Page 271: The Art of Reinvesting in Myself

Me, three years ago

 Three years ago, I took an interest in myself and decided to make improvements.

I went to the dentist and instead of him doing constant extractions, I asked him to repair my teeth. At the time, I thought that they were in such disrepair that they would all need to be removed. However, my dentist gave me fillings and allowed me to smile fully, as you can see in the picture above. I took some work but I paid my dental insurance premiums and did the work of getting to my appointments and letting Dr. Meinhardt work his magic.

After a huge fight with my mom that left us barely talking to one another and made me a wreck during the summer of 2012, I decided to start going to therapy. I did the work of going every week and being able to talk through all of my problems as well as allowing myself to take the proper medication to help my anxiety. I had thought that therapy was not for me after two horrible instances with doctors who either misdiagnosed me with every mental illness in the book or thought that I didn't take therapy seriously. I was able to express myself better without ranting on my blog or bottling it all up.

Despite all the things I still needed to work on like my marriage, money skills and the fact that I had no solid job, I was really proud that I had fixed my teeth and started to go to therapy and that made a huge difference.

A year later, I hit a major hurdle. I went into a self-imposed seclusion. I left school. I stopped going to the dentist. When my therapist from the year before had begun a new rotation and I had to see a new therapist, I started to lapse until I just wasn't going anymore. I barely went to the doctor and put off my hand surgery until September of that year. I got a new job in November, so I put my everything into that. Then, I didn't have time to go to therapy or to the dentist. My marriage had even gone from the sporadic visit from Tym to speaking solely on the telephone sporadically until he died last year.

For the most part, I spent the last months of 2014 working, grieving and spending money. I saw a therapist sporadically until he decided that he would not support my extended medical leave. I fired him promptly and didn't see anyone else until I saw a therapist once earlier this year. I never saw him again.

Despite the joy I feel that I'm in school and I'm studying something really important to me, I really feel...unhealthy (for lack of a better word).

My teeth have gone into disrepair again. I have more weight than my frame can handle and I now have to take blood pressure medication. I'm crying more than I did before Tym's death and probably during my grieving phase. When I'm at school; I suck back Wild Cherry Pepsi like it's water and my stomach has a hard time tolerating caffeine. My diet is nearly as healthy as I would like it to be and that's really disappointing because I really enjoy cooking and I am a great cook.

Mentally, I don't feel well at all. I'm not sleeping well. I've been having more panic attacks. I don't write nearly enough so I'm not really expressing myself that way. I hide away in my disheveled bedroom with the lights either dimmed or off, though my lights are so dimmed that I would be better off not having it on at all. I don't even listen to my music as much as I used to. I almost always feel trapped and powerless and incompetent. The dosages of my medication has increased instead of decreased.

It's really obvious that shit needs to change.

After getting myself this low, it feels pretty impossible to even think about where to begin but I guess that I'm acknowledging that there is a problem and I want to change it is a pretty big step. I know that there is a huge chance that Tym's death is part of why I've let myself deteriorate, but I don't want that to become an excuse that I'm using five or ten years down the line. It bugs the hell out of me that I am still grieving and it's only been a little over a year (and I know that it will take time, but I'm not a patient person).

I'm going to make some changes, though. If I could do it at 27, and that was a good year out of a shitty decade, I can do it at 30. My hope is that I won't have to do it again at 33 or 43 or ever because starting over all the time sucks. Now, though, I'm going to do it because I need to. I may not always want to, but I need to.

I'll start with therapy again, because I have a plan with that. I have an appointment in November and I'm going to go, whether I have a job or not, because I need my mental health to be in the best optimal condition. I'm going to make better choices with my diet, in hopes that I'll start cooking again soon. I have a slow cooker and I love that thing so much, so I definitely plan on using it again. I'm going to purchase dental insurance again because I really need to get my teeth worked on again and I like having wonderful front teeth or a nice set of teeth that I can flash when I smile.

I think if I can start with these things, everything else will fall into place. Great things are not easy things but they're necessary. I'm necessary.

Page 20: In Which Natasha Doesn't Do Sick

Two months from a milestone birthday, I've been brought down by something so small yet formidable: a cold.

I woke up at 1am yesterday with a really sore throat. When I get sick, a sore throat normally kicks it off. I didn't even have time to ponder if I was really getting sick or not, so I loaded myself with some cold medicine and went back to sleep. When I woke up at 8 am, I was down for the count and officially sick.

I left work early and took today off to recover. So far, much of my day has been sleeping and watching some of Penny Dreadful, but then I fell asleep again. I may have to take Thursday off as well because I don't think I'll be feeling better in the immediate future.

My sister, Michelle, has this uncanny ability of willing sickness away. All she has to do is deny it and she'll most likely not get sick. I do not have that ability. Instead, I sleep and try not to go fetal because I get colds every three years (except for in November and now). For the most part, I load myself down with cold medicine until I'm semi-comatose and then wake up feeling better.

Now that you know the plan, I'll be back in a few days.

The Bad Still Comes With the Good

For the most part, my days have been fairly good. Everything is still up for improvement but I've been generally doing well. The only problem is that the bad days feel worse than they should feel when the bad days come.

Monday is a great example of how one bad moment snowballs into a pretty crappy day. On my way to work, the bus driver helped a man with limited mobility cross the street and get to his next bus. This, in turn, made me late to catch the bus that would've brought me to work. Instead of waiting for the next bus, I spent $20 on a cab.

I came into work and did what I normally do. The day grew a little more bad when I ended up doing a follow up that lasted over an hour. After spending more time on comments, I went on my break. I went back to work early from my break...

Which is when I realized that I had come into work two hours late. Two hours!

From there, the day unraveled. I went into my break and then had to go to lunch ten minutes later. Then, I left work after 6.5 hours. I laughed it off for the most part, but it really got to me more than it probably should have. I really don't like being late and if I had a moment to myself, I probably would have cried.

After getting off of the bus from work, I was waiting for the other one and my phone fumbled out of my hands, landing screen first on wet and dirty sidewalk. I screamed and then picked it up as if the 5 second rule applied. After drying it off, I turned it on and then saw that it shattered towards the bottom of the phone that sent a diagonal split through the rest of the phone. I screamed even louder, like I was being murdered or saw a dead body.

Yesterday was almost as bad. I didn't feel good at all. I was sluggish and overly clumsy. I spilled juice on my desk at least three different times. My body ached. I thought I was coming down with a cold but the extreme fatigue was what got me. On top of that, everything got on my nerves and I just really wanted to get some sleep. I requested to take tomorrow off to regroup.

I haven't had days like that for quite awhile, and it sent me a bit into a frenzy because I'm now working and feeling like how I felt worries me. Not feeling well normally turn out to be just the beginning of something else and I really want to be well. I've gotten some sleep in and plan on just relaxing tomorrow in hopes of not having days like that again.

Overall, this was an eye opener for me. I've only been working since November and since then, I've been doing really well. It was bound that I would have bad days. Life is always like that: if there's something good, there is also something bad that comes with it. It's like a gift with purchase, but an eye opening one at that.

playlists and fuzzy socks

This weekend, my cold started to diminish and I ended up drinking a lot of fluids. Now, it's all but gone and I'm able to sit at my new work space without the body aches that made me want to lie down. On Friday, I spent a lot of time on cold and sleep meds, and I was blessed to be able to feel better by Saturday morning.

On Saturday, I spent the better part of the night working on my iPod playlist. I had restored it to factory settings a couple of weeks ago because I was too lazy to go through my songs and filter out the duplicates. After doing so, I basically restored one of my playlists and had been keeping only about 80-90 songs on it. The problem was that I had six other playlists with songs I'd collected and listened to whenever I was working on my book series throughout the years. I hadn't reconstructed those playlists yet but I felt guilty for not having the songs on my iPod so I just added them to my single playlist and 80-90 songs turned into 291 songs right now. When I finished, it was almost 11 pm and I had yet to eat so I've been tweaking the playlist yesterday and today as well. I also learned how to put my iPod playlist on my iTunes, so it's also now on Marco. I'm fairly proud of myself.

On Friday, I ended up with fuzzy pink and orange socks. I was half sleep and half sick when I bought them, but I bought the socks as part of a two pair pack. She ended up with the solid pink ones and I ended up with the striped ones. When I fell asleep with the window open (I know, stupid move); I woke up in the morning, threw on my favorite flannel gown and the socks only to go back to sleep and dream about Grey's Anatomy (which may or may not have struck some fan fic inspiration).

I had a nice text talk with my sister this weekend as well. I asked her about her phone and how much she liked it. She loves it! She was also telling me how much she likes cooking, which makes my cooking loving heart even happier. She and her beau, Bo, have been doing a lot of cooking at their home and she doesn't normally cook. She didn't even like cooking, so this is a big jump for her and I'm so happy. We also bonded over the early release of Pacific Rim on iTunes. I definitely got it, despite Charlie Hunnam being the human embodiment of Christian Grey. I don't know who else has seen Pacific Rim, but I loved it immensely. When it makes a wide DVD/Blu Ray/Digital release, I want everyone to buy it.

What I'm also loving is The Weeknd. I heard of him when I heard the new Sia song to The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Elastic Heart. I love that song, so I did some research and heard his song, Wicked Games, from his album Trilogy. It sparked my very sick (at the time) brain but then, I heard Adaptation from his new album Kiss Land. Needless to say, I'm a fan of The Weeknd.

thorn in my paw

Today was the third day of trying to function primarily with my right hand and it's been difficult. I'm not allowed to take off my wrap until next week and in the meantime, I'm wearing myself out with the struggle.

I've been dealing with some epic ineptitude in concerns of the pain medication I'm supposed to take, and it's because I decided to try a different pharmacy. That was a really bad mistake. Also, I was told that I needed a substitute for the medicine said pharmacy refused to fill because of my aversion to vicodin and it was substituted for -- wait for  it -- the exact same medication.  I literally quit today and started crying out of frustration.

I knew that there would be issues when it came to getting the surgery and I am still so very glad that I did it. However, I didn't expect to have a bandage wrapped around my entire hand that I can't take off. I also didn't expect getting the runaround with my medication. I wish that it could've been simpler. Simpler, simpler, simpler.

The good news is that my hand will be freed from its captivity in a week and I'll get to function fully.

I promise to write a longer, better post next time. For now, I can use some speedy healing prayers/thoughts/energy.

one small step for adulthood...

As I get older, I believe that the signs of adulthood is different with everyone. There's no right or wrong way to do it. My mother tried to tell me this when I was rushing to get to the altar five years ago, but I didn't get it. I didn't get it because I had yet to grow up. I had only moved away from home less than six months prior to my wedding and I knew nothing about being an adult, especially because I had my older sister and my fiance to do the adult stuff for me. This lesson didn't quite hit me until today, actually, five days away from my fifth (and last) wedding anniversary and the same day in which I had an operation on my hand.

It would be easy to say that my life has been complicated. I lost my father at 21. My husband left me. I live at home with my mother. All of these are good reasons for me to get away with a lot of things, including being treated like a child. I could be blanketed in pity and coddled until the cows come home.

But I'm not and I don't want to be.

Today, I was taken care of by a great doctor and great staff. I showed my gratitude a million times, but I woke up knowing that I needed to have this experience alone and I was fine with that. For someone who has been nervous and unprepared for an operation I had jumped into, this was big.

What I had on my hand was a cyst from the night I decided to bathe my pet Racer. He was having breathing issues but he had lice on him (which would not have affected me at all) and I didn't want him in pain. So, I started to bathe him, although he didn't like the water. He sank his teeth into my hand, which I knew was wrong because that had never happened before, and I had to shake him off a little. When he let go, my hand was gushing blood and he died. I ended up in a huge panic about my bloody hand and my dead pet, but more about my dead pet. I was given heavy antibiotics to take and everything was fine but I had to wait until the end of the year to make sure that my hand healed properly. It didn't heal correctly. Racer bit me almost sixteen months ago.

I put off this surgery for quite a while and I didn't think it was necessary until the cyst, pictured below, started giving off burning sensations through my thumb and became super tender. This is what it looked like.



Gross, eh? When I showed my brother, he instantly went "ew." So, yeah. It was bad.

Today, I went to the Orthopaedic Hospital of Wisconsin and immediately ate a bowl of Portobello Brie soup. Yes, it tasted just like the mushroom brie soup my brother had me taste, the revelation soup. Sometimes, I think that things like me finding this soup is a sign of good things. After eating, I was instantly brought into a room where I had to change into a hospital gown. Then, I met my nurses. One of them took my vitals and the other gave me an IV of antibiotics. Soon after, I briefly saw my doctor and then brought into the OR. It was the first OR I've ever been in. The other two times I was stitched up, it was in triage rooms in the ER.

In the OR, I laid down in the bed and was worked on. Then, they started to cut the cyst out while I talked everyone's ears off, and I talked about my writing. I felt nothing, except the anesthesia and the pull of the stitches. Once they were finished with that, I was brought to a recovery area, where I was given apple juice. I was offered toast or an English muffin, but I declined. Twenty minutes later, I was given my stuff, including a tote bag, my slipper socks, a shower cover for my arm and two reusable ice packs along with my discharge papers. Then, I got dressed and left. Soon after my surgery, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought two journals/notebooks. I've been in the business of buying pretty notebooks and a couple of them are from a partnership between Barnes and Noble and the Pratt Institute of Art in NY. Here are my latest purchases.

[caption id="attachment_15898" align="aligncenter" width="292"] Purchased on Saturday[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_15899" align="aligncenter" width="260"] Purchased today[/caption]

Although my new journals are gorgeous, I don't feel happy solely because I was able to buy them. I dealt with my first operation all by myself and I took another step into adulthood, or what my adulthood is. I also got some nifty swag out of it and ended up with this as well.

...as i know it, week #39

School...as I know it: I have two distinct feelings about school right now: excitement and dread. I'm excited to go to school, of course. I feel like I've become stupid even being away from school as long as I have. I am so ready to take some classes, it's not even funny. I miss teachers and classmates and having a reason to go school shopping, even though I am getting closer to 30 with every breath I take. I miss school and I am so excited to go back. However, there is some dread. Most of the dread comes from the fact that I am going into school with very limited financial aid and no job. Having a job means that I could at least put some money away for additional classes but being unemployed means I'm going to have to take things on a case by case basis. Also, I have nearly 84 credits and I don't know how many of them will transfer in so I don't know where I am academically. I don't even know what major I really want to study. So, commence with the dread, but I'm hoping that the excitement will overpower it.

Health...as I know it: I'm getting back on track with my health and it feels really good. I'm going to finally (finally) meet my new psychiatrist on Friday afternoon and I made some calls to get into an orthopedic specialist about my hand. I see a podiatrist next week and I will have a new OB-GYN in September. I have to find out when my next dentist appointment is and I'm looking forward to that as well because my teeth being restored to the fairly well condition that they are in now has been such a joy. I got the majority of the work done last summer, and I don't know if the lot of you ever really knew that, and they've been holding up pretty well. I am also getting impatient with my hand. It's totally my fault, but it's now getting worse and it's already unsightly.

Money...as I know it: I think that my money woes of the earlier half of this year are finally subsiding. I'm going to commence with saving because I have a lot of things I need to do, but I'm going to enjoy not being broke a lot more than anything else. Also, I applied to seven jobs on Sunday night and I'm waiting to hear back on six of them. I'm getting to the point where I'm not too picky about where I work as long as I work in general, so that's a plus. I think that my financial breaking point was when I went shopping with my sister last weekend and I couldn't buy anything because I was so broke. I already have issues with spending money that doesn't belong to me, but I'm super grateful I have family that shares. I do see my siblings' financial positions as challenges for me to catch up with. I don't think I want to do better than them, but I don't want to be the one who has to depend on our mom all the time. I want to help out financially!

Life...as I know it: Here's the thing. I always underestimate myself but I am getting to a point where I can clearly see what I want to do with my time. I would like to travel again. I'm one of those people who needs a year or two to really want to jump on a plane and go somewhere. If all goes well with my intended major, I'll be required to study overseas for a semester, so I'm going to give myself a year or two to prepare for that as well. I do want to go somewhere soon and I'm thinking that California may be the place I go.

I'm also super excited about finishing my book, since I'm only four or so chapters away from completing my rough draft. It took me almost six years to finish and now that it's almost over, I'm almost stopping myself from just rushing through it and writing something I know will be absolute crap. I don't even know what I'll do with myself once this book is finished. I haven't even thought of what I would do once the book is finished. Maybe it's time for me to start making plans.

on a path to...

It's a new month and I am so damn grateful that it is. June never treated me well and it continued its tradition last month, right up until almost midnight last night. Ugh. I'm so ready for July.

Although my having a crappy month was because of external sources and circumstances, I can at least say that the weather was lovely. I hope that it stays in the 70s all the way until September, because it is absolutely lovely. I also wore a lot of blue, so the sun didn't really beat down on me.

Yesterday, I returned to my beloved salads. I made a small meal of roast beef au jus and roasted red potatoes in chive butter sauce (both only heated in my microwave) as well as a salad, and I have to say that I ate more salad than I did of the meat and potatoes. I purposely ate smaller portions of both, though, to have more space in my belly for the salad. I had previously mentioned that large amounts of starch now upsets my stomach and now, I also get nauseous from the smell of food if I get too full since I think my stomach has gotten smaller. So, eating a bowl of vegetables with some diced chicken and cheese is something that is necessary and also very much appreciated.

I've continued walking and I think that I may be seeing some of the payoff now that I am (finally) eating less. I was having a problem where I always looked bloated and now, I don't. I feel more energetic as well. I've also inadvertently starting lowering my medicine intake, so I sleep better with less medicine than I do with more, and that is a great thing as well.

I had a good weekend, on and off. I officially stopped being broke on Saturday, which was a huge surprise. I was able to have some fun and also get a new Sims 3 expansion pack. I also saw a naked man standing in his wide open window outside a hotel. I was standing outside and looking at the new hotel, and when I took a picture of the entrance, the naked guy was clearly in view. Yesterday, I did some cleaning, more shopping and basically lounged around the house the rest of the time. I'm getting all of my relaxation in so when autumn comes, I'll be ready for a job while also getting ready for my return to school in January.

Today was wonderful as well. I did some more cleaning, primarily in my room, and relaxed the entire day. I picked up some breakfast this morning, and it was nice. I really hope that the rest of July will be just as lovely because I'm heading towards some changes and I think they're going to be great.

please don't take my sunshine away

I'm sorry that things have been pretty silent here. Things are good topside. I lit a candle for my father and prayed for him. I thought about all of my good memories of him and I comforted myself that he is watching over me, when he's not having fun and all. Otherwise, T had surgery on his back and I've been playing nurse from over the phone. This is a blurry cell phone picture that he sent me of what his back looks like.



Pretty brutal, right? I'm just glad that his leg won't bother him as much anymore. Soon, he'll be better and bugging me even more.

I've been doing more walking. One day, I did an hour and 49 minutes of walking. Today, I did almost as much and my legs are feeling the burn. I like the burn a lot.

In other news, I've hit a wall and now I feel like I want to learn everything. Freelancing correctly is on my list but there is so much to learn about so many things and I know that this is happening because I miss school. I miss being a student, so I am now pursuing knowledge in any place I can find it. This would be a huge problem if I actually had money because I would sign up for all of the courses possible and learn about everything. I should be worried, but I'm not.

I promise to bring more from topside tomorrow or this weekend. As for now, I'm letting my legs relax.

P.S: I've been loving the weather here in Milwaukee. It's been so cool and beautiful out. It has to stay this way forever!!

getting to know about generalized anxiety disorder

(Sarcasm is implied.)

I've had some kind of anxiety situation since I was a child. My mother thought I was jittery and too energetic. When I reached 12, I became plagued with nausea and it affected me to the point that I couldn't eat anything other than starlight peppermint or spearmint candies. My mother had told me that she would eat them to soothe her stomach, so that thought imprinted on my mind and those were what I ate for the majority of my time when I was nauseous.

The nausea episodes occurred two other times, once when I was 14 and once when I was 17. After that, they seemed to go away. I was able to function fairly well and maintained a natural weight. When I turned 18, I had two episodes in which I was so dizzy, I would have to sit down and close my eyes until I felt like I could stand up again.

My anxiety didn't skyrocket until after my father died. The bouts of nausea returned a little more than a year later but they didn't last long. It sent me into panic attacks, though. I didn't realize what they were when I would wake up in the early morning feeling like I was going to throw up and trying really hard not to. It was shortly before I moved into my new apartment that these moments flared up and continued once I'd moved.

During this time, I was popping Dramamine like candy, so the nausea feeling would go away and so I wouldn't throw up. Every now and then, it would still happen. My mother came to stay with me and my husband during our third month of marriage and one morning, I woke up thinking I was hungry. So, I ate some chips but the feeling didn't go away. I woke my mom up and by the time I managed to get over the attack, I was so exhausted.

The panic attacks worsened after my husband moved out of our second apartment and initiated our separation.

I would call my mother in the middle of the night and couldn't stop pacing until she literally had to try to hold me close. I thought I would scream if I stopped moving, so she would hold my hand and calm me down that way. Then, I would immediately go back to sleep after I calmed down.

I was prescribed Ativan (Lorazepam) 11 days after my 25th birthday. I didn't know what to do with it, especially since I'd been told I had acid reflux, insomnia and a scant diet from the same doctor before she had given me this prescription. I was skeptical about taking it for months and to be honest, I don't even know when I did get serious about taking the medication.

I later went to a psychiatrist who told me that I had a mood disorder and that I had OCD as well as depression. She refused to prescribe me the Ativan I had gotten used to so I ended up on a plethora of different medications that didn't work such as Celexa (Citalopram) and Augmentin (Gabapentin). My second psychiatrist prescribed me Wellbutrin (Bupropion) along with the Ativan and when I didn't take the Ativan, my brain felt like it was being pinched during a speech in my Issues in Urban Teaching class. It wasn't until my third psychiatrist (about six months ago) that I was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (or GAD).

The U.S. National Library of Medicine describes Generalized Anxiety Disorder as "a pattern of constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. Anyone can develop this disorder, even kids. Most people with the disorder report that they have been anxious for as long as they can remember. GAD occurs somewhat more often in women than in men."

The NLM also states that genes and stress may be main contributors to Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I find this to be true as my mother was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Depression when I was a child. My maternal grandmother also had anxiety, as well as two of my maternal aunts. When my GAD was at its' worst, I was dealing with my separation and moving back home with my mother, which brought worries of finances since I was only receiving unemployment and my mother's widow's pension was limited.

Here are some of the symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, compiled from the list that the NLM has put together:

- The main symptom is the almost constant presence of worry or tension, even when there is little or no cause. Worries seem to float from one problem to another, such as family or relationship problems, work issues, money, health, and other problems. Even when aware that their worries or fears are stronger than needed, a person with GAD still has difficulty controlling them.

- Difficulty concentrating

- Fatigue

- Irritability

- Problems falling or staying asleep, and sleep that is often restless and unsatisfying

- Restlessness, and often becoming startled very easily

If you have 3-5 of these symptoms, if not all of them, please contact a doctor so you can be put on a treatment regimen that works for you. I'm currently on low doses of both Ativan (taken as needed) and Paxil (Paroxetine). It's been working very well, but that regimen is not for everyone so please see your doctor and do not diagnose yourself.

If you have already been diagnosed, how did you cope with it? How are you managing your GAD now?

Thanks to the National Library of Medicine for their information.

My new writing/book blog, Fizz & Shimmer is now open. Click here to check it out.

adventures of a late-stage twentysomething

When I was 26, I made the decision to make myself more social. That entailed joining the school newspaper, covering big social events such as The Grand Ball, going to Florida, later joining a literary club at school and joining other things on the internet. Being social has been exhausting at best and it's also been a lesson in working with people who I would barely look at in most circumstances. It didn't make any of those people less annoying, it just made me tolerate them longer than I usually would have.

A little more than two years later, and I am starting to realign myself. I spent the past two years concentrating on classes and working hard so I could graduate and being social, even when it was burning me out. This year will require a lot of adjustment. I'm not in school right now, so I have more time to do whatever it is I want to do. I'm trying to remain productive but I can take a nap when I want to. I'm also trying to get as many updates on the T when I can and try to figure out when I need to go down to where he lives. It's like being on the clock but not at the same time. I'm also trying to get my health together as well so the T won't have to come here and sit while I'm in some surgery.

Here's a secret about me and realignment: I'm not really good at it. I sit and I wonder what I can get away with and who it would affect and then feel guilty about the decision I want to make. I would really like to be on my own for a while in more ways than one but I always try to think about others involved, even if I no longer care for them or trust them or even interact with them. I try not to be selfish that way. I know that this is my time and my life and I can assure that this will be solved before I return back to school. It's going to take a lot of work and dedication, though.

Although my room is always in a chronic state of disaster, I am very much a cerebral planner. I plan a ridiculous amount of projects in my head and set out to do them. I have two specific ones I want to work on. One is book-related and the other is something I will really concentrate on next year. I also have a blog related project that will actually launch soon. That is something I am going to be constantly tweaking, but it'll be really nice, shiny and new enough to launch soon. There is also, of course, my room. That is a constant project that I keep banging my head in the wall over because it never stays clean.

Although I won't see 30 for another two years, I want to go into it with a clean slate. My 20s have been really weird, especially since I didn't really go out into the real world and live like a true twentysomething until I was 22. There will be remnants of my 20s going into being 30, but I don't want everything to follow me along. That's why I'm starting now.