character version of the news to me, emphasizing the overwhelming bad. It's too much and it makes me feel like my death is looming ever closer.

Living hasn't been much better, but I think it's improving. I force myself to think about life, my life and the future that I want, but I'd be lying if I said that I knew that my future would be exactly what I wanted. When I was younger, I took the easy route. I didn't want to go through all the hoops of getting into my dream school, so I went to other schools and spent pretty much all of my financial aid there. Now that I'm at my dream school, I don't even know if I will be able to afford to finish there. I rushed into a relationship with the first guy I ever fell in love with because I was head over heels for him. I rushed into a marriage that only rushed our separation and now, he's dead and I'm contemplating how to tell the next guy I meet that I'm a widow because I'm worried that he will always be a shadow looming over all of my next relationships.

I want to live. I want children. I want to graduate college,  I want a great job.

I think about how long I'm going to live. I'm worried that I won't/can't have children. I don't think I'll be able to graduate college and I worry that a great job won't allow me to have the time to work on my academic career.

I'm also in more debt than I was before Tym died.

Being on a limited income doesn't allow me to figure out where I'd even start with paying off my debt. I want to pay them down, because I loved having credit cards and having some financial freedom and not having to worry about my cell phone and never being in the negative, but I now have to also pay for insurance and find a way to pay the IRS because I still owe them.

I want a job again. I'm working towards working, but -- and there's always a but -- I don't want to fail my upcoming classes and a part-time salary is not going to help me move forward with paying down my debts. I also don't know how to side hustle anymore.

Then again, I was never a side hustle kind of person.

There are things that I am hopeful for, though. There are a lot of things, really. I get to go to school this semester and I didn't think I would be able to. I start in two weeks and the news made me the happiest I've been all summer. I am getting job interviews over the phone but people are interested in me working with them. These things are small but to me, they're important and it gets me to think about being alive a bit more than being on Twitter.

Maybe this is hope. Hope, to me, is what determines who is alive or not. People who want to live find hope in many things. People who either want to die or have resigned themselves to a short life think that hope is pointless. Hopefully, I can just figure out all the things that are bothering me now so I can live a little more freely than I am living now, but I choose to live.

Page 102: Still Getting There

For the past nine months, if you didn't know, I've been in a state of recovery. My husband, who I was living apart from, was killed in a road accident back in July. I've jostled with crying and being angry and spending the first week or so in a fog, trying to figure out when I should return to work and why it all sounded like the dumbest thing in the world. I thought it would be over quickly, just like I thought I got over my father's death at 21. It wasn't.

The biggest difference between my father's death and my husband's death was this: I was shielded the first time. My mom and my sister (mostly my sister) dealt with the funeral and all that good stuff. Then, life just kept coming so the grief process didn't last that long to me. Now, it feels like forever. I've dealt with the cremation, autopsy reports, what to donate to other people and science, death certificates and life insurance things as well as trying to work on things like getting back into school and trying to keep my job and medical leave. It sounds really boring but when you've never had to do it, it really drains the life out of you.

Now, I laugh more than I cry and the sun is still marvelous to look at, but I'm still not where I want to be. I saw a psychotherapist for a time after my husband's death and one of the first things I told him was that I wanted to be normal again. I'm still working towards that goal. A lot of times, I feel like I'm getting there or I'm already there. Other times, it feels like I'm in a maze I'm never going to get out of.

I keep expecting it to be like a movie, where I travel somewhere and meet quirky characters who will tell me about my husband's secret history and I either fall for someone new or leave with a renewed sense of purpose. I imagine the montage of me working hard and doing things that make me feel better and guys, it is not that at all. Instead, it's feeling depressed and sobbing for over 15 minutes while Sia's Elastic Heart played over and over (don't ask). Sometimes, it's watching a horror movie that ends ridiculously and then wanting to watch something that would give you a visceral reaction. Other times, it's being so angry that you want to grab a golf club and start bashing some windows in.

I'm not where I want to be, and I want to be there so badly. I'm going to have to let go any expectations I have of snapping my fingers and being okay in an instant. It's not easy but it's the least destructive option I have right now.

Page 96: Liebster-ing Again

I was not nominated for a Liebster award but Erini at Adorkable Me did an open call-out after she was nominated, and she had some really good questions that I wanted to answer. Also, I thought that this would be a good return to blogging after taking most of last week off to celebrate Holy Week.

If you're not familiar with the Liebster Award, here's the general rules: If you're nominated by a blogger, you answer the 11 questions that they have posed and then nominate 11 more bloggers for them to answer 11 questions that you have come up with. The cycle continues on and on until it doesn't. You can, like Erini, nominate anyone who wants to do it, too.

Anyway, on to the Q&A.

1) What’s one thing that you collect, and tell me about a favorite piece in that collection.

I collect mugs. I really love mugs but I don't drink much tea or coffee, so they mostly sit and look pretty. My favorite mug is one that I bought at Barnes and Noble that has a really nice design of Paris on it. I don't like traveling, but the mug makes me smile.

2) What TV show do you wish they’d bring back (or never ever cancel)?

I love the idea that every one involved would love to bring back Roswell, but I know that's just wishful thinking and Katherine Heigl probably wouldn't want to. So, I'm going to go with more of a recent favorite and say that I wish that Ringer would come back. I loved watching the trials and tribulations of Bridget and Siobhan.

3) What’s your favorite brunch indulgence?

I'm not actually a huge brunch person, which is probably making some of the blogosphere faint, cry or both. I am a huge steak person, though. I don't eat steak often but I do indulge when I can. Steak and cantaloupe are two of my favorite foods in the world.

4) What subject/topic makes you so excited and happy that the rest of the world seems to slip away?

As of late, it's been the movie John Wick. The plot may sound really cheesy, but the movie is really good. It's actually better than it probably should be and I love it so much because John is talked about as if he's more awesome than Chuck Norris. It used to be Chris Evans (since I was 19) and my book, but you could also get me to get the rest of the world to slip away if you bring up horror movies.

5) What is your ideal morning?

My ideal morning would start with waking up surrounded by pillows or teddy bears. I would then wake up and eat some cereal and a bagel because I don't eat breakfast regularly. I would then wash my dishes and turn on a bit of Netflix (something light like The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) while I work on some homework or write a bit. I would then either go to work or clean my house before going on a walk or going roller skating. Otherwise, my ideal morning would look like Christmas morning, all the time.

6) What’s your favorite museum?'

I really love the Chicago Art Museum. I could get just wander around in there and not have a care in the world.  I went there with my husband the week before we got married and I was so happy there.

7) Salty, savory, or sweet?

Sweet. I like fruity things, although I love a good bag of Lay's potato chips or pretzels.

8) Online or Brick & Mortar? And if brick & mortar, do you prefer big chains/superstores, malls, or local?

I love brick & mortar. In terms of brick & mortar, I love big chains and malls. I don't live near many local stores, but I would explore if it was more accessible.

9) The internet, cable & satellite TV, cell services, and every computer, DVD player/VHR, movie theatre in the entire world are down for a day. (Basically no major electronic entertainment is available.) How do you spend your day?

Writing. I think that most of my writing is inhibited because of my constant access to social media and the internet. It's a time suck for me (and I have no discipline) so I'd probably get more writing done in that whole day than I have in a year.

10) What’s the one item in your closet that you would wear all day everyday if it were easier to wear the same thing every single day?

I have this Captain America  t-shirt that I bought at least two or three years ago, when the first Captain America movie had come out. I still love it. If I couldn't wear my Captain America shirt, I would probably wear one of my sleep-shirts all the time.

11) And my favorite question from NPR, what books summarize you?

I never read that many of the classics because I never felt motivated to and I dropped out of high school when I was 15, but I did read a lot of books. I don't feel like many of them summarize me as good as The Stand by Stephen King. This book is about a lot of characters but I feel like it summarizes me because it is a story about how those characters choose their own narratives after this big thing hits and they're given this really important choice. I was a person who made my life dramatic because I put myself in the hands of others, even if they didn't want to do it. I like to think I've chosen my narrative now that so many big things have hit in my life.

This is the part where I'm supposed to nominate 11 bloggers to answer my questions (which are listed below) but since I'm responding to an open blogger call, I'm also going to put one out. I'm nominating YOU; bright, beautiful you. Answer the questions and spread the word, pay it forward, make it fun. Here are my questions.

1. What was the best year of your life? The worst?

2. Give me a 30 second summary for your autobiography.

3. What would you want to be your last meal and why?

4. If you were an animal that was adopted by people, what animal would you be and what name would you want?

5. What would you tell your best friend right now?

6. What would you tell your worst enemy right now?

7. Tell me about the moment you were the happiest you've ever been.

8. You have five things in your refrigerator. What are they and could you make a meal with them?

9. Biggie or Tupac?

10. What would be a challenge for you today.

11. How would you want to be remembered?

 

Page 56: Recovery of Identity (23 Days)

Before the age of social media and before my marriage, my personality was a lot colder than one may imagine. To put it mildly, I was an Ice Queen to anyone I didn't know. Since my social circle was much smaller, I was cold to anyone beyond my home.

When I was in elementary and middle school, I tried to be nice and I wanted everyone to like me. I was teased mercilessly. In the little time I was in high school, I had an exclusive circle of friends, although I was friendly. I could fit in anywhere because I was a little quiet. By the time I turned 18, I didn't feel like trying to impress anyone or fitting in.  At 20 years old, the coldness had set in. Yet, I loved to be an overachiever.

With my first office job, I felt at home. I asked a lot of questions and waited to be molded into what my supervisors needed. That need to be an overachiever became a need to ambitious.

Then, I fell in love.

When I was married, I didn't want to be ambitious. I think it was because I felt like being ambitious would tap right back into that iciness but I worked hard at being a wife and going to school. I was content, relaxed and humbled (except in my extracurricular activities -- I tried to take those to the absolute limit). I became a little more ambitious with my current job but I also stayed humble. I never once felt like I was a bad bitch when I had high sales. I never once felt the pressure to do better. I was very content and I did my job as well as I knew I could.

It's been really hard to recover from Tym's death. I've tried really hard to keep going as if nothing happened but my confidence is not there. I am not relaxed except for when I'm at home. Even more so, I feel myself slipping back into my cold demeanor. I've relentlessly fired four cab drivers and told one that he was creepy (in my defense, he called me "baby" twice despite my telling him that I had just become a widow). I am unaffected by many things these days and I have contained a lot of anger. There is not much that can bother me or make me flinch, not after I poked at Tym's face while he lied in the cardboard coffin (which was much more alarming).

That's just the way things are.

Page 45: In Which Natasha Speaks Out

I had a whole blog planned about fear and current happenings in my life and just general stuff, but I think I need to do something that I don't do nearly enough: take my feminist out.

If you've been living under a rock or you're like me and it takes you forever to catch on to things, here's the long and short of it: A game developer named Zoe Quinn was outed as "sleeping around" on her boyfriend with gaming reporters and the like. The person who outed her, her boyfriend. This also coincided with the release of her game Depression Quest. Not too longer after, she started to receive death threats, was harassed and her credibility was almost shot to hell because of something that was personal and nobody's business.

Another woman named Anita Sarkeesian was later brought into this whole mess when she started being harassed and threatened with rape and/or murder. Later, a woman by the name of Brianna Wu was also brought into this whole mess, but I still don't know every single pertinent thing about this so here are some articles to get you caught up on this very interesting and ridiculous subject.

1. What is Gamergate and Why? from Gawker

2. The Death of the "Gamers" and The Women who "Killed" Them from Ars Technica

3. Men are still threatening to kill Brianna Wu from Marie Claire

***

Now that you're a little more in the now, here's what I think: What the fuck is wrong with people?!

Maybe this is something I'm out of the loop about because I'm out of the loop with a lot of things, but where is the fairness in any of this? Zoe Quinn allegedly had some sex with guys that are not her boyfriend. So? Did that give anyone license to hack into her information, harass her, threaten her? No! What she does in her bedroom is her business and while I may not agree with infidelity, I think someone needs to find this ex-boyfriend and do the same things to him that are happening to her.

As for Anita and Brianna, they should also give what they're getting. Wouldn't that be what is right?

I am a big proponent of fairness.

Want to know what upsets me the most about the existence of feminism? It's this: FEMINISM DOESN'T HAVE TO EXIST! Civil rights didn't have to exist. The fight for gay marriage, domestic partnerships, interracial marriage, transgender rights, women to choose what they do with their own bodies, etc. never had to even start if it wasn't for a bunch of men (and some women) thinking that they are the absolute authority of the people of the United States of America.

I thought this was a free world. I thought that the United States of America was democracy and we are "for the people, by the people."

Am I wrong about that? Did something change when I was taking a nap?

I met a woman online and this woman was very upset about how a show creator was making fun of Bruce Jenner and transgendered men and women in general. This show creator was the creator of Transparent, a show I have not watched and am not interested in watching. The woman who was very upset posted a blog post about how it upset her and I watched the fallout from the many comments on her blog stating that she's wrong, the editorials about her and other slanderous crap that she can probably sue for. By the grace of God, she wasn't threatened but the negative responses (especially from the so-called transgender "allies") were so appalling.

What happened to free speech? Is that selective now and I didn't get the memo?

Let me circle back to Gamergate while I'm a bit calmer.

Gamergate is one of the main reasons why feminism is so strong today. In a world that is so advanced in so many ways, some men have gone back to archaic thinking. They feel that women should be quiet and subservient and not talk back and not try to protect themselves. If the woman stands up for herself or another woman, she's threatened and harassed and goodness knows what else. Her character is assassinated and her credibility is shot. What's even worse is that there aren't a great deal of men lining up to support or protect them. That much is seen in the articles posted above.

What I feel like most people are forgetting is that women are human beings. That's what they are first. It's easy to look at the breasts and the vagina, and Kim Kardashian is gung-ho about showing hers, but we're still human beings. We have a brain. We have a heart. We have a skeleton and our make-up is just the same as men. The only difference is that we look like we're softer and we can get pregnant and we have breasts and a vagina, but that doesn't give anyone license to harass us.

My friend posted a tweet yesterday about a man asking her how to support a woman in the gaming and tech industry that is being harassed and when I read it, the simplest answer popped up in my head: treat a woman like a human being.

To be more specific, treat the woman like you would treat a man being harassed. There is nothing different about harassment or support. It's not gender specific. I would support my brother the way I would support my sister: acknowledge the problem, listen. speak up/out, protect, support.  There's no special woman-oriented formula. Just do it.

If you can't get on board with that, we don't need you.

There is so many shameful things that are happening and there are so many that are preventable with just the sound of people speaking up. Change has to come and it has to start now.

Page 35: In Which Natasha Gets Real

I, uh, I've been having sort of a visceral reaction to my job. It's weird, but I am no longer fond of my job when I'm not working and I'm happy when I'm there. My job and I are in a very peculiar relationship right now. That being said, I plan on leaving soon.

Before there is any overreaction, I know that it's really weird for me to be so in love with this job and then announce 15 months later that I'm quitting. Right now, this is just a plan. I have not turned in any notices.

I'm tired and when fronted with a choice between school and work, I'm choosing school because I worked hard to get into my school. I essentially spent my entire leave back in November working on getting into this school from spending money to get my transcripts to buying my transcripts to bringing them to the admissions office to dealing with financial aid to picking and choosing my classes. It was tough to do all of it, but it was really worth it. I love my classes and I'm happy going there.

My job hasn't become any harder than it was, but some of the people make it really hard to be happy there. On top of that, I'm just a little disillusioned. It feels like everything I'm doing is in vain. I don't want to get promoted. I don't want any prizes. I just want my work to be acknowledged and it's not. So, it feels like I'm not going to get much further there. That much was true when I got my $.12 raise. The funny thing is, it's really one or two people that has corroded any positive feelings with my job and it shouldn't be that way, but it is.

School and working full time are completely different entities, but I don't feel stifled at school. I'm not getting paid at school, but I can advance there. I can go there knowing that my work is being noticed by someone. I can be free there. I can be free at my job but only during my breaks and lunch time.

Right now, it's up in there when it comes to whether or not my feelings about my job will revert back to love and I don't like giving up, but I don't have much fight left. I want to save it for something that I feel would be worthwhile.

Page 27: 6 Months

I haven't actually been counting the days, but the date and time of the moment I got the call telling me of Tym's death is indelibly printed in my mind. Today, it has been six months since he died.

I can't say that life is the same as it was three months ago, a month ago, a week ago. I started school on Monday and while I only have one class on Monday, I felt very out of my element and I wished that I had gone in the fall, or transitioned differently. I was out of school for almost two years and now, I'm starting to feel it. Maybe I'm insane and I shouldn't have invested this much in school or I should have worked something out or I should have finished college years ago. Either way, I'm in the thick of something new and I have to adjust.

I've also been sick, nursing a cold or whatever. I don't get sick regularly, so it feels like this bug has latched on for dear life. Being sick leads to not thinking properly which leads to anxiety, and I have been a ball of anxiety. Work has not made it easy on me at all. I'm at a crossroads with my job and I don't think I want to stay there for longer. The rules are much too strict for the company that it is and the industry that I'm in. I love my job but I don't want to be suffocated by it. I don't want to lose opportunities to do great things. I don't want to faint or vomit while working, either.

I am astonished by how much I laugh and joke and am generally happy. There are bleak moments when I get sad or angry or my anxiety is off the charts, but I am happy on the regular. I think Tym's happy that I can still smile and be a small part of the person I was when Tym was still alive. I'm still not over the fact that I can't call or text him and bug him about something, but that will always be something that I have a hard time with. My grief comes in ebbs and flows. It's not constant, but there is some residual numbness that is always around.

Tomorrow's my little brother's 27th birthday and I'm trying to figure out the moment that he became taller than me with a deep voice and generally turned into an adult. I'm also trying to figure out when I became an adult, too, but I spend more time with myself so I think I know when that happened. I wish Tym was here to hang out with my brother and hang out with me. I wish he was here period.

Page 18: In Which Natasha Has A Routine

Once upon a time, there was a show called Grey's Anatomy and one of the characters was named Derek Shepherd. Derek was a neurosurgeon that was secretly called McDreamy, but he was really good at his job. In every one of his surgeries, he would say this: "It's a beautiful day to save lives."

Now, we're in reality and as it turns out, I have a small routine like this, in which I say/tweet this:

Nine times out of ten, this works and the day is, indeed, beautiful. I hadn't said or tweeted it in a while, though, and I found that I struggle just a bit more if I don't put this little ray of optimism out into the world.

It worked today, though. After having such a horrible Sunday last week, today was so much better. I was surrounded by my friends and having various conversations that trickled over one after the other. I even had two breaks and a lunch. I would have been adventurous and tried to write, but I didn't feel that ambitious.

It feels good to have a routine, keeping me going and keeping the optimism alive.

Do you have a routine?

Page 14: In Which Natasha Sees The Big Picture

I keep a gratitude journal.

I didn't plan on mentioning it, but I write a line of gratitude every day (or I have been for the past two weeks). It feels really good to reflect on the good instead of the bad or ugly, even if it is just one line a day. I bring this up because I think I see a bit of the bigger picture in my life and the lives of those closest to me.

There was a time in my life when I thought I would lose my family and at that time, I almost welcomed it. I felt like I had to cut ties and let myself be "free" but the opposite happened and I felt lost. If I had kept myself away from my small family of two siblings and a parent, I don't know where I'd be after finding out about Tym's death. They were the ones that kept me together, especially my mom.

When I was a girl (and I've probably mentioned this somewhere else), I wanted to move to New York. I thought that I would have a bright future once I got out of my boring hometown of Milwaukee, where I was teased and bullied and assaulted, and moved to New York City so I could live life as a journalist.

Then, I turned 25.

By the time 25 hit, my life was nowhere near the picture I'd imagined for myself. My husband had left for good and I spent my 25th birthday with him but he went back to his home and I went back to my home, where I lived with my mom. I was on the verge of academic suspension at a two-year college and there was no prospect of getting pregnant anytime soon, because I was broke. I didn't really start to appreciate Milwaukee until I started going to the library again. I would go downtown and spend hours at the library, checking out large numbers of books. Then, I would go to Starbucks and grab a drink. Downtown wasn't as magnificent as it had been when I was a child, but I had even more of an appreciation of it. Milwaukee had become home.

There are some people who need to move far away and find themselves, but I found myself right here where I was born. It was a great feeling.

My life is still not what I had pictured. I still live at home, I'm now a widow, and I still don't have a college degree. But, I am now going to my dream school (which my younger brother graduated from and my mom met my dad when she went there). I work at a place that I love enough to rant about. I think I smile and laugh more than I cry. I'm getting even closer to my family by the day. My mom is even getting closer to some of her siblings. So, my big picture may look pretty small now, but I love it.

Page 7: In Which Natasha Discusses Choosing The Narrative

Last night, I came home and started a conversation with my mother about a vast number of things. One of them was about my very (surprisingly) positive editorial review from Katie, my developmental editor. But, it suddenly turned into a hodge-podge of me talking about so many things, it's hard to truly remember it all. The most important part of the conversation I had, at least in my opinion besides the one I had about The Fault In Our Stars, cancer, AIDS, HIV and anti-nausea/anti-emetic medications, was about my favorite book in the world.

If you don't know what my favorite book in the world is, I'm telling you now. It's called The Stand and Stephen King wrote it. I'm not going to go too much into the summary of it because this isn't my writing/book blog, but the long and short of it is that 99 percent of the world are killed by a biological weapon accidentally unleashed by the government. The 1 percent of the world that's left start to have dreams about an old woman named Mother Abigail as well as a man named Randall Flagg. Mother Abigail lives in a small little house in Nebraska and leads the first group that comes to her to Boulder, Colorado. The people who goes to Flagg are in Las Vegas.

So, here's the part where things get interesting from my standpoint and what I explained to my mother last night: This situation could easily happen, even if you're skeptical about the dreams and believe it's fantasy.

If it could happen and you happen to be one of the 1 percent, what would you do? What direction would go towards?

My friend, Nicole, is a coach who is a big advocate for people changing their stories. She's a wise one, that Nicole, so I think that part of my thoughts are based on her ideas as well as my favoritest book in the world. As I told my mother, people are not inherently one thing or the other. Their lives are based on the decisions that they make. In the Stand, many of the people in Las Vegas especially were people who either lost their faith and hope after the world was decimated, ones that thought it was the better choice, ones that were drawn there and ones that just simply belonged. For the ones that thought it was a better choice than Boulder, where the people were equally flawed but had to work harder to become better people, I ask this question:

How many of us are in situations that are crappy because we had lost our faith or we thought it was a better choice than doing something harder?

I find this scene in the film Kingdom of Heaven (speech starts at 0:50) another example of choosing the narrative. In the scene, I connected most specifically with the moment in which the King tells Balian that when a man stands before God, he cannot say that his bad decisions were because of other people. This is my biggest belief in choosing the narrative. Although we may be guided to do certain things that are either right or wrong, it is ultimately our decision to do such a thing.

When we stand in front of God once we've left this world, there will be no one to blame but ourselves.

If you're wondering why I'm writing this and where I stand in this whole "manifesto," if you want to call it that, here it is. I decided to choose the direction of independence, so to speak.

Tym's death was a catalyst, but it's not solely why I'm making the decisions that I'm making now and it's not solely why I've made some of the decisions I've made since the end of July. I used to think that it was and I felt like if I leaned on the reasoning of being different because my husband died, I would be left alone. It was true but not at the same time.

Tym was a big part of my life, but he wasn't everything. We were separated and I had established a life without him. I started friendships, went through school and even had jobs without him omnipresent in my world. We loved each other but we always spent the majority of our marriage being in love with one another at different times.

Since then, and before, I've leaned on others to make the big decisions for me or tell me what to do. In some way, shape or form, some of those things did not work out. The only one to blame in the end was myself because I should have been the one to make the decisions. When I've made big decisions on my own, I went through many periods of struggle but I also saw the best moments of it as well. I didn't have to worry about making others unhappy or feeling bad because I didn't listen to their advice, but I also knew that I couldn't fall back on anyone if something didn't work out.

I want to continue in that direction.

It's not defiance or an act of rebellion. It's me simply choosing my narrative, following in my family's footsteps, going towards Boulder in a way.

Here's the big head-fake about this entire post, since we're at the end. I'm not giving anyone advice. This is not a post telling people how to live their lives. I'm in no position to tell anyone how to live their lives, especially because I'm still trying to figure out how to live my life. It's simply a conversation with myself that began as a conversation with my mother. It's a reminder that in the days to come before I turn 30, my life is simply my own.

All About Christmas Spirit

[caption id="attachment_17779" align="aligncenter" width="374"] My Christmas Tree[/caption]

In the time that I've been out of work, I've become more aware that away from my job; I am still very much struggling. I am not shiny and healed. I am still in the throes of grief and it still comes and goes. I still cry. I still have trouble sleeping and I am still angry about what happened and everything that went down after it happened. However, I also became very aware that I have a lot of friends and family members that are or were struggling as well. The struggles may be different, but the same struggle bus has been busy in 2014, my friends.

With an opening paragraph like the one above, anyone may be confused about why I would be discussing having Christmas spirit at all. From an outside point of view, I am sad and should be sad, angry and the like. My friends should be sad, angry and the like as well. That statement may be true but in the case of me, it is not. I am full of Christmas spirit and even though I do cry and I'm still angry and I am grieving, I am also full of joy and hope and determination.

So, why am I full of Christmas spirit?

I could answer this question with one explanation, but that would only be part of the reason Christmas has me happier than I was when I was a child. It wouldn't expand on the bigger picture, so I am going to discuss my thoughts and reasoning in a few paragraphs.

I am full of Christmas spirit because I've learned how to appreciate what I have. That appears to be quite sad that I am finally grasping this at almost 30, but stick with me here. I've always been grateful for the gifts I've been given, even though there was a time when I was not. As I grew older, having gratitude allowed me to have perspective and when I saw the world from my perspective, I realized that I had it pretty great and I still do. This year, though, tested the limits of my appreciation of things. I learned that, to be perfectly honest, I am able to do anything I wanted (and I mean anything) and still be unhappy. That still may be the case, but I had to learn to appreciate my life and what has come with it in a different way. I had to learn to see everything from a "big picture" aspect. It's still a work in progress.

My family and their unwavering support of me has also put me in the Christmas spirit. Nothing brings family together like a tragedy and while my family has always been quite close-knit since we're so small, my family has surrounded me these past few months. My mother, in particular, has been my rock and my anchor. She's been working hard to make my life easier, even though I still don't follow everything (sorry, Momma). My chosen family (aka my friends) have also been beacons of support and love during the past few months. When I feel down, I think of all the love and support I've been given and that makes me happy. Yes, that is a total cliché, but I don't care.

Let's also talk about perspective. I've gained a lot of it. I may have lost my husband but two of my work family members were also hospitalized, one with gallstones and the other with a brain tumor and high blood pressure. One of my closest friends is going through a lot and she's still managed to shine and do her best. I also have friends who have dealt with or are dealing with financial issues and health issues among other things. Trying my best to support them and encourage them takes my mind away from my own problems, which goes into the next reason.

Christmas presents. I've been able to give my loved ones some really awesome gifts and care packages as well as things that nobody has seen coming. When I started my job last year, I was still trying to figure out bills and the like but this year has been different. I have my tree (as shown above) and I've gotten really nice gifts for my siblings as well as my mother (most of them they've already opened). I've also been able to put some care packages together for a few of my friends because they were the ones that were the most loving and the most worried about me. I can't ever make that up to them but I hope the care packages work. I've spent the past three years trying to create the best Christmas possible and at least gift-wise, I'm succeeding. It's completely superficial but giving is better than receiving and I'm a firm believer that there are no selfless good deeds. I really love the feeling of surprising people and that is definitely not selfless.

I'm saving the best for last here, but my faith has definitely given me the Christmas spirit. I've been really holding on to God for dear life during these last three and a half months and He's really come through. I'm sane and still employed because of him. Sure, becoming a widow is enough to lose faith but it was almost the complete opposite for me. I held on tighter because of my mother, who taught me so much in the past 8 years since my father died, and I'm doing well and happy at least 60% of the time because of my faith. Now, my faith in people have wavered a bit but that's okay because that means I trust God that much more. My surrogate little sister sent me an email the other day and she said it best when she wrote that she felt hope, and it was hope that was born in the manger that night. So, I guess when I think about my faith, I feel hope.

So, you've made it to the end of this manifesto about having Christmas spirit. Congratulations. You've won $100!

...

No, you haven't but I hope I got you there for a moment. I would like to know if you're dealing with some adversity and how you're managing having the Christmas spirit through it. Shoot me a line in the comments.

Four Weeks

As of 11:47 am, today officially marks four weeks since I got the call from the police that Tym had died. I was at home when the first week came. I was at work for the second and third weeks. Now, I'm home again but today, I was actually on a walk and managed to surpass waiting for the minute to hit like I had since my phone first started vibrating with the unknown phone number.

I've been going through a lot of moments where I take three steps back after taking two steps forward. Now that I am seeing someone about the grief, I think that may be helping or I'm just more receptive to talking or I actually feel like I have something to see a therapist about. The biggest struggle I've had this week has been with my job, though. I already mentioned that it's been hard to function without being so emotionally and physically drained when I go to work, but getting the paperwork done and correct to take time off is a whole new beast. I've been at this job for over nine months and I want to be there, but I don't know if it's harder because I've never experienced grief like this while working or if I can't be at work because that's where I was when I got the call. That's the struggle that I'm currently focusing on because I would like to make it to a year there. I love my job so much, but I feel like I have no strength to concentrate on it.

Today, I started believing that Tym is giving me small gifts from above. I was at McDonald's when a girl randomly gave me a free ice cream cone. I was finally able to find a way to download a game that I've spent days trying to download via CD. I've been in tears when I hear someone telling me things so clearly, it's like someone just whispered them in my ear. This may sound hard to believe, but I believe it's him, and maybe my father, and maybe my grandmothers...or just God. I have some serious love up there in Heaven.

Tym also gave me a big gift as well, one that has been the source of my tears the last couple of days.

The day or so after he died, I got a call from his job that he'd had life insurance and I was the beneficiary. I was already aware of this (and let me know if you've read this before), but I told him many times that I didn't want to think about his death because that's just morbid. Anyway, I was notified and I felt like it is what it is. It wasn't going to bring him back, unless a time machine could be built with the money, so I am grateful but not enthused about it.

I got the letter yesterday that stated that the claim had been approved and the amount is being sent to me in a matter of days from now.

With this news, there's been some shock and anger at him for putting a price on his life (although I did the same thing with mine -- don't tell my mother). There's also been guilt and anger at myself for not believing him and confusion because I don't know what to do with it except pay for his memorial service (since he's been cremated).

This is all very new to me because when my father died eight years ago, there wasn't any inheritances. My family and I actually went homeless after he died because it was very unexpected and he was an owner/operator with his semi. My maternal grandmother also did not leave anything when she died. My paternal grandmother left her house behind but there was some infighting over it. I think that house has been torn down now. Tym once told me that he inherited some money from his paternal grandfather but he didn't spend it wisely and regretted it. If anyone has ever gotten an inheritance like this, I would like to know how to deal.

Time is passing, but it hasn't healed any wounds. I still miss him as much as I did when he decided to move back to his parents' home. His death still breaks my heart. I've gotten better at dealing with the everyday things but I still have a way to go.

The Only Way Out is Through

My younger brother rolled his ankle a couple of days ago when skateboarding. Today, my sister took him to get it looked at and by her play by play discussion with me, she described how much pain he was in and how he was recommended by the doctor to take some Advil to feel better. When she told me that, I grimaced and tried to figure out why the doctor didn't give him something strong so he could at least function. The conclusion that I came to is that the doctor didn't want to make my younger brother to exasperate the pain by masking it. He simply would have to feel the pain in order to heal.

It's been a little over three weeks since Tym died and the best way that I can describe how I feel is okay at times and not okay at times. It's still coming and going. I started seeing someone last week about the grief, but my body is also going through the grief process like I've read would happen. My blood pressure spiked ridiculously high last week and I've officially decided to take a leave from work because functioning like I had is not happening. I've started reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair by Anne Lamott and God Will Carry You Through by Max Lucado. I started going through the things I had of Tym's and rid myself of some of the things he shouldn't have had. I alternate between laughter, anger and sadness in a span of minutes. I have literally stopped talking to someone who refused to protect a sandwich of mine at work when I had to leave early due to said blood pressure spike. I'm functioning at about half of the amount that I used to function.

I first thought that I didn't have the right to grieve as much as I am because I didn't see Tym every day and we were physically separated by geography, but here's the thing about that: I loved him. He was my first love and I loved him so much and it was so consuming that it took me years to function properly after our separation. This time is no different except that I can't call him and scream at him about how he shouldn't have left me behind. The anger, the sorrow, the general confusion; it's all there. Just yesterday, I found myself laughing over my sister arguing with my mother about how I should have a daiquiri to feel better because I was in a bout of uncontrollable crying. I was literally laughing and then crumbling back into tears again.

I've mentioned many times that my father died when I was 21, but I don't know that I ever mentioned that my parents were separated at the time. Still, my mother felt the grief because she'd spent almost 30 years at that time with him in her life. My mother still admits that my siblings and I are the reason why she's still going, especially since her own mother passed away less than a year after my father.

I'm using my mother as my anchor. Even when I first heard of Tym's death, I knew that I was going to need her because she knew what it was like to being a widow. I try to take my cues from her and then find my own way. I try not to numb myself too much and it helps that my mother encourages me to feel what I'm feeling at that time. There's been a lot of anger and yesterday, there were a lot of questions I knew I couldn't get answered because I found a lot of gift cards in the little of Tym's belongings that I brought home with me and all but one had never been used.

I thought I had gone through some hard things but this is, by far, the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I still have to go through it, though. My mother cried earlier and said that she wished that she could make my pain go away. I told her that she couldn't and the only way that I could feel better is if I get through this.

I heard somewhere that the only way out is through, and I understand that now more than anything else. This feels like a never-ending maze of hell, but I am determined to get out on the other side with as much of myself intact as I can. I have to get through.

August

We're more than halfway done with the year. Where did the time go? Was I working that much? Was I so concerned with trying to juggle life that it's passed by so quickly? Wasn't it just March or something?

I wished that July ended on a better note. I really do, but no time machine has been built (yet) so I have to take what I can get. Some moments are not as hard as the others. I think I ran out of tears because I don't think I've cried at all today. I did laugh, though. I've been pretty much distracting myself with YouTube, movies and other things. I also set some appointments and called about things concerning Tym, like getting a copy of his death certificate and stuff.

It's been less than a week but it feels like months have passed and sometimes, life is insanely slow and I'm surprised when I look at the clock and an hour has gone by. I still zone out in places and I generally worry that I'm going to freak someone out. That's how life is lately.

I'm going to have to adapt to this new normal. This won't happen quickly, but I'm afraid that I won't make it out of my grief. There's this really dark place I tend to go to and getting out of it is not easy. There's a part of me that wants to make people feel uncomfortable and a part of me that is following up on issues I had put aside. Today, I was thinking about some of the people I notified and how I notified them when I was at Wal-Mart. I was satisfied about how I told them and I still don't feel bad about it. My mind is going to places that I thought I had closed for good, the kind of anger that I had when I first moved back home almost five years ago. I think that at times, I'm more dark and twisty than Meredith on Grey's Anatomy. I don't want to get out of control.

My nine month job anniversary is on Monday, which is when I'm supposed to return back to work. There's some general nervousness about how I'll handle being there. I really hope that I don't get anymore calls telling me that someone else died. Other than that, I'm just going to have to take one day at a time.

Volume Two

[caption id="attachment_16606" align="aligncenter" width="256"] Sorry for the semi-blurry photo.[/caption]

My life line is completely severed. If you believe in palm reading, you can clearly see in that picture above that my life line has severed near the top of my hand.

It was not originally like that. I was not born with my life line that separated. It began to split shortly after I turned 12 and now, there is clear separation there.

I was in the middle of a conversation with my mom when I noticed it. She then showed me her hand and clear as a cloudless sky, her hand had the same going on with her life line. She told me that her mother was a little freaked out when my mom pointed it out to her. My mom wasn't surprised. I'd been through a lot very young.

If I really think about it, my life up until last November was a whole unstructured kind of chaos. I've made it through at least a couple of (literal) life and death situations. I've gone through the gamut of employment extremes, from employed to unemployed to freelance to nothing at all. I got married and separated in a span of maybe five years. I've lost people near and dear to me. I've lost myself. I've also gone to school for years after a seven year gap of not going. I mustered up my all to get very important things done and burned myself out. That's not even everything, but my life has been worth that slice in my life line.

Back to the conversation with my mom. She and I were talking about chapters in our lives that have ended and how we go on to creating the new chapter. I was being a little facetious when I told her that I'm already on volume 2 of my book of life because of all the things I've seen, done, thought and experienced up to that point. My mom, on the other hand, told me that she thought that I had so many chapters in my life that I would already be on volume 2. That got me to thinking about what I would want this volume of my life to be about.

I'm 29 and I have so much that I want to do. Thanks to my job, I think that a lot of things I want to do is going to be feasible. I work in the travel industry now, so it's possible for me to begin to examine my wanderlust and see if it is something that I could want for a long time or if it's something I want to do sporadically. Outside of my job and travel, there's a lot of things I need to evaluate and reevaluate about myself. I think that's necessary.

When I entered the "real" world, I was 22 and had no idea of how to navigate my own life. I soon got married and I thought that I didn't have to go through this world alone. Then, that ended and I moved back home with my mother, semi-broke and brokenhearted.  Being brokenhearted and unsure of myself caused a lot of problems and led me to therapy and medications and diagnoses and just being angry and sad. It was not easy. I spent a lot of the time trying to distract myself with school and it worked until I just burned myself out. Last year was one of the first times in years when I just stopped and felt like I needed to just hide from the world. I left school for the first time in almost four years and without a job or a plan, I hid as much as I could. I went to the library, but hid otherwise. Hiding serves its purpose but I still need to reevaluate what I want as an almost 30 year old and I don't think hiding is something I want to do.

Speaking of things I want to do, I have a lot that I need to do in terms of getting back on board with life in general. Like hiding away from the world, hiding behind things and people also seem to be a trait I have when I get defensive but I need to push past that and get going. I want to make the second volume of my life my best one yet.

To the Faithful (and) Departed

I finished my first class with a B-. Even though I thought the class was redundant, I still powered through on the last night of it and managed to pass with a B-. It's not my best grade by a long shot, but I still feel very proud of it because working full time poses challenges academically that I haven't had in years.

Speaking of work, peak season still rages on and will continue to do so for a few more weeks. However, it's slowly taking us down and bringing us to our breaking points. My four month work anniversary was on Tuesday, and I can still see how far I've come from when I first started. I've learned some great things and I continue to learn and love my job, but I had a crying spell on Tuesday because I was so exhausted. One of my work brothers went to the hospital temporarily for pneumonia because working weeks at 12 hours a day weakened him. People have started quitting and one of my work sisters may be one of them. All of us in the office are being tested to see how much we can take and I know I can take it to the end but when the dust clears, those still left will be a little more battle-worn. I forgot how challenging being in the real world could be and the challenges make me stronger, but I think it also adds more chips to my heart that will harden me that much more.

Speaking of the real world, my sister and my ex-husband are also in a similar boat. My sister's stress has taken her to places that she never went before, places I have been. It's strange seeing her go through something I went through almost five years ago and I go into denial because I can't imagine it happening to her, but it has and I'm being as supportive as can be right now. That support goes a long way. As for my ex-husband, he will never be able to run or play basketball again. He's been having back problems for a long time but last year, he had surgery for extreme pain that was going into his leg. That surgery either didn't work or made it worse and he's going to have another surgery this year to take the pain away. He will never have full strength in his left leg again. I know that everything will be okay but it's still painful to be an observer of their struggles.

Despite the struggling and the stress, I was dancing on my way home last night. I was happy. I had gotten rest on my day off. I'd had a good day. I have given up expensive lunches for Lent so the sandwich I had from Subway kept me pretty full and energized. I have new eyeglasses and my relationship with my family is at its best. I still feel so blessed. It's a constant feeling I have now. It can be easy to feel this way and forget about everyone else's struggles and pain. It can be easy to feel so self-absorbed and I have been in that place before, living my life and not too concerned about anyone else while they're not doing so well. It's different now, though. I feel connected to myself and my loved ones and it feels right to live my life and still look out of them. This is still my time of learning but when it's done, I will miss those who have fallen.

life maintenance: the 2014 plan

As of January 2nd, I will be returning to my therapist.

Things have been going very well for me since I started working again, but that is the exact reason why I know I need to go back to seeing my therapist. It is all too easy to throw something like this to the wayside because I feel like things are good. The overwhelm, frustration and all of those negative thoughts and feelings are just waiting to attack, though. I've already had a couple of days where I struggled and took it very hard. On top of that, taking medication is good and fine, but it doesn't help me if I'm taking the medication but nothing has changed. I had gotten to a point with my doctor where I told him that I wanted to get off of everything I'm taking for my anxiety/panic attacks, and there hasn't been a plan put into place for that to happen.

To reiterate, my life is at an all time high but I feel like I need to reinforce methods and behaviors that will combat any slip-ups or downfalls. I call this "life maintenance."

This year, I didn't do enough for my health and when I did, it still wasn't optimal. I didn't visit my dentist nearly enough. I missed quite a few appointments with my former therapist and my current one. My diet wasn't the best because I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. I also didn't rest enough. Part of my life maintenance will be to reach a level of healthiness that I feel is acceptable. That means cutting back on junk, eating more full meals, reducing my medicine intake and being as active as possible, as well as making medical appointments and going to them. One of my job's core values is wellness and I most definitely want that to be my top core value as well.

(There's a fantasy that I have where I can wear a swimsuit like Amy Adams' swimsuit in American Hustle so that is also why wellness is a big thing.)

Another aspect of my life that I'm doing maintenance on is my finances and time priorities. Now that I have stable employment, I know what I'm getting paid and when. I was overwhelmed with the holiday season but I have a savings plan that begins in mid-January already in place. I have an established amount that I want to get to and I plan on hanging on to that set amount for as long as humanly possible. I also have a list of things I need and I hope to get each thing in a sequence throughout 2014. Bills are top priority and they will get paid with every check, if there is anything due. I do fairly well with not spending a lot on things that I don't need, but I want to do better.

I receive about three hours of time off every two weeks that rolls over to each year, but my job's peak season is January-March. I don't plan on taking much time off outside of the two days I have scheduled off already, so I can save my PTO for a vacation or if I'm not feeling well. I also have two floating holidays that I have to use in 2014, so that gives me some time to really decide what I want to do with them. I have Wednesdays and Fridays scheduled off, so I want to use those days to get things done. I also want to use that time to spend time with my family and myself so I can go back into work fully rested and ready to do my job.

In terms of my faith and where it fits into my life maintenance, I feel like it's the only thing that really matters. I have nothing without my faith, I am nothing without my faith, and that is something that will always need constant maintaining. I want to find a church where I can attend a Wednesday service and I want to continue to make myself available for God to do His work. My faith may not be something I talk about all the time here, but it's the foundation of everything I am and that won't change.

As for goals, I have just one so far: learn to drive. Traveling is a thing that is going to be open to me since it's a part of my job and I still have to figure out living arrangements, but driving is one thing I want to master in 2014. Once I obtain my driver's license, I can decide whether or not I will drive every day. I can decide whether or not I will move to a place further out because at that point, I can buy/lease a car if I want to. To me, the driver's license is the one puzzle piece that determines the rest of the puzzle.

2014 is going to be a year of work, and that is just within myself. It's not going to be easy at all but my motto is going to be try hard and keep trying. That's the most I can do, but believe that I am going to do it and do it as well as I can.

(written on december 20, 2013)

slowly going along the path

Yesterday, I finished week two of training in the classroom at work. This upcoming week will be my final week in the classroom and then, my classmates and I will be going into what is called "greenhouse," where we'll start to get a feel for taking calls and being on the floor with the other specialists. It feels like the week dragged on at times, but it really flew by and I had no idea how fast this moment would come.

Sometimes, I think about what I would be doing right now if I didn't have a job, and I can't even imagine the desire to be in that headspace anymore. Earlier this year, I felt like being at home and resting was the perfect thing for me and it was. It was for a great amount of time but now that I'm working, I feel like I'm right where I need to be. I'm getting a really good challenge and meeting new people. I'm out of the house every day and in an atmosphere that similar to school but also immensely different. I'm living in a trial and error period and goodness, there's been quite a few errors, but I'm learning.

I still feel like I'm in a dream, even if that dream is to wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning to get an hour or so before I have to get ready for work. Having a job has awakened some dormant interests in me, though. During the first week, I wanted to write desperately, and that's still happening a bit. The desire is strong, though, and I haven't felt like that in a good long while. I also feel excited to start shopping again. At the end of last year and earlier this year, I actually felt depressed about going out and buying things. To me, it felt like too much work and I even ventured into online shopping in February, but I'm starting to feel giddy about it again. The fact that Christmas is coming and December is a three paycheck month makes my excitement just that better.

Life has not been perfect by far. Going out and buying lunch is just too much work for me. Winter is coming, and I need to start dressing for it. I also see all of the things and want to buy them so I can have them tomorrow. Then, there's also the itch of living on my own battling the itch of wanting to stay home a little longer because it's just really nice and comforting to have my mom with me and I can possibly buy all the things. Paranoia and perfectionism have been making themselves known. I miss Sonic with every beat of my heart. My pedestrian rage has come back, I'm really starting to figure out who and what is worth my time and money and sometimes, my bed feels like a comfy alternative to waiting for a bus in chilly weather.

However, I go into work and during that time, everything melts away. On that campus, I am just fine and I am happy. I am grateful and I feel blessed. It's like being a child in kindergarten learning my alphabet and a teenager in college whose knowledge is vast at the same time.

God has put me right where I want to be, and I couldn't be any more content.