I'm a firm believer that when someone finds their passion, he or she will start seeing life differently. Suddenly, everything in their lives mean nothing until that moment when they find their passion and start following it. Their lives have indelibly changed.
Of course, that's how I thought it went for people who found their passion. I had yet to find mine.
I thought it was writing for a good long while. I really did. I felt like I could write my way through life and I would be complete. Then, I finished my book last year and there was a period in which I wondered what was next. That didn't last long, though, because my husband died and I was totally consumed with other things. Writing didn't feel like a passion anymore, though.
I thought that teaching was my passion as well. I'm not completely convinced that it's not, though. I still really enjoy the idea of teaching children and/or teenagers how to be productive members of society and possible scholars. I feel like I can do that and I would be fulfilled, but I don't know if I'm as passionate about it as I once was. I think part of it was simply projecting because I want to be a mom. Being a mom is always a passion for me, but not one that I will find any time soon.
For lack of a better sentiment, I was passionless. I didn't have a passion for anything.
Then, I started classes this semester.
I wasn't looking for anything that would make me all full of passion and want me to throw my ring in anything, but I did want this semester to mean something much different from the previous two semesters felt. I was looking to prove that I was happy to attend my dream school and that my dead person's money was being put to good use. So, I decided to take a Conflict Resolution class because I once said that I wanted to be good at that. I took a Global Studies class because I was interested in the major. I wanted to learn something before my financial aid ran out. Some. Thing.
Surprisingly, it was not my Global Studies class that made me feel passionate, although I'm learning a lot. I found my passion in my Conflict Resolution course. I felt like this was something I could talk about all day. When my teacher mentioned that she was getting her Master's in Sustainable Peace Building, my eyes glittered like I was looking at something sparkly. I found a part of a calling that I could get on board with, something I could do for the rest of my life.
On October 1st, I am going to officially change my major to Global Security.
I still write. It's not as much as it was when I was a teen or even when I was in my 20s, that shitty decade. I plan to keep working on my book and maybe age, and experience, will help me make it even better than it currently is. As for teaching, maybe I'll teach a new generation about Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies while I'm getting my Master's.
I hope to work for the Federal Government when I'm done with college. I think I would be a good asset to them. I would love to work at the United Nations or NATO, wherever I can make the biggest impact in helping the world become a little more peaceful. Who knows? I could end up becoming the first Black Female President. That would be cool.
Showing posts with label Decisions Decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Decisions Decisions. Show all posts
September 15, 2015
February 23, 2015
Page 54: Feeling Passionate (25 Days)
I spent a lot of time growing up without passion for the world's issues. I was aware of how drugs were bad, stranger danger, homelessness, the hunger in Somalia, animal cruelty, AIDS, cancer, war and other issues that would show up on a commercial or on television but it didn't affect me. The biggest issue that had my attention was domestic violence, but everything else felt separate from me to an extent. If anything, I locked myself up in a bubble when I was 15 and chose not to come out until I absolutely had to.
If you didn't already know, I dropped out of high school at 15 years old and didn't graduate until 22. Though highly intelligent and extremely lazy, I kept my ear to the ground and spent those 7 years watching current events. However, I didn't feel passionate about anything because it didn't interrupt my life or my corner of the world until it did. Even then, I was indifferent to it all.
In the past few months, however, I've become more passionate about a lot of issues happening in the world. At first, it began with reading news articles and feeling strongly about the wrong and injustice. Then, it evolved to forming an opinion. Now, I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't speak out about something I feel is wrong.
My mother has always been very outspoken. I never saw her stay quiet about something she believed was wrong. I've tried to get her to not speak up and a lot of the time, I was afraid of what the repercussions would be if she did. Then, I stopped worrying and I stopped trying to stop my mother. Finally, I started to speak even louder than her.
I realize that I am going to alienate people and I may lose friends. I am fully aware that my opinion is not going to be liked by all and I don't think I'll ever be President now (damn it!), but I think that my life would less worthwhile and I would be doing a great injustice to many people if I don't let my voice be heard. Besides, the good people in this world would never accept it (the world) the way that it is.
Last night and this morning provided me with a soapbox of issues I've become more passionate about: feminism and race relations. There was some very controversial things that were said and instead of letting it go over my head like most things do (like that "Bye, Felicia" thing), I spoke out.
I spoke out against a popular British actor because of his use of the term "colored people" even though this is 2015 and at least 50 years past the civil rights movement. I also spoke out against an American actor (popular is something I'm not so sure about) and his joke against a man of Hispanic origins. I also spoke out this morning about a newly awarded American actress's belief that the LGBT community and people of color need to chip in and help the wage war going on between men and women. I'm still learning how to use my words properly and not become some hellion that screams just to scream, but these things upset me and I'm going to speak about things that upset me.
It feels good to speak about things that I care about. It feels good for my voice to help people, even if it's one person at a time. I'm a little sad about that not being President thing, but I'll live.
What are you passionate about?
If you didn't already know, I dropped out of high school at 15 years old and didn't graduate until 22. Though highly intelligent and extremely lazy, I kept my ear to the ground and spent those 7 years watching current events. However, I didn't feel passionate about anything because it didn't interrupt my life or my corner of the world until it did. Even then, I was indifferent to it all.
In the past few months, however, I've become more passionate about a lot of issues happening in the world. At first, it began with reading news articles and feeling strongly about the wrong and injustice. Then, it evolved to forming an opinion. Now, I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't speak out about something I feel is wrong.
My mother has always been very outspoken. I never saw her stay quiet about something she believed was wrong. I've tried to get her to not speak up and a lot of the time, I was afraid of what the repercussions would be if she did. Then, I stopped worrying and I stopped trying to stop my mother. Finally, I started to speak even louder than her.
I realize that I am going to alienate people and I may lose friends. I am fully aware that my opinion is not going to be liked by all and I don't think I'll ever be President now (damn it!), but I think that my life would less worthwhile and I would be doing a great injustice to many people if I don't let my voice be heard. Besides, the good people in this world would never accept it (the world) the way that it is.
Last night and this morning provided me with a soapbox of issues I've become more passionate about: feminism and race relations. There was some very controversial things that were said and instead of letting it go over my head like most things do (like that "Bye, Felicia" thing), I spoke out.
I spoke out against a popular British actor because of his use of the term "colored people" even though this is 2015 and at least 50 years past the civil rights movement. I also spoke out against an American actor (popular is something I'm not so sure about) and his joke against a man of Hispanic origins. I also spoke out this morning about a newly awarded American actress's belief that the LGBT community and people of color need to chip in and help the wage war going on between men and women. I'm still learning how to use my words properly and not become some hellion that screams just to scream, but these things upset me and I'm going to speak about things that upset me.
It feels good to speak about things that I care about. It feels good for my voice to help people, even if it's one person at a time. I'm a little sad about that not being President thing, but I'll live.
What are you passionate about?
December 20, 2013
life maintenance: the 2014 plan
![IMG_0252[1]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_ut_zwvios_MryhV-fh-yJOGoHEdvt2yxPyTlQ9CFk0VHvIsEq_JHRzcPKH3R7SGby4L8u0QYDP7znShJBXvaeQPTGowdSUnsvAPIyPu8J774GWByzA14_ZQZHajMIJeXl0vws_JmOImh13Jh44N_4BKro=s0-d)
As of January 2nd, I will be returning to my therapist.
Things have been going very well for me since I started working again, but that is the exact reason why I know I need to go back to seeing my therapist. It is all too easy to throw something like this to the wayside because I feel like things are good. The overwhelm, frustration and all of those negative thoughts and feelings are just waiting to attack, though. I've already had a couple of days where I struggled and took it very hard. On top of that, taking medication is good and fine, but it doesn't help me if I'm taking the medication but nothing has changed. I had gotten to a point with my doctor where I told him that I wanted to get off of everything I'm taking for my anxiety/panic attacks, and there hasn't been a plan put into place for that to happen.
To reiterate, my life is at an all time high but I feel like I need to reinforce methods and behaviors that will combat any slip-ups or downfalls. I call this "life maintenance."
This year, I didn't do enough for my health and when I did, it still wasn't optimal. I didn't visit my dentist nearly enough. I missed quite a few appointments with my former therapist and my current one. My diet wasn't the best because I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. I also didn't rest enough. Part of my life maintenance will be to reach a level of healthiness that I feel is acceptable. That means cutting back on junk, eating more full meals, reducing my medicine intake and being as active as possible, as well as making medical appointments and going to them. One of my job's core values is wellness and I most definitely want that to be my top core value as well.
(There's a fantasy that I have where I can wear a swimsuit like Amy Adams' swimsuit in American Hustle so that is also why wellness is a big thing.)
Another aspect of my life that I'm doing maintenance on is my finances and time priorities. Now that I have stable employment, I know what I'm getting paid and when. I was overwhelmed with the holiday season but I have a savings plan that begins in mid-January already in place. I have an established amount that I want to get to and I plan on hanging on to that set amount for as long as humanly possible. I also have a list of things I need and I hope to get each thing in a sequence throughout 2014. Bills are top priority and they will get paid with every check, if there is anything due. I do fairly well with not spending a lot on things that I don't need, but I want to do better.
I receive about three hours of time off every two weeks that rolls over to each year, but my job's peak season is January-March. I don't plan on taking much time off outside of the two days I have scheduled off already, so I can save my PTO for a vacation or if I'm not feeling well. I also have two floating holidays that I have to use in 2014, so that gives me some time to really decide what I want to do with them. I have Wednesdays and Fridays scheduled off, so I want to use those days to get things done. I also want to use that time to spend time with my family and myself so I can go back into work fully rested and ready to do my job.
In terms of my faith and where it fits into my life maintenance, I feel like it's the only thing that really matters. I have nothing without my faith, I am nothing without my faith, and that is something that will always need constant maintaining. I want to find a church where I can attend a Wednesday service and I want to continue to make myself available for God to do His work. My faith may not be something I talk about all the time here, but it's the foundation of everything I am and that won't change.
As for goals, I have just one so far: learn to drive. Traveling is a thing that is going to be open to me since it's a part of my job and I still have to figure out living arrangements, but driving is one thing I want to master in 2014. Once I obtain my driver's license, I can decide whether or not I will drive every day. I can decide whether or not I will move to a place further out because at that point, I can buy/lease a car if I want to. To me, the driver's license is the one puzzle piece that determines the rest of the puzzle.
2014 is going to be a year of work, and that is just within myself. It's not going to be easy at all but my motto is going to be try hard and keep trying. That's the most I can do, but believe that I am going to do it and do it as well as I can.
(written on december 20, 2013)
September 4, 2013
one small step for adulthood...
As I get older, I believe that the signs of adulthood is different with everyone. There's no right or wrong way to do it. My mother tried to tell me this when I was rushing to get to the altar five years ago, but I didn't get it. I didn't get it because I had yet to grow up. I had only moved away from home less than six months prior to my wedding and I knew nothing about being an adult, especially because I had my older sister and my fiance to do the adult stuff for me. This lesson didn't quite hit me until today, actually, five days away from my fifth (and last) wedding anniversary and the same day in which I had an operation on my hand.
It would be easy to say that my life has been complicated. I lost my father at 21. My husband left me. I live at home with my mother. All of these are good reasons for me to get away with a lot of things, including being treated like a child. I could be blanketed in pity and coddled until the cows come home.
But I'm not and I don't want to be.
Today, I was taken care of by a great doctor and great staff. I showed my gratitude a million times, but I woke up knowing that I needed to have this experience alone and I was fine with that. For someone who has been nervous and unprepared for an operation I had jumped into, this was big.
What I had on my hand was a cyst from the night I decided to bathe my pet Racer. He was having breathing issues but he had lice on him (which would not have affected me at all) and I didn't want him in pain. So, I started to bathe him, although he didn't like the water. He sank his teeth into my hand, which I knew was wrong because that had never happened before, and I had to shake him off a little. When he let go, my hand was gushing blood and he died. I ended up in a huge panic about my bloody hand and my dead pet, but more about my dead pet. I was given heavy antibiotics to take and everything was fine but I had to wait until the end of the year to make sure that my hand healed properly. It didn't heal correctly. Racer bit me almost sixteen months ago.
I put off this surgery for quite a while and I didn't think it was necessary until the cyst, pictured below, started giving off burning sensations through my thumb and became super tender. This is what it looked like.
Gross, eh? When I showed my brother, he instantly went "ew." So, yeah. It was bad.
Today, I went to the Orthopaedic Hospital of Wisconsin and immediately ate a bowl of Portobello Brie soup. Yes, it tasted just like the mushroom brie soup my brother had me taste, the revelation soup. Sometimes, I think that things like me finding this soup is a sign of good things. After eating, I was instantly brought into a room where I had to change into a hospital gown. Then, I met my nurses. One of them took my vitals and the other gave me an IV of antibiotics. Soon after, I briefly saw my doctor and then brought into the OR. It was the first OR I've ever been in. The other two times I was stitched up, it was in triage rooms in the ER.
In the OR, I laid down in the bed and was worked on. Then, they started to cut the cyst out while I talked everyone's ears off, and I talked about my writing. I felt nothing, except the anesthesia and the pull of the stitches. Once they were finished with that, I was brought to a recovery area, where I was given apple juice. I was offered toast or an English muffin, but I declined. Twenty minutes later, I was given my stuff, including a tote bag, my slipper socks, a shower cover for my arm and two reusable ice packs along with my discharge papers. Then, I got dressed and left. Soon after my surgery, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought two journals/notebooks. I've been in the business of buying pretty notebooks and a couple of them are from a partnership between Barnes and Noble and the Pratt Institute of Art in NY. Here are my latest purchases.
[caption id="attachment_15898" align="aligncenter" width="292"]
Purchased on Saturday[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_15899" align="aligncenter" width="260"]
Purchased today[/caption]
It would be easy to say that my life has been complicated. I lost my father at 21. My husband left me. I live at home with my mother. All of these are good reasons for me to get away with a lot of things, including being treated like a child. I could be blanketed in pity and coddled until the cows come home.
But I'm not and I don't want to be.
Today, I was taken care of by a great doctor and great staff. I showed my gratitude a million times, but I woke up knowing that I needed to have this experience alone and I was fine with that. For someone who has been nervous and unprepared for an operation I had jumped into, this was big.
What I had on my hand was a cyst from the night I decided to bathe my pet Racer. He was having breathing issues but he had lice on him (which would not have affected me at all) and I didn't want him in pain. So, I started to bathe him, although he didn't like the water. He sank his teeth into my hand, which I knew was wrong because that had never happened before, and I had to shake him off a little. When he let go, my hand was gushing blood and he died. I ended up in a huge panic about my bloody hand and my dead pet, but more about my dead pet. I was given heavy antibiotics to take and everything was fine but I had to wait until the end of the year to make sure that my hand healed properly. It didn't heal correctly. Racer bit me almost sixteen months ago.
I put off this surgery for quite a while and I didn't think it was necessary until the cyst, pictured below, started giving off burning sensations through my thumb and became super tender. This is what it looked like.
Gross, eh? When I showed my brother, he instantly went "ew." So, yeah. It was bad.
Today, I went to the Orthopaedic Hospital of Wisconsin and immediately ate a bowl of Portobello Brie soup. Yes, it tasted just like the mushroom brie soup my brother had me taste, the revelation soup. Sometimes, I think that things like me finding this soup is a sign of good things. After eating, I was instantly brought into a room where I had to change into a hospital gown. Then, I met my nurses. One of them took my vitals and the other gave me an IV of antibiotics. Soon after, I briefly saw my doctor and then brought into the OR. It was the first OR I've ever been in. The other two times I was stitched up, it was in triage rooms in the ER.
In the OR, I laid down in the bed and was worked on. Then, they started to cut the cyst out while I talked everyone's ears off, and I talked about my writing. I felt nothing, except the anesthesia and the pull of the stitches. Once they were finished with that, I was brought to a recovery area, where I was given apple juice. I was offered toast or an English muffin, but I declined. Twenty minutes later, I was given my stuff, including a tote bag, my slipper socks, a shower cover for my arm and two reusable ice packs along with my discharge papers. Then, I got dressed and left. Soon after my surgery, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought two journals/notebooks. I've been in the business of buying pretty notebooks and a couple of them are from a partnership between Barnes and Noble and the Pratt Institute of Art in NY. Here are my latest purchases.
[caption id="attachment_15898" align="aligncenter" width="292"]
Purchased on Saturday[/caption][caption id="attachment_15899" align="aligncenter" width="260"]
Purchased today[/caption]Although my new journals are gorgeous, I don't feel happy solely because I was able to buy them. I dealt with my first operation all by myself and I took another step into adulthood, or what my adulthood is. I also got some nifty swag out of it and ended up with this as well.
June 18, 2013
panicking? i'm not panicking! (but that's a lie)
Yesterday, I decided to have a meeting with a college advisor from a very prominent online college. I had already done the true confessions/"I'm not really going to be happy anywhere but ___ university and good things come to those who wait" spiel to my mom, even though it really sounded like I was/am ten years younger than I am, so I've been mentally preparing myself to go to ___ university in the Spring. However, the subject of "aggregate limits" appeared in my interview/Q&A session over the phone with prominent online college and it felt like an A-bomb had dropped into my lap.
The point? I'd been willy-nilly with my education to the point that I am running out of undergrad financial aid, and I have no degree to show for it.
I could blame a whole lot of this on my former school and my academic suspension, and I know that I'm blaming myself for taking classes that I really needed but didn't and switching my major at least three times, but I'm also blaming the government. When I was 18, the economy was fine and then, G.W had to pay the Middle East off for his screw-ups and then he had to leave office because a whole bunch of people screwed up and voted him in a second time (by that time, I was 19 and I voted for John Kerry). So by the time I was 23 and married, I had to vote for someone new to come into office and the United States has been a hot mess money-wise. So, the limits had been reduced from what my brother was able to get when he was in college. </rant>
I'm silently seething in panic. Despite all of my 75 (and more) credits, I don't think I have enough financial aid to finish with my BA and I'm currently unemployed, so thinking about saving is not something I can realistically do.
Le pooh.
Somehow, I have this weird but wonderful feeling that I will figure something out and something may fall into my lap that will be really helpful. However, I feel the panic more. I want to get a degree and I want to help people with said degree while paying off all of the student loans.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll go to the drawing board and do what I do best: think very loudly. I'm sure to come up with something.
(If I don't, all of you will be first to know)
The point? I'd been willy-nilly with my education to the point that I am running out of undergrad financial aid, and I have no degree to show for it.
I could blame a whole lot of this on my former school and my academic suspension, and I know that I'm blaming myself for taking classes that I really needed but didn't and switching my major at least three times, but I'm also blaming the government. When I was 18, the economy was fine and then, G.W had to pay the Middle East off for his screw-ups and then he had to leave office because a whole bunch of people screwed up and voted him in a second time (by that time, I was 19 and I voted for John Kerry). So by the time I was 23 and married, I had to vote for someone new to come into office and the United States has been a hot mess money-wise. So, the limits had been reduced from what my brother was able to get when he was in college. </rant>
I'm silently seething in panic. Despite all of my 75 (and more) credits, I don't think I have enough financial aid to finish with my BA and I'm currently unemployed, so thinking about saving is not something I can realistically do.
Le pooh.
Somehow, I have this weird but wonderful feeling that I will figure something out and something may fall into my lap that will be really helpful. However, I feel the panic more. I want to get a degree and I want to help people with said degree while paying off all of the student loans.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll go to the drawing board and do what I do best: think very loudly. I'm sure to come up with something.
(If I don't, all of you will be first to know)
May 14, 2013
adventures of a late-stage twentysomething
When I was 26, I made the decision to make myself more social. That entailed joining the school newspaper, covering big social events such as The Grand Ball, going to Florida, later joining a literary club at school and joining other things on the internet. Being social has been exhausting at best and it's also been a lesson in working with people who I would barely look at in most circumstances. It didn't make any of those people less annoying, it just made me tolerate them longer than I usually would have.
A little more than two years later, and I am starting to realign myself. I spent the past two years concentrating on classes and working hard so I could graduate and being social, even when it was burning me out. This year will require a lot of adjustment. I'm not in school right now, so I have more time to do whatever it is I want to do. I'm trying to remain productive but I can take a nap when I want to. I'm also trying to get as many updates on the T when I can and try to figure out when I need to go down to where he lives. It's like being on the clock but not at the same time. I'm also trying to get my health together as well so the T won't have to come here and sit while I'm in some surgery.
Here's a secret about me and realignment: I'm not really good at it. I sit and I wonder what I can get away with and who it would affect and then feel guilty about the decision I want to make. I would really like to be on my own for a while in more ways than one but I always try to think about others involved, even if I no longer care for them or trust them or even interact with them. I try not to be selfish that way. I know that this is my time and my life and I can assure that this will be solved before I return back to school. It's going to take a lot of work and dedication, though.
Although my room is always in a chronic state of disaster, I am very much a cerebral planner. I plan a ridiculous amount of projects in my head and set out to do them. I have two specific ones I want to work on. One is book-related and the other is something I will really concentrate on next year. I also have a blog related project that will actually launch soon. That is something I am going to be constantly tweaking, but it'll be really nice, shiny and new enough to launch soon. There is also, of course, my room. That is a constant project that I keep banging my head in the wall over because it never stays clean.
Although I won't see 30 for another two years, I want to go into it with a clean slate. My 20s have been really weird, especially since I didn't really go out into the real world and live like a true twentysomething until I was 22. There will be remnants of my 20s going into being 30, but I don't want everything to follow me along. That's why I'm starting now.
A little more than two years later, and I am starting to realign myself. I spent the past two years concentrating on classes and working hard so I could graduate and being social, even when it was burning me out. This year will require a lot of adjustment. I'm not in school right now, so I have more time to do whatever it is I want to do. I'm trying to remain productive but I can take a nap when I want to. I'm also trying to get as many updates on the T when I can and try to figure out when I need to go down to where he lives. It's like being on the clock but not at the same time. I'm also trying to get my health together as well so the T won't have to come here and sit while I'm in some surgery.
Here's a secret about me and realignment: I'm not really good at it. I sit and I wonder what I can get away with and who it would affect and then feel guilty about the decision I want to make. I would really like to be on my own for a while in more ways than one but I always try to think about others involved, even if I no longer care for them or trust them or even interact with them. I try not to be selfish that way. I know that this is my time and my life and I can assure that this will be solved before I return back to school. It's going to take a lot of work and dedication, though.
Although my room is always in a chronic state of disaster, I am very much a cerebral planner. I plan a ridiculous amount of projects in my head and set out to do them. I have two specific ones I want to work on. One is book-related and the other is something I will really concentrate on next year. I also have a blog related project that will actually launch soon. That is something I am going to be constantly tweaking, but it'll be really nice, shiny and new enough to launch soon. There is also, of course, my room. That is a constant project that I keep banging my head in the wall over because it never stays clean.
Although I won't see 30 for another two years, I want to go into it with a clean slate. My 20s have been really weird, especially since I didn't really go out into the real world and live like a true twentysomething until I was 22. There will be remnants of my 20s going into being 30, but I don't want everything to follow me along. That's why I'm starting now.
May 4, 2013
acknowledging fear
I am so scared.
I don't think I've ever had a fear of the unknown quite like this before. I don't know if it's because this is the first time in almost three years that I am not distracted by an upcoming semester of school to bang out or if it's because I'm changing or I've changed, but I'm scared. I'm terrified.
Last year was the year of the biggest change. My brother graduated from college. I had gotten into a really big tiff with my mother. I had begun to overcome the obstacles in my way of finally graduating. My really awesome job finally ended. I started seeing a psychotherapist after previously failing to connect to two others. I managed to do all of that without as many tears as I could've possibly mustered up. Now, I don't feel like crying at all but I am starting over with the one consistent thing that had kept me going for the past three and a half to four years.
I've grown up and I've learned to move on and let things go. I've been on a steady medication regimen since September. I made progress, but what scares me is the possibility that all of my progress was based on school or a group of friends or something I have given up on. If everything was hinging on that, who am I now? Who will I become? Am I doing the right thing?
One of the greatest friends I could ever have besides my bestest, Miranda, added something so totally motivating to an email she sent to me today. She told me this: "Keep in mind that the road to success is different for everyone. Don't feel barricaded in by everyone else's [or even society's] idea of how you should reach your goals, do what you need to do because at the end of it all, the only path you'll be able to look back on is YOURS." These words are the perfect antidote to ease my fears of going on to new things, along with knowing that God is watching me and he wouldn't let me drown. I think that last year was the year that I stopped putting so much faith in people, so I hang on to God for dear life. He's shown me the people who I should share my life with and add to my chosen family. He's also shown me who to let go of. Since He's taken so much care of me, I don't think He would let me fall unless there was a really good reason behind it.
Tonight, I'm acknowledging the fear, in hopes that I will feel more confident when I wake up tomorrow. If I don't, I will just continue on with the process until I know what I need to do and go from there.
Tonight, though, I'm letting myself feel scared.
I don't think I've ever had a fear of the unknown quite like this before. I don't know if it's because this is the first time in almost three years that I am not distracted by an upcoming semester of school to bang out or if it's because I'm changing or I've changed, but I'm scared. I'm terrified.
Last year was the year of the biggest change. My brother graduated from college. I had gotten into a really big tiff with my mother. I had begun to overcome the obstacles in my way of finally graduating. My really awesome job finally ended. I started seeing a psychotherapist after previously failing to connect to two others. I managed to do all of that without as many tears as I could've possibly mustered up. Now, I don't feel like crying at all but I am starting over with the one consistent thing that had kept me going for the past three and a half to four years.
I've grown up and I've learned to move on and let things go. I've been on a steady medication regimen since September. I made progress, but what scares me is the possibility that all of my progress was based on school or a group of friends or something I have given up on. If everything was hinging on that, who am I now? Who will I become? Am I doing the right thing?
One of the greatest friends I could ever have besides my bestest, Miranda, added something so totally motivating to an email she sent to me today. She told me this: "Keep in mind that the road to success is different for everyone. Don't feel barricaded in by everyone else's [or even society's] idea of how you should reach your goals, do what you need to do because at the end of it all, the only path you'll be able to look back on is YOURS." These words are the perfect antidote to ease my fears of going on to new things, along with knowing that God is watching me and he wouldn't let me drown. I think that last year was the year that I stopped putting so much faith in people, so I hang on to God for dear life. He's shown me the people who I should share my life with and add to my chosen family. He's also shown me who to let go of. Since He's taken so much care of me, I don't think He would let me fall unless there was a really good reason behind it.
Tonight, I'm acknowledging the fear, in hopes that I will feel more confident when I wake up tomorrow. If I don't, I will just continue on with the process until I know what I need to do and go from there.
Tonight, though, I'm letting myself feel scared.
May 1, 2013
crazy, sexy truth
Welcome to May! It's been a bumpy ride getting to this point.
April went fast. It seems like just yesterday I was preparing to return to class and feeling sad that I only had days left until I had to return to school. Sometime during then, I had lost the clarity I'd had and felt lost, as well as a little more than sad. It seemed like I was a chicken running around with my head cut off, second guessing myself on almost everything. So, I hid and I'd been hiding ever since.
When I spoke with my doctor, I got the feeling that she didn't quite understand why I was hiding and for the life of me, I couldn't explain it well enough to get her to understand. It went from explaining why I was hiding to having to explain why I wasn't going to class to if I was just done with college altogether. It was huge talking maze that even had me a little confused.
On top of that, the injury I sustained last year (a year ago at the end of this month) from my pet rat Racer, who then died, didn't heal completely and it's now hurting me. It's gotten to the point that I need to see an orthopedic doctor about it and it's probably going to be lead to surgery. Yeah.
The past few days have been hard, really hard. April was even harder, with everything that happened. I ultimately came to some decisions and the conclusions that things had to change.
As of tomorrow, I will no longer be a student for a while.
For the past two semesters, I'd been flailing and I couldn't get any momentum going, so I left the Phoenix and now, I'm leaving school only weeks before the semester is over. I needed to do this to regroup and figure out what I needed to do next in my life. Right now, I know I need rest and I knew I needed more rest when I didn't want to get out of my bed and leave my house after Spring Break ended.
I'm changing my eating habits this month.
I can't help being on medication, at least right now, but I can help what else goes into my body. I don't eat three meals a day and when I did, my body went into some sort of freak-out mode. I'm not planning on cutting out anything but I am planning on regulating everything. One doctor told me that I should eat six small meals a day and I may try doing that or putting together meals that are home cooked and filling and are full of all four food groups. I'm also cutting back on all the sugary drinks I've been swigging. Lemonade is good, but water is better. My skin is going to love me for it.
I'm going to get more stuff done.
I really don't have much to do with my time, hence my time spent on my computer, but I want to clear my dance card faster instead of thinking about what I have to do and dreading it. Procrastination is no good, y'all.
I'm getting my -ish together.
Since last month, I've walked at least 30 minutes or more, averaging at least an hour or more almost every day. I'm concentrating on more things. I'm reading more books. I'm communicating better with myself, my mother and God. This is all just the beginning because I will be attending another school and I don't want to have another situation like this for another two or three years. For my sanity's sake, I'm going to have to keep going but also know when to take it easy. I can't hide from the world.
April went fast. It seems like just yesterday I was preparing to return to class and feeling sad that I only had days left until I had to return to school. Sometime during then, I had lost the clarity I'd had and felt lost, as well as a little more than sad. It seemed like I was a chicken running around with my head cut off, second guessing myself on almost everything. So, I hid and I'd been hiding ever since.
When I spoke with my doctor, I got the feeling that she didn't quite understand why I was hiding and for the life of me, I couldn't explain it well enough to get her to understand. It went from explaining why I was hiding to having to explain why I wasn't going to class to if I was just done with college altogether. It was huge talking maze that even had me a little confused.
On top of that, the injury I sustained last year (a year ago at the end of this month) from my pet rat Racer, who then died, didn't heal completely and it's now hurting me. It's gotten to the point that I need to see an orthopedic doctor about it and it's probably going to be lead to surgery. Yeah.
The past few days have been hard, really hard. April was even harder, with everything that happened. I ultimately came to some decisions and the conclusions that things had to change.
As of tomorrow, I will no longer be a student for a while.
For the past two semesters, I'd been flailing and I couldn't get any momentum going, so I left the Phoenix and now, I'm leaving school only weeks before the semester is over. I needed to do this to regroup and figure out what I needed to do next in my life. Right now, I know I need rest and I knew I needed more rest when I didn't want to get out of my bed and leave my house after Spring Break ended.
I'm changing my eating habits this month.
I can't help being on medication, at least right now, but I can help what else goes into my body. I don't eat three meals a day and when I did, my body went into some sort of freak-out mode. I'm not planning on cutting out anything but I am planning on regulating everything. One doctor told me that I should eat six small meals a day and I may try doing that or putting together meals that are home cooked and filling and are full of all four food groups. I'm also cutting back on all the sugary drinks I've been swigging. Lemonade is good, but water is better. My skin is going to love me for it.
I'm going to get more stuff done.
I really don't have much to do with my time, hence my time spent on my computer, but I want to clear my dance card faster instead of thinking about what I have to do and dreading it. Procrastination is no good, y'all.
I'm getting my -ish together.
Since last month, I've walked at least 30 minutes or more, averaging at least an hour or more almost every day. I'm concentrating on more things. I'm reading more books. I'm communicating better with myself, my mother and God. This is all just the beginning because I will be attending another school and I don't want to have another situation like this for another two or three years. For my sanity's sake, I'm going to have to keep going but also know when to take it easy. I can't hide from the world.
April 26, 2013
everyone needs an isuzu trooper in their life
Is anyone else surprised that Isuzu is probably no longer in business? I was.
In this post, I'm not talking about Isuzu Trooper, the car, though. I'm talking about Isuzu Trooper Cassidy.
When I was just a little girl (but really about 18 or 19), I picked up a book from the library named Vamped. Since vampires and little kids are two favorite subjects of mine, I picked it up and it turned out to be one of my best decisions because the book was really sweet and funny and straight up endearing. Here's the summary of the book from Goodreads:
When Marty decides to end his endless life of soul-crushing ennui - call it vampire affluenza - a three-foot blond obstacle is thrown in his path: Isuzu Trooper Cassidy, a refugee from a human hunting preserve. At first he thinks "midnight snack," but before the sun comes up Isuzu is the one snacking on his prized cereal collection as she charms him into staying undead long enough to raise her in a world rife with danger and almost entirely populated by vampires yearning for the taste of real human blood
I can't even get started with how great I thought this book was and what definitely got me hooked is the relationship between Marty and Isuzu. It's one of the best relationships I've ever read about.
Anyway, Isuzu is named because "she was an accident waiting to happen" and her middle name is Trooper because she has big feet. If anyone saw me in public, they would know that I am both an Isuzu and a trooper. Why I say that everyone needs an Isuzu Trooper in their life has nothing to do with me and my feet that can fit shoes varied from size 8 to size 10.
Isuzu basically saves Marty from himself and his boredom. She is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, the sunlight that he can't touch because he's not a Cullen or a Salvatore. There's actually a scene in the book when she sings "You Are My Sunshine" and Marty's reaction is so priceless.
Marty risks himself constantly to protect this little game changer.
Everyone needs a game changer.
I'm currently without an Isuzu Trooper, but that doesn't mean that I've never had one. See, I did have one by the name of Oliver Racer X. He taught me that I do love pets and I'm good at raising them, which somehow would've probably made me a good mom. I gave him so much love that he was practically almost human, and he was a rat. The day I lost him was the day I think I stopped giving my all to my other rats. I showed them love and I took care of them, but I still have not had another little game changer like Ollie.
I don't think that your Isuzu Trooper has to be a pet or anything living or breathing for that matter. It just has to make you want to change your life for the better and something you want to fight for, something you want to protect.
See, nothing in this life is easy. That's, like, the worst kept secret but that doesn't make it easier. You can take what you want from that. However, there's a chance where your life can become stagnant and if you're already unhappy, it may make you sink even deeper into a hole in which you can never get out. You'll basically end up like Marty, wanting out of your boring, unhappy life. If there comes a time when a proverbial little girl is hiding in your car and you find that she's something you actually want to keep (proverbially), do it and pray with your entire being that it works out despite your constant screwing up because you will screw up. But, do it anyway.
Do. It.
In this post, I'm not talking about Isuzu Trooper, the car, though. I'm talking about Isuzu Trooper Cassidy.
When I was just a little girl (but really about 18 or 19), I picked up a book from the library named Vamped. Since vampires and little kids are two favorite subjects of mine, I picked it up and it turned out to be one of my best decisions because the book was really sweet and funny and straight up endearing. Here's the summary of the book from Goodreads:
When Marty decides to end his endless life of soul-crushing ennui - call it vampire affluenza - a three-foot blond obstacle is thrown in his path: Isuzu Trooper Cassidy, a refugee from a human hunting preserve. At first he thinks "midnight snack," but before the sun comes up Isuzu is the one snacking on his prized cereal collection as she charms him into staying undead long enough to raise her in a world rife with danger and almost entirely populated by vampires yearning for the taste of real human blood
I can't even get started with how great I thought this book was and what definitely got me hooked is the relationship between Marty and Isuzu. It's one of the best relationships I've ever read about.
Anyway, Isuzu is named because "she was an accident waiting to happen" and her middle name is Trooper because she has big feet. If anyone saw me in public, they would know that I am both an Isuzu and a trooper. Why I say that everyone needs an Isuzu Trooper in their life has nothing to do with me and my feet that can fit shoes varied from size 8 to size 10.
Isuzu basically saves Marty from himself and his boredom. She is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, the sunlight that he can't touch because he's not a Cullen or a Salvatore. There's actually a scene in the book when she sings "You Are My Sunshine" and Marty's reaction is so priceless.
Marty risks himself constantly to protect this little game changer.
Everyone needs a game changer.
I'm currently without an Isuzu Trooper, but that doesn't mean that I've never had one. See, I did have one by the name of Oliver Racer X. He taught me that I do love pets and I'm good at raising them, which somehow would've probably made me a good mom. I gave him so much love that he was practically almost human, and he was a rat. The day I lost him was the day I think I stopped giving my all to my other rats. I showed them love and I took care of them, but I still have not had another little game changer like Ollie.
I don't think that your Isuzu Trooper has to be a pet or anything living or breathing for that matter. It just has to make you want to change your life for the better and something you want to fight for, something you want to protect.
See, nothing in this life is easy. That's, like, the worst kept secret but that doesn't make it easier. You can take what you want from that. However, there's a chance where your life can become stagnant and if you're already unhappy, it may make you sink even deeper into a hole in which you can never get out. You'll basically end up like Marty, wanting out of your boring, unhappy life. If there comes a time when a proverbial little girl is hiding in your car and you find that she's something you actually want to keep (proverbially), do it and pray with your entire being that it works out despite your constant screwing up because you will screw up. But, do it anyway.
Do. It.
October 11, 2012
Page 284: Wanted: A New Me
I'm currently in the pursuit of finding a better me.
I like the me that I am, but I think I could be better, so I'm on the pursuit and here's why:
I have writer's block, the crippling kind that is very inconvenient since I have to come up with at least one piece for The Phoenix and a blog post and love letters for More Love Letters. I would also like to start writing again for HUGstronger, and the block is preventing me from doing so.
This is not the first time that writers' block has led me to do something very different. I was in the middle of THE block when I decided to get married, and I don't think I really got it back until I got separated. So, I'm like paddles without the boat. I am screwed.
So, I need to find a new me. It been going well, thus far. I've figured out that by studying Global Studies (Global Security in International Relations or Global Management), I could find a nice career or an even better one (especially if I pursue an Education MA) and still get to help people to a degree while making money and supporting the family that I want. Also, it allows me the possibility to go into public office if I so please.
Part of the reason why Global Studies stuck out was that I was researching political science (which my oldest cousin has a degree in, and proceeded to get her law school degree) because I'd started to wonder about a bipartisan political ticket eventually coming into fruition. So, I thought it would be interesting and exciting to learn more about conflict resolution and/or mediation on a global scale as well as international politics, political anthropology, and communication in human conflict. This is just from Global Security. If I studied Global Management, I would be dealing with international business but I could also work in public health or education. Thinking about the plan (Global Studies for my BA and Education for my MA) makes me excited and what's even better than telling you all that I have already started my admissions application.
That's not where I'm stopping with the better me. I've lost 7 pounds in about a month to a month and a half. If I can get lower than that by my birthday, I will be so grateful and so happy, but sad because I have to get new clothes. Also, I'm watching my health more and I eat only when I'm hungry as well as by my dinner alarm. I'm supposed to eat either before the alarm sounds or sometime during the hour that the alarm went off on (8:15 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7:00 pm on every other day). I've been skittish about food so I don't eat as much as I should and my medicine routine has changed a bit, So, I'm good there.
Members of my family have been expressing their interest in teaching me how to drive since I'm the only one in the family that doesn't even truly understand how to work a car. I think that's my next big endeavor. I have no idea when it will happen, but I'm going to learn how to drive and once I get past that, I'm going to buy a car.
Things look like they are fine and everything's coming along, but my better me is still in progress. I have to get rid of THE block and get more productive. What better time to start than during Autumn?
I like the me that I am, but I think I could be better, so I'm on the pursuit and here's why:
I have writer's block, the crippling kind that is very inconvenient since I have to come up with at least one piece for The Phoenix and a blog post and love letters for More Love Letters. I would also like to start writing again for HUGstronger, and the block is preventing me from doing so.
This is not the first time that writers' block has led me to do something very different. I was in the middle of THE block when I decided to get married, and I don't think I really got it back until I got separated. So, I'm like paddles without the boat. I am screwed.
So, I need to find a new me. It been going well, thus far. I've figured out that by studying Global Studies (Global Security in International Relations or Global Management), I could find a nice career or an even better one (especially if I pursue an Education MA) and still get to help people to a degree while making money and supporting the family that I want. Also, it allows me the possibility to go into public office if I so please.
Part of the reason why Global Studies stuck out was that I was researching political science (which my oldest cousin has a degree in, and proceeded to get her law school degree) because I'd started to wonder about a bipartisan political ticket eventually coming into fruition. So, I thought it would be interesting and exciting to learn more about conflict resolution and/or mediation on a global scale as well as international politics, political anthropology, and communication in human conflict. This is just from Global Security. If I studied Global Management, I would be dealing with international business but I could also work in public health or education. Thinking about the plan (Global Studies for my BA and Education for my MA) makes me excited and what's even better than telling you all that I have already started my admissions application.
That's not where I'm stopping with the better me. I've lost 7 pounds in about a month to a month and a half. If I can get lower than that by my birthday, I will be so grateful and so happy, but sad because I have to get new clothes. Also, I'm watching my health more and I eat only when I'm hungry as well as by my dinner alarm. I'm supposed to eat either before the alarm sounds or sometime during the hour that the alarm went off on (8:15 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7:00 pm on every other day). I've been skittish about food so I don't eat as much as I should and my medicine routine has changed a bit, So, I'm good there.
Members of my family have been expressing their interest in teaching me how to drive since I'm the only one in the family that doesn't even truly understand how to work a car. I think that's my next big endeavor. I have no idea when it will happen, but I'm going to learn how to drive and once I get past that, I'm going to buy a car.
Things look like they are fine and everything's coming along, but my better me is still in progress. I have to get rid of THE block and get more productive. What better time to start than during Autumn?
September 26, 2012
Page 269: The Ghosts of Spend-a-Paloozas Past
It's just about that time already, time for the biggest fall event in this corner: Spend-A-Palooza!
More often than not, I enjoy the anticipation of this moment more than I enjoy the actual shopping, but there are factors involved, like not knowing how to drive and being tired because all of the anticipation is over. Despite my love for thinking about how it's coming until it's finally here, there has always been gratitude for being able to have fun like this.
This upcoming S-A-P had me thinking about the past fall S-A-Ps I've had, dating back to four years ago. Four years doesn't seem like that long ago, but it feels like a lifetime to me, especially since I hadn't begun to blog yet.
Four years ago, I was just married and living with my new husband and my sister. My first Spend-A-Palooza started out like this: I got two checks from my school and one check from the 401k that I had cashed out as soon as I was fired from my first BIG TIME job. With the first of the checks, I bought my very first laptop, who I'm pretty sure didn't have a name, as well as a printer and some Sims games. I also paid some rent and probably some bills. I also gave my mom some money. With my 401k, I gave my brother some money, bought some stuff for my mom and bought some clothes as well as some stuff for the bathroom. With the last of the checks, I bought more house stuff (sheets, blankets, a vacuum) and my first iPod Nano as well as a warranty for my computer and my first set of VS panties.
Three years ago, I bought another computer and another iPod Nano, except that I returned three separate computers in a span of two weeks until I met Petunia. I also bought a lot of clothes. Like, a lot of them (which I still have and still fit -- well, the majority of the clothes). During that time, I was living in a new place and living alone (this was shortly after T left, though he did surprise me by coming on this day), but I had fun and my place ended up a colossal mess of papers and boxes. I did some decorating when I bought new things for my bathroom. I also took a trip to Target and bought some new dishes for my place as well as some other peripherals (which I don't remember). This was one of my first trips to a new Target by myself but would not be my last jaunt to Target that year.
Two years ago (which is where this blog comes in), I had just entered life on academic probation and was seven months into living with my mom again (what a difference a year makes). Instead of buying a new computer and/or a new iPod Nano, which seemed to be the tradition of the previous years past, I bought a desk to kick off the festivities and get into the schoolgirl mood. Then, I bought an iPod Touch, which I was immediately addicted to. This was also the year that I had gotten into books and bought plenty of them. I also bought Steve Madden boots I eventually gave to my sister and pierced my ears, though the earrings soon had to be taken out because I had a bad reaction to them. I replaced the Steve Madden boots with riding boots and faux Uggs, and visited my first VS Pink Shopping Party, where I extended my collection of leggings (which I wore pretty much for the rest of that year). I also made my first purchases at Crate and Barrel, Williams-Sonoma and Pottery Barn. Soda syrup for the win!
Last year, I bought a new computer (Bella) and entered the world of digital books by purchasing a Kindle and the first batch of the now over 100 books I now have. I also bought new shoes and a purse as well as more soda syrup from Williams-Sonoma. Overall, I bought smaller items like a new wallet and a necklace for my mom, and I also paid some bills, because most of my money went towards the computer. I also received another check when I returned from Orlando, but that went to bills. However, I did get the chance to have an extra Spend-A-Palooza because my mom gave me some big bucks. With that money, I bought DVDs and some perfume and more clothes, a camera and an iPhone 4S as well as Christmas items for my family and more books for my Kindle as well as a couple of actual books and pretty stationery.
(Note: I've had more Spend-A-Paloozas than these, but we're just talking about the ones that occurred in the Fall)
Now, we're nearing the fourth annual (or is it fifth?) Spend-A-Palooza and I have some plans, but I'm also different than I was last year. I have completely different teeth now. How this will begin and how it will ultimately turn out is really in the air right now, but I'm excited. I think this is one of my favorite times of the year because it's not in the cold and it's not in the summer. It's right when Fall is coming to town and I can have a shopping day to myself.
Hello, Fall. It's good to see you again.
More often than not, I enjoy the anticipation of this moment more than I enjoy the actual shopping, but there are factors involved, like not knowing how to drive and being tired because all of the anticipation is over. Despite my love for thinking about how it's coming until it's finally here, there has always been gratitude for being able to have fun like this.
This upcoming S-A-P had me thinking about the past fall S-A-Ps I've had, dating back to four years ago. Four years doesn't seem like that long ago, but it feels like a lifetime to me, especially since I hadn't begun to blog yet.
Four years ago, I was just married and living with my new husband and my sister. My first Spend-A-Palooza started out like this: I got two checks from my school and one check from the 401k that I had cashed out as soon as I was fired from my first BIG TIME job. With the first of the checks, I bought my very first laptop, who I'm pretty sure didn't have a name, as well as a printer and some Sims games. I also paid some rent and probably some bills. I also gave my mom some money. With my 401k, I gave my brother some money, bought some stuff for my mom and bought some clothes as well as some stuff for the bathroom. With the last of the checks, I bought more house stuff (sheets, blankets, a vacuum) and my first iPod Nano as well as a warranty for my computer and my first set of VS panties.
Three years ago, I bought another computer and another iPod Nano, except that I returned three separate computers in a span of two weeks until I met Petunia. I also bought a lot of clothes. Like, a lot of them (which I still have and still fit -- well, the majority of the clothes). During that time, I was living in a new place and living alone (this was shortly after T left, though he did surprise me by coming on this day), but I had fun and my place ended up a colossal mess of papers and boxes. I did some decorating when I bought new things for my bathroom. I also took a trip to Target and bought some new dishes for my place as well as some other peripherals (which I don't remember). This was one of my first trips to a new Target by myself but would not be my last jaunt to Target that year.
Two years ago (which is where this blog comes in), I had just entered life on academic probation and was seven months into living with my mom again (what a difference a year makes). Instead of buying a new computer and/or a new iPod Nano, which seemed to be the tradition of the previous years past, I bought a desk to kick off the festivities and get into the schoolgirl mood. Then, I bought an iPod Touch, which I was immediately addicted to. This was also the year that I had gotten into books and bought plenty of them. I also bought Steve Madden boots I eventually gave to my sister and pierced my ears, though the earrings soon had to be taken out because I had a bad reaction to them. I replaced the Steve Madden boots with riding boots and faux Uggs, and visited my first VS Pink Shopping Party, where I extended my collection of leggings (which I wore pretty much for the rest of that year). I also made my first purchases at Crate and Barrel, Williams-Sonoma and Pottery Barn. Soda syrup for the win!
Last year, I bought a new computer (Bella) and entered the world of digital books by purchasing a Kindle and the first batch of the now over 100 books I now have. I also bought new shoes and a purse as well as more soda syrup from Williams-Sonoma. Overall, I bought smaller items like a new wallet and a necklace for my mom, and I also paid some bills, because most of my money went towards the computer. I also received another check when I returned from Orlando, but that went to bills. However, I did get the chance to have an extra Spend-A-Palooza because my mom gave me some big bucks. With that money, I bought DVDs and some perfume and more clothes, a camera and an iPhone 4S as well as Christmas items for my family and more books for my Kindle as well as a couple of actual books and pretty stationery.
(Note: I've had more Spend-A-Paloozas than these, but we're just talking about the ones that occurred in the Fall)
Now, we're nearing the fourth annual (or is it fifth?) Spend-A-Palooza and I have some plans, but I'm also different than I was last year. I have completely different teeth now. How this will begin and how it will ultimately turn out is really in the air right now, but I'm excited. I think this is one of my favorite times of the year because it's not in the cold and it's not in the summer. It's right when Fall is coming to town and I can have a shopping day to myself.
Hello, Fall. It's good to see you again.
September 25, 2012
Page 268: Getting Into Gear
Sometimes, a bagel with cream cheese can solve all my problems.
Let's start here. A very simple, if not a little inaccurate, concept.
To feel better, sometimes all I need is a bagel with cream cheese.
Now, let's take this concept and apply it to every part of my life. It's going to take a little more than one bagel but the concept remains the same.
It takes one simple thing to fix what is seemingly monstrous.
Now, let's return to the earlier scene, in which the bagel analogy needed to be applied to every part of my life. I could go into all of the details about how I'm not happy about this, that and the other, and how the only thing that seems to be pretty much intact is the one area I'm really not working on. However, I would rather not depress a whole bunch of people. Instead, I'll say that my really great talk with Ashley lit a spark and helped me with a couple of the things I needed help on, but the rest is definitely up to me to figure out and prioritize.
I'm not particularly ready to throw in my towel and call myself lazy quite yet.
So (after this long bantering), I guess I can say that this is my fall goal: to become more productive in my life, to take a week or two for the next two and a half months and work on a part of my life that needs the most improvement at that time.
I'm making progress with my schedule (the bare bones foundation of it, at least) and I'm making progress on learning how to relax, so what I need to do now is learn how to stop and start other things during my days. I want to be in a different (read: much better) place than I was when Spring comes around again (read: my 28th birthday). I know what I need to do, even if it's just getting from point A to point A and a half, so I just have to do it and do it slowly to prevent burn out. Burn out is never fun.
Accountability is always fun, so that's why there's even a discussion about priorities here. I know that are quite a few people going through some of the same things I'm going through (even if it's an inkling), so I can be accountable for myself and maybe, possibly, help someone else.
For those of you who are doing this, good luck with your endeavors. As for me, check back Sunday.
Let's start here. A very simple, if not a little inaccurate, concept.
To feel better, sometimes all I need is a bagel with cream cheese.
Now, let's take this concept and apply it to every part of my life. It's going to take a little more than one bagel but the concept remains the same.
It takes one simple thing to fix what is seemingly monstrous.
Now, let's return to the earlier scene, in which the bagel analogy needed to be applied to every part of my life. I could go into all of the details about how I'm not happy about this, that and the other, and how the only thing that seems to be pretty much intact is the one area I'm really not working on. However, I would rather not depress a whole bunch of people. Instead, I'll say that my really great talk with Ashley lit a spark and helped me with a couple of the things I needed help on, but the rest is definitely up to me to figure out and prioritize.
I'm not particularly ready to throw in my towel and call myself lazy quite yet.
So (after this long bantering), I guess I can say that this is my fall goal: to become more productive in my life, to take a week or two for the next two and a half months and work on a part of my life that needs the most improvement at that time.
I'm making progress with my schedule (the bare bones foundation of it, at least) and I'm making progress on learning how to relax, so what I need to do now is learn how to stop and start other things during my days. I want to be in a different (read: much better) place than I was when Spring comes around again (read: my 28th birthday). I know what I need to do, even if it's just getting from point A to point A and a half, so I just have to do it and do it slowly to prevent burn out. Burn out is never fun.
Accountability is always fun, so that's why there's even a discussion about priorities here. I know that are quite a few people going through some of the same things I'm going through (even if it's an inkling), so I can be accountable for myself and maybe, possibly, help someone else.
For those of you who are doing this, good luck with your endeavors. As for me, check back Sunday.
September 24, 2012
Page 267: Ms. President
Today, I became the President.
Well, I'm interim President and it's for the Phoenix, but...still.
I'm a freakin' President.
This makes me feel oddly successful.
My moment was very anti-climactic. I basically wrote my information on a piece of paper and then, it was done. I was announced as interim President and the meeting proceeded as normal. There were only two other people present.
Nevertheless, I think that it suited me, something that was a big deal and not at the same time. Maybe I'll run to be the official President and win, so there'll be a huge celebration then if I decide it's a celebration-worthy occasion. Maybe that moment may be more anti-climactic then today. Who knows? All I know is that I'm the President of a literary and arts society.
My teenage self is cheering madly at the moment I'm having, one she happily gave up on.
I wonder how this will look on my resume.
I plan on basking in this spotlight until I get sick of it.
How was your Monday?
Well, I'm interim President and it's for the Phoenix, but...still.
I'm a freakin' President.
This makes me feel oddly successful.
My moment was very anti-climactic. I basically wrote my information on a piece of paper and then, it was done. I was announced as interim President and the meeting proceeded as normal. There were only two other people present.
Nevertheless, I think that it suited me, something that was a big deal and not at the same time. Maybe I'll run to be the official President and win, so there'll be a huge celebration then if I decide it's a celebration-worthy occasion. Maybe that moment may be more anti-climactic then today. Who knows? All I know is that I'm the President of a literary and arts society.
My teenage self is cheering madly at the moment I'm having, one she happily gave up on.
I wonder how this will look on my resume.
I plan on basking in this spotlight until I get sick of it.
How was your Monday?
September 20, 2012
Page 263: My Half Birthday
I think that today's busyness has made up for the chill week I'd had from Monday to Wednesday. The good thing is that this week is almost over and I'm determined to make next week a little more relaxed, although I have three or four exams next week in school. I'm thinking that the tests will definitely help the time pass.
As you might have guessed, today is my half birthday, which means that I will be turning 28 in another six months. I didn't celebrate it because I would rather spend all the giddiness on my full birthday, but I did have a freshly made bagel with ooey gooey cream cheese. Sometimes, a bagel can solve a lot of problems. I don't have that many problems to begin with, but the bagel did temporarily make me not so tired because I only had about four hours of sleep.
Today was also full of antici...pation (whoever names the movie that came from wins a virtual hug) while I was waiting to get a very important thing in the mail as this is the week before Spend-a-Palooza. I ran around downtown and then went to class, where I finally felt like I would be able to pass a test (which is next Thursday). All of this was after I had gone to one of my doctors (I had bought the bagel before my appointment this morning) and then ran around like a chicken with my head cut off near my home.
How was your day?
As you might have guessed, today is my half birthday, which means that I will be turning 28 in another six months. I didn't celebrate it because I would rather spend all the giddiness on my full birthday, but I did have a freshly made bagel with ooey gooey cream cheese. Sometimes, a bagel can solve a lot of problems. I don't have that many problems to begin with, but the bagel did temporarily make me not so tired because I only had about four hours of sleep.
Today was also full of antici...pation (whoever names the movie that came from wins a virtual hug) while I was waiting to get a very important thing in the mail as this is the week before Spend-a-Palooza. I ran around downtown and then went to class, where I finally felt like I would be able to pass a test (which is next Thursday). All of this was after I had gone to one of my doctors (I had bought the bagel before my appointment this morning) and then ran around like a chicken with my head cut off near my home.
How was your day?
September 11, 2012
Page 254: Lead, Follow or Get Out The Way
I've been given a new lesson. I think.
For those of you who are new to the blog, I feel like I've been given lessons as to what I should do with my life.
Reiterating the previous sentence, I've been giving a new lesson. I think.
I've been giving non-answers to The Phoenix, More Love Letters and my house. I've been making noncommittal steps as I am really awkward with other people. As for them, nothing was definitive. I was being vague and I don't really enjoy being vague but pressure mounting up is not going to make me do anything faster.
As the Interim president of the Phoenix, I have no ideas what my plans would be. However, I know that I will have to take this position as seriously as I would take my job. I can't be wishy-washy about whether I'm participating or not. I have to be the strength of this club.
I sent Hannah a quick email letting explaining my dedication to More Love Letters. I haven't been much of a participant with the group lately and I had been wondering if I was better off leaving. I decided to stay because More Love Letters have fulfilled a part of me that I didn't know I had. I was donating to Donors Choose (which I need to start doing again), but that was it. The best part of doing that, though, was receiving the letters and cards from the students that I donated to. Receiving those things made me happy and with More Love Letters, I can give that feeling to other people through my love letters. So, I am with the team and I look forward to buying some pretty cards, pretty paper and mailing out more letters.
So, I learned something, and I didn't have to learn it the extreme hard way. I am now dedicated into getting my house in order and being a part of three great organizations (including HUGstronger) and trying to participate as much as I can without wearing myself out. I call that a win.
For those of you who are new to the blog, I feel like I've been given lessons as to what I should do with my life.
Reiterating the previous sentence, I've been giving a new lesson. I think.
I've been giving non-answers to The Phoenix, More Love Letters and my house. I've been making noncommittal steps as I am really awkward with other people. As for them, nothing was definitive. I was being vague and I don't really enjoy being vague but pressure mounting up is not going to make me do anything faster.
As the Interim president of the Phoenix, I have no ideas what my plans would be. However, I know that I will have to take this position as seriously as I would take my job. I can't be wishy-washy about whether I'm participating or not. I have to be the strength of this club.
I sent Hannah a quick email letting explaining my dedication to More Love Letters. I haven't been much of a participant with the group lately and I had been wondering if I was better off leaving. I decided to stay because More Love Letters have fulfilled a part of me that I didn't know I had. I was donating to Donors Choose (which I need to start doing again), but that was it. The best part of doing that, though, was receiving the letters and cards from the students that I donated to. Receiving those things made me happy and with More Love Letters, I can give that feeling to other people through my love letters. So, I am with the team and I look forward to buying some pretty cards, pretty paper and mailing out more letters.
So, I learned something, and I didn't have to learn it the extreme hard way. I am now dedicated into getting my house in order and being a part of three great organizations (including HUGstronger) and trying to participate as much as I can without wearing myself out. I call that a win.
September 4, 2012
Page 247: Falling into Fall
Labor Day is the unofficial end of Summer, although the first day of Fall isn't until September 21 or 22, but I'm already feeling the happiness of Autumn's approach spreading through me, making me smile and look forward to the next endeavors ahead.
I feel like I survived Summer, not living through it. Between school at the beginning of it, VEDA in the middle and school at the end, I mainly feel like I was just going through the motions (except with VEDA). I really don't come to life unless there are leaves on the ground and maybe, just maybe, I may shed my summer self there as well.
I have plans, people.
I have plans that involve me getting out of bed and stepping back into the kitchen to experiment with making really tasty drinks of the non-alcoholic sort. I have plans for soups and hot chocolate, chili and homemade spaghetti. I have plans to clean up my room once and for all and make it more comfy and less storage-y. I have plans to cook with my stove instead of with my microwave. I have plans to chill on the weekends with really good movies and take that darned air conditioner out of the window as soon as I legitimately can. I have plans to enjoy Halloween with some of my favorite scary movies, homestyle popcorn and maybe a drink concoction of mine. I have plans for thermals, boots, leggings, sweater-dresses and colorful tights. I have plans to visit Whole Foods every chance I get. I have plans to read the forgotten books and find another one like The Night Circus. I have plans to write, actually write.
I have plans to enjoy every part of my free time away from school.
While my classes are a little difficult, I have no doubt that I will succeed and get the grasp of everything by mid-semester (just as long as my teachers aren't too confusing, which my math teacher is just a little...still, only the second day). The only difference between now and the last few semesters is that I now feel that I have extra time and need to behave accordingly (aka not taking naps all the time).
My main objective is to enjoy this Fall and get ready for the opportunities I have.
I feel like I survived Summer, not living through it. Between school at the beginning of it, VEDA in the middle and school at the end, I mainly feel like I was just going through the motions (except with VEDA). I really don't come to life unless there are leaves on the ground and maybe, just maybe, I may shed my summer self there as well.
I have plans, people.
I have plans that involve me getting out of bed and stepping back into the kitchen to experiment with making really tasty drinks of the non-alcoholic sort. I have plans for soups and hot chocolate, chili and homemade spaghetti. I have plans to clean up my room once and for all and make it more comfy and less storage-y. I have plans to cook with my stove instead of with my microwave. I have plans to chill on the weekends with really good movies and take that darned air conditioner out of the window as soon as I legitimately can. I have plans to enjoy Halloween with some of my favorite scary movies, homestyle popcorn and maybe a drink concoction of mine. I have plans for thermals, boots, leggings, sweater-dresses and colorful tights. I have plans to visit Whole Foods every chance I get. I have plans to read the forgotten books and find another one like The Night Circus. I have plans to write, actually write.
I have plans to enjoy every part of my free time away from school.
While my classes are a little difficult, I have no doubt that I will succeed and get the grasp of everything by mid-semester (just as long as my teachers aren't too confusing, which my math teacher is just a little...still, only the second day). The only difference between now and the last few semesters is that I now feel that I have extra time and need to behave accordingly (aka not taking naps all the time).
My main objective is to enjoy this Fall and get ready for the opportunities I have.
Page 247: Falling into Fall
Labor Day is the unofficial end of Summer, although the first day of Fall isn't until September 21 or 22, but I'm already feeling the happiness of Autumn's approach spreading through me, making me smile and look forward to the next endeavors ahead.
I feel like I survived Summer, not living through it. Between school at the beginning of it, VEDA in the middle and school at the end, I mainly feel like I was just going through the motions (except with VEDA). I really don't come to life unless there are leaves on the ground and maybe, just maybe, I may shed my summer self there as well.
I have plans, people.
I have plans that involve me getting out of bed and stepping back into the kitchen to experiment with making really tasty drinks of the non-alcoholic sort. I have plans for soups and hot chocolate, chili and homemade spaghetti. I have plans to clean up my room once and for all and make it more comfy and less storage-y. I have plans to cook with my stove instead of with my microwave. I have plans to chill on the weekends with really good movies and take that darned air conditioner out of the window as soon as I legitimately can. I have plans to enjoy Halloween with some of my favorite scary movies, homestyle popcorn and maybe a drink concoction of mine. I have plans for thermals, boots, leggings, sweater-dresses and colorful tights. I have plans to visit Whole Foods every chance I get. I have plans to read the forgotten books and find another one like The Night Circus. I have plans to write, actually write.
I have plans to enjoy every part of my free time away from school.
While my classes are a little difficult, I have no doubt that I will succeed and get the grasp of everything by mid-semester (just as long as my teachers aren't too confusing, which my math teacher is just a little...still, only the second day). The only difference between now and the last few semesters is that I now feel that I have extra time and need to behave accordingly (aka not taking naps all the time).
My main objective is to enjoy this Fall and get ready for the opportunities I have.
I feel like I survived Summer, not living through it. Between school at the beginning of it, VEDA in the middle and school at the end, I mainly feel like I was just going through the motions (except with VEDA). I really don't come to life unless there are leaves on the ground and maybe, just maybe, I may shed my summer self there as well.
I have plans, people.
I have plans that involve me getting out of bed and stepping back into the kitchen to experiment with making really tasty drinks of the non-alcoholic sort. I have plans for soups and hot chocolate, chili and homemade spaghetti. I have plans to clean up my room once and for all and make it more comfy and less storage-y. I have plans to cook with my stove instead of with my microwave. I have plans to chill on the weekends with really good movies and take that darned air conditioner out of the window as soon as I legitimately can. I have plans to enjoy Halloween with some of my favorite scary movies, homestyle popcorn and maybe a drink concoction of mine. I have plans for thermals, boots, leggings, sweater-dresses and colorful tights. I have plans to visit Whole Foods every chance I get. I have plans to read the forgotten books and find another one like The Night Circus. I have plans to write, actually write.
I have plans to enjoy every part of my free time away from school.
While my classes are a little difficult, I have no doubt that I will succeed and get the grasp of everything by mid-semester (just as long as my teachers aren't too confusing, which my math teacher is just a little...still, only the second day). The only difference between now and the last few semesters is that I now feel that I have extra time and need to behave accordingly (aka not taking naps all the time).
My main objective is to enjoy this Fall and get ready for the opportunities I have.
August 31, 2012
Page 243: I'm Getting Older, Too...
Yesterday was my father's would be 58th birthday and while I could tell you some really great and really not so great things about him, his obituary was written six years ago.
Meanwhile, I could say that today was the day that I finally grasped the concept of time. To be honest, I was forced to grasp it, after my constant stream of being on auto-pilot propelled me to ignore the notice on the city library system's website that led me to going to a closed library.
Then, there's this whole situation about my head being in a fog and my mind going into dark places, places my mind hasn't gone to in at least a few months. It began last night and continued into today when I returned to old habits such as reading morbid things on Wikipedia and continuing on to the ending of a short story that actually was more gruesome than the Wikipedia page I had read (and inadvertently sparked some serious concern over).
It took me some time to actually figure out what is going on and why I'm feeling so peculiar today. I will admit that I did chalk it up to possible depression, since doctors figure that since I have anxiety, I'm automatically on my way to depression anyway (I'm stating this as fact, not as sarcasm...well, with a little bit of sarcasm added to it). But, that's not it at all.
I'm simply tired.
My auto-pilot switched was turned off last night. I don't know why, but maybe it had to do with the very complicated first day of Elementary Algebra. That's for another day, though. What it comes down to is that I'm starting a very important semester and instead of resting at the end of July, I decided that I could be on auto-pilot just a little bit longer. I couldn't and now, the moment where I knew that I needed to unplug, it has caught up with me.
I consider this a gift and while the lesson could've been a bit better, I know that someone happened to pull me out of the way of a metaphorical moving train right before it hit me. I can't afford to be burnt out like I was in the Spring. I can't afford to fail any classes and repeat them, but I also can't afford to maintain this panic that this is my second to last semester and stay on the mindset that this semester is a matter of life and death because that's not helping, either.
I believe that if I continue to keep myself open, I will be fine. I believe that if I take one day at a time, I can get through this. I believe that sometimes, a mindless comedy with a screenplay in it called Nasty is just what the doctor ordered. And finally, I believe that it's okay to stop but even if I stop, time doesn't.
Meanwhile, I could say that today was the day that I finally grasped the concept of time. To be honest, I was forced to grasp it, after my constant stream of being on auto-pilot propelled me to ignore the notice on the city library system's website that led me to going to a closed library.
Then, there's this whole situation about my head being in a fog and my mind going into dark places, places my mind hasn't gone to in at least a few months. It began last night and continued into today when I returned to old habits such as reading morbid things on Wikipedia and continuing on to the ending of a short story that actually was more gruesome than the Wikipedia page I had read (and inadvertently sparked some serious concern over).
It took me some time to actually figure out what is going on and why I'm feeling so peculiar today. I will admit that I did chalk it up to possible depression, since doctors figure that since I have anxiety, I'm automatically on my way to depression anyway (I'm stating this as fact, not as sarcasm...well, with a little bit of sarcasm added to it). But, that's not it at all.
I'm simply tired.
My auto-pilot switched was turned off last night. I don't know why, but maybe it had to do with the very complicated first day of Elementary Algebra. That's for another day, though. What it comes down to is that I'm starting a very important semester and instead of resting at the end of July, I decided that I could be on auto-pilot just a little bit longer. I couldn't and now, the moment where I knew that I needed to unplug, it has caught up with me.
I consider this a gift and while the lesson could've been a bit better, I know that someone happened to pull me out of the way of a metaphorical moving train right before it hit me. I can't afford to be burnt out like I was in the Spring. I can't afford to fail any classes and repeat them, but I also can't afford to maintain this panic that this is my second to last semester and stay on the mindset that this semester is a matter of life and death because that's not helping, either.
I believe that if I continue to keep myself open, I will be fine. I believe that if I take one day at a time, I can get through this. I believe that sometimes, a mindless comedy with a screenplay in it called Nasty is just what the doctor ordered. And finally, I believe that it's okay to stop but even if I stop, time doesn't.
August 24, 2012
Page 236: Looking Ahead
It feels like I've been saying no to a lot of things or wanting to do things and yet turning them down or stopping them. Still, I know that I'm doing this for a purpose and for the bigger picture and the bigger picture is much more conducive to my life right now.
Tomorrow, I will post my final video for VEDA, with six days left to go. I've been a hot mess today and I have classes to start in two days so I had to make the decision, and I'm going out with twenty five videos under my belt. That's a win for me. Maybe I'll post the final six videos at a later time, but I've officially taken myself out the VEDA fold, although I will still incessantly watch videos and comment.
On Sunday, my new beginning will finally begin and then, I can stop wondering what would happen and start working on the goals I want to achieve this semester. It's all going to be very busy, from what I'm presuming, but I'm trying to prepare myself for it as best as I can. It won't be easy, but I am going to do my best because that's all I can do. Besides, I have so many great plans for myself this fall and my biggest goal is to not try to exhaust myself before the halfway point because that's not going to be good for anyone.
I think I'm going to be writing again soon. I feel like it wants to come out of my fingertips and fly on the page, so I'm going to finally trust Bella and type as much as I possibly can. If it's impatient, then I have plenty of notebooks and pens at the ready. I'm a very prepared woman, you know. I was just telling someone today that notebooks calm the chaos in my mind and that it's very rare that a person truly understands the deep significance of a notebook and those people who do understand are rarities themselves.
So, school and writing, which is beyond the academic capacity, seems to be my only goals for the semester. I feel good about this.
Tomorrow, I will post my final video for VEDA, with six days left to go. I've been a hot mess today and I have classes to start in two days so I had to make the decision, and I'm going out with twenty five videos under my belt. That's a win for me. Maybe I'll post the final six videos at a later time, but I've officially taken myself out the VEDA fold, although I will still incessantly watch videos and comment.
On Sunday, my new beginning will finally begin and then, I can stop wondering what would happen and start working on the goals I want to achieve this semester. It's all going to be very busy, from what I'm presuming, but I'm trying to prepare myself for it as best as I can. It won't be easy, but I am going to do my best because that's all I can do. Besides, I have so many great plans for myself this fall and my biggest goal is to not try to exhaust myself before the halfway point because that's not going to be good for anyone.
I think I'm going to be writing again soon. I feel like it wants to come out of my fingertips and fly on the page, so I'm going to finally trust Bella and type as much as I possibly can. If it's impatient, then I have plenty of notebooks and pens at the ready. I'm a very prepared woman, you know. I was just telling someone today that notebooks calm the chaos in my mind and that it's very rare that a person truly understands the deep significance of a notebook and those people who do understand are rarities themselves.
So, school and writing, which is beyond the academic capacity, seems to be my only goals for the semester. I feel good about this.
August 20, 2012
Page 232: There's No Such Thing As a Finish Line
You'd think that since I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, I'd be content, right? I am, but I know I'm not finished and I will never be finished until I am dead, be it four months and one day from now or forty years and one day from now. There's still so much I need to do and while it can be overwhelming, I don't feel like I want to stop.
My thoughts and emotions always work this way. I see a finish line to one thing and I want to instantly plan the next thing in my life I have to do. For instance, my Earth Science class is actually available right now and I'm ready to dive in because VEDA's almost finished, which means it's technically the end of Summer for me once I'm done and September arrives. Also, a lot of my plans will be set into fruition starting in September, so there's the anticipation in that as well.
At the root of my complete contentment, I could seriously plan things all day and all night and be completely fine with it because the planning is sometimes the best part of it all. Still, the burnout factor is a lot easier when medicine is or has been involved in one way, shape or form. It hinders me from fully achieving my potential because I know what I'm like without the medication and I know what I'm like on the medication. It's almost like two different people.
That's not the point of this post, though. The point of this post is that I'm always going to be planning something, looking forward to the next thing and that is life. If you're not doing that, then you're dead or you want to be dead because you're depressed and I've seen that up close. I also seen how the person was almost physically pushed out of the depressive state that she was in, if we're going to address faith, which I have a lot of.
This can definitely be seen as progress. I don't have the feeling of being lost and being directionless, but there are times when the big picture isn't that big and I want to take on all the things. Overwhelming? Yes. Fulfilling? Most definitely. There will be more obstacles in the way, but life is like one really long Olympics. Sometimes, you win the gold. Sometimes, you win the silver. Sometimes, you win the bronze and then, there are the times when you don't win anything, but you keep going. I keep going because there are children, possibly another marriage, writing a book, finishing college and moving into my own house, as well as so many little things that need to be planned. I can't stop, so I retain my tunnel vision and hop on to the next goal.
My thoughts and emotions always work this way. I see a finish line to one thing and I want to instantly plan the next thing in my life I have to do. For instance, my Earth Science class is actually available right now and I'm ready to dive in because VEDA's almost finished, which means it's technically the end of Summer for me once I'm done and September arrives. Also, a lot of my plans will be set into fruition starting in September, so there's the anticipation in that as well.
At the root of my complete contentment, I could seriously plan things all day and all night and be completely fine with it because the planning is sometimes the best part of it all. Still, the burnout factor is a lot easier when medicine is or has been involved in one way, shape or form. It hinders me from fully achieving my potential because I know what I'm like without the medication and I know what I'm like on the medication. It's almost like two different people.
That's not the point of this post, though. The point of this post is that I'm always going to be planning something, looking forward to the next thing and that is life. If you're not doing that, then you're dead or you want to be dead because you're depressed and I've seen that up close. I also seen how the person was almost physically pushed out of the depressive state that she was in, if we're going to address faith, which I have a lot of.
This can definitely be seen as progress. I don't have the feeling of being lost and being directionless, but there are times when the big picture isn't that big and I want to take on all the things. Overwhelming? Yes. Fulfilling? Most definitely. There will be more obstacles in the way, but life is like one really long Olympics. Sometimes, you win the gold. Sometimes, you win the silver. Sometimes, you win the bronze and then, there are the times when you don't win anything, but you keep going. I keep going because there are children, possibly another marriage, writing a book, finishing college and moving into my own house, as well as so many little things that need to be planned. I can't stop, so I retain my tunnel vision and hop on to the next goal.
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
The majority of the photos and all of the thoughts on this blog comes from yours truly, so be nice and ask if something interests you. Okay? Okay.