It wasn't my intention to be away as long as I have been. It's just that the longer I looked at my blog, I realized that I didn't have much to write about. To be honest, I still don't, but I think we'll be okay. We'll just have to take things slowly.
Last Thursday, I officially took the plunge and declared Global Security as my major. If I'm being technical, Global Studies is my major but Global Security is the track I'm in. I've decided to simplify things and say that I am a Global Security major. I feel accomplished now, especially because I'd come into school as Undeclared. I had set up an appointment and gone to that appointment to declare myself as an English major, but something went horribly wrong there. Now, I have an official major and I'm feeling good about it. I have about 55 credits to go, so that's about four more years or less if I decide to take 15 credits each semester. I'll figure it out, but it's not something I'm worried about.
As of today, I am sick. I have a cold, and I don't even think it's a bad one but it's definitely trying to take me down. I missed two days of classes, but I have an interview tomorrow so I have to go. Next week is also the midterms, so I want to be absolutely on top of my game for them. If that means I have to pump myself with so much cold medicine, I'm sweating DayQuil, so be it.
I feel hopeful. This is a statement I've used many times thus far, but I do feel hopeful. Last night, I was feeling pretty dark, so it's nice to wake up and feel like things will be okay. I feel like a lot is going on in my life, but I don't think there's ever been a time where a lot hasn't been going on in my adult life. I tend to do well when overwhelmed, believe it or not. Methinks it's the anxiety that gets me going.
I'm super excited about going down this road to whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to do. Global Security and peace building is actually making me reassess who I am as a person and how I do things, because I don't want to be a hypocrite. It's hellish and wonderful trying to be a better woman. It's also hellish and wonderful assessing just how much power I have to make positive change. I'm not going to be able to make a difference overnight and I'm trying to reconcile with that, but I think it will be okay because the change I hope to make will be long-lasting and that's better than anything else.
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
October 6, 2015
September 2, 2015
Page 234: The Danger of a Single Story
Today was my first day of class for the fall semester and as previously mentioned, I am taking Global Studies 101: People and Politics as well as Intro to Conflict Resolution and Peace Studies. My Global Studies 101 course was today and along with my fellow classmates, we got down to the nitty-gritty about politics, culture and global issues. There were about 11 issues that are current, but my teacher is a RN PhD who also does research and help lots of people with AIDS in Kenya, so she warned us to let her know when she gets a little too biased about the subject of health.
There was a lot of information to obtain for the first day, but it came down to culture is acquired and culture can be used as a detriment. After the lecture, my classmates and I watched a TED Talk of Chimimanda Adichie, who is a wonderful writer. It was called The Danger of a Single Story, hence the title of this post.
In the TED Talk, Ms. Adichie spoke of how she first read stories about Caucasian children who talked about the weather and enjoyed the sun, and how it was discouraging because there was no one in the stories that was like her. When she was a child, there was also a houseboy that worked for her family and her mother always pointed out how poor the houseboy and his family were, but Ms. Adichie was shocked when she and her family visited the houseboy's home and was astonished to see a beautiful basket that the houseboy's brother made himself. She thought that the family was too poor to make anything.
When Ms. Adichie arrived in America for college, her roommate was stunned that she spoke perfect English instead of gibberish and listened to Mariah Carey instead of "tribal music." According to John Locke and Rudyard Kipling, people in Africa were dark and evil, and Ms. Adichie believed that the single idea in these stories/statements were passed down to her roommate, who made these stupid assumptions about her.
(if you want to TL;DR, watch the video here)
After watching the video, I got to thinking about what stereotypes I may be harboring for the sheer reason of because it was what I had learned. At the age of 30, there aren't many stereotypes, but that's not true of everyone. People are color are targeted constantly because of the stereotypes they are subjected to. Black people are considered to be ignorant, "ghetto" and loud. They eat fried chicken and watermelon. Hispanic people are considered to be the ones who would take any jobs, stealing the resources from this country by crossing the border. Middle Eastern people are constantly considered to be suspicious. After 9/11, I doubt that there has been one Middle Eastern adult that has not been called a terrorist. Asian people are considered to be super smart. Their women are fetishized by the "geisha" stereotype.
These problematic labels were all created by a single story that has been constantly perpetuated throughout generations. There are even more stereotypes that I haven't mentioned in this post, and a lot of people are mentioned in those stereotypes, including Caucasian people.
I know that I haven't even touched on what I will learn in this class, but a single story can be more dangerous than you know. I am definitely reflecting on what I've learned, what I've shared and how I've encouraged stereotypes. I hate the term "learning experience," especially because of the many times I've heard it this year alone, but I guess my class and today has been a learning experience for me. I have to check my stereotypical thoughts at the door, and I look forward to that because I will benefit so much from it. If I can benefit from it, I'll be able to help others benefit from it as well.
What are some of the single stories you have heard?
P.S: Did you know that today, 21,000 children have died? Did you know that African-American men in Harlem have shorter life spans than people in Bangladesh, Japan and Algiers combined? Did you also know that the U.S is #29 when it comes to the rating of our healthcare and that our GDP is $48,000 while Kenya's is $1,600? The more you know...
There was a lot of information to obtain for the first day, but it came down to culture is acquired and culture can be used as a detriment. After the lecture, my classmates and I watched a TED Talk of Chimimanda Adichie, who is a wonderful writer. It was called The Danger of a Single Story, hence the title of this post.
In the TED Talk, Ms. Adichie spoke of how she first read stories about Caucasian children who talked about the weather and enjoyed the sun, and how it was discouraging because there was no one in the stories that was like her. When she was a child, there was also a houseboy that worked for her family and her mother always pointed out how poor the houseboy and his family were, but Ms. Adichie was shocked when she and her family visited the houseboy's home and was astonished to see a beautiful basket that the houseboy's brother made himself. She thought that the family was too poor to make anything.
When Ms. Adichie arrived in America for college, her roommate was stunned that she spoke perfect English instead of gibberish and listened to Mariah Carey instead of "tribal music." According to John Locke and Rudyard Kipling, people in Africa were dark and evil, and Ms. Adichie believed that the single idea in these stories/statements were passed down to her roommate, who made these stupid assumptions about her.
(if you want to TL;DR, watch the video here)
After watching the video, I got to thinking about what stereotypes I may be harboring for the sheer reason of because it was what I had learned. At the age of 30, there aren't many stereotypes, but that's not true of everyone. People are color are targeted constantly because of the stereotypes they are subjected to. Black people are considered to be ignorant, "ghetto" and loud. They eat fried chicken and watermelon. Hispanic people are considered to be the ones who would take any jobs, stealing the resources from this country by crossing the border. Middle Eastern people are constantly considered to be suspicious. After 9/11, I doubt that there has been one Middle Eastern adult that has not been called a terrorist. Asian people are considered to be super smart. Their women are fetishized by the "geisha" stereotype.
These problematic labels were all created by a single story that has been constantly perpetuated throughout generations. There are even more stereotypes that I haven't mentioned in this post, and a lot of people are mentioned in those stereotypes, including Caucasian people.
I know that I haven't even touched on what I will learn in this class, but a single story can be more dangerous than you know. I am definitely reflecting on what I've learned, what I've shared and how I've encouraged stereotypes. I hate the term "learning experience," especially because of the many times I've heard it this year alone, but I guess my class and today has been a learning experience for me. I have to check my stereotypical thoughts at the door, and I look forward to that because I will benefit so much from it. If I can benefit from it, I'll be able to help others benefit from it as well.
What are some of the single stories you have heard?
P.S: Did you know that today, 21,000 children have died? Did you know that African-American men in Harlem have shorter life spans than people in Bangladesh, Japan and Algiers combined? Did you also know that the U.S is #29 when it comes to the rating of our healthcare and that our GDP is $48,000 while Kenya's is $1,600? The more you know...
February 23, 2015
Page 54: Feeling Passionate (25 Days)
I spent a lot of time growing up without passion for the world's issues. I was aware of how drugs were bad, stranger danger, homelessness, the hunger in Somalia, animal cruelty, AIDS, cancer, war and other issues that would show up on a commercial or on television but it didn't affect me. The biggest issue that had my attention was domestic violence, but everything else felt separate from me to an extent. If anything, I locked myself up in a bubble when I was 15 and chose not to come out until I absolutely had to.
If you didn't already know, I dropped out of high school at 15 years old and didn't graduate until 22. Though highly intelligent and extremely lazy, I kept my ear to the ground and spent those 7 years watching current events. However, I didn't feel passionate about anything because it didn't interrupt my life or my corner of the world until it did. Even then, I was indifferent to it all.
In the past few months, however, I've become more passionate about a lot of issues happening in the world. At first, it began with reading news articles and feeling strongly about the wrong and injustice. Then, it evolved to forming an opinion. Now, I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't speak out about something I feel is wrong.
My mother has always been very outspoken. I never saw her stay quiet about something she believed was wrong. I've tried to get her to not speak up and a lot of the time, I was afraid of what the repercussions would be if she did. Then, I stopped worrying and I stopped trying to stop my mother. Finally, I started to speak even louder than her.
I realize that I am going to alienate people and I may lose friends. I am fully aware that my opinion is not going to be liked by all and I don't think I'll ever be President now (damn it!), but I think that my life would less worthwhile and I would be doing a great injustice to many people if I don't let my voice be heard. Besides, the good people in this world would never accept it (the world) the way that it is.
Last night and this morning provided me with a soapbox of issues I've become more passionate about: feminism and race relations. There was some very controversial things that were said and instead of letting it go over my head like most things do (like that "Bye, Felicia" thing), I spoke out.
I spoke out against a popular British actor because of his use of the term "colored people" even though this is 2015 and at least 50 years past the civil rights movement. I also spoke out against an American actor (popular is something I'm not so sure about) and his joke against a man of Hispanic origins. I also spoke out this morning about a newly awarded American actress's belief that the LGBT community and people of color need to chip in and help the wage war going on between men and women. I'm still learning how to use my words properly and not become some hellion that screams just to scream, but these things upset me and I'm going to speak about things that upset me.
It feels good to speak about things that I care about. It feels good for my voice to help people, even if it's one person at a time. I'm a little sad about that not being President thing, but I'll live.
What are you passionate about?
If you didn't already know, I dropped out of high school at 15 years old and didn't graduate until 22. Though highly intelligent and extremely lazy, I kept my ear to the ground and spent those 7 years watching current events. However, I didn't feel passionate about anything because it didn't interrupt my life or my corner of the world until it did. Even then, I was indifferent to it all.
In the past few months, however, I've become more passionate about a lot of issues happening in the world. At first, it began with reading news articles and feeling strongly about the wrong and injustice. Then, it evolved to forming an opinion. Now, I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't speak out about something I feel is wrong.
My mother has always been very outspoken. I never saw her stay quiet about something she believed was wrong. I've tried to get her to not speak up and a lot of the time, I was afraid of what the repercussions would be if she did. Then, I stopped worrying and I stopped trying to stop my mother. Finally, I started to speak even louder than her.
I realize that I am going to alienate people and I may lose friends. I am fully aware that my opinion is not going to be liked by all and I don't think I'll ever be President now (damn it!), but I think that my life would less worthwhile and I would be doing a great injustice to many people if I don't let my voice be heard. Besides, the good people in this world would never accept it (the world) the way that it is.
Last night and this morning provided me with a soapbox of issues I've become more passionate about: feminism and race relations. There was some very controversial things that were said and instead of letting it go over my head like most things do (like that "Bye, Felicia" thing), I spoke out.
I spoke out against a popular British actor because of his use of the term "colored people" even though this is 2015 and at least 50 years past the civil rights movement. I also spoke out against an American actor (popular is something I'm not so sure about) and his joke against a man of Hispanic origins. I also spoke out this morning about a newly awarded American actress's belief that the LGBT community and people of color need to chip in and help the wage war going on between men and women. I'm still learning how to use my words properly and not become some hellion that screams just to scream, but these things upset me and I'm going to speak about things that upset me.
It feels good to speak about things that I care about. It feels good for my voice to help people, even if it's one person at a time. I'm a little sad about that not being President thing, but I'll live.
What are you passionate about?
July 31, 2014
Goodbye
Yesterday, I said goodbye to Tym before they cremated him. I got on a Greyhound bus by myself and proceeded to spend almost four hours going through his personal effects to take with me, speaking with his HR manager about the life insurance policy he listed me as the beneficiary of and going to see him before he became ash. I spent time with his parents and they looked older, like this aged them at least 10-20 years. His mom was tired and frail.
My family was worried about me going to see his body because of my sister's encounter with my father at his funeral. To be honest, I didn't know if I would be able to go through with seeing him. When I first seen him in his coffin shaped cardboard box, I almost turned the other way but I ended up staying in the room, where solemn music was playing and the seats were empty. I spent a good bit of time with his body and talked to him. I scolded him a little. I prayed to God to keep him safe in Heaven. I asked my loved ones that have departed to watch over him because Lord knows he needs it. I told him that I donated some of his parts and stuff to science and to other people because I think he'd get a kick out of being donated to science. Then, curiosity got the better of me and I got a little pokey.
His hair felt normal and so did his facial hair. His shoulder felt stiff and his face felt weird, but I didn't get too touchy-feely. He looked peaceful but not at the same time. Everything but his face was covered by a white sheet because of the accident and all, but I got to say goodbye. I said goodbye to something that looked very much like a wax figure, but I said goodbye and that's what really matters to me.
I guess the hardest thing for me is the fact that there are things I'll never be able to do with him again. I won't be able to text him or call him and talk with him in real time. I won't be able to hug him or touch his face or run my fingers through his hair. He won't ever hold my hand again or poke my nose or kiss me. That's what I want the most, too. I've called his phone at least five times in the past three days, hoping he would pick up. Of course, he hasn't because he's currently busy with being dead. I wish I could be selfish with him just for one day or night or month or year. I wish I could physically touch him. Most of our photos always had us touching, hugging each other, holding hands, etc. I feel deprived of it all and there's a hole in my chest that misses him desperately.
As for the funeral, I guess that the person who hit Tym was insured and is supposed will be paying for the expenses for the cremation and everything. Dad #2 (Chris, aka Tym's father) told me that he dealt with closing Tym's bank accounts and everything. A lot of people know my address and phone number now, though, because I was his next of kin, emergency contact, his wife. There's supposed to be a whirlwind of a windfall and it's not something I'm entirely enthused about. It's been really hard to talk about how much I stand to inherit without bursting into tears or nearly doing so or feeling guilty. That he was insured is okay, but nothing will take his place. Getting a shitload of money isn't going to heal me.
I miss him terribly and it's not getting better. I'm angry and tired all the time when I'm not medicated, numb or sad. I just miss touching him and talking to him. I don't think that will go away but there was a brief time on the way to Ripon where I felt alive and normal. Everything was so technicolor and peaceful and different than how I saw it when I was 25 and was spending the week with Tym down there, miserable because I'd just moved back home only months before and was still sad that he was not coming home.
I have some of his stuff. It's in a bag in my room. The rest of his belongings will be given away because he had a lot of things and I didn't want it all. I don't know when I'll actually go through the stuff I have but I feel better knowing it's here and his parents won't have to see some of the things they shouldn't see. He's nothing but memory and tangible things now. It's stupid and doesn't make any sense but this is my new normal.
My family was worried about me going to see his body because of my sister's encounter with my father at his funeral. To be honest, I didn't know if I would be able to go through with seeing him. When I first seen him in his coffin shaped cardboard box, I almost turned the other way but I ended up staying in the room, where solemn music was playing and the seats were empty. I spent a good bit of time with his body and talked to him. I scolded him a little. I prayed to God to keep him safe in Heaven. I asked my loved ones that have departed to watch over him because Lord knows he needs it. I told him that I donated some of his parts and stuff to science and to other people because I think he'd get a kick out of being donated to science. Then, curiosity got the better of me and I got a little pokey.
His hair felt normal and so did his facial hair. His shoulder felt stiff and his face felt weird, but I didn't get too touchy-feely. He looked peaceful but not at the same time. Everything but his face was covered by a white sheet because of the accident and all, but I got to say goodbye. I said goodbye to something that looked very much like a wax figure, but I said goodbye and that's what really matters to me.
I guess the hardest thing for me is the fact that there are things I'll never be able to do with him again. I won't be able to text him or call him and talk with him in real time. I won't be able to hug him or touch his face or run my fingers through his hair. He won't ever hold my hand again or poke my nose or kiss me. That's what I want the most, too. I've called his phone at least five times in the past three days, hoping he would pick up. Of course, he hasn't because he's currently busy with being dead. I wish I could be selfish with him just for one day or night or month or year. I wish I could physically touch him. Most of our photos always had us touching, hugging each other, holding hands, etc. I feel deprived of it all and there's a hole in my chest that misses him desperately.
As for the funeral, I guess that the person who hit Tym was insured and is supposed will be paying for the expenses for the cremation and everything. Dad #2 (Chris, aka Tym's father) told me that he dealt with closing Tym's bank accounts and everything. A lot of people know my address and phone number now, though, because I was his next of kin, emergency contact, his wife. There's supposed to be a whirlwind of a windfall and it's not something I'm entirely enthused about. It's been really hard to talk about how much I stand to inherit without bursting into tears or nearly doing so or feeling guilty. That he was insured is okay, but nothing will take his place. Getting a shitload of money isn't going to heal me.
I miss him terribly and it's not getting better. I'm angry and tired all the time when I'm not medicated, numb or sad. I just miss touching him and talking to him. I don't think that will go away but there was a brief time on the way to Ripon where I felt alive and normal. Everything was so technicolor and peaceful and different than how I saw it when I was 25 and was spending the week with Tym down there, miserable because I'd just moved back home only months before and was still sad that he was not coming home.
I have some of his stuff. It's in a bag in my room. The rest of his belongings will be given away because he had a lot of things and I didn't want it all. I don't know when I'll actually go through the stuff I have but I feel better knowing it's here and his parents won't have to see some of the things they shouldn't see. He's nothing but memory and tangible things now. It's stupid and doesn't make any sense but this is my new normal.
November 16, 2013
slowly going along the path
Yesterday, I finished week two of training in the classroom at work. This upcoming week will be my final week in the classroom and then, my classmates and I will be going into what is called "greenhouse," where we'll start to get a feel for taking calls and being on the floor with the other specialists. It feels like the week dragged on at times, but it really flew by and I had no idea how fast this moment would come.
Sometimes, I think about what I would be doing right now if I didn't have a job, and I can't even imagine the desire to be in that headspace anymore. Earlier this year, I felt like being at home and resting was the perfect thing for me and it was. It was for a great amount of time but now that I'm working, I feel like I'm right where I need to be. I'm getting a really good challenge and meeting new people. I'm out of the house every day and in an atmosphere that similar to school but also immensely different. I'm living in a trial and error period and goodness, there's been quite a few errors, but I'm learning.
I still feel like I'm in a dream, even if that dream is to wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning to get an hour or so before I have to get ready for work. Having a job has awakened some dormant interests in me, though. During the first week, I wanted to write desperately, and that's still happening a bit. The desire is strong, though, and I haven't felt like that in a good long while. I also feel excited to start shopping again. At the end of last year and earlier this year, I actually felt depressed about going out and buying things. To me, it felt like too much work and I even ventured into online shopping in February, but I'm starting to feel giddy about it again. The fact that Christmas is coming and December is a three paycheck month makes my excitement just that better.
Life has not been perfect by far. Going out and buying lunch is just too much work for me. Winter is coming, and I need to start dressing for it. I also see all of the things and want to buy them so I can have them tomorrow. Then, there's also the itch of living on my own battling the itch of wanting to stay home a little longer because it's just really nice and comforting to have my mom with me and I can possibly buy all the things. Paranoia and perfectionism have been making themselves known. I miss Sonic with every beat of my heart. My pedestrian rage has come back, I'm really starting to figure out who and what is worth my time and money and sometimes, my bed feels like a comfy alternative to waiting for a bus in chilly weather.
However, I go into work and during that time, everything melts away. On that campus, I am just fine and I am happy. I am grateful and I feel blessed. It's like being a child in kindergarten learning my alphabet and a teenager in college whose knowledge is vast at the same time.
God has put me right where I want to be, and I couldn't be any more content.
Sometimes, I think about what I would be doing right now if I didn't have a job, and I can't even imagine the desire to be in that headspace anymore. Earlier this year, I felt like being at home and resting was the perfect thing for me and it was. It was for a great amount of time but now that I'm working, I feel like I'm right where I need to be. I'm getting a really good challenge and meeting new people. I'm out of the house every day and in an atmosphere that similar to school but also immensely different. I'm living in a trial and error period and goodness, there's been quite a few errors, but I'm learning.
I still feel like I'm in a dream, even if that dream is to wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning to get an hour or so before I have to get ready for work. Having a job has awakened some dormant interests in me, though. During the first week, I wanted to write desperately, and that's still happening a bit. The desire is strong, though, and I haven't felt like that in a good long while. I also feel excited to start shopping again. At the end of last year and earlier this year, I actually felt depressed about going out and buying things. To me, it felt like too much work and I even ventured into online shopping in February, but I'm starting to feel giddy about it again. The fact that Christmas is coming and December is a three paycheck month makes my excitement just that better.
Life has not been perfect by far. Going out and buying lunch is just too much work for me. Winter is coming, and I need to start dressing for it. I also see all of the things and want to buy them so I can have them tomorrow. Then, there's also the itch of living on my own battling the itch of wanting to stay home a little longer because it's just really nice and comforting to have my mom with me and I can possibly buy all the things. Paranoia and perfectionism have been making themselves known. I miss Sonic with every beat of my heart. My pedestrian rage has come back, I'm really starting to figure out who and what is worth my time and money and sometimes, my bed feels like a comfy alternative to waiting for a bus in chilly weather.
However, I go into work and during that time, everything melts away. On that campus, I am just fine and I am happy. I am grateful and I feel blessed. It's like being a child in kindergarten learning my alphabet and a teenager in college whose knowledge is vast at the same time.
God has put me right where I want to be, and I couldn't be any more content.
July 10, 2013
do-overs, notebooks & other stuff
I've left school, ended my time with organizations I've been with for years and am now divorced. What I've learned is that ending things is hard, even if it is, or was, my decision to end it. It's like tearing a part of yourself away and trying to go forward without completely healing the torn away part. That may be a gross metaphor, but it's true.
Because of my happy (and unhappy) endings this year, I'm giving myself a do-over. I'm pretty sure this occurs when one has nothing to do, but I need this do-over badly. In August, I start the process to get into UW-Milwaukee and unless I get a job, which I'm now being advised not to do because of my increasing (self-inflicted) anxiety, I don't have much to do except stuff around my house, visit the library and go to my new psychiatrist (my old one is in a different part of her med school residency now). Next month will bring a podiatrist, a dental visit and possibly a movie, but this month is the month where I need to make changes.
In related but non-related news, The Stocking of the School Supplies has begun at my local Wal-Mart. I'm a Target fan personally, but there isn't a Target near my house and I don't drive, so I go to Wal-Mart. The Stocking of the School Supplies is like a holiday to me, my second favorite one after Christmas and I could deal with no presents at Christmas if I get gift cards to buy things during School Supply time. Not having much money, though, presents the problem of wanting but not having. Since I'm closer to 30 than 20, I've learned a lot of self-control but I do manage to slip in and buy a couple of notebooks that are between $.42 and $.97. I am still a smart shopper above everything else, but I was warned that I'm the type of person who gets things piece by piece and spend the most money that way.
So, I've purchased some notebooks. I plan on doing some writing. I've been working on an editing project, but that one is going slowly. I've also checked out books from the library, which is nice because I no longer have my Kindles or my iPad and reading actual books have made me giddy again. I have trouble with wanting to give them back, but it's nice to have books again.
It's also nice and a bit weird to edit something that isn't finished. The changes have been coming very easily, though. I took a small break once the notebooks started coming into the house, but I promise I'll return to the editing. By now, I have a laundry list of things I've started and want to finally finish. My sister has also been trying to spend time with me. I love hanging out with her, but it doesn't seem like our free time is at the same time. She is taking me out to a movie tomorrow, so that is going to be a fun change of pace from the past few weeks.
What I'm eating is also going through some flux. I'm still sensitive to bread, rice, potatoes and pasta (which is the worst), but it may be an effect of a higher dosage of medicine I'd been breaking in half. I made a change to that medication so I'll find out this month. I hope it is medication based because I already can't eat/drink dairy and drink anything with caffeine in it, but this is the same old song and dance I've been lamenting since I was fifteen. I think that the point has been made.
I am forever blessed to wake up and be able to start things over but I feel like I'm finally going to take advantage of it all now, just like I did when I returned to my school four years ago. I'm going to keep looking forward, hold my head high and accept my losses when they come but revel in my successes with a passion. I'm going to stop putting up people who I can't trust or make me unhappy. I'm going to stop putting myself in situations that I will later regret. I'm going to continue to keep my room clean. I'm going to rock this do-over.
Because of my happy (and unhappy) endings this year, I'm giving myself a do-over. I'm pretty sure this occurs when one has nothing to do, but I need this do-over badly. In August, I start the process to get into UW-Milwaukee and unless I get a job, which I'm now being advised not to do because of my increasing (self-inflicted) anxiety, I don't have much to do except stuff around my house, visit the library and go to my new psychiatrist (my old one is in a different part of her med school residency now). Next month will bring a podiatrist, a dental visit and possibly a movie, but this month is the month where I need to make changes.
In related but non-related news, The Stocking of the School Supplies has begun at my local Wal-Mart. I'm a Target fan personally, but there isn't a Target near my house and I don't drive, so I go to Wal-Mart. The Stocking of the School Supplies is like a holiday to me, my second favorite one after Christmas and I could deal with no presents at Christmas if I get gift cards to buy things during School Supply time. Not having much money, though, presents the problem of wanting but not having. Since I'm closer to 30 than 20, I've learned a lot of self-control but I do manage to slip in and buy a couple of notebooks that are between $.42 and $.97. I am still a smart shopper above everything else, but I was warned that I'm the type of person who gets things piece by piece and spend the most money that way.
So, I've purchased some notebooks. I plan on doing some writing. I've been working on an editing project, but that one is going slowly. I've also checked out books from the library, which is nice because I no longer have my Kindles or my iPad and reading actual books have made me giddy again. I have trouble with wanting to give them back, but it's nice to have books again.
It's also nice and a bit weird to edit something that isn't finished. The changes have been coming very easily, though. I took a small break once the notebooks started coming into the house, but I promise I'll return to the editing. By now, I have a laundry list of things I've started and want to finally finish. My sister has also been trying to spend time with me. I love hanging out with her, but it doesn't seem like our free time is at the same time. She is taking me out to a movie tomorrow, so that is going to be a fun change of pace from the past few weeks.
What I'm eating is also going through some flux. I'm still sensitive to bread, rice, potatoes and pasta (which is the worst), but it may be an effect of a higher dosage of medicine I'd been breaking in half. I made a change to that medication so I'll find out this month. I hope it is medication based because I already can't eat/drink dairy and drink anything with caffeine in it, but this is the same old song and dance I've been lamenting since I was fifteen. I think that the point has been made.
I am forever blessed to wake up and be able to start things over but I feel like I'm finally going to take advantage of it all now, just like I did when I returned to my school four years ago. I'm going to keep looking forward, hold my head high and accept my losses when they come but revel in my successes with a passion. I'm going to stop putting up people who I can't trust or make me unhappy. I'm going to stop putting myself in situations that I will later regret. I'm going to continue to keep my room clean. I'm going to rock this do-over.
June 5, 2013
getting it right 55% of the time
If there was a title for my autobiography (coming in 2053), it would be that: Getting it Right 55% of the time.
I don't think I'm ever really going to get it completely together in my life. I don't think anyone ever does (SPOILER ALERT), but I just know that I'm going to end up in the pursuit of something else once I finish another thing. If you add children to this, then that's definitely a for certain, definite fact.
I could've saved myself some time and a possible quarter-life crisis if I'd gotten this sooner but again, that is not my life. I had to go through a roller-coaster marriage to know that I for sure don't want to get married. I had to not get pregnant to know that I want to. I had to move home and live with my mother to know that I actually really like living on my own but I love my mother with my heart and soul. Hell, my father had to die for me to know that I loved him more than I thought and I miss him more than I care about my life (but can't really want to die because I'd probably break my mother's heart).
My life is like a puzzle with many, many pieces and once one section is finished, there's a whole new one to figure out and put together. My life is a never-ending puzzle, and I've never put a puzzle together before. A puzzle to me is something I could easily sort out and complete, but I don't think it's supposed to be that easy. Of course, I'm comparing my existence to a toy/game of challenge, but I think you get the gist.
On days like this, when I assume I'm getting a little bit closer to wondering why my life isn't like x, y or z's, I then console myself with the knowledge that I can't possibly be like anyone else I know and they can't possibly be like me. I also console myself with the fact that they're not 100% together, either, and their lives are also like never-ending puzzles but in different ways.
Surprisingly, I don't feel my life draining out of me like an infected wound. Right now, I don't want any children and I'm fairly fine with not thinking about being a parent at this moment and in the near future. I'm a little desperate to get back into college because I'm worried that I will be stuck doing absolutely nothing and may drive myself insane. I really want some cold pasta salad and I could go for a big, frosty cup of Pepsi. However, I am fine. I'm basking in some new office supplies and in an alternate story of my story and in the fact that I've finally aligned my blog buttons and added one for Fizz and Shimmer today. Tomorrow, I'll have something else I need to work on because that's how it works.
I don't think I'm ever really going to get it completely together in my life. I don't think anyone ever does (SPOILER ALERT), but I just know that I'm going to end up in the pursuit of something else once I finish another thing. If you add children to this, then that's definitely a for certain, definite fact.
I could've saved myself some time and a possible quarter-life crisis if I'd gotten this sooner but again, that is not my life. I had to go through a roller-coaster marriage to know that I for sure don't want to get married. I had to not get pregnant to know that I want to. I had to move home and live with my mother to know that I actually really like living on my own but I love my mother with my heart and soul. Hell, my father had to die for me to know that I loved him more than I thought and I miss him more than I care about my life (but can't really want to die because I'd probably break my mother's heart).
My life is like a puzzle with many, many pieces and once one section is finished, there's a whole new one to figure out and put together. My life is a never-ending puzzle, and I've never put a puzzle together before. A puzzle to me is something I could easily sort out and complete, but I don't think it's supposed to be that easy. Of course, I'm comparing my existence to a toy/game of challenge, but I think you get the gist.
On days like this, when I assume I'm getting a little bit closer to wondering why my life isn't like x, y or z's, I then console myself with the knowledge that I can't possibly be like anyone else I know and they can't possibly be like me. I also console myself with the fact that they're not 100% together, either, and their lives are also like never-ending puzzles but in different ways.
Surprisingly, I don't feel my life draining out of me like an infected wound. Right now, I don't want any children and I'm fairly fine with not thinking about being a parent at this moment and in the near future. I'm a little desperate to get back into college because I'm worried that I will be stuck doing absolutely nothing and may drive myself insane. I really want some cold pasta salad and I could go for a big, frosty cup of Pepsi. However, I am fine. I'm basking in some new office supplies and in an alternate story of my story and in the fact that I've finally aligned my blog buttons and added one for Fizz and Shimmer today. Tomorrow, I'll have something else I need to work on because that's how it works.
May 24, 2013
oiling the rusty parts
Given the way my brain hurts right now, I can safely say that I think that I've been playing a little stupid.
I wouldn't attack anyone with big words but I don't believe that I've been using much of my potential in the brain department. Tonight, I finished reading the second book I've read in two days or so. I started reading it on the bus and then I started reading a book on my iPad while keeping the hardcover bookmarked. I finished reading the book on the iPad first, because it was more of a feel good book. I owed it to myself to finish the hardcover, though, so I did and I feel like I've processed way too much in a short time. I haven't read more than one book at a time for so long, and I feel a little guilty for not doing it sooner or stopping when I should've been keeping my brain a bit sharper.
Now that I've been at home and not concentrating on school, I feel like I've let a lot slip out of my fingers and I should really try to pick them back up. I started working on my book again, but I'm a little rusty so I have to ease into it. I've been reading cookbooks and books I've already read so I know what's going to happen. That doesn't feel like that requires that much brainpower, especially if you've read the book over three times. I think I've spoiled myself in the way that people do when they make excuses in order to keep from exerting themselves too much. I used school as a crutch and now that I'm on a legitimate summer vacation, I've (unconsciously) committed to working on things I'm rusty at and well, it's not really going to be easy. Hard work never is, right?
There will not be any declaration of commitment today, no big proclamations of things I plan to do until August is over. I'm just going to have to roll with the punches and start challenging my brain instead of being perky and using "awesome" all the time. My brain may actually hurt like this many a time this summer, so you've all been warned.
In conclusion, I've made a plan to travel again. I'm calling it my perfectly imperfect tour. I have no idea where I'm going to go and what I hope to succeed other than visiting places, but I've tentatively set a date to kick off my travels in December because I have to save money and stuff. Wish me luck.
I wouldn't attack anyone with big words but I don't believe that I've been using much of my potential in the brain department. Tonight, I finished reading the second book I've read in two days or so. I started reading it on the bus and then I started reading a book on my iPad while keeping the hardcover bookmarked. I finished reading the book on the iPad first, because it was more of a feel good book. I owed it to myself to finish the hardcover, though, so I did and I feel like I've processed way too much in a short time. I haven't read more than one book at a time for so long, and I feel a little guilty for not doing it sooner or stopping when I should've been keeping my brain a bit sharper.
Now that I've been at home and not concentrating on school, I feel like I've let a lot slip out of my fingers and I should really try to pick them back up. I started working on my book again, but I'm a little rusty so I have to ease into it. I've been reading cookbooks and books I've already read so I know what's going to happen. That doesn't feel like that requires that much brainpower, especially if you've read the book over three times. I think I've spoiled myself in the way that people do when they make excuses in order to keep from exerting themselves too much. I used school as a crutch and now that I'm on a legitimate summer vacation, I've (unconsciously) committed to working on things I'm rusty at and well, it's not really going to be easy. Hard work never is, right?
There will not be any declaration of commitment today, no big proclamations of things I plan to do until August is over. I'm just going to have to roll with the punches and start challenging my brain instead of being perky and using "awesome" all the time. My brain may actually hurt like this many a time this summer, so you've all been warned.
In conclusion, I've made a plan to travel again. I'm calling it my perfectly imperfect tour. I have no idea where I'm going to go and what I hope to succeed other than visiting places, but I've tentatively set a date to kick off my travels in December because I have to save money and stuff. Wish me luck.
May 23, 2013
in falling, fly
Last week, I made an angry, impassioned promise to myself after a crappy doctor's appointment in which nothing was done to cure my ills (at the time). I had already known that things were going to change, but being the primary focus and illustrator of the change was something I'd shied away from many times before. My primary motivation to change always had some kind of catalyst involved and when I did make decisions, they were ill-conceived. Many times have I just decided to walk away from things because of an argument or a disagreement.
When I made the promise to myself (and I guess I will eventually go into it), I felt with the utmost certainty that this was going to happen and that I needed to be very surgical about making choices and making changes so I wouldn't end up in the very same positions that I've found myself in many times before. I talked about it with people and when I did that, it felt more real. I didn't feel unsure about how to go about it or where to start. I just started believing that whatever steps I am taking will be fine as long as I am standing tall and with confidence. I really don't want to get all yellow-bellied and hide.
Throughout this week, the ideas and the determination grew stronger and everything felt possible. So, I made a couple of plans and just kept going. Today was very defining, though, because I finally determined where I stood with very important things and I kept my feet firmly planted. My statements were actually called "profound" a couple of times and my ego inflated just a little. One of the things I acknowledged today is that I am dead set about flying solo for a while, reinforcing a tried and true notion I had established when I was a teenager. This was really before the introvert/extrovert thing came into my life, but I loved spending time by myself and I could basically forget about everything else when I was alone. I miss that with a passion and I want to return to a modicum of that. I am in a position in my life where I'm pretty free to make a decision like this without permanently setting my other plans askew, so I'm taking this opportunity. I plan on trying things I had previously shunned in private, so that's always a good thing.
It feels like I am really dedicated to going forward with this promise to myself. I know that I may waver and be unsure about it, but I think I can stand strong. It's time that I finally did.
When I made the promise to myself (and I guess I will eventually go into it), I felt with the utmost certainty that this was going to happen and that I needed to be very surgical about making choices and making changes so I wouldn't end up in the very same positions that I've found myself in many times before. I talked about it with people and when I did that, it felt more real. I didn't feel unsure about how to go about it or where to start. I just started believing that whatever steps I am taking will be fine as long as I am standing tall and with confidence. I really don't want to get all yellow-bellied and hide.
Throughout this week, the ideas and the determination grew stronger and everything felt possible. So, I made a couple of plans and just kept going. Today was very defining, though, because I finally determined where I stood with very important things and I kept my feet firmly planted. My statements were actually called "profound" a couple of times and my ego inflated just a little. One of the things I acknowledged today is that I am dead set about flying solo for a while, reinforcing a tried and true notion I had established when I was a teenager. This was really before the introvert/extrovert thing came into my life, but I loved spending time by myself and I could basically forget about everything else when I was alone. I miss that with a passion and I want to return to a modicum of that. I am in a position in my life where I'm pretty free to make a decision like this without permanently setting my other plans askew, so I'm taking this opportunity. I plan on trying things I had previously shunned in private, so that's always a good thing.
It feels like I am really dedicated to going forward with this promise to myself. I know that I may waver and be unsure about it, but I think I can stand strong. It's time that I finally did.
May 3, 2013
re-establishing clarity
Today, I spoke with my doctor and the subject of my decision to end my school semester early came up. I've told her that since making the decision to just recharge the chargeables and clear the cobwebs, I've been feeling like a weight had been lifted off of me and I felt a little more clarity than I had since the end of March and all of April. I have been feeling a little clearer since making the announcement and getting it in my head that this time away is just a detour, not the complete end of the road for my college career.
I'm trying my best to go forward as slowly as possible in the direction that I want to go in. Call me cautious but I've been to know to slip and fall or walk into things and my best laid plans turn out to not be the best at all. It's not that I don't trust myself. It's that I don't necessarily trust many people when it counts. People are just as likely to bungle things up because I don't feel like they're too equipped to deal with other people's lives and decisions, except in the case of children. It's best not to really put that kind of pressure on anyone when I'm being cautious with myself. So, I'm moving forward at a snail's pace because it's best right now.
In an observation I'd made today, I realize that I am becoming more and more like my mother. My mother has always pretty much spoken up and out about every wrong or injustice she's seen since she was a kid, and I was pretty much the opposite of that. It's caused many a rift between her and I, with her thinking that I was siding with wrong because I didn't speak up and didn't want her to speak up either. As of late, it's been hard to keep my mouth shut. I don't accept hardly anything as it is anymore and as it is, I don't forget anything either. Being told to say nothing or accept things the way it is in order to avoid confrontation has not been working for me as of late. Of course, this probably makes me the world's worst team player because I can't keep my big mouth shut but I don't let anything linger on me to the point of having panic attacks and wearing myself down anymore.
I like to think that I'm looking out for the underdogs and those who don't have it as great as everyone else because I've been there many times. Whether or not that gets me friends or not is not important to me anymore. I didn't think that I really caused commotions, but I do and I'm not really sorry about it.
In the case of faith, I think I'm being tested or something. It's hard to celebrate my faith in public without feeling like I'm a hypocrite. I feel like I'm worthy of God's love and I know that He's here for the imperfect people, but I get angry and when I get angry, I let it fly. Then, I feel bad because I'm trying to celebrate my faith in front of other people and I get worried that they see me as a hypocrite because I used to curse like a trucker and those words are still apt to come flying out, just not as much as they used to. I also have a temper and again, I keep thinking that others shouldn't see that but it's still there. I'll figure this one out because that's what I do. In the meantime, God and I must have a talk.
I miss the joy that I used to have, that wonderful peace I had at the beginning of the year. I know that I'll get it back, but I miss it so much sometimes. I have the clarity, though. Also, I can't say that I will make any differences, lose any weight and do anything wonderful during this time away from school, but at least I'll be rested.
I'm trying my best to go forward as slowly as possible in the direction that I want to go in. Call me cautious but I've been to know to slip and fall or walk into things and my best laid plans turn out to not be the best at all. It's not that I don't trust myself. It's that I don't necessarily trust many people when it counts. People are just as likely to bungle things up because I don't feel like they're too equipped to deal with other people's lives and decisions, except in the case of children. It's best not to really put that kind of pressure on anyone when I'm being cautious with myself. So, I'm moving forward at a snail's pace because it's best right now.
In an observation I'd made today, I realize that I am becoming more and more like my mother. My mother has always pretty much spoken up and out about every wrong or injustice she's seen since she was a kid, and I was pretty much the opposite of that. It's caused many a rift between her and I, with her thinking that I was siding with wrong because I didn't speak up and didn't want her to speak up either. As of late, it's been hard to keep my mouth shut. I don't accept hardly anything as it is anymore and as it is, I don't forget anything either. Being told to say nothing or accept things the way it is in order to avoid confrontation has not been working for me as of late. Of course, this probably makes me the world's worst team player because I can't keep my big mouth shut but I don't let anything linger on me to the point of having panic attacks and wearing myself down anymore.
I like to think that I'm looking out for the underdogs and those who don't have it as great as everyone else because I've been there many times. Whether or not that gets me friends or not is not important to me anymore. I didn't think that I really caused commotions, but I do and I'm not really sorry about it.
In the case of faith, I think I'm being tested or something. It's hard to celebrate my faith in public without feeling like I'm a hypocrite. I feel like I'm worthy of God's love and I know that He's here for the imperfect people, but I get angry and when I get angry, I let it fly. Then, I feel bad because I'm trying to celebrate my faith in front of other people and I get worried that they see me as a hypocrite because I used to curse like a trucker and those words are still apt to come flying out, just not as much as they used to. I also have a temper and again, I keep thinking that others shouldn't see that but it's still there. I'll figure this one out because that's what I do. In the meantime, God and I must have a talk.
I miss the joy that I used to have, that wonderful peace I had at the beginning of the year. I know that I'll get it back, but I miss it so much sometimes. I have the clarity, though. Also, I can't say that I will make any differences, lose any weight and do anything wonderful during this time away from school, but at least I'll be rested.
May 1, 2013
crazy, sexy truth
Welcome to May! It's been a bumpy ride getting to this point.
April went fast. It seems like just yesterday I was preparing to return to class and feeling sad that I only had days left until I had to return to school. Sometime during then, I had lost the clarity I'd had and felt lost, as well as a little more than sad. It seemed like I was a chicken running around with my head cut off, second guessing myself on almost everything. So, I hid and I'd been hiding ever since.
When I spoke with my doctor, I got the feeling that she didn't quite understand why I was hiding and for the life of me, I couldn't explain it well enough to get her to understand. It went from explaining why I was hiding to having to explain why I wasn't going to class to if I was just done with college altogether. It was huge talking maze that even had me a little confused.
On top of that, the injury I sustained last year (a year ago at the end of this month) from my pet rat Racer, who then died, didn't heal completely and it's now hurting me. It's gotten to the point that I need to see an orthopedic doctor about it and it's probably going to be lead to surgery. Yeah.
The past few days have been hard, really hard. April was even harder, with everything that happened. I ultimately came to some decisions and the conclusions that things had to change.
As of tomorrow, I will no longer be a student for a while.
For the past two semesters, I'd been flailing and I couldn't get any momentum going, so I left the Phoenix and now, I'm leaving school only weeks before the semester is over. I needed to do this to regroup and figure out what I needed to do next in my life. Right now, I know I need rest and I knew I needed more rest when I didn't want to get out of my bed and leave my house after Spring Break ended.
I'm changing my eating habits this month.
I can't help being on medication, at least right now, but I can help what else goes into my body. I don't eat three meals a day and when I did, my body went into some sort of freak-out mode. I'm not planning on cutting out anything but I am planning on regulating everything. One doctor told me that I should eat six small meals a day and I may try doing that or putting together meals that are home cooked and filling and are full of all four food groups. I'm also cutting back on all the sugary drinks I've been swigging. Lemonade is good, but water is better. My skin is going to love me for it.
I'm going to get more stuff done.
I really don't have much to do with my time, hence my time spent on my computer, but I want to clear my dance card faster instead of thinking about what I have to do and dreading it. Procrastination is no good, y'all.
I'm getting my -ish together.
Since last month, I've walked at least 30 minutes or more, averaging at least an hour or more almost every day. I'm concentrating on more things. I'm reading more books. I'm communicating better with myself, my mother and God. This is all just the beginning because I will be attending another school and I don't want to have another situation like this for another two or three years. For my sanity's sake, I'm going to have to keep going but also know when to take it easy. I can't hide from the world.
April went fast. It seems like just yesterday I was preparing to return to class and feeling sad that I only had days left until I had to return to school. Sometime during then, I had lost the clarity I'd had and felt lost, as well as a little more than sad. It seemed like I was a chicken running around with my head cut off, second guessing myself on almost everything. So, I hid and I'd been hiding ever since.
When I spoke with my doctor, I got the feeling that she didn't quite understand why I was hiding and for the life of me, I couldn't explain it well enough to get her to understand. It went from explaining why I was hiding to having to explain why I wasn't going to class to if I was just done with college altogether. It was huge talking maze that even had me a little confused.
On top of that, the injury I sustained last year (a year ago at the end of this month) from my pet rat Racer, who then died, didn't heal completely and it's now hurting me. It's gotten to the point that I need to see an orthopedic doctor about it and it's probably going to be lead to surgery. Yeah.
The past few days have been hard, really hard. April was even harder, with everything that happened. I ultimately came to some decisions and the conclusions that things had to change.
As of tomorrow, I will no longer be a student for a while.
For the past two semesters, I'd been flailing and I couldn't get any momentum going, so I left the Phoenix and now, I'm leaving school only weeks before the semester is over. I needed to do this to regroup and figure out what I needed to do next in my life. Right now, I know I need rest and I knew I needed more rest when I didn't want to get out of my bed and leave my house after Spring Break ended.
I'm changing my eating habits this month.
I can't help being on medication, at least right now, but I can help what else goes into my body. I don't eat three meals a day and when I did, my body went into some sort of freak-out mode. I'm not planning on cutting out anything but I am planning on regulating everything. One doctor told me that I should eat six small meals a day and I may try doing that or putting together meals that are home cooked and filling and are full of all four food groups. I'm also cutting back on all the sugary drinks I've been swigging. Lemonade is good, but water is better. My skin is going to love me for it.
I'm going to get more stuff done.
I really don't have much to do with my time, hence my time spent on my computer, but I want to clear my dance card faster instead of thinking about what I have to do and dreading it. Procrastination is no good, y'all.
I'm getting my -ish together.
Since last month, I've walked at least 30 minutes or more, averaging at least an hour or more almost every day. I'm concentrating on more things. I'm reading more books. I'm communicating better with myself, my mother and God. This is all just the beginning because I will be attending another school and I don't want to have another situation like this for another two or three years. For my sanity's sake, I'm going to have to keep going but also know when to take it easy. I can't hide from the world.
April 19, 2013
...for new beginnings and new directions
I like to think that when madness ends, albeit peacefully or in chaos, a new beginning has to happen almost immediately. This doesn't apply to anyone else's situations but my own and yet, I think that most people do want to pick up pieces of something that's been shattered and move on. When they want to, however, is up to them.
The past five years of my life has been chaotic, for lack of a better term. Almost everything you could imagine happening has, short of really bad disasters, and I'm ready to move on now that it feels like I see an end to the madness. I'm ready to move forward and get done with things that I should finish in my 20s because I'm 28 now. Soon enough, 29 is going to be staring at me down the barrel of the glitter gun and then, Bam! I'm old.
I took a first step in a new direction and signed up to volunteer for a Spartan Race in September. I thought about running the Spartan Race, but I realized that I am not in the shape to do so and I have less than five months to get into that shape. I don't think that's enough time, not for me. That does not mean that I won't be getting some weight off in the meantime.
I've also decided not to go for my A.A in Liberal Arts at my current school. I've been there for almost four years now and it's now redundant and exhausting. It's also time to move on. I'm hoping to get everything I need to switch to my dream school before their deadline in July because that's where I'm going to be in the Fall. That's where I'm hoping to be in the Fall.
There's a lot of other things I hope to do, but starting small feels like the best thing for me. I get overwhelmed easily, so I don't want to do too much too fast. I feel good about this and hopefully, there won't be any false starts.
The past five years of my life has been chaotic, for lack of a better term. Almost everything you could imagine happening has, short of really bad disasters, and I'm ready to move on now that it feels like I see an end to the madness. I'm ready to move forward and get done with things that I should finish in my 20s because I'm 28 now. Soon enough, 29 is going to be staring at me down the barrel of the glitter gun and then, Bam! I'm old.
I took a first step in a new direction and signed up to volunteer for a Spartan Race in September. I thought about running the Spartan Race, but I realized that I am not in the shape to do so and I have less than five months to get into that shape. I don't think that's enough time, not for me. That does not mean that I won't be getting some weight off in the meantime.
I've also decided not to go for my A.A in Liberal Arts at my current school. I've been there for almost four years now and it's now redundant and exhausting. It's also time to move on. I'm hoping to get everything I need to switch to my dream school before their deadline in July because that's where I'm going to be in the Fall. That's where I'm hoping to be in the Fall.
There's a lot of other things I hope to do, but starting small feels like the best thing for me. I get overwhelmed easily, so I don't want to do too much too fast. I feel good about this and hopefully, there won't be any false starts.
March 7, 2013
lately
My birthday is in twelve days and I'm giving myself over to the fact that I am not leadership material. I thought that I wasn't a team player, and maybe I'm not, but I'm not admitting defeat on that quite yet.
When I become a team player, there's this hidden perfectionism that flies out of nowhere and sticks to my face like those aliens in Alien and Aliens. With my newfound maturity and a promise of the Second Act, I am trying to acknowledge this and learn how to combat that perfectionism. I'm no special case, but I feel like I am. I'm probably just surprised but then again, I didn't participate in many groups, clubs or organizations when I was growing up.
I'm still locked in combat with this cold of mine. I went to sleep early yesterday morning (3:00 am or so) feeling like I had won and then woke up feeling like hell. That feeling has continued throughout the day, so it's Me-1, Cold-1. I'm hoping to dropkick this cold's butt later today. A lot is riding on this, especially because I can't send out correspondence in fear of getting people sick. Yes, I am being considerate and it's killing me.
I've received some really great mail in the past few days. Yesterday, I received some stamps from Hannah (she's a star and she enables my postage stamp addiction -- *wicked glint*) and a lovely letter from Heather. Heather's been writing me letters for months now and I try to write back just as much, but I really love her words and her spirit. She's a great belly dancer and she sings and she's just all around adorable. If Wisconsin and Louisiana were closer together, I would practically live with her. Heather is part of my support system, so it's always great to hear from her. As for Hannah, she's one of my bestests and my (stamp) supplier. She's going places, guys. Stay tuned.
As for me, I'm thinking about big things. It's all very vague as of right now, but I'm thinking. I'm also sneezing, sniffling, blowing my nose and napping when I feel ick. I did learn something, though. I learned that it's okay to stand back and stay behind the scenes, and that's where I'm most comfortable.
When I become a team player, there's this hidden perfectionism that flies out of nowhere and sticks to my face like those aliens in Alien and Aliens. With my newfound maturity and a promise of the Second Act, I am trying to acknowledge this and learn how to combat that perfectionism. I'm no special case, but I feel like I am. I'm probably just surprised but then again, I didn't participate in many groups, clubs or organizations when I was growing up.
I'm still locked in combat with this cold of mine. I went to sleep early yesterday morning (3:00 am or so) feeling like I had won and then woke up feeling like hell. That feeling has continued throughout the day, so it's Me-1, Cold-1. I'm hoping to dropkick this cold's butt later today. A lot is riding on this, especially because I can't send out correspondence in fear of getting people sick. Yes, I am being considerate and it's killing me.
I've received some really great mail in the past few days. Yesterday, I received some stamps from Hannah (she's a star and she enables my postage stamp addiction -- *wicked glint*) and a lovely letter from Heather. Heather's been writing me letters for months now and I try to write back just as much, but I really love her words and her spirit. She's a great belly dancer and she sings and she's just all around adorable. If Wisconsin and Louisiana were closer together, I would practically live with her. Heather is part of my support system, so it's always great to hear from her. As for Hannah, she's one of my bestests and my (stamp) supplier. She's going places, guys. Stay tuned.
As for me, I'm thinking about big things. It's all very vague as of right now, but I'm thinking. I'm also sneezing, sniffling, blowing my nose and napping when I feel ick. I did learn something, though. I learned that it's okay to stand back and stay behind the scenes, and that's where I'm most comfortable.
March 3, 2013
le livre de mon vie
When I came up with my very first post at a blog called Splendid Life, I had no plans to continue because I knew that I had the inability to keep a personal journal or a personal blog.
At least I thought I did back then.
The end of this month will mark three years blogging and although I've gone through many blog titles and many different spaces, this remained my virtual diary, a place where people could get an idea of who I was while I was in the process of learning myself as well (I still don't know it all yet). I met three wonderful women through this blog (although I've met my friends through Twitter), had wonderful guest posts, took some chances and found happiness. I never thought that any of this would have happened the way it did, but it did and it was the best thing in the world.
This video was recorded a little less than two years ago, when I was honoring my 350th post. I wish I could find the video I made for my 100th post, but I will and you'll see it. I'm still in shock that I've made it this far.
So, what's next for the blog, I have no clue. However, this picture is a clue of what I want my second act to include.
One of this blog's early names was "Le Rive de Mon Vie," which I thought was "The Bank of My Life." It was later shortened to "Mon Vie" but I did love the full name so very much. I find this ironic and aptly appropriate now, especially because I bought a book called the Book of Me (which I like to call The Book of My Life, or "Le Livre de Mon Vie). This journal is supposed to be an outline to my memoir.
I really like this journal. Each page has questions and there are different categories. The beginning asks questions about things like my name and how I got it and the details of my birth. I'm forced to dig into my past and really think about how much I do remember about my life and what's next. Here's a snippet of what I wrote about my father:
It's a very interesting concept and I hope to eventually fill it up one day, but I at least started and I'm proud of that. This book came in a very interesting time in my life.
You see, I'm happier than I think I've ever been throughout blogging here. I'm happier than I think I've ever been in a very long time. I feel more optimistic. I have been more protective and loving and even my heart feels more open. I mean, my chest literally feels more open.
Let me retract that statement. I shouldn't say that I'm happier, per se, but I'm finally content for the first time in a very long time and I'm truly allowing myself to feel. I feel whatever it is I feel and I process it and then I wait for the feeling (particularly bad ones) to pass. I'm still tired but things don't seem as hard as they used to be. Things don't feel like the end of the world. I feel okay and cooperative (for the most part) and like I've finally gotten something together, even though I have no idea what it is quite yet.
I guess it started a little more than a month ago, when I joined Overcome the Lie. I don't know what it was that happened, but it did something that made me feel the way I feel now. I think that this moment and feeling was coming for some time now but then it hit me. I wouldn't want it any other way. I may be silent at times, but positivity and faith have filled me up. As the product of a miracle (I was born after my mother had four miscarriages and was two weeks early due to a placenta detachment but was healthy, just small) and a recipient of blessings, I think I just got punched with a mega-blessing and I want to keep it.
I also realized that I want to move to California.
Seriously.
In conclusion, thank you all for getting me to 700 posts. I may be a flake and not post for days on end, but I am always grateful for the people I've met through this blog and the people who read my ramblings. So, here's to 700 and let's hope for 700 more. I love you guys!
At least I thought I did back then.
The end of this month will mark three years blogging and although I've gone through many blog titles and many different spaces, this remained my virtual diary, a place where people could get an idea of who I was while I was in the process of learning myself as well (I still don't know it all yet). I met three wonderful women through this blog (although I've met my friends through Twitter), had wonderful guest posts, took some chances and found happiness. I never thought that any of this would have happened the way it did, but it did and it was the best thing in the world.
This video was recorded a little less than two years ago, when I was honoring my 350th post. I wish I could find the video I made for my 100th post, but I will and you'll see it. I'm still in shock that I've made it this far.
So, what's next for the blog, I have no clue. However, this picture is a clue of what I want my second act to include.
One of this blog's early names was "Le Rive de Mon Vie," which I thought was "The Bank of My Life." It was later shortened to "Mon Vie" but I did love the full name so very much. I find this ironic and aptly appropriate now, especially because I bought a book called the Book of Me (which I like to call The Book of My Life, or "Le Livre de Mon Vie). This journal is supposed to be an outline to my memoir.
I really like this journal. Each page has questions and there are different categories. The beginning asks questions about things like my name and how I got it and the details of my birth. I'm forced to dig into my past and really think about how much I do remember about my life and what's next. Here's a snippet of what I wrote about my father:
It's a very interesting concept and I hope to eventually fill it up one day, but I at least started and I'm proud of that. This book came in a very interesting time in my life.
You see, I'm happier than I think I've ever been throughout blogging here. I'm happier than I think I've ever been in a very long time. I feel more optimistic. I have been more protective and loving and even my heart feels more open. I mean, my chest literally feels more open.
Let me retract that statement. I shouldn't say that I'm happier, per se, but I'm finally content for the first time in a very long time and I'm truly allowing myself to feel. I feel whatever it is I feel and I process it and then I wait for the feeling (particularly bad ones) to pass. I'm still tired but things don't seem as hard as they used to be. Things don't feel like the end of the world. I feel okay and cooperative (for the most part) and like I've finally gotten something together, even though I have no idea what it is quite yet.
I guess it started a little more than a month ago, when I joined Overcome the Lie. I don't know what it was that happened, but it did something that made me feel the way I feel now. I think that this moment and feeling was coming for some time now but then it hit me. I wouldn't want it any other way. I may be silent at times, but positivity and faith have filled me up. As the product of a miracle (I was born after my mother had four miscarriages and was two weeks early due to a placenta detachment but was healthy, just small) and a recipient of blessings, I think I just got punched with a mega-blessing and I want to keep it.
I also realized that I want to move to California.
Seriously.
In conclusion, thank you all for getting me to 700 posts. I may be a flake and not post for days on end, but I am always grateful for the people I've met through this blog and the people who read my ramblings. So, here's to 700 and let's hope for 700 more. I love you guys!
February 16, 2013
the second act
What did you think your life would be like?
I thought that I would be some successful woman with a child and no husband, living in a high-rise apartment and probably doing not much else other than loving my child.
Of course, I had this dream when the economy was fine and had never set foot into a place of employment. Until I was about 17 or 18, I thought I would be a successful journalist with a child and no husband, living in a high-rise apartment in New York City. I thought I would have graduated from the New School of Community Service high school here in Milwaukee and then moved on to New York University. That was the plan I had for my life. Then, I dropped out of high school. Then, I started writing.
Until I was about 24, I wanted to become a successful writer. I was 16 when I decided that I wanted to have a movie deal for my book. This was before Twilight, of course. I was 18 when I decided that I had so much more to write and that I wanted to have my book in a series and then made for television. About the time I was 24, I realized that I wasn't even halfway near completing anything. I was also married and the story I had kept for 8 years had become more sacred to me.
I'm a little over a month away from turning 28 and I had such an interesting year in 2012 that it feels like I want to shed the past seven years away and start my second act. I feel like I'm growing closer to whatever and whoever it is I'm going to become and it's been a struggle, but a worthwhile struggle.
I'm excited about what this year will bring. Until last year, I strongly believed that odd-numbered years were great for me. Well, I still believe that to an extent but I've also realized that I would have to put effort into making the year as good as I can. I don't really know what I want to get out of this year other than graduating from my school so I'm just going for content and active at this moment. I also want to keep growing. 2012 was a big year of growth for me and I would like to keep that intact because not growing would mean that my life has become stagnant. At the point, I don't think my life would mean much to anyone, most of all me. It sounds selfish, I'm sure, and I think it may be but it also assures that I'll try my best to be the best me possible.
The new year may have begun in January but to me, my new year won't start until the first day of Spring (March 20, aka my birthday). In the meantime, I'm going to make some preparations to get rid of the old me and start traditions for the new me to continue on. My second act may be my most adventurous one, so I want to make sure it has a great beginning.
I thought that I would be some successful woman with a child and no husband, living in a high-rise apartment and probably doing not much else other than loving my child.
Of course, I had this dream when the economy was fine and had never set foot into a place of employment. Until I was about 17 or 18, I thought I would be a successful journalist with a child and no husband, living in a high-rise apartment in New York City. I thought I would have graduated from the New School of Community Service high school here in Milwaukee and then moved on to New York University. That was the plan I had for my life. Then, I dropped out of high school. Then, I started writing.
Until I was about 24, I wanted to become a successful writer. I was 16 when I decided that I wanted to have a movie deal for my book. This was before Twilight, of course. I was 18 when I decided that I had so much more to write and that I wanted to have my book in a series and then made for television. About the time I was 24, I realized that I wasn't even halfway near completing anything. I was also married and the story I had kept for 8 years had become more sacred to me.
I'm a little over a month away from turning 28 and I had such an interesting year in 2012 that it feels like I want to shed the past seven years away and start my second act. I feel like I'm growing closer to whatever and whoever it is I'm going to become and it's been a struggle, but a worthwhile struggle.
I'm excited about what this year will bring. Until last year, I strongly believed that odd-numbered years were great for me. Well, I still believe that to an extent but I've also realized that I would have to put effort into making the year as good as I can. I don't really know what I want to get out of this year other than graduating from my school so I'm just going for content and active at this moment. I also want to keep growing. 2012 was a big year of growth for me and I would like to keep that intact because not growing would mean that my life has become stagnant. At the point, I don't think my life would mean much to anyone, most of all me. It sounds selfish, I'm sure, and I think it may be but it also assures that I'll try my best to be the best me possible.
The new year may have begun in January but to me, my new year won't start until the first day of Spring (March 20, aka my birthday). In the meantime, I'm going to make some preparations to get rid of the old me and start traditions for the new me to continue on. My second act may be my most adventurous one, so I want to make sure it has a great beginning.
February 15, 2013
the adventures, what is harder and being brave
My mother told me when I was little that I was important, that I was meant to do something great in my life because I was a miracle child. I still haven't really found what I was looking for, but I do know that I'm an inadvertently adventurous person. I don't say that lightly, either, because I've seen, heard and have gone through some crazy/amazing situations.
This week's saga was only one of many things in my life that has been overly dramatic and totally unbelievable in most circumstances. Another thing would be the dating/exclusive relationship/engagement that I found myself in the middle of within a span of a month with my now soon to be ex-husband. I think the things that I find totally unbelievable are that he was my first (and only) boyfriend in my entire adolescent and adult life and that I am still fond enough of him that I want him in my life (just in a limited capacity). Then, there's action type stuff like falling down the stairs and not breaking anything, going on a 10 day road trip pretty much across the US, and the previously aforementioned being dropped out of an attic window with only my sister and a cord keeping me from sudden death. That actually happened twice. Then, there was the time my body decided to outdo my brother's body and I almost bled to death. I left the hospital about a day and a half later.
Sometimes, I feel like I should always be on "go," but it has taken its toll on me and my life. Despite currently living with a rat, I try to keep my head down and the only unreal stuff I do is school and the occasional performance at an open mic (one in which I sang for the first time ever in public, a capella). I think that the anxiety also comes from the feeling of needing to be on "go." I'm told that it's not necessary, but my brain doesn't register that all the time.
As of late, I've been trying to become a better version of myself, and I'm pretty sure that I've written that paragraph at least once before. Anyway, I've been trying really hard to fix mistakes I made years ago and mend myself, if I ever needed mending. It's been going well and I feel happier and more active and more balanced. However, I think that I am finally understanding what my mother meant when she told me that the right thing is always the hardest thing.
There's been this financial situation that my mother and I ended up in the middle of, although it had nothing to do with us. It's a long, boring and tedious story to discuss, so I won't but I ended up feeling really bad about everything.
When bad things occur, I want to go back into my old habits of being a self-centered brat and it's so easy to ignore everything and everyone and snap whenever it feels convenient. Instead, I've been compliant and rolling with the punches, going inward to think about what went wrong, how to learn from it and keep it from happening again. It's been hell. It's been mentally and physically exhausting, and I get angrier because it's easier to see what (I think) everyone else is doing wrong.
The anger seems like a precursor to my old habits and after this week, I am taxed out and second guessing everything, most of all every single thing I do.
For instance, the end to this financial situation is something I've been trying to avoid and sweep under the rug until it could be completely fixed, but it came to a head yesterday and I completely failed at trying to make yesterday a wonderful Valentine's Day. In trying to avoid the inevitable, I ended up becoming the biggest problem and as I was walking home yesterday night (at 10 pm), I started to wonder just how much of a positive difference I'm making. Then, I immediately felt like I wasn't making a difference or change or impact for anyone. I started with my words (the things I say and write) and analyzed everything else from there, and I feel like the effort I'm making is for nothing.
It sounds like I'm being self-loathing, but I'm not. In fact, I'm still making the effort. It's contrary, really, but I don't want to give up. The only way I can do that is to analyze everything else again and rearrange things piece by piece. I'm hoping that's the right thing to do because taking responsibilities for my mess-ups and trying to be more positive and rooted in faith is really hard.
This week's saga was only one of many things in my life that has been overly dramatic and totally unbelievable in most circumstances. Another thing would be the dating/exclusive relationship/engagement that I found myself in the middle of within a span of a month with my now soon to be ex-husband. I think the things that I find totally unbelievable are that he was my first (and only) boyfriend in my entire adolescent and adult life and that I am still fond enough of him that I want him in my life (just in a limited capacity). Then, there's action type stuff like falling down the stairs and not breaking anything, going on a 10 day road trip pretty much across the US, and the previously aforementioned being dropped out of an attic window with only my sister and a cord keeping me from sudden death. That actually happened twice. Then, there was the time my body decided to outdo my brother's body and I almost bled to death. I left the hospital about a day and a half later.
Sometimes, I feel like I should always be on "go," but it has taken its toll on me and my life. Despite currently living with a rat, I try to keep my head down and the only unreal stuff I do is school and the occasional performance at an open mic (one in which I sang for the first time ever in public, a capella). I think that the anxiety also comes from the feeling of needing to be on "go." I'm told that it's not necessary, but my brain doesn't register that all the time.
***
As of late, I've been trying to become a better version of myself, and I'm pretty sure that I've written that paragraph at least once before. Anyway, I've been trying really hard to fix mistakes I made years ago and mend myself, if I ever needed mending. It's been going well and I feel happier and more active and more balanced. However, I think that I am finally understanding what my mother meant when she told me that the right thing is always the hardest thing.
There's been this financial situation that my mother and I ended up in the middle of, although it had nothing to do with us. It's a long, boring and tedious story to discuss, so I won't but I ended up feeling really bad about everything.
When bad things occur, I want to go back into my old habits of being a self-centered brat and it's so easy to ignore everything and everyone and snap whenever it feels convenient. Instead, I've been compliant and rolling with the punches, going inward to think about what went wrong, how to learn from it and keep it from happening again. It's been hell. It's been mentally and physically exhausting, and I get angrier because it's easier to see what (I think) everyone else is doing wrong.
The anger seems like a precursor to my old habits and after this week, I am taxed out and second guessing everything, most of all every single thing I do.
For instance, the end to this financial situation is something I've been trying to avoid and sweep under the rug until it could be completely fixed, but it came to a head yesterday and I completely failed at trying to make yesterday a wonderful Valentine's Day. In trying to avoid the inevitable, I ended up becoming the biggest problem and as I was walking home yesterday night (at 10 pm), I started to wonder just how much of a positive difference I'm making. Then, I immediately felt like I wasn't making a difference or change or impact for anyone. I started with my words (the things I say and write) and analyzed everything else from there, and I feel like the effort I'm making is for nothing.
It sounds like I'm being self-loathing, but I'm not. In fact, I'm still making the effort. It's contrary, really, but I don't want to give up. The only way I can do that is to analyze everything else again and rearrange things piece by piece. I'm hoping that's the right thing to do because taking responsibilities for my mess-ups and trying to be more positive and rooted in faith is really hard.
***
At the end of the day, none of this makes me brave (if anyone was thinking that). It doesn't make me strong or lucky or blessed either just because it ended well for me (to an extent). My childhood, full of its good and bad things, prepared me for the children I pray that I'll have. My adolescence, which was spent at home, reminds me to keep myself out of an isolated bubble when I want to run. My adult life, thus far, has prepared me for loss and love and I don't know what else yet because I'm only turning 28. I would like to be brave one day and I would like to make a difference, no matter how I do it. God knows that's a totally different adventure in and of itself.
February 13, 2013
better
Although it can really suck, trying to stay on my path for the road best traveled continues to be a great lesson in life.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and the only thing I'm supposed to be concerned about is my math class and the review for the test that I have next Tuesday. I have to get my mother something but other than that, some friends are going to get some late valentines. I feel loved so I really don't need much from anyone (although I've made a deal with the T about gifts this year). Feeling loved in the non-material thing sense is a great thing.
I don't talk about my semi-annual Spend-A-Palooza events with as much excitement as I used to, but I do still get excited and I do enjoy them. As I get older, the new exciting thing is to see how much I can get with as little as possible and I think I'm winning at that. This year, though, I want to be practical and use moderation. I've finally come up with a list that seems to cover everything I need right now, sans the most important things because I'm waiting on that. If you want to know why I'm waiting on it, I'll tell you.
I'm moving.
I don't know where and when quite yet, but I'm moving and I wasn't planning on moving but then there was a police standoff at my apartment complex that lasted about three hours and left me banned from entering for about that long. You probably read it on the news, but some psycho had a sword and barricaded himself in his place. A cadre of police officers showed up and the entire thing felt like a hostage situation that you'd probably only see in movies.
Since this has occurred, my mother has decided that she's still moving (which was always the plan) but I'm either coming with her or I'm getting my own place. She doesn't care which, as long as I'm not here. I'm okay with that as long as it's safe, quiet and there's a way to my school.
Dramatic police standoffs aside, I'm getting over myself. My sister, the one that I lied to, really came through in a clutch on Monday. My siblings may be selfish and they may do things that I don't agree with, but I'm pretty damn blessed to have them. I could have an older sister that tried to drown me when I was a child, but I don't. I have a sister who was kick-ass enough to tie a cord around my waist and drop me from the attic window onto our balcony to open up the door at home when we got locked out. Issues aside, I think we'll be okay.
I like to think that I'm getting better at living a little less selfishly as I get older. I'm not getting a Nobel prize quite yet but maybe, just maybe, I'll really know how to take care of myself without taking so much from others by the time I'm 30 (in about 2 years, 1 month and 7 days). That's a dream I have that is much more important than anything else (other than having children), so I should really take mental notes and keep going. Life is not going to wait for me and there's enough selfish people in this world.
After 4 days, I'm better now.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and the only thing I'm supposed to be concerned about is my math class and the review for the test that I have next Tuesday. I have to get my mother something but other than that, some friends are going to get some late valentines. I feel loved so I really don't need much from anyone (although I've made a deal with the T about gifts this year). Feeling loved in the non-material thing sense is a great thing.
I don't talk about my semi-annual Spend-A-Palooza events with as much excitement as I used to, but I do still get excited and I do enjoy them. As I get older, the new exciting thing is to see how much I can get with as little as possible and I think I'm winning at that. This year, though, I want to be practical and use moderation. I've finally come up with a list that seems to cover everything I need right now, sans the most important things because I'm waiting on that. If you want to know why I'm waiting on it, I'll tell you.
I'm moving.
I don't know where and when quite yet, but I'm moving and I wasn't planning on moving but then there was a police standoff at my apartment complex that lasted about three hours and left me banned from entering for about that long. You probably read it on the news, but some psycho had a sword and barricaded himself in his place. A cadre of police officers showed up and the entire thing felt like a hostage situation that you'd probably only see in movies.
Since this has occurred, my mother has decided that she's still moving (which was always the plan) but I'm either coming with her or I'm getting my own place. She doesn't care which, as long as I'm not here. I'm okay with that as long as it's safe, quiet and there's a way to my school.
Dramatic police standoffs aside, I'm getting over myself. My sister, the one that I lied to, really came through in a clutch on Monday. My siblings may be selfish and they may do things that I don't agree with, but I'm pretty damn blessed to have them. I could have an older sister that tried to drown me when I was a child, but I don't. I have a sister who was kick-ass enough to tie a cord around my waist and drop me from the attic window onto our balcony to open up the door at home when we got locked out. Issues aside, I think we'll be okay.
I like to think that I'm getting better at living a little less selfishly as I get older. I'm not getting a Nobel prize quite yet but maybe, just maybe, I'll really know how to take care of myself without taking so much from others by the time I'm 30 (in about 2 years, 1 month and 7 days). That's a dream I have that is much more important than anything else (other than having children), so I should really take mental notes and keep going. Life is not going to wait for me and there's enough selfish people in this world.
After 4 days, I'm better now.
January 23, 2013
substance
After five and a half years of cultivating a mold of myself that was different and more independent than the me I was when I was at home for seven years upon dropping out of high school, I've finally gotten to this part of my life where I am still learning new things about myself. It's a weird and fascinating thing, especially because I spent the majority of this time feeling rather out of place and jaded about so many things. At times, I am still jaded, especially because there are things that no one can possibly ever relate to me about, but the curiosity is by and far surpassing that jadedness.
In the past three days, I've realized how much I enjoy politics. I've had my Twitter stream filled with women cheering for football and it still pleasantly surprises me because they're as passionate, if not more, as men are about the game. The women that I follow on Twitter are passionate about sports altogether and when this happens, I am such a happy spectator. Give me a woman who drinks a beer and can get down at a football game over some priss any day. To that degree, I think I'm really passionate about politics (possibly to the ire of my mother and the T). I'm ridiculously liberal but I would not turn down a bipartisan ticket if the candidates are truly dedicated to their causes. I think that is why I voted the way that I voted. President Obama, whether he gets anything done or not, is very passionate about the things he want to change and who doesn't want to get behind something like that?
I'm going off the subject without going off the subject, but there's a surge in politics that I haven't ever felt. I don't know if it's because of my peers and how hard we all fought during this election (Democrat or not) or if it's because of Hilary Clinton (I watched her testimony on Benghazi when I was waiting to get my U-Pass yesterday), but I now feel like this is an arena I wouldn't mind getting into. When I told the T that I enjoy politics, he said, "What?! You're still a Democrat, right?" I kid you not.
In that same vein, I also realized yesterday that I am not giving myself any credit when it comes to science. I've been feeling very overwhelmed about taking science classes and that overwhelmed feeling makes me feel like an airhead but if we're being honest, I nearly passed my science GED test with a perfect score and I didn't study (and GED tests are harder than one thinks, especially if you hadn't been in high school in seven years). I'm taking a weather fundamentals course this semester, along with the laboratory, and I am sure that if I spend enough time paying attention to the materials, I can pass this class with flying colors. I'm not even being cocky, either, because my brain works fast and can process and retain things with only a glance if I'm not distracted. I really like science just as well as I enjoy history. These weren't subjects that I enjoyed that much when I was younger but now, I appreciate them so much more. I spend quite a bit of time watching movies like Elizabeth and Gone With the Wind as well as shows such as the Tudors. I know that these are fiction, but it makes me want to look up the real accounts of monarchs and government figures. I really could talk about all of this all day.
So, I really like this curiosity thing. It makes me feel my age and my brain gets some refreshment in things other than Perez Hilton. I wonder what else I'm going to become interested in. Whether that is, I can say that I'm going to like my late 20s if this is what's in store.
In the past three days, I've realized how much I enjoy politics. I've had my Twitter stream filled with women cheering for football and it still pleasantly surprises me because they're as passionate, if not more, as men are about the game. The women that I follow on Twitter are passionate about sports altogether and when this happens, I am such a happy spectator. Give me a woman who drinks a beer and can get down at a football game over some priss any day. To that degree, I think I'm really passionate about politics (possibly to the ire of my mother and the T). I'm ridiculously liberal but I would not turn down a bipartisan ticket if the candidates are truly dedicated to their causes. I think that is why I voted the way that I voted. President Obama, whether he gets anything done or not, is very passionate about the things he want to change and who doesn't want to get behind something like that?
I'm going off the subject without going off the subject, but there's a surge in politics that I haven't ever felt. I don't know if it's because of my peers and how hard we all fought during this election (Democrat or not) or if it's because of Hilary Clinton (I watched her testimony on Benghazi when I was waiting to get my U-Pass yesterday), but I now feel like this is an arena I wouldn't mind getting into. When I told the T that I enjoy politics, he said, "What?! You're still a Democrat, right?" I kid you not.
In that same vein, I also realized yesterday that I am not giving myself any credit when it comes to science. I've been feeling very overwhelmed about taking science classes and that overwhelmed feeling makes me feel like an airhead but if we're being honest, I nearly passed my science GED test with a perfect score and I didn't study (and GED tests are harder than one thinks, especially if you hadn't been in high school in seven years). I'm taking a weather fundamentals course this semester, along with the laboratory, and I am sure that if I spend enough time paying attention to the materials, I can pass this class with flying colors. I'm not even being cocky, either, because my brain works fast and can process and retain things with only a glance if I'm not distracted. I really like science just as well as I enjoy history. These weren't subjects that I enjoyed that much when I was younger but now, I appreciate them so much more. I spend quite a bit of time watching movies like Elizabeth and Gone With the Wind as well as shows such as the Tudors. I know that these are fiction, but it makes me want to look up the real accounts of monarchs and government figures. I really could talk about all of this all day.
So, I really like this curiosity thing. It makes me feel my age and my brain gets some refreshment in things other than Perez Hilton. I wonder what else I'm going to become interested in. Whether that is, I can say that I'm going to like my late 20s if this is what's in store.
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